What's This? Nice News??

I admit it takes me longer to gather the Nice Stories these days when Stupid abounds, but here's what's making me smile for a Tuesday:

RAFAEL, ER, TED, UM, KAREN

The other day Senator Ted Karen Cruz  got into a confrontation with employees at Bozeman Yellowstone International Airport which grew so heated that law enforcement had to get involved, a new video showed on Sunday. 

Cruz was spotted at the Montana airport on Sunday, apparently irritated that he had missed his flight and pitched a hissy because he’d missed the check-in window for his flight, and that re-booking options were 'limited out of Bozeman due to Spring Break.' 

As always happens with a Karen, someone was filing the exchange, which shows Cruz vigorously nodding his head in annoyance at the two female employees; he appeared less annoyed when the female employees stepped aside and a single male law enforcement officer took over. 

The person who took the video claims Cruz muttered something along the lines of ‘Don’t you know who I am’ to the police who says he did not know who the Karen was, until after Cruz had walked away.

One thing of note, the Texas Republican who last week claimed pilots and flight attendants regularly “hug “ at airports because of his stance against mask mandates, and who also proudly rode around DC in a big rig during the protest over mandates, was wearing a mask.

Cruz was finally able to leave that evening and all of Montana heaved a sigh of relief.

Oh Karen …

MILA AND ASHTON

Kudos to Mila Kunis and her husband, Ashton Kutcher, for their efforts to help the people of Ukraine during Putin’s attack on that country.

Kunis, a native of Ukraine, and Kutcher have set up a GoFundMe campaign that has so far raised over $35 million toward refugee and humanitarian aid efforts. The couple also pledged $3 million of their own money.

The couple’s GoFundMe is HERE, and then HERE is a list of other ways to help Ukrainian refuges.

KIM DAVIS

A U.S. judge ruled that a former Kentucky Kounty Klerk Kim Davis county knowingly violated the rights of same-sex couples by denying them marriage licenses in 2015, clearing the way for a jury trial seeking damages against her.

Davis thrust herself into the center of the same-sex marriage debate when she refused to issue marriage  licenses to same-sex couples citing the Baby Jeebus as her excuse.

The two couples in the lawsuit— David Ermold and David Moore, and James Yates and Will Smith— had sought to marry in the immediate aftermath of the landmark 2015 U.S. Supreme Court decision Obergefell v. Hodges, and sued Davis claiming she had violated their constitutional rights. Now, with the essential facts in the case now settled, the two couples  can proceed to jury trial to seek damages against Davis as an individual.

We haven’t heard about Bigot Kim in a long time and it’s nice to see that she’s lost her battle and can be sued.

Now, see there? It’s not all Stupids; there’s some fun and nice and well-deserved news in the world today!

I Didn't Say It ...

Mila Kunis, actress and Ukrainian refugee, on The Rump:

“The whole Syrian-refugee thing — we came here on a religious-refugee visa, and I’m not going to blow this country up. I’m clearly paying taxes. I’m not taking anything away. So the fact that people look at what’s happening and are like, ‘Pfft, they’re going to blow sh*t up’? It saddens me how much fear we’ve instilled in ourselves. And going from there to the whole, ‘Hey, let’s build a wall between Los Angeles and Mexico’ … I don’t even have to answer that one. There’s no point. It’s a really great sound bite. And it got him far. Nobody should be mad at him; we did it to ourselves.”

Not we, I’d say; some of ‘we’ might have done this but I will take no responsibility for the Rise Of Rump.

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Chris Mosier, first transgender athlete to appear in ESPN’s special ‘Body’ issue:

“I have wanted to be in the Body Issue for over a year. I think the reason I felt so inspired to do it is that I’m finally at a place where I feel very comfortable with my body. And as a trans person, being in a body that didn’t really fit me for 29 years, now I feel very comfortable in my own skin.”

Progress; and in of all places, a sports magazine.

The march goes on …

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Jude Law, on turning down the role of Superman, when it was offered to him by director Bryan Singer:

“I take the suit into the bathroom and I’m putting it on and I look around and I look in the mirror and suddenly I’m Superman. And the music kind of comes in. Then I have this picture of me in that costume in posters all over the world and I was like, ‘No way!’ And I unzipped it. But I was Superman for two minutes, that was enough.”

I am not really into the superhero movies, but I cannot see Jude Law as Superman.

Seriously. Jude Law?

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Tom McClintock, Teabagging Congressman from California, asking for sanctions against Democrats for that Gun Control Sit-In:

“The Constitution provides that the House may sanction members for disorderly behavior and the members responsible for the events of June 22 and 23 must be called to account for their actions, if we fail to do so we will have replaced the House rules with rules for radicals. [They] shouted down all with whom they disagreed, they blocked access to the microphones as members sought to address the chair and they illegally occupied the hall of the House — forcing an early adjournment and costing this House three full days of legislative deliberations.”

So says the Rightwingnut-Teabagging-Goose-Stepping-In-The-Pocket-Of-The-NRA-Blood-On-His-Hands asshat.

S.T.F.U.

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Alexander Skarsgård, on being flattered by his gay fan-base because he grew up with strong gay role models:

“It’s always been the most natural thing to me because my uncle and godfather is a gay man and so growing up, even as a little toddler, it was just as natural as being straight. My aunt would show up with her husband and my uncle would show up with his husband. He was, by far, out of my father’s four siblings, the most fashionable and the most trendy, cool guy. So, when I was a kid, he was the one I looked up to. I thought he was really badass: fit and awesome and cool, and obviously not because he was gay. When I became a teenager and the kids made fun of other teenagers who were gay, I never really understood that. It just baffled me because my idol, my godfather, was gay, and he was the coolest guy I knew. I just couldn’t understand how that could be an insult.”

When you know better, you do better; and so, when you know a gay person, you tend not to be a homophobe.

The operative word is tend; there are exceptions to every rule.

PS Lord is he hot.

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I Ain't One To Gossip But

Okay, so last week we heard Lindsay Lohan say she was making her stage debut in London’s West End this fall in David Mamet’s Speed-the-Plow.

Yeah, maybe not. Even though Lohan keeps claiming she was hired to do the play there has been no announcement of her being cast in this, or any other, play, nor has there been an news about a Speed-the-Plow revival, and yet that didn't stop Lohan from posting that picture up there, of her standing at the stage door of a West End theater, to Instagram, with the message:

“At work! First day ... Read through.”

Cracktress is lying, y’all. Lohan is actually standing at Her Majesty’s Theatre stage door, where Phantom of the Opera is running … until April of 2015. So, this is not a theater where Speed-the-Plow will open in November, nor was Lohan there doing a reading, even though she carried the big bag with what looks like a script poking out.

Oh England, once again I apologize that you are being subjected, as we were for years, to the Lohan Crazies, though hopefully you’ll come to your senses soon and she’ll find another country in which she can party and tell her “stories.”

Remember when we learned from Kanye West — the horse’s ass himself — that it took four grueling days for him and soon-to-be-ex-wife Kim Kardastrophe to Photoshop their wedding pictures for Instagram after Annie Leibovitz bailed on shooting his wedding a day before the ceremony?

Trouble is, that’s a lie. Kanye had said Leibovitz backed out at the last minute because she was “scared about the idea of celebrity” even though she’s made a career of shooting celebrities …with a camera, y’all, come on! But now Kanye’s walking back his story lie because, well, Annie called him out on it.

Kanye is now saying he would have loved to have Leibovitz photograph his wedding but that a deal couldn’t be reached, which is oh-so-different from “she backed out at the last minute.” And Kanye’s reason for lying? He was, and I quote, “dreaming out loud. Again.”
 

That’s a poetic way of saying I have the biggest ego in the world and I am a liar.

Mariah Carey is all kinds of crazy and seems to have gone even crazier now that her last album, Me. I Am Mariah, tanked.

See, she wants y'all to believe that the massively Photoshopped cover for her latest single, You Don't Know What To Do, was as much a surprise and shock to her as it was to you: 

“That definitely was NOT my selection for the cover… ugh! / Yes, I would love for you to send me your art for #YDKWTD (’cause at this point IDKWTD! lol)”

Seriously? Mimi expects us to think that she was, what, taking care of “dem babies” — as she calls them — when this new Photoshopped Mariah made its appearance? Was she busy sewing sequined gowns down two sizes before she put them? Or, was she preoccupied with stuffing her over-inflated buzzooms into a training bra and cou8ldn't be bothered to okay this mess?

Stop, Mariah, every single album and single cover of yours from the last ten years has been manipulated to make you look thinner and younger and smoother and, well, more Beyoncé.

The jig is up, girl.

Y’all know that Kate Gosselin is the best mother in the world, right? I mean, sure she whored out her children, and her IVF sextuplets until her marriage fell apart, but she just did that because she’s a mom, you know. And when she pimped out her kids again in a recent TLC special it was only because she’s a stay-at-home mom; she doesn’t want you to think she does this for the cash for hair extensions and Botox and dates with her bodyguard, she does this because she’s a single mom just trying to survive:

“Hear me very clearly: If there was another way to singly support eight children, you would not know this name and I would be on an island, and so would they. You would never hear from us again.”

And yet she has never tried to find another way, has she? Nope; it’s about using her children to make a paycheck. She’s the Original Octo-Mom.

JLo dumped Casper’s cheating ass a few weeks back — though, to salvage her image she claims she dumped him months ago, and will probably soon start saying they never dated at all and she has no idea who he is — and now she’s on to another dancer, Dancing with the Stars'’ Maksim Chmerkovskiy.

And yet, both Jell-O and Maksim are denying the hook-up, even though the pair was seen together after JLo’s “show” at Foxwoods Resort Casino in Connecticut where they were quite cuddly at the after party, and dancing in the club later on.

They’re playing down the affair rumors because, well, JLo learned from Casper. She’ll keep this coupling on the down-low because when Maks cheats with a hooker, or some D-list actress he’s paired up with on DWTS — and that could actually be the same person — she can say they never met, never dated, never schtupped.

Savvy, JLo, savvy.

File this under: This Kills Me.

Joan Rivers has a new book, ‘Diary of a Mad Diva.' coming out and the sh*t is already flying. In the book, as Joan does, she makes fun of a lot of people, mostly celebrities, and one, Best Wooden Actress™ winner, Kristen Stewart is ALLEGEDLY not happy about her role in the book after Joan ALLEGEDLY said this about the Twilight actress:

“Many stars only do one thing well. Of course, the best one-trick-pony is Kristen Stewart, who got a whole career by being able to juggle a director’s balls.”

Apparently Kristen’s attorneys contacted Joan and the publisher and threatened to sue for defamation even though the prologue of the book makes it clear it is nothing but jokes, not facts, even if some of the jokes are based on facts ... like the time Kristen Stewart had an affair with a married director and ruined his marriage.

Oh, color me sad.

After just one year on The View it appears that resident blond bobblehead, Jenny McCarthy — not to be confused with black bobblehead Sherri Shepherd — is apparently on her way out.

A source — and it could be anyone from Star Jones, angling for her seat back at the table, or Elizabeth Hasselbeck, still pissed that she was pushed out — claims that Jenny didn’t appeal to daytime TV viewers because she’s an illiterate twit … or something.

Ratings have dipped since McCarthy came on-board; The View is down by about 5% when compared with last year, but CBS’ View knock-off, The Talk, is up 19% so Babs Walters needed to bump off the old and bring in some new.

Who can fill Crazy’s chair? Courtney Love? Gwyneth Paltrow—though she might spend the entire show hawking her $2,000 GOOP T’s. I suggest a potted plant to take the seat because at least it would make more sense than McCarthy. Then work on getting Sherri outta there, too.

UPDATE: She's out, and Sherri, too. Good. Bye.

Meanwhile, back at Kanye …

Remember when he beat up the paparazzi outside LAX last year? Well, now he’s paying for it, because he was just sentenced to Celebrity Special Treatment Community Service, AKA The Lohan Effect, by LA County Courts.

Kanye took a plea in the case and agreed to attend anger management therapy and complete 250 hours of community service. Now, while Joe, or Jane, Public would be picking up trash along the 405 while wearing an orange jumpsuit, Kanye’s community service requires that he visit LA Trade Technical College, a community college that focuses on fashion design, and talk about fashion to the students.

Celebrities! They’re just like us!

Mila Kunis is pregnant with serial schtupper Ashton Kutcher’s demon spawn and sometimes she’s in a good mood, and sometimes not.

Recently she gave an interview to Marie Claire where she talked all about her pregnancy and was funny and fresh and, well, even for Kunis, interesting. She talked about pregnancy boobs, how her vagina was gonna be wrecked and how she won’t let Ashton watch any of that happening. Then, she gave a phone interview and was all kinds of rude, raging bitch. I mean, who does she think she is, Demi Moore? Demi 2.0?

When the interviewer asked how she was feeling, being pregnant and all, Kunis snapped:

“I don’t talk about that for publication.”

Unless it’s A Vagina Dialogue for Marie Claire?

And she became even ruder, telling the interviewer that his questions were mundane, that she knew what his next question would be because he’s not very good at his job. That he asked questions she’s answered hundreds of times before.

Here’s a hint, Mila. Stop doing interviews if you’re too much of a bitch to be polite.

I loathe Katherine Heigl. She was, ALLEGEDLY, a big star on a hit TV show but then thought she was too good for that and broke her contract to make movies. She made one, maybe two, that were successful and then people realized she has no talent and so, naturally, she's gone back to TV where she’s starring in a new show, State of Affairs, which she described as like Scandal — which I won’t watch because, well, Scandal, is still on and is quite possibly about a thousand times better. Try as she might, Katherine Heigl will never be Kerry Washington, m’kay?

Still, Heigl does have a giant ego, though she prefers to have her mama act the bitch for her. See, she ALLEGEDLY flipped her wig because her name was spelled wrong on her dressing room door and so she called on her mother to scream at someone and get the bad speller fired. Funny thing is, though, it wasn’t just Heigl that was wrong, and the story goes like this …

“It’s Katherine with a K! I’m the star and they can’t even get my name right? Are you f*ing kidding me?!” bellowed Katherine Heigl who came onset and saw the door marked “Catherine Heigle.”

Catherine, er, Katherine phoned her momager Nancy and demanded she find out the culprit and it was discovered that the mistake was made by a new assistant director, who is now looking for a new job. Now, I know it’d be annoying to have your name spelled wrong, but, c’mon, it’s Catherine Heigle; why not just ask that it be corrected. Or maybe the producers will start looking for someone actually named Catherine Heigle who might be a better actress.

Might; that’s funny, because my cat’s a better actress. 

I Ain't One To Gossip But ....

Color me surprised! Okay, I kid.

But it was announced this week that longtime lesbian couple, Bruce and Kris Jenner are separating and that their separation will, naturally, be played out over the course of the E! reality drama comedy series, Keeping Up With The Kardastropes.

It wasn’t a very well-kept secret, though. Um, Bruce moved out of their lesbian love-nest and bought a home in Malibu, you know, a kind of man cave … in another zip code. 

And Khloe Kardastrophe, herself ready to divorce her husband, basically confirmed the split over the summer. But there were details to iron out, like royalties from the TV show and whether Kris gets to whore out the two children she had with Bruce like the porn-tape hustling she did to make Kim Kash Kow a big-assed commodity.

Bruce is said to be consoling himself and mending his broken heart on the golf course, while Kris is said to be in seclusion in Mexico with Girls Gone Wild porn producer Joe Francis.

And that part is true.

PS There is said to be no talk of divorce and i wondered why. Then I heard there is no pre-nup and Bruce would be entitled to half of all that Kardastrophe money and i realized that's why they won't divorce. Kris will never give up cash.

I used to like Bethenny Frankel when she was on The Real Housewives of New York. Single snarky gal about town, much like myself, except for the single and gal parts, I guess.

But then she left that show and became Bethenny Getting Knocked Up and Bethenny And Her Shotgun Wedding and Bethenny The Forever Fairy Tale which all morphed into Bethenny Hates her Husband And Is Getting Divorced.

You gotta love reality TV.

And their divorce is getting ugly, with Bethenny and soon-to-be ex-hubby, Jason Hoppy, taking digs at each other. They stayed together living in the same apartment even after the marriage shriveled up and died, or their TV show was cancelled; who knows which came first.

And now Bethenny, who played out her romance, her pregnancy, her giving birth, getting married, being a mommy, creating an empire, on TV for all to see with her one true love is now coming out and saying to anyone who’ll listen — and she has a talk show in which she spews her venom … thanks Ellen — that Hoppy was never the love of her life.

Can’t wait for her daughter to grow up and learn that she’s the product of Mommy and Mommy’s second choice third choice.

Britney Spears has been working her ALLEGED sexy mom ass off by rehearsing for her Vegas gig up to five whole hours each day.

She is going to bring it, y’all. And bring it, sing it, live. I giggle, but that’s what she says.

“I’m definitely going to be singing live. I always sing live … It doesn’t sound so great all the time, but I do my best.”

One lie, followed by one half-truth.

She doesn’t always sing live because we’ve all seen the videos of the worst lip-sync ever, and, yes, she does sound awful when she does sing live. And i bet if she could lip-sync her dancing shed do that too.

These Vegas shows are gonna crash and burn quicker than a Tom Cruise marriage.

I remember when little South West, er, Due west, er, north! North West! was born and all the Kash Kow and her psycho baby daddy could talk about was how they weren’t gonna pimp the child out. No appearances on Keeping Up With The Kardastrophes ever!

But then Kanye appeared on Kris Jenner’s cancelled-thank-god talk show — possibly because Kris has that ALLEGED gay sex tape in her safe — and he brought along a little picture of Due South North.

Pimpin’ her out.

And now Kim has taken to posting pictures of the kid on Instagram, you know, as a proud mama, not because she’s trying to stir up interest in a photo spread in People or something, even though the K’s are holding out for Vanity Fair.

Like that would ever happen!

Justin Timberlake made another movie and it bombed. Like all the other movies he’s in where his name is above the title. Someone should tell him to take bit parts or just stay out of the movies all together, but I digress.

His latest film, Runner, Runner, is a craptastic mess on a Lohan scale of Liz & Dick, earning barely $7 million in its first week. Now, to be fair, and y’all know I’m fair … I am, dammit … there’s all kinds of blame to go around, like to Ben Affleck, hoping to parlay Argo into something but getting NoGo instead.

Now even that venerable Hollywood trade paper, Variety, has a piece on JT in which they lay it all out there, saying something along the lines of: Justin? Just stop with the movies already!

From Ramin Setoodeh’s piece:

“Timberlake’s “Runner Runner” was a spectacular box office flop. The gambling drama only eked out $7.6 million in its opening weekend, despite the casting of Ben Affleck, post-“Argo,” as a slimy casino boss.

There are plenty of reasons for “Runner Runner’s” failure. The reviews were awful, and Timberlake (at 32!) is hardly plausible as a brainy Princeton graduate student trapped in an illegal Costa Rica gambling scheme.

Timberlake, who is meant to anchor “Runner Runner,” struggles with most of the screenplay’s cheesy dialogue. In other scenes, he comes across like a lost celebrity hosting “Saturday Night Live” who can’t find the teleprompter. …. He will never be a movie star, and it’s a mystery why he took such a long hiatus from music to appear in so many movies. Now that he has a hit new album, “The 20/20 Experience,” it might be a good idea for Timberlake to give up acting.”

From your pen to God’s ears.

So, Demi Moore, the not-quite-yet ex-Missus Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis the not-quite-yet current Missus Ashton Kutcher, have a lot in common, though one could be the mother of the other one.

Is that why Ashton is with Mila after dumping Demi? The same dark hair, large, wide-set eyes, the kind-of-olive skin color? Is that Ashton’s type and he just went for a newer version?

Well, now it seems that might be true because Demi thinks Mila is trying to SINGLE-White-Female her! And in her own clothes?

A source — and you know it’s one of Demi’s daughters, maybe the one whose boyfriend dumped her so he could date Mama, then dumped Mama so she could date his Papa — says, “When Demi and Ashton separated in 2011, he accidentally grabbed some her clothes when he moved out. Mila happened to find them in Ashton’s stuff and loved them. Demi randomly saw photos of Mila online one day and she recognized the shirt she was wearing as hers! ShE was in complete shock!"

Is this true? I mean, I could see Ashton ”accidentally” grabbing some of Demi’s schemata because he wanted a little something to cling to, but I can’t really see Mila finding the clothes and saying, Hmm, I can wear this.

And why would Mila SWF Demi. I mean, she got the, well, so-called, prize. If anyone was gonna SWF someone it’d be Grandma Moore going after nubile Mila. But then again ... Demi is STILL Missus Kutcher and Mila is STILL the grifriend, so ...

And then there’s Ashton’s other type; blond girls in hot tubs.

I Ain't One To Gossip But ....

JLo. She seemingly has it all: the kids, the career, the fabulous wardrobe, the decade’s younger boyfriend she can ride like a rodeo clown … TMI? Sorry, moving on …. But one thing she has that I never knew about was a problem sleeping alone. Now, I don’t mean sleeping alone as in ride ‘em like a rodeo clown, climb down, and fall asleep. I mean, she ALLEGEDLY cannot sleep in her bed alone, and after she puts Casper and the kids down for the night, La Lopez crawls into bed with her assistant. Yes, apparently JLo makes her female assistant sleep in the same bed with her—no funny business, mind you—it’s just that Lopez likes the company.

An inside source—and you know it’s Casper looking for extra scratch when he spends all his allowance—says, “It has nothing to do with sex. When Jennifer and her ex Marc Anthony were traveling all over South America taping for their 2012 show ‘Q’Viva, Casper often didn’t accompany her—and when he wasn’t around, she’d ask her female cousin/assistant, Tiana, to spend the next right next to her because ‘I just get so lonely in bed!’”

Perhaps that’s the root of all her issues, but it also begs the question: how does one share a bed with JLo’s California King-sized ass?

Well, Conrad Murray is currently behind bars because he was found guilty of giving drug addict Michael Jackson the drugs that killed him.

But there is another court case involving Jackson that is still ongoing. Jackson’s family is suing concert promotion company AEG saying they hired Murray to be Jackson’s doctor so they basically killed him, too.

Whatevs. The real story is some of the :::cough cough::: testimony going on in that courtroom. See, AEG Live CEO Randy Phillips says he has proof that Jackson’s death was an accident because he, pay attention now, he, Randy Phillips, spoke with Lionel Richie’s ex-wife, Brenda Harvey claimed that her psychic says Jackson’s ghost came to see her and told her that his death was an accident.

This is testimony.

Many in the court burst into laughter, but Judge Yvette Palazuelos let the testimony stand; meaning the jury will have to consider that a ghost told a psychic who told her friend who told this CEO that Jackson’s death was accidental.

Oy.

One would have thought that Charlie Sheen had learned his lesson after warring with Chuck Lorre on the 2.5 Men set and finding his ass fired, but crackheads never really learn.

And sometimes they win.

Sheen is still ALLEGEDLY incensed that Ashton Kutcher took over the 2.5 Men lead, and is also dating Mila Kunis. See, back when Charlie was full-on-in-your-0face crazy, and hiring a team of “goddesses” to help him, he wondered aloud about Mila Kunis taking on the role. She didn’t, and then she began dating his arch nemesis, Kutcher.

Well, Charlie is like a dog with a bone, or a crackhead with a pipe, and will not let go of the idea of getting Mila Kunis. You see, Charlie wants Mila to take over Selma Blair’s role in “Anger Management” and, in trying to arrange it, he had Blair fired because she had the nerve to complain that the porn-and-drug-addicted asshat was late and stuff to work.

So, bam, Blair’s out and Charlie is waving around a $10 million paycheck for Kunis who, like most of America if Anger Management’s downward ratings indicate, isn’t listening.

So, on the heels of Lohan’s exit from the Betty Ford Center for a more serene and spa-like Malibu rehab, Charlie Sheen’s ex, Brooke Mueller is also leaving the BFC.

Apparently Brooke, undergoing her twenty-something attempt, followed by a twenty-something failure, at rehab did not like the fact that she had to do chores at Betty Ford so she left without a word.

An insider—and who’s more inside at rehab than Lohan—says, “Brooke didn’t tell anyone, including her lawyer, that she had left Betty Ford. [She] hated Betty Ford because she was required to do daily chores, which she resented. She complained that Betty Ford was just too hard. Betty Ford is hardcore and Brooke just doesn’t respond well in situations where she can’t call the shots.”

But, her abrupt move to leave the facility and head to an easier rehab in San Juan Capistrano just might be the death knell in her bid to get her children—twin sons of Charlie Sheen—back from another Sheen ex, Denise Richards.

Lohan, er, the source, says, “This could have a serious impact on Brooke’s bid to get custody of the twins. Brooke just doesn’t seem to be taking get sober that seriously. Her doctors at Betty Ford advised her not to leave, but she did anyway. Her counselors will be submitting an extensive report about Brooke’s time at Betty Ford and it won’t be glowing, that is for sure.”

Happily, the chances are low that Brooke Mueller will ever have primary custody of her sons; sadly, it seems that the boys won’t grow up with either of the parents—who have yet to grow up themselves—and may find that they will be Denise Richard’s boys now.

Oh, it wouldn’t be gossip without Lohan—even if Lindsay is still in rehab lockdown.

It’s been just over a week since Lindsay paid off asked a judge to let her out of the Betty Ford Clinic and into a celebrity-friendly rehab in Malibu because it’s summer and the parties are in Malibu, so, yeah, Lindsay + Malibu – rehab = arrests. I’m guessing.

Except now she’s not happy in Malibu and wants to make this The Lindsay Lohan Rehab World Tour, Part One—because, bitches, you know there’s gonna be a sequel.

Lindsay wants to transfer again, and head to the east coast where maybe she and mama Dina can share a room because how Dina has escaped rehab all these years is amazing. But, Lindsay says she wants to go east because it’s easier for family to see her, and rehab is all about visits from home, not getting your issues dealt with and trying yet another stab at sobriety.

So, let’s get this straight, or queer, or whatever: Lohan was ordered to Morningside Clinic by the judge, and she did go; I mean, she sat in her car in the driveway and left without entering, but she was there. Then she went to Betty Ford and apparently kicked a nurse—I’m kidding, maybe—because they refused to let her continue taking Adderall. And so she hustled her way of the BFC and into Malibu, where she thought she could keep her prescriptions until they said ‘No’ and now she wants out again.

Yeah, this’ll turn out great.

And what would a week be without a visit from Little Miss Justine Bieber.

He’s such a rock star, you know, and as rocks stars are apt to do, he took to partying it up Big Boy style while staying at an upscale hotel in New York City.

It seems Miss Justine was ready to get down with her bad self, and called downstairs for some extra special goodie bags for the festivities. An inside—and it could be anyone because, other than prepubescent girls and Lesbians, no one likes The Biebs—says, “He asked for more intimacy kits with condoms. He always requests condoms…and jelly beans!”

Condoms and Jelly Beans.

I can’t with that; it says it all. I can picture Justine and her BFFs sitting around the hotel filling condoms with jelly beans so they can have party favors on the bus.

Poor Miss Thang.

A little more on Mila Kunis, although it’s never really about Kunis, it’s about the men who want a piece of Kunis. And this time it’s one Russell Brand—who, we learned this week, asked Katy Perry for a divorce via a text message … shades of Berger’s Post-It note break-up with Carrie on Sex and The City­—who wants some Mila for himself. 

But Brand lost out, too, like Charlie Sheen, though the big difference is, Charlie lost Mila to Ashton, while Russell lost Mila to … wait for it … Macaulay Culkin. I.Know!

It seems Brand was filming with Mila Kunis when he tried to charm her into becoming one of his conquests—the looks-like-he-doesn’t-bathe comedian is ALLEGEDLY a sex addict—and she said, ‘No.’ Cuz she was dating that kid from Home Alone. That has got to hurt, you know?

Russell Brand:  “She’s so gorgeous, just so gorgeous and I was chatting her up and got the conversation around to have you got a boyfriend, and then you know that feeling of how long do I have to entertain a conversation? Then I go away and she keeps talking about her boyfriend Mac, this is when I was on Sarah Marshall. Eventually she said he’s coming tomorrow and there was some sort of fanfare, she was so excited. Then when he came it wasn’t Mac – it was Macaulay Culkin. He’d got longer and looked pale and scared of himself, like a shaved horse. There was a horror about him and I thought, ‘you can’t f**k him – that’s the lad from Home Alone’.”

But that begs the question: which is worse? F**king the kid from Home Alone or f**king Russell Brand.

Discuss.

And since we started with JLo, let's end with JLo at the ceremony for receiving her star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.

I'm'a keep this simple:

Girl looks older than Casper's mama.

Girl couldn't find a decent pair of shoes?

Girl couldn't get a dress that wasn't wrinkled?

Girl gets a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame?

Who'd she bang for that?