The Funny Papers

David Horsey, Mike Smith, Nick Anderson, Adam Zyglis, Jack Ohman, Gary Varvel, RJ Matson, Phil Hands, Pat Bagley, Patrick Chappatte, Jim Morin

Random Musings

So we celebrated our anniversary on Sunday by giving one another the traditional anniversary gifts.

The traditional gift for a Third Anniversary is Horror Movie, so we saw It, while the traditional anniversary gift for the Seventeenth Anniversary is Bacon, so we went out for dinner and I order a Bacon-Infused Vodka Bloody Mary.

We are nothing if not a traditional couple.

Of course, we also went to our favorite little Mexican restaurant here in Smallville, Salud, on our actual anniversary Tuesday and, again, wanting to be traditional, I had two Habanero Margaritas ... spicy Anniversary indeed.

Sgt. La David Johnson was killed in Niger recently, and this week his body was flown home. And, as you may know, right now _____ is involved in a kerfuffle regarding presidential phone calls to the widows of fallen soldiers; as more dead soldiers returned to America this week the Fat Bastard was golfing and Twitter came for him relentlessly enough to make him fume that Obama never called any families of fallen military personnel ... which, as usual, was a lie.

So, _____ called Sgt. Johnson’s widow, Myeshia, pregnant with their third child, just before Johnson’s body arrived home; he spoke via speakerphone to Myeshia Johnson and Congresswoman Frederica Wilson and ____ told the widow that her husband “knew what he signed up for … but when it happens it hurts anyway.”

He knew what he signed up for? That’s what a president says during a condolence call?

Rex Tillerson was right ... he’s a moron and maybe we should be glad he doesn’t make these kinds of calls.

From the ‘Sorry, Not Sorry File’ ... Josh “Sister Diddler” Duggar has lost his lawsuit against In Touch Weekly.

In 2015 the magazine reported that The Diddler was accused of molesting his younger sisters while they were all minors. In June of this year, The Diddler and his sisters separately sued In Touch’s parent company, Bauer Publishing, claiming that the local police had provided In Touch with their names, even though their identities should have been redacted by police before being handed over to the magazine.

The court told The Diddler and his sister to take a seat because it wasn’t the magazine’s fault that police released their names.

The Duggars’ suit against the police is continuing. You know, because they want this story kept secret so they keep suing about it to make some money because not one of them knows how to do anything but whore their personal lives to the media.

As my BFF Judge Judy would, “Get.A.Job.”

The New Yorker recently published an article about what America might face if _____ were impeached and Mike Pence became president, and this is just a snippet:

“_____ thinks Pence is great,” [Steve] Bannon told me. But, according to a longtime associate, _____ also likes to “let Pence know who’s boss.” A staff member from _____’s campaign recalls him mocking Pence’s religiosity. He said that, when people met with _____ after stopping by Pence’s office, _____ would ask them, “Did Mike make you pray?” Two sources also recalled _____ needling Pence about his views on abortion and homosexuality. During a meeting with a legal scholar, _____ belittled Pence’s determination to overturn Roe v. Wade. The legal scholar had said that, if the Supreme Court did so, many states would likely legalize abortion on their own. “You see?” _____ asked Pence. “You’ve wasted all this time and energy on it, and it’s not going to end abortion anyway.” When the conversation turned to gay rights, _____ motioned toward Pence and joked, “Don’t ask that guy—he wants to hang them all!”

He wants to hang them all! Isn’t that funny? Joking about Killing The Gays? Now, if you think it is funny—and what would you be doing here then anyway?—think about it like this:

What is it was Black people Pence wanted to hang? Jews? Baptists? Catholics? Women? Children? Still find it funny, Asshat?

Now, if wanna hear something really funny ... on Monday the  Republican-led Senate confirmed Callista Gingrich, wife of former House Speaker Newt Gingrich, as the US ambassador to the Vatican.

Yes. An adulterer is our ambassador to the Catholic Church. Callista, who, judging by her photo is a tight-ass of epic proportions, was a congressional aide—an intern a la Monica Lewinsky—when she began a six-year affair with Newt Gingrich, who was married at the time. Married at the time to his second wife, with whom he cheated with on his first wife.

Yes, our ambassador to the Vatican is an adulterer, but then this is America Under _____ so adultery is in even though to the Vatican adultery is sin!

Clearly a _____ supporter because he’s wearing an ‘I Stand For The Anthem’ t-shirt ... but he uses the American flag to sit on. A true American ....

More funny ... Davis Magnet IB Elementary, a predominately black public school in Mississippi named after Jefferson Davis will have its Confederate tied namesake stripped next year and replaced with the title of another president whose character students, parents and teachers have said is more fitting ... Barack Obama.

Pity the poor Lying Hypocritical Misogynistic Homophobic Racist Bigot In Chief who is probably fuming at this news.

Oliver Baggerman is Hot ... scorching; he was born in Tenerife in the Canary Islands on October 5, 1987 and was once, believe it or not a plumber ... lord help me I need my pipes cleaned. In 2008 he joined the Supermodel television competition and won. Now he walking catwalks and traveling the world instead of lying on the floor of my kitchen working on my plumbing ... the plot of so many gay porn films.

Just sayin’ and just showin'.

It looks like the rainbow will stay on the beach.

A rainbow lifeguard tower in Venice, California which was the subject of a petition campaign to keep it from being repainted to the standard blue color of other lifeguard towers has been saved by the L.A. County Board of Supervisors who voted unanimously to save the rainbow after receiving 11,000 signatures on a petition to save it.

Openly gay L.A. Supervisor Sheila Kuehl introduced the motion to let the stripes stand and in addition has asked that the tower be dedicated in memory of the late Bill Rosendahl, the first openly gay man elected to the Los Angeles City Council; in fact, the entire section of Venice Beach where the lifeguard tower stands will be renamed after him.

It’s purty, no?