I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

Gwen Stefani and Blake Shelton have been together for over four years, and there’s been wedding rumors  since Day One, but, apparently, Gwen won’t walk down the aisle because she’s really Catholic and won’t get married until her fourteen year marriage to Gavin Rossdale is annulled by the church.

Huh. I didn’t know “really Catholic: meant shacking up with your new lover, but I guess “really Catholic” means picking and choosing the rules you feel best suit your situation.

And a Sidenote: since annulment basically says there was no marriage at any time ever between Gavin and Gwen does that mean her children with Gavin are now bastard children?

I mean, it’s the Catholics, so we know they’re kinda effed up.

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Oh my … That Woman, the matriarch of the Kardastrophe Klan, has come out from her crypt bearing Christmas gifts.

Apparently, That Woman has partnered with Botox Cosmetics for a campaign called Gift Like A Boss and she will be giving the gift of poison injections into your face to celebrate the birth of the Baby Jeebus.

And, from what I’ve heard, to save some money, cuz that shiz can be costly, she’s having the stores of Botox already in her face opened up for the gift exchange. Yes, it’s used Botox from That Woman, and her explanation is e-very-thing:

“It’s a one stop shop for me. And who doesn’t love Botox? For me it’s been really great. If you’re responsible, and you talk to your doctor, I think it works. It’s something that I’ve been using for a long time. My routine is pretty simple, but it always has been my entire life. A massage, a great facial, a manicure and a little Botox and I’m good to go. I’m pretty traditional. As long as I’m clean and scrubbed up, I’m a happy camper.”

Oh, dear god. someone stop this tool from speaking.

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And speaking of delusional tools and their Christmas gifts, enter GOOP.

In addition to her loads of useless way-too-expensive crap she wants to unload this season, Gwyneth Paltrow’s new holiday commercial featuring her gifting herself a vibrator.

Seriously; the ad features Gwynnie getting ready for guests in her luxurious penthouse, laying out the food and drinks and then stuffing a vibrator into her … stocking.

It’s the new G Label dildo and sells for a Paltrow, er, paltry, $100. But if you’re feeling like royalty and not a peasant, GOOP also offers  24-karat gold Lelo vibrator for $3500.

Batteries ALLEGEDLY not included.

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Bill Cosby is currently serving a 3-10-year prison sentence for sexual assault, but had, of course, appealed the ruling claiming this was some kind of conspiratorial political hit … on a comedian.

His appeal was denied, so, yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus.

Merry Christmas. I hope there’s Jell-O on the menu come the 25th.

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A couple of weeks back, Justin Timberlake was photographed getting a little too handsy—holding handsy—with his co-star Alisha Wainwright.

But friends came to his defense and said, basically, That’s Justin! This Fall on Fox.

But I digress. And then, Timberlake took to social media to basically say it was nothing, but that he’s sorry for the “nothing” and hopes the “nothing” didn’t embarrassment his wife, Jessica Biel, and their son.

It was “nothing” …except, it now appears Justin was ordered to do the Instagram PSA by Jessica, who wasn’t just gonna take a kitchen table apology.

I guess it wasn’t really “nothing” after all.

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Eddie Murphy is promoting Dolemite Is My Name and apparently feels that bragging about the ten times he’s knocked ups several different women is really sexy …to women, cuz he said this:

“Men kind of look at me like, ‘He’s crazy. How much did that s–t cost?’ And women, it’s kind of like, something sexy about it, I think. [They think,] ‘Eddie Murphy must be doing his thing. Eddie Murphy be getting it in.’”

He’s, um, gotten it in ten times.

Here’s the rundown: Murphy and his fiancée Paige Butcher welcomed his 10th child last December, adding to the daughter they already have.

Murphy also has children—Bria, 30, Miles, 27, Shayne, 25, Zola, 19, and Bella, 17—with ex-wife Nicole Murphy. Then there’s the son, Eric, 30, with Paulette McNeely, and another son Christian, 29, with Tamera Hood, and daughter Angel with Spice Girl Mel B.

And if you check the ages of his children, Eddie was getting it in … without protection … with more than one woman at a time.

Yeah, that’s sexy.

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I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

When last we left Jenna Dewan, formerly Tatum, she was complaining a bit about being blindside by her ex-husband Channing’s new girlfriend while Jenna herself already had a new boyfriend and was already knocked up.

It’s a pity party of one, and a play for attention. But now comes the ugly … while the Tatum’s quickly divorced so they could quickly move on to the next one, their custody battle for rages on.

Jenna is claiming her movie star husband is a deadbeat dad because when he has their daughter, Everly, he won’t let Jenna FaceTime with her. To make matters worse, Jenna says when she has Everly, Channing never calls. Meanwhile, Channing is claiming that Jenna is just “so difficult” that he FaceTimes Everly through the nanny.

Remember when they were madly in love? They don’t.

Jenna also claims that Channing doesn’t pay his share of child support, while Channing points to a “joint account with community funds that cover Everly’s expenses.” And lastly, the couple has to go to court to get a judge to declare what Everly’s holiday schedule will be because the two of them cannot agree on a single date.

Lemme clear this up for the couple, and play Fortune Teller … Everly will grow up and one day she will Google her parents and see them all lovey dovey on a Monday, divorcing on a Tuesday, hooking up with some else on a Wednesday, and, in Mama’s case, pregnant by Thursday, and then fighting over their child because they’re so pissed at one another they don’t even see what they’ve done to their daughter,

Nice.

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Wendy Williams is so thirsty for attention that she talks about rumors about herself that don’t even exist.

It seems Wendy took an entire segment on her show recently to refute a Radar Online piece entitled “Sorry Whitney! Houston’s Lesbian Lover Robyn Crawford Now BFFs With Wendy Williams” which Wendy seems to think outed her as a lesbian.

BFF, Wendy, in case you don’t know, is Best friends Forever, and isn’t some kind of underground lesbian code.

Take a seat, and have a drink. You’re clearly parched.

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The only thing big about Tom Cruise, other than his ego, are the lifts in his, ALLEGEDLY, size six shoes. I mean, the bitch is tiny.

And the creator of Jack Reacher, played by Tiny Tom in two films, Lee Child, has always maintained that Tom was too tiny to be Jack, but now he’s also saying Cruise is too old:

 “I’ve never seen him in bare feet. He wears Timberland boots with a decent sole on them. [But] he is absolutely average height … All actors are small.”

Well, Tom won’t be playing Jack Reacher anymore, because according to Lee, he had a clause in his contract that allowed him to leave after two films; and since neither film was very successful, Tiny Tom is out.

Lee—who claims to like Cruise—also thinks Tiny Tom is past his prime and should give up the action and maybe reboot the Ironside franchise and play the cop in the wheelchair:

“He’s too old for this stuff. He’s 57, he needs to move on, transition to being a character actor. He could get another 20 years out of it. He is talented. He’s a terrific guy, very considerate, good fun.”

But old. And short. I mean, you can shove an insert in your shoe to make yourself appear taller, but short of the Lucille Ball in Mame filter, you cannot appear to be younger.

That wheelchair role is looking better and better.

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This week a series of photographs appeared of Justin Timberlake holding hands with his co-star Alisha Wainwright at a bar in New Orleans; there were also shots of the pair entering and exiting Justin’s trailer onset.

No big deal, except, Missus Timberlake, Jessica Biel. But maybe she doesn’t care because in this day of signaling that your marriage is over—showing up on Instagram without your wedding ring—Biel is still wearing her diamond. And maybe it’s because, after years of marriage and years of Timberlake is cheating rumors, Jessica is all …

Shiz, he was just holding her hand? Bitch please.

Insiders to the Timberlake-Biel arrangement say that Justin and Jessica are “going to move on from this,” and his friends just say he likes to get drunk and hold hands with his pretty co-workers.

Nothing to see here, folks!

Right.

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Eighty-two-year-old Bill Cosby, who is spending the next several years in prison, recently gave an interview in which he says he just loves prison.

Uh huh. Sexual predator Cosby is doing his thing in jail and when it comes time for his parole hearing, he promises that you will not hear one ounce of remorse from him for ALLEGEDLY drugging and sexually assaulting over fifty women throughout his entire life:

“I have eight years and nine months left… When I come up for parole, they’re not going to hear me say that I have remorse. I was there. I don’t care what group of people come along and talk about this when they weren’t there. They don’t know. I’ve got a wife and a family, and friends, not in prison, who are so happy that I have something, that my spirit is up.”

Seriously, he isn’t remorseful but he’s delusional AF if he goes before the parole board and says he isn’t sorry.

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It's Snarkurday!

So, Beyoncé spilled the tea about her cheating husband, Jay Z, in her album ‘Lemonade,’ and some people went nuts.

I remember that album from back in the day, only then it was by Fleetwood Mac and it was called ‘Rumors’ and it was much better. But hey, Beyoncé never met an idea she didn’t steal so …

With the release of ‘Lemonade,’ more focus is placed on Jay Z’s ALLEGED affair with Rachel Roy — who may or may not have been the reason for the Solange-Jay Z Elevator Beatdown from the past.

Roy, a fashion designer — and who appeared to out herself as “Becky with the good hair” from Beyoncé’s track “Sorry” — says that some “personal information” from her computer was “stolen” and might include some damming info about Bey and Jay. And Roy  — who apparently has no boundaries about to schtupping other women’s men — says that other famous married men she banged might also be uncovered via the emails.

A day after playing the Beyoncé lyric “He only want me when I’m not there/He better call Becky with the good hair” in a social media post, Roy appeared to taunt Queen Bey. Then, realizing she looked like a whore, she made a public statement dismissing herself as Jay Z’s “other woman” after incurring the wrath of the BeyHive.

Never mind the wrath or Beyoncé, because there isn’t any; as long as the story stays out there and people think Roy might be ‘Becky,’ more copies of Lemonade will be sold and Beyoncé will pocket more coins.

After all, it’s the money that counts.

Poor Jessica Biel. She spent YEARS putting together her so-called “kid-friendly” restaurant, Au Fudge and, well, it’s not going so well.

When Au Fudge two months ago, it was not well-received; the kid’s menu is short and overpriced, the place is a hot mess and ALLEGEDLY poorly managed, there are hygiene issues, the focus is on booze and the food isn’t even good.

And now it gets worse because Biel had asked her husband, Justin Timberlake, to help her out by promoting the restaurant and he said, um, ‘No.’

Even though Biel friends like Jason Bateman, Tobey Maguire and Rachel Zoe showed up to promote the business, there is not one photo of Justin at the event — though sources say he was there.

I guess he just didn’t want to be associated with the place? And perhaps that’s because Justin’s own venture into the food biz, Southern Hospitality BBQ is New York, has also been plagued by problems.

Still, your wife’s dream becomes a reality and then a nightmare and you sit on your hands? That’s love, eh?

Blac Chyna, whose Baby Daddy Tyga may or may not be still schtupping Chyna’s newest Baby Daddy, Rob Kardastrophe’s little sister, Kylie Jenner, is in it for the coins.

The Kardastrophe Koins, that is. Chyna will soon be Mrs. Rob Kardastrophe and so she’s filed papers to trademark her name. No, not the name Blac Chyna; she’s gonna trademark her soon-to-be legal married name … Angela Renee Kardastrophe.

Chyna wants the exclusive legal rights to the name Angela Kardastrophe for “entertainment services, namely live television and movie appearances” as well as “living as a social media celebrity, model, actress, and performer.”

Blac Chyna won’t be Blac Chyna anymore … she’ll just be Angie Kardastrophe … and then the ex-missus Rob Kardastrophe because, after all, you gotta keep the players moving, right?

Word of Caution: don’t move next door to Minnie Driver and begin a remodel of your home.

It seems Driver is being sued by her Hollywood Hills neighbor, Daniel Perelmutter, for ALLEGEDLY impeding construction on his home and causing damage to it.

Perelmutter says Minnie is “deranged” and “needs to be institutionalized” and claims she “goes into frenzies” causing damage to his home.

In his lawsuit, he ALLEGES that Minnie has pelted his home with baby food jars filled with black paint, that she told him she wishes he was dead, and that she has tried to kill him with her car.  He also says she has blocked his workers’ access for up to eight hours at a time and that he could even … wait for it … end up dead due to Driver-Induced Stress [DIS]. And last week, police responded to their homes to find Minnie and Daniel screaming at each other over a delivery truck blocking her driveway.

Of course, Minnie has a side, too; she filed a restraining order against Perelmutter last November — which was granted — ALLEGING similar conduct and claiming that he jumped in front of her car twice.

The feud between Driver and Perelmutter, AKA the Hatfield’s and the McCoy’s, has been going on for more than a year but, perhaps they should just stop the dance and schtup already?

Or we can give Perelmutter  the last word, in a video he released to tell his side of the story:

“Since [Minnie] lost her job on TV she’s got nothing else to do but to fight with me. Until she gets a job, this is not going to end. Please tell Fox to hire her and get her out of my hair.”

Ouch.

So, Janet Jackson, at age fifty, may be expecting a child with her husband, billionaire Wissam Al Mana, but the rumors abound that this isn’t her first child.

Huh? What? There has been talk for years that Jackson had a daughter during her teenage first marriage to James DeBarge and kept the pregnancy a secret from him, and the world, and gave the child up for adoption.

Now, James DeBarge is talking. See, according to DeBarge, a young woman claiming to be his daughter reached out to him two years ago via email — though the two have never met — and that this woman asked for a DNA test, that hasn’t happened yet.

The woman claims in the emails to DeBarge that Janet had ALLEGEDLY put the girl up for adoption shortly before ending her short marriage to DeBarge. He says he suspected Jackson had a baby, and even went on a search to find her, but had no luck. He believes Jackson didn’t tell him about the child because of “fear and lots of pressure from every angle, from inside and outside… Not knowing how it could hurt her career.”

And now even James DeBarge’s mother is getting in on the story; she believes Janet was pregnant while married to James, but went away for a long time and when she came back, she ended the marriage.

Jackson’s rep did not comment on this story but will Janet’s baby have a much, much older sister?

No telling …

And speaking of babies …

In the last few weeks hundreds, yes, hundreds, of people have come forward claiming to be the son or daughter of Prince and holding a hand out for some of that Purple Rain coin. But, this isn’t about that; this is a feel good tale about Prince and his ALLEGED Kardastrophe Loathing.

Zooey Deschanel, of TV’s New Girl, was on Conan O’Brien’s show last week and told a heartwarming tale of how Prince’s power caused the staff of New Girl to burn all evidence of the Kardastrophes.

See, Prince was such a fan of the show that he offered to shoot a cameo for their Super Bowl episode. In the show, he played Prince — go figure — and was throwing a celebrity-filled party in L.A.  The producers then asked That Woman and Khloe Kardastrophe to be in the party scene and because they are a couple of bloodsucking famewhores, they said Yassssss!

And while they filmed their scenes before Prince arrived onset, Zooey told Conan that one of Prince’s assistants collected all of the scripts and calls sheets and anything with the name Kardastrophe on it and burned everything before prince saw it:

“I’m studying my lines. One of the PAs comes in and she’s like, ‘I need all of the scripts.’ She takes mine from me, takes everyone’s call sheets, so I’m like, What’s going on? I walk outside and she has like a bonfire. She’s burning all the scripts and the call sheets. And it turns out that someone from Prince’s camp said, ‘Who are the celebrities? I hope it’s not a Kardashian.’”

Yasssss.

We talked earlier about Rob Kardastrophe impregnating the woman who is the Baby Momma to his little sister’s boyfriend but let’s not more incestuous Hollywood …

Orlando Bloom was married to model Miranda Kerr who ALLEGEDLY, after the breakup with Bloom, rode Justin Bieber’s wiener a time or two, while Orlando decided to get even by allowing Bieber’s other ex, Selena Gomez, a free ride on Bloom Dick.

It’s a kind of a Circle Jerk, or a Circle of Jerks.

Then Orlando moved on from Selena and began dipping his wick into Katy Perry except … one night last week several cell phones caught Orlando Bloom and Selena Gomez making out at a Vegas nightclub. Orlando got very touchy-feely with the sixteen-year younger Gomez, though she ALLEGEDLY, after the make-out session, went home alone.

But what about Katy? She and Orlando were at a Met Gala after-party last week so they were still together … but I guess because she was in California and Orlando was in Vegas and he needed to cop a feel of a young girl and Gomez was handy … well, you get the idea.

But to keep the incestuous nature of the snark going, Miranda Kerr, Orlando’s ex and Justin’s one-night-several-night stand, was also in Vegas that weekend … at Selena’s concert.

I need a Bleach Bath. Or a Bleccch Bath.

I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

You know, when you thought Lindsay Lohan was all crazy and shiz, and then you met her family and thought, well, maybe they’re to blame for her lunacy, now comes the proof that the crazy isn’t just Lindsay but the whole gang.

It seems that Lohan’s half-sister Ashley Horn — one of Daddy Michael’s illegitimate offspring — has gotten a wide range of plastic surgery so she can look like … Lindsay Lohan.

Ashley’s surgeries — and while they are posed together somewhat alike, there isn’t much of a resemblance — cost around $25,000 which begs the question, Who the f**k is paying for this? Michael? Please, he denied this girl was his until a paternity test revealed she was his kid. Anyhoo, here’s Ashley, in her own Lohan-Insanity way, talking about her new look:

“I’ve gotten rhinoplasty, a bit of refinement underneath my cheeks and jawline, some fat injected into my chin and some fat injected into my upper cheeks. [...] I’m hotter than Lindsay! I have no problem saying that. … I’m not Lindsay. I wasn’t raised in that family. I don’t drink, do drugs or party. I like being a responsible person.”

Who, at age 19, spends 25K on plastic surgery to look like her famous sister.

Sheesh, even Ali Lohan had the surgery to look less like Lindsay.

From the Little Douche File …

Justin Bieber is a moron, a delusional moron, an over-paid, under-talented delusional moron. He doesn’t think rules apply to him, he dresses like a toddler whose diapers are always hanging out, and now he’s had his bodyguards carry him up the Great Wall of China because Justin don’t walk.

Can’t sing. Can’t dance. Can’t walk on his own. That’s talent in this day and age.

Mia Farrow gave an interview with Vanity Fair in which she took the time to continue to trash Woody Allen.

Now, don’t get riled up; Woody is a sad pathetic piece of work who, while with Mia Farrow, began schtupping his adopted daughter and then ended up marrying her.

Still, Mia, honey, let go. But she has more to dish on Woody, with a little slam at him as well. Mia drops a little bomb about son Ronan Farrow — named Satchel Allen at birth, he changed his name after Daddy started f**king his sister — and the question of his paternity.

Now Mia is implying that Ronan’s father could be her ex-husband Frank Sinatra, to whom she was married back in the 1960s and then ALLEGEDLY continued having drive-by sex with well into the 1980s — even after she hooked up with Woody.

Farrow discusses her relationship with Frank Sinatra, calling him the great love of her life, and saying, “We never really split up.” And, when asked point-blank if her biological son with Woody Allen, Ronan Farrow, may actually be the son of Frank Sinatra, Farrow answers, “Possibly.”

And when the interviewer went to ask Frank’s daughter, Nancy Sinatra Jr., about it, she said Ronan “is a big part of us, and we are blessed to have him in our lives.”

Sounds like everyone knows about Ronan’s daddy, except maybe the guy who was told he was the Daddy.

Man, whenever I start thinking about crazy people, I'm gonna back on this mess; the couple that gets together, has a child that might not be the father’s son, and then the father starts schtupping the daughter.

Lifetime? There’s a movie in the making!

Remember when Madonna was ... well, relevant?

I know it's been a while, but now it seems as though she's come full circle.  Now she's copying the people that copy her.

After some people went nutso about Miley Cyrus licking that sledgehammer in her Wrecking Ball video — while glossing over the whole riding the wrecking ball nekkid thing — Madonna has now Instagrammed a picture of herself licking a sword.

She's trying to one-up a girl young enough to be her granddaughter.

Stop it. Stop it now.

There’s always talk about the Kardastrophes but we never hear about Rob Kardashian. Is it because he doesn’t have a ginormous ass or a baby with an egotistical, might be gay, rap artist who calls himself Jesus? Is it because he isn’t married for TV to a crack-headed athlete? Is it because he’s boring?

Ding.Ding.Ding.

And even Robbie K. knows he’s boring. In an interview he says this:

“My job is — I make socks. That’s all I do. I don’t necessarily care about the show. I would rather film this — me doing what I do — than being around my family.”

Well, you gotta give him credit for getting of the K Train.

Justin Timberlake is a douche; not quite a douche of Kanye proportions, but a douche. And a tool. And, ALLEGEDLY, a cheater.

Back when Timberlake and Jessica Biel were dating he, ahem, again, ALLEGEDLY, cheated on her all the time, but she had no career to speak off and thought she could be the next Jennifer Garner-Affleck; a trophy wife who is talked about as being an actress but really just pumps out babies and takes them to the park.

Back to douche Justin.  While dating the future ex-Missus Timberlake, he was photographed making out with his backup dancers, and then he had a total affair with Olivia Munn who basically says it’s all true. But Jessica stayed with him and even agreed to marry him, even though the douche is strong with Justin, and now comes more cheating stories.

While in Rio de Janeiro for the Rock in Rio Festival in mid-September, reports surfaced that Justin once again cheated on Jessica Biel when he was spotted kissing married Brazilian actress Thaila Ayala, who fueled the fire when she posted an Instagram video of Justin performing at the festival with the caption: “A childhood dream – meet Justin and have him singing a foot in front of you.”

Sources — and it might be Dina Lohan who needs the money to pay her DUI lawyer and her foreclosure attorney — say Justin laughs it all off, but Missus Justin ain’t so sure:

“She flipped out… she’s afraid that Justin is incapable of controlling his impulses. She wants to believe that he’ll be faithful, but it’s hard to tune out all the chatter suggesting otherwise.”

Chatter and actions, I’m guessing. But, I’m also guessing that Justin likes the idea of married man so expect a baby JT to pop out in the next year, though, well, maybe, it won’t be with his wife.

Just sayin’.

I Ain't One To Gossip, But ....

I think I’ll just do some drive-bys this week, like I’m a whiny, self-indulgent prepubescent little pissant pop star running from cameras.

And speaking of Justin Bieber…..

He says he was being trailed by paparazzi the other day while tooling around LA in his $100,000 chrome-plated electric car, called a Fisker. Now, I don’t begrudge Little Miss Bieber a $100,000 car, and I give him props for getting an electric vehicle. But when you’re Justin Bieber, who, for some reason I simply cannot fathom, is a worldwide pop star, who doesn’t like attention, why would you drive a chrome-plated car? I mean, why not drive around in a tractor-trailer with a sign on the side that says I’m Justin Bieber?

See, then you wouldn’t have the paparazzi following you and you wouldn’t feel the need to drive 100 mph down the freeway putting your life, and the lives of others at risk. Oh, and you wouldn’t get stopped by the CHP and issued a ticket for going nearly double the speed limit.

Slow down Little Lady.

Demi Moore has had a rough time lately. And that’s hard on a Senior Citizen.

First, her Husband-Child, Ashton Kutcher, was caught diddling a blond in a hot tub on the Moore-Kutcher anniversary, and then came that whole drug-and-seizure-and-hospitalization  episode—fed by her need for Adderall, Red Bull and Whip-Its—followed by a trip to rehab. Not to mention a movie she made, LOL, which crashed and burned at the box office.

And then there are her children: Rumer, who doesn’t seem to have a career, unless a career is showing up at nightclub openings and then, well, where do I apply. Scout is the daughter who was arrested for public intoxication and showing a police officer a fake ID.

Then we have recent high school grad, Tallulah, who has photos of her on the internet, topless and smoking a joint.

Now comes word that Demi’s Daughters have cut all ties with their mother because it’s just too hard.

Too hard? Too hard to keep your clothes on and not smoke a joint when cameras are trained on you? Too hard not to get drunk in public? Too hard not to get a job?

 Just sayin’.

Apples don’t fall far from trees.

Finally, some Original Recipe™ news.

Lohan might have gotten a new gig. Maybe. Perhaps. You know, because her career is on a roll, after she finished work on the sure-to-be craptastic, Liz & Dick for Lifetime, and then signed to co-star with porn star, James Deen, in some soft-core nonsense.

Now comes word that she might film a cameo in the latest installment of the Scary Movie franchise….as Crackhead # 1, I’m guessing.

Talk about a ‘scary’ movie.

Sources—and you know it’s Dina, because the box of chardonnay was empty and she had time to talk—says Lindsay met with Bob Weinstein about possibly joining the cast of “Scary Movie 5,” opposite “High School Musical” star Ashley Tisdale.

Whoa, Lohan and Tisdale? This is gonna be so A-list!

More on Lohan and The Porn Star.

James Deen, her porn star co-star had high praise for Lohan. Let’s listen in: “I can definitely, honestly say Lindsay Lohan and I are not having sex!...

Okay, let’s stop. How much of a skank must one be if a porn star brags about not having sex with you? I digress….

“I think I would tell everybody. I don’t know anything about her except for that she’s a really nice, down-to-earth, normal girl. We went to a business dinner and she was very professional. She drank coffee and water.”

She’s a professional because she drank coffee?

Is this James Deen guy like eight, or something? And judging from the picture you know he doesn't get paid for his face.

Just sayin’.

Jessica Biel is one of the biggest stars in Hollywood. Well, actually, she’s engaged to one of the biggest stars in Hollywood, so she’s a star by, um, insertion, I guess.

And she has a big summer planned. A supporting role in Total Recall....maybe maybe she’s not such a big star....and a marriage to Justin Timberlake.

But, here’s where it gets a little, um, gay.

See, Biel fancies herself one of the most stylish women in Hollywood, but that may be thanks to Timberlake. He picks out her clothes, does her hair and makeup, and even designed her engagement ring: “I had no say whatsoever [in the ring]. I don’t micromanage…”

Let’s stop: micromanage is Hollywood-speak for, I don’t ask him why he has that other apartment where he spends four nights a week.

Then she goes on: “He is fearless in his choices and has a real eye for design. And I’ll be honest: He has better taste than I do. When I walk out of the closet….”

Let’s stop again: so that’s the attraction. Closets.

Then she goes on: “…. after getting dressed in the morning, I’ll go like this [turns palms upward as if to say, 'Well?'] And he goes like this [shakes his head no]. Then he picks again. It’s hilarious.”

Hilarious. As in funny. As in happy. As in gay.

Just sayin’.

Howsabout another Mother-Daughter spat?

Madonna and Lourdes.

Seems Lourdes, AKA Lola, wants Mama Madge to stop bashing Lady Gaga during her current tour. Madonna even “covers” part of “Born This Way” in her tour, during a medley which also pointedly features “Express Yourself”.

Lola wants it to stop because, well, she has ALLEGEDLY told her mother: ‘It makes you look like a jealous old fool!’

Oh.No.She.Di’in’t.

No one calls Madonna OLD!!!!!!!!

But then maybe she is old, because she has turned a deaf ear to Lola—Get it? Deaf? Ear? I’ll stop—because jealous of Gaga’s success since her own latest album didn’t do so well.

And it doesn’t help that many people say Lola bears a striking resemblance to Lady Gaga.

What?

Gaga stole more than music licks?
She’s Lola’s real mother???

If you think Katie Holmes didn’t have every right to run, RUN, from her marriage to Tint Tom Cruise, think again.

See, it seems he was very controlling over everything she did, and everywhere she went, and that included little Suri too.

And now the story is that Tom, while maintaining he’s “devastated” over the divorce and how he’s “miserable” without his daughter, is actually mad that he’s being made to look like a Crazy Little Man in the media.

Watching Katie and Suri parade around New York doing unspeakable things like eating ice cream and shopping, has convinced Tommy Grrl that she’s trying to turn the world against him—and his beloved Scientology. And while he likes to come off as the nice guy, quickly settling the divorce, the story is that Tommy’s settlement with Katie allows him to engage in much longer battle for Suri, one away from the public eye.

It seems Tommy will be digging in now for a much longer fight over custody of Suri—like he did with his son and daughter Connor and Isabella—and wind up with even more influence over them.

I mean, he can’t control his wives, so why not control the children?

Sidenote: when asked if he had any advice for Tommy, Howard Stern said: “Stop getting married!”

Love it!