Christmas Meme Dump

Meme Dump

Snarky Thoughts

Reality show “star” and future prisoner of Cellblock Q, Todd Chrisley has “fired back” at claims that he had an affair with Mark Braddock, his ex-business partner who turned him in for bank fraud. Todd says he would never get fucked by Mark and would rather be rumored to be fucked by Brad Pitt or George Clooney. 

My Thought: Yes, straight men sit around and think about who they’d like to fuck them. Bend over and pick up the soap, Todd.

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Last year, Bond producers put the kibosh on my dream of seeing 50-year-old Idris Elba donning James Bond’s tuxedo by saying that they’re looking for an actor in his 30s to take over the role from Daniel Craig. And to that end they have met with 32-year-old Aaron Taylor-Johnson, left, and 30-year-old Lucien Laviscount.

My Thought: I’ve seen Taylor-Johnson nekkid and he is what I would call more 0014 than 007, if you get my meaning, but I’m still leaning toward dreamy Lucian to shake my martini.

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After last year when Ryan Seacrest pitched a hissy because Drunk Andy Cohen called him and his New Year’s Eve show “boring,” this year Ryan is pissy because Sober Andy Cohen ignored him during the end of the year festivities when Ryan tried to wave at him in Times Square.

My thought: Come on out, Ryan, and ask Cohen on a date, because it’s clear you have some fixation on him.

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Once again Khloé Kardastrophe has changed her appearance and once again she claims it’s because of her hair or her make-up or her new clip-in bangs. After Khloé’s cover shoot for Sorbet magazine many of Taylor Swift fans accused Khloé of stealing Swifty’s look, while Khloé  took to The Gram to blame it on the choppy bangs.

My Thought: I don’t get Taylor Swift at all, but I also don’t get Khloé Kardastrophe. She should figure out who she wants to look like, because it sure isn’t herself, and it’ll never be Beyoncé or Swifty.

PS Here's some of Khloé’s transformations through the years.

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Is Mimi trying to be the George Santos of the music industry now? While Mariah Carey has called herself the Queen of Christmas forever, this year after seeking to trademark the title, and being told to Piss Off, she graciously gave the title to Darlene Love and all seemed right with the world. Until Mariah decided to tell the tale that she wrote her Christmas “classic” all by her lonesome and not with her writing partner Walter Afanasieff, who then came for Mimi:

“She started to hint at the fact that, ‘Oh, I wrote that song when I was a little girl.’ But why weren’t you saying that for 12 or 13 or 15 years prior to that? So it just sort of developed in her mind. She doesn’t play anything, she doesn’t play keyboard or piano. She doesn’t understand music, she doesn’t know chord changes and music theory or anything like that. She doesn’t know a diminished chord from a minor seventh chord to a major seventh chord, so to claim that she wrote a very complicated chord-structured song with her finger on a Casio keyboard when she was a little girl, it’s kind of a tall tale.”

For her part, Mimi says she never said that BUT in 2017, during an interview with Billboard, she said:

“I am proud of this song that I wrote basically as a kid on my little Casio keyboard.” 

And then as liars do, she changed the story again, saying now:

“I was up at the farm, upstate where we did the video, and it was nighttime, and I was just walking around, and I got the idea for the song. I don’t know where it came from, sometimes things just come to me like that. That melody just came into my head, the verse melody. And then, I was walking around, and I just went in and I had a little keyboard set up there and I just kind of finished the lyrics and the melody just came pretty quickly.”

My Thought: All I want for Christmas is for Mariah to stop talking and stop caterwauling that song.

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Snarky Thoughts

Earlier this year actress-model-media whore Julia Fox began dating rapper-media whore Kanye West but after just six weeks of attention-grabbing theatrics, which included an essay about their second date, they broke up. Julia, never one to pass a chance at media attention, is still speaking about the, ahem, “relationship,’ saying it hurt her acting “career” and says she only began dating Kanye to … and this is rich … as in how rich Kanye used to be before going off the deep end again and losing all his contracts … Julia says she dated Kanye to distract him from attacking his ex-wife, Kim Kardashian.

My Thought: Bitch.Please.

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Nick Cannon has done it again. While it was just in September that he and Brittany Bell welcomed his 10th child, this week it was revealed that  Abby De La Rosa just popped out his 11^th and Alyssa Scott is still pregnant with his 12^th, who will likely be arriving next year.

My Thought: Cannon brags about spending millions a year in child support, but how much does he actually see his eleven soon to be twelve, children? If it’s not that much, he's still a deadbeat dad in my book.

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Oh, I am so sad … songbird—and mother to two of Nick Cannon’s spawn—Mariah Carey tried to trademark herself as the ‘Queen of Christmas’ again—the US Trademark Trial and Appeal Board rejected her prior request—and she has been denied again.

My Thought: Yes, Virginia, there really is a Santa Claus.

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Now that Gisele Bundchen has traded herself to the single ladies’ team since divorcing Tom Brady, their massive fortune has been split between the two of them. But … a charity they’re both board members on—the Luz Foundation—claims the ex-Mister-and-Missus Brady are actually less than charitable. In fact, these one-percenters ALLEGEDLY took that title quite seriously and gave less than 1% of their combined earnings over the course of twelve years.

My Thought: I’m not surprised, neither one of them comes off as giving.

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Dean McDermott hyped up his “hot wife,” Tori Spelling, by sharing a photo of the “actress” on his Instagram page:

“I mean . . . Holy Smoke Show!!! Hot wife ALERT!!”

McDermott recently dispelled rumors that the two were breaking up after months of speculation that he and Spelling were heading toward a divorce. 

My Thought: I wonder how Tori will feel when she learns that Dean posted a photo of Khloé Kardastrophe?

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I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

I sometimes wish these divorcing celebrities would take the high road, and divorce peacefully and privately and amicably, but then who the hell would I talk about, amirite?

Dr. Dre has been in a contentious divorce battle with soon-to-be-when-the-money-issues-are-resolved-ex-wife Nicole forever. The once-happy couple was married for over 24 years before Nicole filed for divorce and the messiness started.

Nicole claimed Dre tore up their prenup in a romantic gesture and so she wanted $2 million a month in spousal support. Well, Dre wasn’t keen on cutting a $24 million yearly check, so he brought the prenup back. Then he had an aneurysm and apparently felt bad, so he coughed up $2 million to Nicole for expenses. When he recovered, Nicole threw down the Cheating Gauntlet and tried to subpoena Dre’s ALLEGED mistresses over houses he ALLEGEDLY bought them, and the gloves were off again.

Now the ball is in Dre’s court and so what does he do? He recorded a diss track where he talks smack Nicole cuz that’s how grown folk act:

Trying to kill me with them lies and that perjury

I see you trying to f**k me while I’m in surgery

In ICU death bed on some money shit

Greedy bitch take a pic

Girl you know how money get.

Isn’t that lovely? And just think how his children will feel hearing their father talk this way about their mother.

And how they’ll feel when Nicole decides to respond in kind.

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I haven’t read Mariah Carey’s memoir because, well, simply put Mariah Carey, but apparently her family is a hot mess—she ALLEGES that her older sister Alison, who was arrested for prostitution in 2016, drugged a twelve-year-old Mariah and tried to sell her to a pimp.

No, not Tommy Mottola.

Mariah also had stories about a violent incident ALLEGEDLY involving her “ex-brother” Morgan which has caused him to sue his, I guess, ex-sister for defamation and “intentional infliction of emotional distress.”  Morgan says Mariah’s book “damaged his reputation” and he needs coins to make it all better.

In his legal fling, Morgan ALLEGES Mariah damaged his reputation when she wrote about a violent struggle he had with their father:

“It took twelve cops to pull my brother and father apart. The big bodies of men, all entangled like a swirling hurricane, crashed loudly into the living room.”

Well, first off: I’m’a file suit against Mimi for the line the “big bodies of men, all entangled like a swirling hurricane.” I mean, that hurt my ears beyond repair. But, back at the lawsuit: in the book Mimi says Morgan “pushed my mother with such force that her body slammed into the wall, making a loud cracking sound.”

Morgan says both accounts are lies, though he says any “actual fights with his father never happened when Mariah was a child” and that “there’s no way 12 cops would respond to a domestic violence report.”  He also says there’s no way he would have ever hurt his mother because he loves her; oh, and because tons of people witnessed the “deep affection” between him and his mother. He even claims Mimi contradicted herself in the book when she recounted her mother once saying, “Morgan is the only one I love.”

Morgan’s action calls for the payment of unspecified damages, and seeks “a judicial determination that many of the passages in [the memoir] … are false and defamatory”. It claims the book caused Morgan “serious damage to his reputation and to his personal and business affairs” and “extreme mental anguish”, and that it negatively affected negotiations for a feature film he was developing.

But it all goes away when the coins come his direction.

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This week Alec Baldwin decided he needed more attention and Tweeted a link to a CNN article entitled “Gillian Anderson’s American accent throws some people off”. It was about how Gillian Anderson bounces between her British and American accents.

Kinda like Alec’s esposa, er, wife, Hilaria Hillary, who goes back and forth between her native Spanish and her more native English? Y’all remember the kerfuffle when we learned that Hillary Baldwin is not from Spain and has been pretending to be Spanish for years, even though she was born and raised in New England?

But Alec missed the mark here because, while Gillian Anderson was born in Chicago, shortly after her birth, her family moved to London, where they lived until she was 11 years old. After that, they returned to America, but still summered in London.  So, clearly Alec saw imagined similarities between Anderson and Hillary but, to be fair, Gillian has never pretended to be from England, never acted as though she couldn’t pronounce an American English word, and didn’t say things like “lift” and “bangers and mash” because she was faking her ancestry.

And so, Twitter, and Gillian Anderson fans, came for Alec and read him so badly for filth that he once again claimed social media is for haters—but not when he uses it—and he’s done with it; again. And then he posted a nearly ten-minute-long video on Instagram bitching about the haters:

“Wanted to post a quick video to say that I deactivated my Twitter account today.”

But he clearly kept his Instagram because where else can he seek attention. In the video, Alec does not name Gillian by name but explained about his stupid Tweet:

“I just wrote, ‘Oh, that’s interesting.’ And of course, you can’t do any irony on Twitter—you can’t do any irony in the United States anymore because the United States is such [an] uptight, stressed-out place and such an unpleasant place right now.”

He goes on to say he’s a “huge fan” of Anderson’s and didn’t mean to offend her, but found it similar that both Gillian and his wife—who, remember, even changed the spelling of her name to pretend to be Spanish—are influenced by different cultures:

“But I find that, of course, on Twitter, which is where all the a**oles in the United States and beyond go to get their advanced degrees in a**hole-iness, that I had used it as a news aggregator, and I suppose I will do my best to find other places that are similar in their news aggregation in real time and periodicals I like.”

Take it down a notch, Karen. It was clear you were trying to explain away your wife’s decades long lie by comparing her to Gillian Anderson when there is no comparison. So stay off Twitter if it’s too hard, but be prepared for the haters, AKA—in your case—the truth tellers, to find you elsewhere.

And, as you wife would say in her "native" tongue:

“Adios.”

Oops. I mean Goodbye.

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Remember that whole sexual harassment scandal involving former CBS bigshot Les Moonves? The one that cost him his job? Yeah? Well, it’s also cost CBS tens of millions of dollars after the network was court-ordered to pay actress Bobbie Phillips for the sexual harassment claims— including her allegation that Moonves forced her to perform oral sex on him in a 1995 meeting—after the network leaked the story to the media.

Phillips says that in 1995 Moonves dropped his pants in front of her and said:

“Look how hard you make me. Be my girlfriend and I’ll put you on any show.”

He then, ALLEGEDLY, grabbed her by the neck and forced her to perform oral sex. Phillips was able to break free by grabbing a baseball bat after he was interrupted by a phone call.

Moonves later said to Phillips’ longtime Hollywood agent, Marv Dauer:

“If Bobbie talks, I’m finished.”

And he is.

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Last week 36-year-old Katharine McPhee gave birth to her first child, a son, with her 71-year-old husband David Foster.

The boy is David’s first son, and joins his five stepsisters, four of whom are older than his mother.

That’s all.

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I Ain't One To Gossip ...

Again …I don’t watch Dancing with the Used-To-Be-Stars-or-Second-Bananas-Or-Retired-Athletes-Or Actors-Looking-For-A-Comeback and never have, but I do read about it, especially now that Tyra Trainwreck Banks is the new host.

That bitch just can’t get through a show without a hideous dress or a huge on-air mix-up, like this week when they were whittling down the dancers to the bottom two.

And yet, she left three couples on the dance floor—Anne Heche and partner [who knows their names]; Vernon Davis and partner; Chrishell Stause [who?]and her partner—and called them the bottom two.

Bitch can’t count; and apparently can’t read either because she’d just finished telling Monica Aldama [another who?] and her partner that they were safe, and yet they weren’t. Trainwreck said:

“There’s actually been an error. I’m looking right now and we have three couples, so we need to clarify this for one second. The bottom two couples are Anne and Keo and Monica and Val.”

So, she has Monica come back out, while the judges tried to shoo Vernon and partner, and Chrishell Stause [who?]and partner offstage lest Trainwreck screw things up again.

And like she did the last time she screwed up she released the same crap from her mouth:

“This is live TV, right? This is the craziness of live TV… This is live TV. I was reading my cards, but my cards were wrong. So here we go. …  This is live TV, and we’re all human.”

Yeah, except the last host they had never did that in the 48 years this show has been on TV, Tyra. Perhaps a little less time win the makeup chair with the spatula, and a little less time picking a dressing from the ugly, pile, and little more time paying attention.

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Mariah’s back with more snippets from the book she “wrote” The Importance of Being Mimi or whatever. And this time she’s dogging her ex-fiancé, who had to sue to get the ring back, by the way, James Packer.

Mariah dated and was engaged to the Australian billionaire for 8 months until he finally, truthfully, literally, paid her off to go away—and here I thought Lindsay Lohan was a hooker—and she tells the world that the two never had sex in their entire relationship.

That must have been the world’s longest, and least fulfilling, dry hump … until James’ wallet shot the wad of bills at Mariah and she went home.

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Speaking of people who “write” books about their lives, we now have gossip-monger Perez Hilton who has written about the time he made out with John Mayer in his book, TMI: My Life in Scandal.

It seems that in 2007, Hilton had finished co-hosting MTV’s New Year’s Eve celebrations with Christina Aguilera and the two of them decided to hit a club in Chelsea where they met up with Jessica Simpson and her then-boyfriend John Mayer.

Perez ALLEGES that as they all sat down, Mayer leaned into him and said:

“I like to watch gay porn, you know. My favorite porn star is Brent Corrigan. He really turns me on.”

Hilton then ALLEGES that Mayer leaned in and shoved his tongue into Hilton’ mouth, and Hilton, despite being momentarily paralyzed, began making out with Mayer.

Hilton ALLEGES that Simpson watched her boyfriend and Hilton make-out but covered her face with her hair. I’d have gone to the kitchen for bleach and a Brillo Pad™ to scrub my eyes clean. I mean, look at the pair of ‘em up there… creepy and creepier.

Mayer and Simpson’s reps are not responding because, again, ick, but Mayer has spoken of it:

"The only man I kissed is Perez Hilton. It was New Year’s Eve and I decided to go out and destroy myself. I was dating Jessica at the time, and I remember seeing Perez Hilton flitting about this club and acting as though he had just invented homosexuality. All of a sudden I thought, I can out gay this guy right now. I grabbed him and gave him the dirtiest, tongue-iest kiss I have ever put on anybody almost as if I hated fags. I don’t think my mouth was even touching when I was tongue kissing him, that’s how disgusting this kiss was. I’m a little ashamed. I think it lasted about half a minute. I really think it went on too long.”

Again, ick.

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Former Beverly Hills, 90210 has-beens Jennie Garth and Tori Spelling are addressing Jessica Alba’s ALLEGATIONS that she wasn’t allowed to make eye contact with the cast when she filmed an episode of the show fifty-six years ago. In a teaser for their new podcast, 9021OMG, both Garth and Spelling said they didn’t recall such a rule:

“Tori, did you — I just need to know, did you tell her not to look me in the eye?” “Why’s it all about you?” “Well, because I had all the scenes with her, like, if anybody was, you know, didn’t want to have their eyes looked into, it would’ve been me. But I don’t remember because I have the world’s worst memory.” Spelling then speculated that maybe the producers sent around a “cool memo” that mandated the odd request. This bit of fluff began last week when Alba appeared on Hot Ones and spoke of ‘The Rule’: “I couldn’t even make eye contact with any of the cast members, which was really strange when you’re like trying to do a scene with them. It was like, ‘You’re not allowed to make eye contact with any one of the cast members or you’ll be thrown off the set.’” Garth, who was the one not being looked at, will only say that she  remembers Alba as being “super talented”: “She was very young, and she was really sweet. It does not surprise me that she’s gone on to be so successful.” Perhaps because she didn’t look at the cast, Alba didn’t have whatever talent she has, or had, sucked out of her body by a cast of talentless acting vampires. photo

“Tori, did you — I just need to know, did you tell her not to look me in the eye?”

“Why’s it all about you?”

“Well, because I had all the scenes with her, like, if anybody was, you know, didn’t want to have their eyes looked into, it would’ve been me. But I don’t remember because I have the world’s worst memory.”

Spelling then speculated that maybe the producers sent around a “cool memo” that mandated the odd request.

This bit of fluff began last week when Alba appeared on Hot Ones and spoke of ‘The Rule’:

“I couldn’t even make eye contact with any of the cast members, which was really strange when you’re like trying to do a scene with them. It was like, ‘You’re not allowed to make eye contact with any one of the cast members or you’ll be thrown off the set.’”

Garth, who was the one not being looked at, will only say that she  remembers Alba as being “super talented”:

“She was very young, and she was really sweet. It does not surprise me that she’s gone on to be so successful.”

Perhaps because she didn’t look at the cast, Alba didn’t have whatever talent she has, or had, sucked out of her body by a cast of talentless acting vampires.

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I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

So Kathie Lee Gifford’s  daughter Cassidy Gifford is married to Ben Weirda, who is the nephew of Betsy DeVos, but this isn’t about that.

It’s about Kathie dragging her offspring and their spouses to take part in an episode of Celebrity Family Feud but it looks like the only feud was between Ben’s dick and his pants, as his not-so-little Ben fought to get free of the trousers.

Somewhere Jon Hamm is smiling now that the talk will turn from the Hammaconda to Ben’s Moose Knuckle performance on a gameshow.

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It’s sad when they turn desperate and thirsty, amirite GOOP?

For her 48th birthday Gwyneth Paltrow got naked for Instagram because there is no career and no interest in her so, drop the clothes and strike a pose. It’s sad, and pathetic and desperate and cringeworthy and looks like she has one of those thousand-dollar Jade Eggs stuck in her cooch.

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First they act like they’re quitting their show, until we learn that E! canceled it, and now the mother of that klan, That Woman, finds herself at the center of a lawsuit brought by Marc McWilliams, a former security guard, who says she was all kinds of handsy with him, even after he complained to his bosses. McWilliams claims he was the victim of “a pattern of unwanted and unwelcome advances and other harassing misconduct” at the hands of That Woman, and that her lesser known daughter, Kourtney, retaliated against him when he accused Mama of being touchy-feeley.

That Woman stands accused of “massaging [Marc McWilliams’] neck, shoulders, arms and back without consent, causing her hand to rest on [his] thigh and groin, causing her pelvis to rub against [his] back and/or rear-end without consent or approval, causing her hands to come into contact with [his] rear-end without consent or approval.” McWilliams also claims That Woman exposed “portions of her body to Plaintiff in a lewd or suggestive manner.”

I would call that assault with an ugly weapon.

McWilliams says he “expressly informed” That Woman that he didn’t consent to her advances, and ended up taking the issue to the security company’s HR department; he claims his bosses did nothing about the situation, but began to punish him for made-up infractions like being late and having a bad attitude. He was eventually fired on September 12th, 2018.

That Woman, through her attorneys, denies she ever did anything wrong, but, remember, this is the woman who found her daughter’s sex rape and sold it to a porn distributor to make a few coins and get her family a TV show, so I wouldn’t trust a word that slithers from her forked tongue.

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Maybe she really doesn’t know her?

Apparently Mariah Carey—who famously responded, “I don’t know her,” when asked about JLo—also has an aversion to even writing the other singer’s name, and instead refers to Lopez as “another female entertainer on [Sony] (whom I don’t know)'".

Wow.

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Well, after years of trying to make us forget her face, Khloé Kardashian—who has had more faces and more surgeries than Cher, Faye Dunaway, and Jocelyn Wildenstein combined—has unveiled her newest mug … and it’s Beyoncé.

Cue Beyoncé Lawsuit stat!

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