I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

I adore Patti LuPone. She’s talented, brassy, ballsy, bold and has exactly zero fucks left to give. Even when it comes to old feuds like her decades long-running tiff with Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber.

La LuPone, as I call her, is returning to Broadway this spring with the revival of Stephen Sondheim’s Company and so she’s doing some press; and whenever Patti does press her tiff with ALW comes up. Now, Patti dished ALW in her 2011 memoir Patti LuPone: A Memoir and last year he countered with memories of her in his own book Unmasked: A Memoir, in which he dragged La LuPone for her diction. As you know, and if you don’t WTF is wrong with you, La LuPone was the original Evita and ALW still had a few notes for her about her performance.

Here’s how Patti found that out in a recent interview:

Did you read Andrew Lloyd Webber’s memoir?

No. Am I in it?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, dear.

The interviewer tells her that Andy “rehashed the expected stuff” like their falling out when ALW fired her from the Broadway production of Sunset Boulevard and replaced her with Glenn Close, and the interviewer says Andy “made a point of criticizing” La LuPone’s diction. Now, Patti wasn’t surprised by that, and even acknowledged it saying:

“You don’t know, when you’re in the moment, that you’re not enunciating.”

She added that John Houseman used to call her “flannel mouth” back in the day. So, she was fine with the diction comments until she realized he was talking about her performance in Evita:

“How could he talk about “Evita”? The whole thing is sung. He’s a jerk. He’s a sad sack. He is the definition of sad sack. I never wanted to do “Evita,” because it was the most bizarre music I’d ever heard. You’re raised on Rodgers and Hammerstein, Meredith Willson, Lerner and Loewe, and then you hear that? I heard the “Evita” concept album, and I went, ‘Ow, my ear.’”

But then she added:

“I thought ‘Evita’ was the best thing he and Tim Rice did. But the rest of it is schmaltz.”

That’s why I love La LuPone, a compliment and a dig going hand-in-hand.

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When Channing Tatum and Jenna Dewan announced they were divorcing after nine years of marriage, they both released the same no-drama statement about their split, saying how much they loved each other, but that they just weren’t going to be married anymore.

How quickly things change … Jenna, who has a book, Gracefully You: Finding Beauty and Balance in the Everyday, to publicize, is now crying about how she found out that Channing and Jessie J were dating … like all of us, or some of us, or none of us … by reading it on the internet.

But here’s the rub … Channing and Jessie J started dating after the Tatum’s split up, so why she is now acting like the scorned spouse is odd … except she has a book to sell and coins to make.

“I was in a state of shock. One week I’d be doing really well and the next I was slammed with a whole new slew of emotions. The rumor mill was churning out story after story. There were many times I hid under the covers, wondering what was next. The pain hit me like a tumbling avalanche. I was completely overcome with fear and sadness. It took many moments of sitting alone with my grief to force me into surrendering to my roller coaster of a situation.”

Funny, all that pain, and that wild roller coaster of an emotional ride didn’t stop Jenna from meeting and dating and hooking up with and having a baby with  Broadway actor Steve Kazee. I wonder if she called Channing to let him know, or if that’s just a one-sided thing … when you have a book to sell.

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Lori Loughlin is hilarious. She’s currently awaiting trial for her :::cough::: ALLEGED role in Operation Varsity Blues where rich people used illegal bribes to get their kids into prestigious universities. Lori stands accused of paying $500,000 to fake some rowing credentials for her daughters, Olivia Jade and Isabella Giannulli to get them into USC because they weren’t smart enough to get in on their own merits.

But that’s not the funny part; Loughlin pled not guilty, where others—like Felicity Huffman—pled out, and were given very light sentences. And then ,even funnier, Loughlin has now been hit with more charges and funniest of all is that Lori Loughlin has been watching Felicity Huffman’s 13-day prison stay and wants to know what it’s like because she thinks she’ll get the same deal.

Oh Lori, you’ll be going to a Fuller Big House.

For a longer time, too, honey.

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What do you do if you’re tasked with playing a role in a film, like say, oh, I dunno, The Joker, in Suicide Squad, and think you’re gonna ride that part to an Oscar like Heath Ledger did in that Batman movie? And then you don’t. But then you think you’ll take the part on again and play it in a stand-alone film about The Joker’s origin story and you learn that Joaquin Phoenix has gotten your part?

Well, if you’re  Jared Leto you try and try and try … and try to stop the film from happening. And you fail. Kinda because Suicide Squad sucked, and many of your scenes were chopped from the film, and so no one wanted Jared Leto back on film in that role except for Jared Leto. And now, in 2019, that Joker film is killing it at the box office and it looks like its star, Joaquin Phoenix, might get that Joker Oscar.

According to sources familiar with Leto’s behavior, when the Oscar-winning actor—for Dallas Buyer’s Club—learned of the Todd Phillips project, he not only complained to his agents at CAA, who also represent Phillips, but asked his music manager, Irving Azoff, to call the leader of Warners parent company to get Warners to kill the Phillips film if he didn’t get the lead. Sources say Leto felt his agents should have told him about the Phillips project earlier and fought harder for his version of Joker, or at least stopped the rival project, arguing that Leto wasn’t being treated properly as an Oscar winner.

Everyone said, ‘No,’ and now Jared is no longer represented by CAA or Azoff.

Oops.

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What’s that smell? 

It smells like aging Miley Cyrus desperate for attention, but it’s actually 73-year-old Suzanne Somers celebrating her 73rd birthday by posting a picture of herself in her literal birthday suit.

Oh Suzanne, desperation smells terrible at age 26 and even worse at 73.

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What smells glorious is 74-year-old Hellen Mirren at the premiere of her latest film, The Good Liar.

Somers should take notes.

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It's Snarkurday!

I have always found Colin Farrell hot ... even dirty, drunk, sloppy, bordering on Johnny Depp-like messiness, I’ve always found him hot.

Well, Colin was on Ellen this week and played a game called Celebrity Confessions which involves the guest confessing to something in exchange for a $10,000 donation to the charity of their choice.

So, Colin talked about the time he gave his pubes a bad haircut. See, he was about to shoot a sex scene for Tigerland and he asked director Joel Schumacher for pubic hair removal approval ... is that a thing in Hollywood? 

Colin wanted to trim it ... Joel said “Do it.” ... Colin grabbed a beard trimmer from makeup-and-hair and went to town; and then went through town and out of town and all around town.

Suddenly his big bush was a landing strip and, well, his pubic hair did not make their film debut after all.

Note to Colin: Um, I’m pretty handy with a pair of clippers so the next time you’d like to manscape down there, gimme a call. I’d be happy to lend a hand or ... since I’ve seen that video ... two.

Just sayin’.
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This makes my skin crawl, but I’ve got a duty to snark so ... Cindy Rueda, former personal chef to Puff-Daddy-P-Diddy-Sean-Combs-Whatever, has filed a sexual harassment suit saying she was exposed to improper sexual activity and commentary while working in the Diddy manse.

In the complaint, Rueda ALLEGES that she was “regularly summoned by Mr. Combs to prepare and serve entrees and appetizers to him and his guests while Mr. Combs and/or his guests were engaged in or immediately following sexual activity.”

Ooh, Roman Orgy-style? And, Rueda ALLEGES, once when Combs asked her to prepare a “post-coital meal” he asked if she was attracted to his naked body.

I believe she may have hurled on Little Diddy. I would have.

Another time “a male house guest of Combs approached plaintiff in the nude to ask her to look at and admire his genitals after he had engaged in sexual activity with another house guest.”

Perhaps she wasn’t just serving crabs, but checking for them as well?

Rueda—who began working for Diddy but never diddling Diddy in 2015—is also claiming that she was required to work from 9AM until 2:30AM for just $150 a day, and that she traveled with Diddy for no extra pay.

And, she ALLEGES, that a year later when she complained about the long hours, the low pay, and the orgies and meals, she was fired ALLEGEDLY for  stealing a watch she says was given to her by the housekeeper, who found it in the trash.

What? Here’s the deal, girl: if you’re working 17 hours a day and getting just $150, you quit. If you’re working for a man who wants to serve him and his sex-guests an after orgy meal, you quit. If Sean Combs says, “How do you like my junk?” you throw up and then you quit.

You don’t stay for over a year and then bitch when you get canned.

Okurrrrrrrr?
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On last week’s RuPaul’s Drag Race, the queens were challenged to film a parody of Beverly Hills, 90210 called Beverly Hills, 9021-HO. The scenes were directed and judged by former 90210 stars Tori “Can’t pay my bills” Spelling and Jennie “Where is my career?” Garth.

And during the judging Tori and Jennie proved they are still bitchy mean girls by throwing shade at their 90210 co-star, Tiffani “There used to be an Amber there” Thiessen.

See, while critiquing Aja’s performance—a parody of Tiffani’s character Valerie Malone—Jennie refused to say Tiffani’s name, and Tori replied by calling Tiffani “That which we don’t speak of.”

And here’s why: the fued goes back to 1994 when Tiffani joined the cast in 1994. Things were cold in the beginning, but then warmed up a little and she became good friends with Jennie.  But, when Tori cheated on her first husband, Charlie, with her second husband-to-be, Dean, and then divorced Charlie, Tiffani’s friendship with the Mean Girls fell apart because Tiffani’s best friend was Charlie’s roommate.

And so, apparently, a decade later Tori and Jennie are still Bitter Bettys about it.

Gosh maybe Ryan Murphy can make this into a season of Feud ... or, if not a whole season, at least a very disturbing PSA.

Anyway, as feuds go, I tend to pick a side and I’ll stand with Tiffani because Tiffani has a job on Food Network and so, unlike Tori, she can pay her bills, and unlike Jennie, she’s working. But mainly I fall on Team Tiff because she worked for years on White Collar and got to stand within inches of Matt Bomer and that means we will always be on the same team!

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The list of things Justin Bieber needs to have while he’s on tour—it’s called a ‘rider’—have been exposed by music journalist Arjun S. Ravi, and, well, Bieber's a bigger douche than I originally thought ...

Ravi Tweeted what he claims is Bieber’s rider for his Purpose World Tour in Mumbai this week and it is something. Here now, is what Justin Bieber demands for himself and his entourage of 120 while he’s in India for one single show:

A helicopter to take him from his hotel to the concert venue.

A dressing room draped entirely in white curtains.

A lot of food, like bags of Swedish Fish and sugary cereal.

Ten luxury cars and two buses for his entourage, in addition to a Rolls Royce solely for himself.

Two five-star hotels, with three full floors and a private elevator reserved only for him in one of the hotels.

He will be shipping in his own ping pong table, sofa set, washing machine, and fridge.

He demands purple carnations, 100 hangers, a massage table and a female massage therapist in his room.

He demands that the five-star hotel chefs prepare him 5 special meals a day, each of which is renamed after his songs ...

Never Say Never to Mac’n’Cheese? What Do You Mean There’s No Pie? Love Yourself Like I Love Cheese Pizza?

He also wants a “yoga casket” containing essential oils, books on chakras and yoga asanas.

Oh, and last but assuredly not least, no lilies! I guess he’s a’scurred a’lilies.

Seriously, he out-divas JLo and Mimi and they've been around for half a century.

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So Suicide Squad. Out and gone in a relative flash, but now comes a tale of Jared Leto’s extreme method acting. 

It seems that his Suicide Squad co-star Ike Barinholtz was the recipient of Jared Leto Acting 101.

During an interview with Howard Stern, Ike talked about playing a prison guard in the film and shared a scene with Jared in which Let’s Joker offers to help Ike’s character out with some gambling debts.

Jared played the scene real close to Ike and even planted an unplanned kiss on him, saying and doing several things that were never in the script:

“I do this scene with Jared Leto and he’s supposed to be intimidating me. He comes in ... and he starts squeezing my tits. He’s like [panting and moaning] ‘You’re a big guy’. This is while we’re filming. Then he fucking grabs me and kisses me. On the mouth, full kisses me. I thought, OK, I’m just gonna go with it. But then he’s like, [panting and moaning again] ‘Did someone piss their pants?’ I’m like, now I did because you said I did!”

Man, first I miss out on manscaping Colin Farrell's nether regions and now I lose out on a steamy Leto kiss?

I need to get to Hollywood; I’ve work to do.

Oh, and I'm a whore.
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Beyoncé’s representative is not happy with y’all. In case you’ve forgotten, Beyoncé is still pregnant with her twins, and spends her days posting pictures to Instagram lest the Beyhive come for her.

But, in one photo—up there—it looks as though her lips have been Jolie’d. And as people talked about the visits to the Lip Doctor, Beyoncé’s publicist, Yvette Noel-Schure, lost her damned mind and told anyone and everyone who thinks Beyoncé’s lips look fake to f**k off:

“What do you know about the effects of pregnancy on a woman’s entire body? Please tell me. Did you know that in addition to weight gain there is often a dramatic change in the blood flow in the system and increased fluid causing swelling? Do you know that often women’s gums get swollen? Do you know that it sometimes affects our speech, our ability to chew intently and a host of other things? But the sacrifice to our faces, our feet and our entire bodies is something we welcome because we bring beautiful humans into the world who will one day combat your hate and negativity. I stood silent during Beyoncé’s first pregnancy when you thought it was okay to bully her like the cowards you are, when you accused her of never being pregnant, but I simply cannot this time. You are the saddest individuals and picking on a pregnant lady is tantamount to possessing the coldest, despicable heart. You need to find something else to do with your time and maybe stop by a store that has happiness on sale because you need to buy some.”

Sorry, Yvette. Maybe we didn’t know that, like most women, Beyoncé suffers a little baby weight gain ... in.her.lips.
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Rumors have swirling ever since Chris Rock revealed in a comedy routine that he’d cheated on his ex-wife with three different women, including a big star. And now foils are saying the big star is Scandal’s Kerry Washington.

A source—and it could be Lohan, still trying to get Mean girls: The Musical on Broadway ... in a high school gym, on Broadway—says:

“He was cheating on his wife with Kerry when they were filming [‘I Think I Love My Wife’] about him, ironically, having fantasies of cheating on his wife. That went on for a while, for like six months, and she found out. There’s no gray area.”

Rumors about the Chris-Kerry Tryst have been around since 2007, when Rock was married and Washington was engaged to actor David Moscow who, when asked about the ALLEGED affair, uttered, “No comment.”

Still, some say it was a joke because Chris also said he cheated with a member of Destiny’s Child, but not Beyoncé.

Hmmm, I wonder what Beyoncé’s lips looked like then?
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So, Conrad Hilton, Paris Hilton’s little brother; you thought she was a self-entitled spoiled rich kid, well, she’s got nothing on her baby brother.

Conrad used to date Hunter Salomon, the daughter of actress E.G. Daily—“Dottie” in Pee-Wee Herman’s Big Adventure—and Paris Hilton porn tape co-star Rick Salomon.

This week Conrad was arrested for ALLEGEDLY trying to break into her house—again—last Saturday morning; and, in addition to trying to break into the home, he’s also ALLEGEDLY charged with grand theft auto for stealing E.G.’s ex-husband, and Hunter’s dad, Rick Salomon’s, Bentley from HIS house before the break-in.

Hunter filed a restraining order when they broke up in May of 2015, but Conrad violated it almost at once; this, in fact, is the second time he’s broken into her home, and now E.G. is talking about Conrad’s scary behavior towards her family that has been going on for years. She’s even talked to his parents, Rick and Kathy Hilton, and tried to cut Conrad a break, if he’d just stay away, but, you know, rich, white, drug addicted stalkers are hard to keep at bay.

Especially when they keep getting arrested and yet their bail is set at a measly—by Hilton standards—$60,000.

Oh, and lest we forget what a vile human being Connie Hilton is, he exploded on police who showed up to arrest him for breaking-and-entering in a spree of homophobic slurs, racial epithets and rape accusations, in addition to making even Reese Witherspoon cringe at the ‘Don’t you know who I am?’ of it all:

“I’m Conrad motherf***ing Hilton, don’t you forget it.”

How can we forget you Connie when you keep getting arrested. We’d love to forget you if only your punishment would fit your crimes.
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Now, in sweet news, longtime unmarried lovebirds Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn both got their stars on the Hollywood Walk of Fame; and they are side-by-side. And they gushed about one another in their acceptance speeches:

“Goldie, to you, I owe my wonderful life. Simply put, Goldie, I cherish you. All of the stars in the sky or on the boulevard don’t hold a candle to that.”

Hawn and Russell never tied the knot, and yet they’ve stayed together for 33-years. Russell, accepting his star, joked that it “will be subjected to the constant harshness of the blazing California sun” and “stray dogs of both the canine and human variety — perhaps in need of a little relief.” He said it will “trod upon by the soles of shoes caked with earth from all corners of the world.” And the added:

“There’s no one else I’d rather be next to for all of that than Goldie Hawn.”

Goldie, for her part, began by asking a question:

“Can we just get married? We’ve never had a celebration like this before, but I’m not going to pop the question.”

Sweet. After the sludge above it’s nice to end with sweet, eh?

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It's Snarkurday!

I always like how Jennifer Lawrence tries to play herself off as just a Regular Jen.

See her fall down at the Oscars! Watch her barf on a red carpet! Hear her talk about farting! Watch her have an entire boutique in New York City shut down so she could shop!

Wait … what? Yup, JLaw went into Alexander Wang’s shop in Soho last week and had the store shut down for an hour — customers, regular folk, you know, were turned away — so she could browse without the riff-raff getting too close.

Regular Jen? Not so much.

Sean Hayes plays God in “An Act of God,” now playing in LA, and he’s taking the role to heart, even if it means calling out Candy Spelling for being late to the theater.

On opening night, the late Candy Spelling tried to slip into her seat unnoticed when God, er, Sean Hayes said, from the stage:

“I am the Lord ... but I’ll wait.”

Yes, even God waits for Candy Spelling to find a seat.

Jared Leto is one of those “method Actors” who has to live the role while he plays the role … as he did while playing The Joker in the upcoming Suicide Squad.

He opted to send out Welcome To The Production Gifts to the cast … like bullets for Will Smith — to possibly send out to Oscar voters next year if he’s snubbed again — and a live rat he sent to Margot Robie. Leto even sent a special gift to Viola Davis:

“The Joker – he did some bad things, Jared Leto did. He gave some really horrific gifts. He had a henchman who’d come into the rehearsal room, and the henchman came in with a dead pig, and plopped it on the table. And then he walked out. And that was our introduction into Jared Leto.”

Yup, Viola got a dead pig from Jared Leto. So what? Was FTD closed that day?

So, Rihanna bailed on the Grammys and now she’s bailing on her tour?

Well, it’s happening, but now where and how it was supposed to happen. It was ALLEGEDLY set to start this week in San Diego, but it’s been moved to March 12 … in Jacksonville, Florida. But San Diego isn’t the only city Rihanna is screwing; shows in Oakland, San Jose, Houston, Austin, Dallas, Atlanta, Phoenix, and New Orleans have been rescheduled for May because of … “production delays.”

Maybe the Weed Truck is delayed?

But it’s worse in England where Rihanna has simply canceled two shows in Sunderland and Cardiff due to “logistical reasons.”

The Weed Truck doesn’t have a passport?

And it’s not great in the rest of Europe; Rihanna’s show in Berlin has been moved from the Olympic Stadium to the smaller Mercedes-Benz Arena, and the same thing happened in Belgium, where she’ll be headlining a summer festival instead of her own show; in Vienna, RiRi has been moved from the Ernst Happel Stadium to the smaller Wiener Stadthalle.

Downsizing. It’s not a good look on you Rihanna!

Oh Anne Hathaway! The role of a lifetime for you and, well, better luck next time.

Last fall, Disney announced that they’re working on a musical sequel to Mary Poppins because everyone wanted one … fifty years after the first one. Well, Disney executives did because they like the idea of more coins.

Still, this Poppins sequel will take place 20 years after the first movie and will use stories from the P.L. Travers’ series. And everyone, well, at least Anne Hathaway, was brimming with excitement because Anne Hathaway would be playing Mary—

What? Rumor has it that Emily Blunt had been offered the role and is in talks with Disney and so that ear-piercing, blood-curdling, agent-firing shriek you hear is Anne Hathaway, beating the ground with an umbrella with a talking bird handle.

Chim-chim-cheree, my ass!

So, 50 Cent. Last we talked he’d filed for bankruptcy and said the idea that he be forced to pay the lawsuits he lost was akin to slavery.

But, as we know, 50 loves to post photos of himself with stacks of cash on social media — he’s been doing it forever — and now a judge wants to know where all that cash came from, and since he takes selfies with it, it must be his, and therefore he can pay all his legal bills.

In response, 50 posted a photo of himself on a street corner holding a tin cup asking for spare change.

I guess money can’t buy you happiness or, in the case of Harry Styles, deodorant.

Apparently, on a recent episode of Keeping Up With The Kardastrophes, Kendall, the model one, and Kylie, the not-model one, talked about Harry Styles being all kinds of pig stank.

Kendall said:

“I’ve asked him to shower more and told him a little deodorant never hurts.”

Ouch. But Styles could be used to it, because his last girlfriend, one Taylor Swift, ALLEGEDLY refused to kiss him because he had pig stank breath.

And, speaking of stank … the king of it all, Johnny Depp. Seriously, the man looks like he never bathes, washes his clothes, brushes his teeth, or combs his hair.

But maybe that’s all wrong; I mean, he looks like a  bum, and possibly reeks of alcohol, but Depp himself says that when people meet him they almost always comment on how he doesn’t smell as bad as he looks:

 “When I met people they said, ‘You do look like a hobo, but you smell really good.’ And goddamn it, I smell really good!”

And he says it’s because he uses Dior perfume.

That must be some strong-assed eau de toilette.

I’ve often assumed that Ariana Grande is the reincarnation of Mariah Carey — even though Mariah isn’t dead … it’s just her career that died — and now I have proof.

A new video has surfaced of Mariah being wheeled through a hotel lobby on a special dolly with a chair attachment so Mimi’s feet don’t touch the Earth. Now, I know what you’re saying: Ariana isn’t the new Mimi because Ariana gets carried around by her handlers.

But, c’mon, how many men would it take to lift Mariah? Just sayin … a dolly chair is better.

Oh, and since we talked Rihanna and her tour d-i-saster, let’s revisit her sudden disappearance from last week’s Grammys.

I said that it seemed like she ran off before performing because she’d seen Kendrick Lamar’s rehearsal and knew that her performance was more kindergarten Christmas pageant in comparison and so she fled. Turns out, I was right.

Say it again: Bob was right.

Rihanna’s people said:

“She felt like her performance couldn’t compare [to some of the other artists’], and she was trying to avoid the embarrassment because she knew it wasn’t the right comeback performance. She said, ‘I’m not doing this.'”

Say it with me: Bob was right.

And we’ll end with Rob Kardastrophe, and the fact that his family, especially That Woman, hate the fact that he’s boning Kylie’s boyfriend’s Baby Mama, Blac Chyna.

It appears That Woman would do anything to keep Rob out of Chyna — see what I did there? — and has gone so far as to buy Rob his own home in the Kardastrophe Kommunity in the hopes that maybe he’ll move away from his piece.

Didn’t happen. In fact, it appears Rob has moved Blac Chyna into the home That Woman bought and Blac Chyna began releasing video of all of the foods That Woman bought for him: Sharon’s Sorbet, McCann’s Irish Oatmeal and I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter! Now that’s kinda funny, but the message Rob posted on Instagram after the move is the height of high-larity:

“When the pussy good but your family don’t like her so you drop your family and become an orphan.”

I’m guessing That Woman is flipping out in her crypt and just waiting for sunset so she can wing her way to Rob’s house and take back all the I Can’t Believe It’s not Butter!