It's Snarkurday!

Remember Mischa Barton? Me neither, but apparently she was a big deal back in the 90s for, literally, a minute.

Nowadays she’s a big deal in courtroom. Last March Barton ran afoul of the law, though not for the usual celebrity mess, but because she has crashed a rented U-Haul into the side of a West Hollywood apartment complex and the homeowner’s association sued her for $27,000 in damages. Well, now it looks like U-Haul wants some coins, too, because they are hauling—see what I did there—Mischa to court over the damages to their vehicle.

Here’s the details on the crash: after running their rented truck into a building Barton and her boyfriend, her now ex-boyfriend whom she has accused of stalking her, Adam Spaw, fled the scene, leaving the truck and all of their belongings inside.

They then denied they crashed the U-Haul into the building—even though there is video evidence—and ran because …because …yeah, there is no because. So, U-Haul took possession of everything in the truck and put it in storage. Mischa then tried to claim her items that she abandoned in the truck that she crashed, and U-Haul is saying they’re gonna sell all her stuff—and I imagine it’s a boatload of bad fashion choices and empty baggies—unless she pays the damages to their truck, to the tune of $5,827.65.

I can’t imagine Mischa Barton shiz is worth more than $58.27.

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In Kanye’s West’s book, declaring slavery a choice and writing a song about boning your wife’s sisters are just fine. But other guys talking about boning your wife is not.

This week Kanye took on the ex-mister Mariah Carey, Nick Cannon, Drake and Tyson Beckford. Kanye is pissed about Nick’s recent interview with where he talked about dating Kim Kardastrophe pre-plastic surgery—Kim must have been four if it was before the surgeries—and how she hated what she called her “Armenian nose” and how the body image obsessed Kim of today is the result of all that mess.

So, Kanye went off on Nick in a Twitter thread that lasted longer than his stay in the mental hospital about how out of line Nick is behaving. But he didn’t stop there because, well, he’s Kanye and what’s an epic rant for no reason at all?

He told Drake to quit making people think he boned Kim in his latest song. And then he goes after Tyson Beckford for saying that Kim’s hips are off-kilter due to a botched surgery.

Seriously. Kanye might as well give up his career if he’s gonna take time to go after anyone who picks on his wife because there are literally millions of us out here.

I’ll wait …

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And because a good cat-fight between men with tiny … egos …is fun, Nick “Turban” Cannon has responded:

“I got nothing but love for you, but you know I’ll always speak my mind, just like you always speak yours… Not you, not NBC, no corporate infrastructures, no one is ever gonna control what I say because I speak truth always, it’s love.”

Wait! Did NBC come for Kim too, or is Nick Cannon just a moron?

That’s a rhetorical question.

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Oh Justin Theroux. He’s gone all Gwyneth Paltrow in discussing his break-up with America’s Sweetheart, the eternally heartbroken and ever-pregnant, Jennifer Aniston. To be fair, he didn’t say he and Jen had “consciously uncoupled,” but he put it like this …a “gentle separation”:

“The good news is that was probably the most—I’m choosing my words really carefully—it was kind of the most gentle separation, in that there was no animosity. In a weird way, just sort of navigating the inevitable perception of it is the exhausting part.”

And then he kumbaya’d something about acting being “kind of a carny lifestyle” of frequent separations that don’t “have that seismic shift of an ordinary couple, where everything is, like, you have to tear a baby in half.”

Um, okay? But what about the pre-nup? I mean Jen is still rolling in those Friends coins.

How gentle will it be for her to separate from her bank account?

To be fair, I don’t really care, and there isn’t much story here, but I’ll take whatever I can get to post a shot of Justin jogging. I’m shallow like that.

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Beyoncé’s former drummer, Kimberly Thompson, has some tea on the ALLEGED queen … she says Bey has cast a spell upon her.

And, in fact, Kimberly, who says she was with the band for seven years, tried to obtain a restraining order against Bey for various reasons.She ALLEGES Beyoncé started a campaign of harassment against her, that includes “Extreme witchcraft, Dark magic” and “Magic spells of sexual molestation”; she also ALLEGES that Beyoncé has been taping her phone conversations, taken control of her finances, and murdered her kitten.

Yes, she did.

The judge denied Kimberly’s request and also chose not to lock her ass up.

But could it be true? Is Beyoncé a witch? Think on this: have you seen that clip from the Destiny’s Child day where Kelly Rowlands called herself the group’s “second lead vocalist?” Well, Beyoncé heard that and that’s why you haven’t seen Kelly on a chart since she sang back-up for Nelly in 2002.

Just sayin’.

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I Ain't One To Gossip But ....

Lots of Beyoncé today so let’s rip … most folks believe Beyoncé thrives on hatin' the Kardastrophes, though I personally thinks the amount of time that she spends thinking about them is equal to the amount of time she spends thinking about me … okay, maybe she thinks about me more.

But then this happened and, well, I guess if Beyoncé didn’t hate Kim Kardastrophe-West before, she might now. See, KashKowKardastrophe-West took time out from taking photos of her ass and her baby and her ass of a husband to appear on Jimmy Kimmel and throw some butt-sized shade at Beyoncé for not coming to her pre-divorce ceremony:

“The worst was someone canceling last minute.”

And folks are saying the dig was planned, not accidental, like everything in KKK-W’s life. From the stores to the ass to the family to the marriages to the divorces to the babies. Planned. But don’t plan on Beyoncé ever being nice to you; just keep stroking your hair and saying ‘Oh my god’ while your face doesn’t move.

We don’t get a lot of gossip from the news world, unless it’s Shepard Smith acting like an entitled gay douche in a bar; or NBC trying to lay the blame of their crumbling ratings at the size ten heels of Ann Curry. But now we have some newsroom gossip, and once again it’s about NBC and how they handle change, er, firing people.

We’ve been hearing rumblings for a while now that David Gregory was being pushed out of Meet the Press after six years due to, of course, sagging ratings and, well, he’s no Tim Russert — for whom Gregory took over when Russert passed away in 2008.

The new host will be… Chuck Todd … another old white guy in a news chair,        AKA the status quo. But the surprising details about Gregory’s ouster is that he was paid $4 million to leave — as opposed to, say, me, who usually gets a restraining order when being asked to leave a job — and he was forced to  sign a contract not to speak out against the network.

Wow. What might Gregory have said about NBC that caused them to pay off his salary plus a great bit extra and demand that he never ever say a bad word about the network?

Perhaps, like Curry, he might have complained that he was one of the last to know that he was leaving for good. See, NBC leaked the story about Todd coming aboard MTP before even talking with Gregory; like they did Ann Curry.

In fact, NBC is having Andrea Mitchell host this week’s show — which would have been Gregory’s last — denying him a chance to even talk about leaving, bid a fond farewell, pass the baton to Todd or, do what I might do, throw a can of gasoline on the set and burn the mother**ker down.

Let’s dish Lohan … Lindsay is back in London after partying on yachts during her European vacation from not having a job and is set to start rehearsals for Speed-the-Plow next week. So, in advance of what’s sure to be the hottest ticket in the West End for the hottest mess in the West End, Lohan gave one of her cracked-out interviews…

On why she moved to London: “I wasn’t used to for a long time hearing my name on the television every second, whenever I turned on the TV it was promoting the OWN show and it was just a lot and it was kind of overwhelming and everyone knew where I lived. I moved to New York to find peace and I wanted to do something very real and show people who I am and because it’s a reality show it had to be done a certain way, and things had to look a certain way for ratings. That wasn’t my intention of moving to New York. I again got overwhelmed with that and wanted to get away for a minute and I came to London.”

Funny, it wasn’t her intention of moving to New York to do a reality show but it was the exact reason she moved there. And that “to find peace” bit; on a reality show, filmed in New York, where everyone knows where you live? Still cray cray Lohan.

On taking responsibility: “I think a lot of people have a misconception of me due to situations I put myself in, things that have been made up about me or manifested and I got into this to be an actress and you know I like to create, to write, I eventually want to direct. I lost a lot of that credibility and I take responsibility for some of it but it’s also an industry where it’s celebrity based and I have been made out to be something like that and I don’t want to be known for that, that’s not why I did this.”

Um, I’m’a need my Google ‘Looney-Toons to English’ translator for this one. I mean, that wasn’t Lindsay at all the clubs? Lindsay at all the jails? Lindsay in all those courtrooms? Mugshots? That’s all Hollywood’s fault because, you know, they made her a drug addict and a thief and an alcoholic.

It’s the same old Lindsay; she’s an actress, y’all, and that’s all she ever wanted to be until the media got hold of her and turned her into a drug-taking-booze-slurping-car-crashing-bar-fighting-man-whoring moron.

Just sayin’.

So, last week we learned that Gwyneth Paltrow was boning one of the creators of Glee before she actually consciously uncoupled from baby daddy Chris Martin. And now I realize why that story got out … to take some shine away from the news that Mr. Gwyneth Paltrow is now dating Jennifer Lawrence.

Yup, he went from shagging a woman who “won” an Oscar because Harvey Weinstein bought it for her, to a woman who’s been nominated more times than Paltrow has children — and is a decade-and-a-half younger — and actually won an Oscar as Best Actress not Best supporting Actress.

Plus, can you picture Gwyneth’s face when she finds out Chris and JLaw took Peaches and Herb, er, Moses and Apple, to Chuck E. Cheese?

I wanna be there when that explosion happens.

Meanwhile … back at Beyoncé: Remember that video of Beyoncé’s incredibly folding stomach when she was pregnant? And remember how, way before that, one week she was on-stage singing in a taut glitter swimsuit and the next week she was wearing a caftan to the VMA’s and holding her stomach to announce she was pregnant? And remember how people said she was never really pregnant?

Well, a woman named Tina Seals has filed a maternity suit against the Carters claiming that she is the real mother of Blue Ivy.

Here goes … and take this with a grain of crazy … but Tina Seals is seeking “to verify whether she is the biological mother” of Blue Ivy by saying she was “previously associated” in some way with “Beyoncé Knowles and Jay Z Carter.”

It’s pretty rare for a woman to file a maternity lawsuit, but it may just prove that Bey-Jay are just giant liars. But there is another theory: perhaps Seals and Jay Z had an affair, she got pregnant, and then gave the baby up for adoption to the Carters, only now she wants the baby, or a bigger piece of the pie.

Still, while this could be just a hot mess of a lie and some poor crazy woman lost in her delusions, coming amidst all the talk of the JayBey split, this is interesting at least.

And speaking of the JayBey split … Us Weekly has now jumped on that bandwagon because, A] the story is true, or 2] the story sells a butt-load of magazines. 

See, Us is saying Beyoncé is already making moves toward a split, and a source, perhaps a pissed off Kardastrophe, says “she is done” after their remaining On The Run shows in Paris.

And while Beyoncé still posts Happy Family Time photos to Instagram the rumors aren’t dying and maybe she’s beginning to believe the rumors about Jay Z’s cheating that came to a head during The Elevator Smackdown.

Beyoncé is reportedly “insecure” about Jay’s “wandering eye” and has taken to removing from his sight, and hers, anyone who might be his “type”: you know, a woman.

On a side note, one of the side pieces often mentioned in the Jay Z Cheating Scandal is none other than Rihanna and, while watching the Fashion Police last week, during a segment they call “Bitch Stole My look” the competitors were none other than Beyoncé and Rihanna … in the same look. 

The only difference was, Rihanna wore the look last year and Beyoncé, who has a team of spacklers and painters and cinchers on speed dial wore the look this year, and styled it exactly like Rihanna, down to using the exact same jewelry, wore it last month.

Uh huh.

And back to Paltrow … Jerry Seinfeld made a mint off his TV show; so much so that he buys cars and Hampton’s manses like their PayLess shoes during a BoGo sale. But, maybe Seinfeld is running low on funds because his wife, Jessica, seems to have taken a job as Gwyneth Paltrow’s ass-kissing, promotional director.

I mean, how else can we explain why Jessica Seinfeld would post a picture of her BFF Gwyneth Paltrow to Instagram with the following caption?

“I have never met anyone with more true and loyal best friends than this baby girl. She is deeply and intensely loved by her friends. I hope each of you has someone in your life that is a wise and steady North Star like this one is to so many…Why not tag those people in your life who kill it in the friendship department? It’s Show Appreciation Sunday. (I made that up).”

Wow. Jerry and Jessica must really need the money if they’ve taken to being placed on Paltrow’s every-day-millionaire-mom payroll just to Instagram ass-kissing tributes.

Everyone knows Britney Spears doesn’t sing live; hell, she can’t sing, live or otherwise. But this story is especially high-larious because during a recent performance at her Vegas show, BritBrit was caught on camera lip-syncing to a song she recorded with Sia … only she was “singing” Sia’s parts … with Sia’s voice coming out over the sound system.

Um, Brit, if you’re gonna lip-sync, try doing it during the part of the song where you're ALLEGEDLY singing and not during someone else’s part.

M’kay?

Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon have been married for six years. We know that because every year they marry one another all over again in some splashy way to remind us all that their marriage is perfect and …

Over? They didn’t marry each other again this year. In fact, they haven’t been seen in public together since February and now comes word that they have been “living separately” after she hired security to keep him away from other women when he was out doing his little comedy act.

Mimi, always posing on social media with her family has been unusually quiet of late; in fact she hasn’t featured Nick on any of her sites since June, when Nick moved in with his grandparents and they put their $13 million California home on the market.

Community property say what?

UPDATE: Yesterday Nick confirmed that he and Mimi are no-no together.

Mischa Barton is desperate for a job, but apparently the only job she’s qualified for is to be Lindsay Lohan.

Last March, Mischa was supposed to start production on a movie called Promoted, and well before the start date, the producers tried to contact her to let her know that shooting was going to begin and to set up a round of costume fittings.

:::crickets:::

Mischa never called back, and the day before shooting was supposed to start, Mischa's momage emailed the producers to tell them that Mischa was ill in Europe and wouldn’t be able to start working on the movie until the end of the month except …

Mischa began posting pictures to Twitter and Instagram of her partying in Europe and not being ill in Europe and now, because the producers unbelievably gave Barton a $20,000 advance and she faked being sick, they’re suing her for the money back along with $200,000 in marketing expenses and another $100,000 they lost when she dropped out.

Wow. She’s trying to Out-Lohan Lohan.

So, Charlie Sheen’s drug-addict ex-wife, the twenty-seven-time rehabber, Brooke Mueller is being sued by her former assistant Lior Masaphor, who worked for her from December 2012 until March, 2013. He claims was paid $2,400 per month, but that he worked over 130 hours a week — which works out to about $4 an hour — and was never given a break — even while she was in rehab, I presume — and is owed a bunch of cash money.

That isn’t the story; the story is the “illegal and unsavory activities” he claims to have performed for Brooke, such as Brooke forcing Lior to act as a drug mule, forcing him to transport illegal drugs for her, forcing him to watch her children so Brooke could get high, and forcing him to watch her have sex with just about anybody and everybody.

This has been another edition of Gay Folks Can’t Have Kids, But Drug Addicts and Whores Can Have All The Children They Want.

Meanwhile … back at Lohan.

On the eve of her first real job in years — whatever happened to that movie she was hired to make at the end of her reality show … poof — Lindsay decided to go out and party … quelle surprise … at 1Oak in Southampton.

The big surprise came when Lindsay tried to pay the $2500 tab and her credit cards were declined.

What? No job? No credit? No problem?

No problem because Lindsay had to beg her fiends to help with the bill, had to lift up cushions in the booths for change, and may have turned a trick or two in the loo to leave a tip.

ALLEGEDLY.

I Ain't One To Gossip But ....

Since last week, and the weekend, were all about Oscar, and Lindsay Lohan will probably never attend, much less win one, she had her own dramas to create.

I didn’t know that Lohan sued rapper Pitbull in 2011, because one of his, um, songs—‘Give Me Everything’—contained the line: “Hustlers move aside, so I’m tiptoein’, to keep flowin’/I got it locked up like Lindsay Lohan.” 

Yeah, that made her bad because, well, the truth hurts, and so she sued. She thought he might throw some money at her—or at least leave it on the nightstand—like the folks at e*Trade did when she sued them, but Pitbull wasn’t playing. He even invited her to be his date to the VMAs, and kept fighting her in court.

Lohan claims Pitbull never got permission to use her name, and so he owes her big money because she needs big money, but last week a New York federal judge sided with Pitbull, saying the song is a work of art protected by the 1st Amendment and noting that Lindsay’s barely even mentioned.

Like her career, it’s almost nonexistent.

Well, The Mole and her husband of fourteen years are ALLEGEDLY over. See, rumor has it that Cindy Crawford and Rande Gerber are divorcing and that Cindy has gone all Demi Moore of late, ALLEGEDLY getting drunk and acting like a fool at a recent swanky hotel event, by telling anyone and everyone, “My marriage is over!”

And she continues Demi-ing, by ALLEGEDLY draping her drunken body all over twenty-something Terraplane Sun guitarist, Johnny Zambetti. And then it got worse. According to fellow partiers, Cindy went dirty dancing with Brody Jenner in a vain attempt to get back at Rande for cheating on her over the course of their marriage. Worse of all, is that her husband was right there, at the party, while she drunkenly played the part of aging model on a bender.

Crawford’s people, while acknowledging that Cindy and Rande were at that party, say the couple is still “very happily married,” but Lyle Riddle, Terraplane Sun’s drummer, tells a different story. According to him, Cindy “was drinking wine, beer and cocktails, and she seemed very intoxicated.”

Not exactly model behavior. Or even Mom behavior.

Now, for more desperate Lindsay.

See, because she gets no work, and because she has no money, and because the IRS is still after her, the National Enquirer—I know, but they were right about the John Edwards affair—says Lindsay has taken to drunk dialing her former friends and asking for a handout.

A source—and you know it’s Dina, whose house is nearing foreclosure and could use some Lohan help—says, “Her legal bills alone could buy a small country, and no one is safe. Wilmer Valderrama, Samantha Ronson, Stavros Niarchos and Jared Leto have all been targeted by Lindsay. She’s also calling in favors from Paris Hilton, Kim Kardashian, Nicole Richie and others. Problem is, she smells of desperation and almost everyone is running.”

I thought she smelled of booze and ciggies.

Most of her old ‘friends’ have blocked Lohan Calls, but, along with drug-addled Charlie Sheen, rumor has it that her old pal Ashton Kutcher is also giving support; along with three Middle Eastern “sugar daddies” who pay for her to come to their, um, parties.

And still she doesn’t have enough money to move out of Dina’s house, to pay for a dress to wear—and then cut up—and to foot her own tab at every club in Manhattan.

She must be a really bad hooker.

Let's say, for arguments sake, you’re one of the :::cough cough:::: hottest actresses in Hollywood, and one of the highest paid, too, so let’s say you’re invited to the Oscars.

Wouldn’t you at least wash your hair? Maybe run a comb through it? And even if you didn’t, would you sit in the audience and slouch and pout all night?

You would if you were Kristen Kasting Kouch Stewart.

Just sayin’.

So, before we had Lohan, we had TV’s version of Lohan, Mischa Barton. She was on something called The OC and said to be the newest It Girl, but then she vanished into bad parts, crazy behavior, and ugly clothes. And now, like her counterpart, Baron is also unable to pay her debts and owes some $90,000 to “a team of sober coaches.”

Wait, what? Does she play professional sports? I may be off on this, but is there a team called the Sober and they have Coaches? Oh….wait. It’s a different kind of coaching.

See, back in 2011, Mischa was ordered to pay Doctors’ Choice Nursing [DCN] $95,000 for unspecified services rendered in 2009, but she failed to appear in court—probably because she was appearing under a dumpster somewhere—which  is why a default judgment was entered against her.

Well, the nature of the, um,  “services” has been a bit of a mystery, but now we know, from the owner of DCN that the 95K was the fees charged by a team of nurses whose sole job was to keep Mischa Barton sober, though the nature of her substance of choice is still unknown.

Barton’s lawyer wants to know why DCN hadn’t notified Mischa of the mounting bill if the actress was the one responsible for paying it, and the owner replied that she didn’t want the stress of the mounting bill to exacerbate Mischa’s sobriety problems. Like, you know, you owe me money for keeping you sober will send Mischa on a bender.

Barton’s lawyer contends it was the actress’ mother who hired the nurses and therefore ran up the bills — so Mischa shouldn’t have to pay.  Wait, so the person with the abuse issues, who needed a team of nurses to keep her from using whatever it was she was using, doesn’t have to pay those nurses, because she didn’t ask for their help.

That isn’t one of the Twelve Steps.

More Lohan, because, you know, she needs to one-up the Oscar coverage.

It appears that Lindsay’s former assistant, Gavin Doyle, who used to take the rap for all of Lindsay’s misdeeds, will be called to testify against her in the case of last year’s Pacific Coast highway crash where Lindsay lied to police about who was driving her car.

She said Doyle was driving, while others say she was behind the wheel.

And now, Doyle has changed his story, ALLEGEDLY, and is willing to say that Lohan was driving that day. See, they’ve had a falling out because the day after Lindsay was arrested for beating up the psychic in a bar, Doyle came to pick her up at the police station and she kicked him out of her car.

And he took to Twitter:

@lindsaylohan after bailing you out last night I HOPE and PRAY you are getting the help you so desperately need. We are ALL rooting for you. xxx

And now he’ll be testifying against her.

So, what have we learned: do not get into a car with Lindsay Lohan. EVER!

So, Madonna, even with her new face, is still all about the Kabbalah; and she’s a member alongside the likes of Ashton Kutcher, and his former wife Granny Kutcher, AKA Demi Moore. But, since the break-up. Madonna has been granted custody of Ashton’s friendship, leaving Granny Moore out in the cold.

See, she’s not going to associate with the older party who has the penchant for dancing on tables and dating wildly inappropriate younger men because, well, you know how Madonna feels about over-the-top behavior and dating children.

So, Madonna invited Ashton, but not Demi, to her annual Oscar party, which, a few years back was a co-hosting gig between the two women. A source—and it’s probably one of Demi’s three ungrateful children—says, “Madonna is firmly on the side of Ashton. She adores him and thinks that out of him and Demi he’s the one with the glittering career. Also, Madonna loves having Ashton around as he’s great eye candy, he’s funny and he flirts outrageously with her — In Madonna’s eyes, there’s no competition – when it comes to picking sides Ashton is the obvious winner!”

And Demi’s absence at the party was the stuff of gossip. “When Ashton walked in it got the crowd buzzing!” The source says. “Madonna’s never spoken about the split, but it’s obvious she’s sided with him over Demi. It was kind of shocking as Demi has even hosted the party with Madonna in the past, so it’s even more of a mega snub! Madonna clearly loves Ashton though, they were dancing together a lot throughout the night and flirting up a storm!”

Well, that sounds like Madonna. The only person at her parties to be dancing on tables and dating boys young enough to be their sons, is Madonna herself.

Color me shocked.

I kid.

Lindsay Lohan has just been hit with yet another tax lien. We knew that she had trouble paying taxes in 2009 and 2010, but now the IRS she failed to pay in 2011, either. You know, because the IRS doesn’t take airline bottles of booze as payment.

And now the State of California that’s trying to collect the $56,717.90 that Lohan never paid. Add that to the unpaid 2009 taxes of $93,701.57 and the 2010 bill for $140,203.30 and it all adds up to….carry the one….Lohan is screwed.

To be fair, Lohan cleared the 2009 bill because Charlie Sheen found 100K in drug money under a couch cushion and gave it to her, but still, she owes even more as every day passes.

And, well, she still has 2012 to deal with, and that Liz & Dick income, and the porn movie paycheck. So, I imagine that this time next year her Back Tax Bill will be even higher.

Kate Gosselin was on The View this week to promote her appearance on Celebrity Wife Swap.

Let’s stop. Um, doesn’t one have to be a wife to be part of the swap? And single mom Kate, who loves to talk about how hard it is to be a single mom because she’s single and not married and a mom and single doesn’t exactly fill the bill, you know.

But, for the show she switched places with Kendra Wilkinson and her one kid for a week, and then  Kendra got stuck with K8’s 8. Now, I didn’t watch the show because, well, it’s stupid and because, well, Kate Gosselin was on it, but I heard Kate made Kendra cry when she lit into her for not being a hands-on mom, saying, “Reading your manual made me believe that you just let everybody else do everything because you don’t care.” This from the single mom who isn’t married and is a single mom and has a team of nannies.

But, more telling than K8’s rudeness, shrillness, bitchiness, and utter need to be on TV at any chance she’s given, is the idea that Kate’s had some work done. Lotsa folks are saying she had lotsa work done, like a nose job, face lift and injectables and I’d have to agree. See, Old K8 and New K8 are not the same K8. And four, count ‘em four, doctors are weighing on K8’s surgery—though not the idea that the money spent on the surgeries might better have been spent on her 8 children since she’s a single unmarried mother of eight who’s single.

Dr. Steven Fallek, a New York-based plastic surgeon, says, “Definitely a facelift — which includes her neck.”

” Dr. Ed Williams, Group Vice President for Public and Regulatory Affairs for the American Academy of Facial Plastic and Reconstructive Surgery : “Life is either treating her exceptionally well or she had work done”

Dr. Renato Calabria suggests she had fat or stem cells grafted onto her face: “This procedure is done by harvesting the fat in other part of the body and in case of fat grafting injecting it back to the face trough tiny incisions.”

Dr. Richard Norden, FACS of Norden Laser Eye Associates, believes that Kate may not have had a full-fledged facelift, but utilized Botox and a new form of facial rejuvenation: “Her neck seems to be noticeably lifted. I would guess that she had the hot new non-surgical facelift using non-invasive ultrasound called Ultherapy.”

Dr. Stephen Greenberg, Author of A Little Nip, A Little Tuck, surmises that Kate underwent a procedure called tip rhinoplasty: “Tip rhinoplasty is usually done just to thin out the roundness of the tip giving it more definition.

All that work because she got one episode of Wife Swap? Too bad there’s no such thing as a personality lift, or having one’s bitchiness taken off.

K8 could’a used that.

Okay, so like we remember where we were when Kennedy was shot, or when Cher won the Oscar for Moonstruck, we all remember back in June 2012 when Lindsay Lohan crashed her Porsche on the Pacific Coast Highway and a million cracked-out stories erupted, right?

I remember posting that Lindsay got out of her totaled Porsche—from the driver’s side—and tossed all the vodka bottles from the trunk. Now, that might have never happened, but, we’ll never really know, will we?

But, new reports suggest that Lohan was drinking the day of the crash, but prosecutors in the case are thinking of giving her a plea deal.

Drunk driver say what?

Law enforcement sources say a bottle of alcohol was found next to Lindsay’s Porsche, and that her breath smelled of alcohol, but for some reason, cops did not perform a field sobriety test at the scene of the crash.

And yet, the Santa Monica City Attorney is prepared to offer Lindsay 60 days in a residential rehab facility in her lying-to-cops case—where she said she wasn’t driving the Porsche—which is four months less than the original offer. In addition, the City Attorney wants Lindsay to attend another set of AA meetings and to do community service—like, for me, that would be telling her to stop making movies. That’s community service, y’all.

And that’s how Lohan keeps getting off, to drink and drive and crash and bar fight and jewel heist another day.