It's Snarkurday!

I’ll keep this brief: Taylor Swift is an idiot.

Okay, maybe that was too brief, so I’ll elaborate … earlier this year Swifty Swift went on a trademarking rampage that had many people calling her an idiot.

She actually filed paperwork to trademark some of her song titles and lyrics, including ‘Welcome To New York’ … seriously Swifty? ‘Cause We Never Go Out of Style,’ ‘Party Like It’s 1989,’ ‘Swiftstakes,’ ‘Swiftmas,’ and … seriously … ‘1989.’

She.Wants.To.Trademark.A.Year. Now, it’s important to note that if the application goes through, the use of the term ‘1989’ won’t be trademarked in and of itself — only when it’s in reference to her album title, as in ‘Taylor Swift’s ‘1989’ sucks balls.’

And, also to be fair to Obnoxious Nazi Barbie — trademark pending by Camille Paglia — the frenzy was started to shut down folks making coins on illegal Swifty merch, but her lawyers are also sending cease-and-desist letters to fans who are selling Swifty-related stuff on Etsy. So that lonely girl in Akron who listens to Swifty’s songs in her room at night and cries, and then uses her tears to make watercolors of Swifty to sell on-line is in big trouble y’all.

But, this crazy bitch who thinks she spins golden words out of her yap also tried to trademark the phrases “this sick beat” and “nice to meet you; where you been” because, wait for it, she wrote them in a song.

I’m’a trademark ‘Buh-Bye Swifty … No One Cares’ and ‘Adele’s Here Now … You Can Go’.

So … Kourtney Kardastrophe and Scott Disick have been on-and-off for so many years, until Kourtney finally kicked him to the curb because he’s a drunken adulterer.

But, the duo have been spending time together lately, though it’s probably contractual for that “reality” show mess, but now it looks like Kourtney has moved on …

… to Justin Bieber. Yup, the same 21-year-old Little Willy that banged one, or maybe two, Kardastrophe sisters, is now ALLEGEDLY banging another, older, Kardastrophe, 36-year-old Kourtney.

How soon before he slips it to That Woman?

It’s Real Housewife drama-a-a-a-a-a.

Bethenny Frankel has made a not-so-small fortune on her Skinny Girl booze and snacks empire, so is rightly spitting nails now that the news that her Real Housewife of New York co-star, and social drinker, Sonja Morgan has revealed plans to launch a line of liquor called Tipsy Girl — with a moniker similar to the Skinny Girl cocktail line.

So, what does the Skinny Girl do? Frankel filed trademark paperwork — who does she think she is, Taylor Swift — to own the name Tipsygirl.

Indeed, Frankel’s company, SG Marks LLC, applied to trademark “Tipsygirl” as one word while Morgan’s partner, Peter Guimaraes, registered to trademark “Tipsy Girl” — two words — seven months earlier and has called Frankel’s sneaky move “underhanded.”

So, Frankel is said to be seeking the rights to trademark ‘Sonja Morgan’ and ‘underhanded.’

I kid, but Frankel’s SG Marks does own trademarks for ‘Home Porn,’ ‘Apartment Porn,’ ‘Shoe Porn,’ ‘Kitchen Porn’ and ‘Cocktail Porn’ — in case Morgan wants to go porn trademarking.

Remember when Christina Aguilera was arrested in LA back in 2011 on suspicion of being drunk in public, but wasn’t prosecuted? And then a few months later it was rumored that she got hammered at a party at Jeremy Renner’s house and did a Goldilocks, a drunken Goldilocks, in Renner’s bed?

Yeah, she’s at it again.

It appears she was so drunk at Seth MacFarlane’s annual over-the-top Christmas bash that, while being helped out of the party, she almost fell into the Christmas tree.

Sources — and it’s not Lohan, AKA Life on the F List — say that  MacFarlane had a 50-piece orchestra at his soiree and asked many of his celebrity pals to join him onstage to sing some Sinatra tunes; even special guest, Frank’s daughter Tina Sinatra, sang.

But while Meghan Trainor, Katharine McPhee and, yes, tis true, Bill Maher sang that night, Aguilera refused to step away from the open bar.

The source says: “Seth asked her five times to come up [and sing] and she refused. [And] the reason she didn’t get up is because she was wasted.”

Later on Aguilera’s boyfriend, Matt Rutler and one of her friends had to hold her on each arm and walk her out on her 6-inch custom Louboutins when she nearly became a Christmas ornament … albeit a 100-proof ornament.

Okay, Jennifer Lawrence, we get it. You’re a tough girl who loves farts and now, apparently, barfing.

On The Late Show with Stephen Colbert recently, JLaw talked about how she’s always barfing:

“I puked yesterday. I’m a puker. I’m a big-time puker. I don’t stop working, because I’m a show pony. I don’t have a choice. So I just keep going and eventually my body’s just like, ‘If we don’t make her barf or pass out, she won’t stop.’ I get like Lindsay Lohan grade exhaustion, but without any drugs or alcohol. I’m always in bed early and I’m still tired.”

And so … somewhere in England, a passed out Lindsey Lohan’s phone began vibrating with the Google alert that Jennifer Lawrence had said the name “Lindsay Lohan” on TV and … the Cracken awoke.

See, the two gals have a history that began when Lohan once ALLEGEDLY said in an ALLEGEDLY drunken interview that JLaw f*cks for roles — Lindsey’s people, AKA Dina Lohan denied that story. But Lohan has also slapped Lawrence on Twitter for making a really harmless joke about Meryl Streep at the Golden Globes.

So maybe Lawrence was smacking back at the has-been or, even more likely, JLaw doesn’t even remember that, once upon a time, long ago in a galaxy far far away, before jewel theft, DUIs, club brawls and seven stints in rehab, Lindsey Lohan was the It girl … and then JLaw happened and it was … Lindsey who?

New York “rapper” and basic badly behaving asshat Azealia Banks is at it again.

She was arrested outside Up & Down, a club in the Meatpacking district of NYC, after she ALLEGEDLY went berserk and attacked a female security guard by punching her and “biting her in the boob.”

Banks was at the club for a private party when she got into a dispute with bouncers and was kicked out just after midnight for the Breast Assault, and for being Azealia Banks, a talentless hack with a bad attitude.

This latest arrest comes on the heels of after Banks almost being arrested for causing a ruckus on a flight from New York to LA; and she was also investigated after ALLEGEDLY assaulting a security guard at a club in LA.

So, yeah, that Azealia Banks’ career … assaults and outbursts; it doesn’t pay much but it keeps you in the news.

I Ain't One To Gossip But.........

While the rumors swirl that Whitney Houston has lost her voice, and lost the ability to sustain a single note in the same key for longer than it takes to make a drug deal, one thing she hasn't lost is her appetite.

Perhaps she's feeding her lack of voice with an overabundance of chocolate.

That paragon of truthfulness--Hey! They broke the John Edwards story--the National Enquirer is saying that Whit has ballooned to 175 pounds on her "Nothing But Pork Chops, I mean, Love" tour. Now, sources close to Houston--and by sources, I mean the people that carry the pork chops say the weight gain is due to steroid injections or prednisone treatments for her ALLEGED respiratory infection.
Others say she is going nuts on the room service menu, thinking it's all you can eat.

From the Been-There-Seen-That aisle, with a quick stop at the Has-Been Barrel:

Everything old--and by old I mean stupid...and by stupid I mean mindless 1980s crap movies--is new again.

Tom Selleck has confirmed that there will actually be a 3rd film in the 3 Men and a Baby franchise:
"It is true that Disney checked my availability. And I know they checked Ted's and Steve's and then had a script written, I think tentatively called '3 Men and a Bride' which kind of says it all about the story."

Three Men And A Bride? A tale of polygamy? Huh? What? Huh?
But, oddly enough, even Tom Selleck admits that the first movie was the best, and the second was, well, I'll say it for him, a crapfest, but he's sure the third will be just like the first.

Inane comedy about three juvenile acting men who can't get their own lives together and visit their immaturity on everyone else.

Yeah. I won't be there. Either.

Sonja Morgan, the newest edition to the gaggle of crazies on The Real Housewives of NYC--and I say that with love--was arrested earlier this week after roaring through a stop sign at Two AM in Southampton.

She refused to take the Breathalyzer unless she got a chance to rinse with Tanqueray first, so they dropped her in a cell.

Oh, these housewives. Arrests for being drunk. Arrests for beating up your old boyfriend. Insanity. They have it all.

Still, in Sonja's defense, rumor has it that just as she approached the stop sign, Countless Luann DeLessep's, um, song[?] came on the radio and Sonja hurled her Bentley threw the intersection in hopes of killing herself before the second verse.

I know how she feels. I heard the song on the show last week and suddenly I found myself with my head in the microwave and a finger on defrost.

Just sayin'.

Fran Drescher has outed her ex-husband.
Drescher and her ex, Peter Marc Jacobson, worked hand-in-hand back in 2008 to block Prop H8 in California, and now she's telling us why he was so passionate about it.

The man she was married to for 20 years is a sequin-wearing-Liza-Loving-Fire-Island-going-disco-dancing homo!

Fran Drescher: “Peter and I met when we were 15. We were just kids and didn’t know who we truly were. We went through a lot together...[We are] the best of friends [and] we love each other dearly."
And, of course, they are now taking their oddly dysfunctional marriage to a place where it belongs.

On. TV.

In.A.Sitcom.

Interesting.

I always like it when a famous person, known mostly for their addictions to drugs and, well, or, alcohol--yeah, Lindsay, we're looking at you--cleans up their act.

They start to look like a washed and dried version of their former self.

Unless you're Courtney Love.

Then you begin to look like a nipped-tucked-dermabrasioned-botox'd-lipo'd-chemically-peeled version of your former self.

Yes.

That is Courtney Love.

Before and after.

And speaking of Lindsay--and around here we always speak Lindsanity--she has found a new way to get her legal highs.

Now that she's being all alcohol-braceleted and drug tested, I mean.

Lindsay goes to the dentist.

And she gets teeth pulled.

And she gets all the drugs she needs.

Legally.

Hmmm......Let's see. The average person has 32 teeth, counting the wisdom teeth, so Lindsay probably has another thirty or so scheduled dental appointments before she switches to elective surgeries to get her fix.

At this rate, we won't soon be able to tell the difference between Lohan and Love.

Scary.

We haven't had any Charlie Sheen news for a while, so here goes:

He's going to jail.

At least that's the rumor.

Sources--and by sources i mean courthouse janitors--say that this Monday Charlie will plead guilty to assault and spend the next thirty years in.....

What?

Days? Thirty days?

Damn.

Charlie will spend thirty days in jail for threatening his wife with a knife on Christmas morning...which is a holiday ritual in most drug-and-alcohol-addicted Hollywood homes, or so I'm told.

But, his wife, the attackee, Brooke Mueller, won't be accompanying him on his last day of freedom.

Wow. The man attacks you, threatens you with a knife, and you won't go to court with him as he pleads guilty and heads to the big house? What kind of example is she setting for the Tinseltown set?

As if they weren't gay enough.

This year the Tony Awards are going gayer than ever.

Newly out, and Tony-nominated, Sean Hayes, will be the host of the Gayest Show On Earth.

And now comes news that Glee stars, and Broadways veterans, Lea Michele and Matthew Morrison, are set to perform.

I'd listen to Lea sing anything.

And, well, while she sings, if Matthew could just stand there, looking sexy, and shaking his hot ass like he did on last week's episode, well.......

Heaven.