Why Is It ...

… that when I accidentally cut off a guy on the highway he pulled alongside me and shrieked out the window, “I am gonna make your life a living hell,” and all I could think of to say was, “Thanks but I’m not looking for a relationship right now.”

… that the older I get … No.

… that people hope to die gracefully when you can age like a fine old cheese … full of character and slightly offensive.

… that when people say their life is a walk in the park, I say, ‘Mine, too … Jurassic Park.’

… that I talk a lot of shit for someone who cannot function if the toe seam on my sock is in the wrong place.

… that sometimes people come into your life … and they need to stop doing that.

… that nothing brings neighbors together like a slew of police cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.

… that people forget that I used to be crazy but have recently upgraded to Premium Chaos.

… that when someone asks what my dream job is I always say I would like to simply not participate in society.

… that if I’m ever on life support, unplug me, and then plug me back in to see if that works.

Why Is It ...

… that I say Good Morning to everyone except those who say it’s too early for my bull shiz; to them I say, 'Get up earlier.'

… that my coffee looked at me this morning and whispered, ‘Sorry, I don’t do miracles.’

… that people don’t get that driving alone is tiring; I have to be the lead singer and the backup singer, the dancers, the drummer and the guitarist, etc.

… that no one understands that I don’t do second chances; 53 chances and then I’m done.

… that most of the time my mind is like someone emptied the junk drawer onto a trampoline and then started bouncing.

… that I am happy being the reason a nun clutches her Rosary when I walk by.

… that when I was dating and filled the room with candles, my date called it romantic and yet I knew I was about to perform a sacrifice.

… that when people ask if they can come over I say, ‘Sorry, my house is in the shop.’

… that we’re often told we catch more flies with honey than vinegar but I can catch plenty out of your hollowed out carcass, so this can go either way.

… that I love the idea of being someone’s peace, but unfortunately I’m crazy.

Why Is It ... But First ....

… that people need to remember that the TV is always on in my house because it’s my emotional support background noise.

… that the other day I told my boss I was going to the bathroom, burt didn’t say which one, and so I just went home.

… that when I tell people I’m in a good place right now, I don’t mean emotionally, I mean at a bar with good drink specials.

… that people named Debra will go by Deb but never Bruh.

… that while the best response is no response, but since I have a smart mouth you’re gonna hear from me.

… that I am a good person up until I see someone driving the speed limit in the left lane.

… that I just realized that I have reached that age where I am bothered by lights left on, open doors, loud noises … and people.

… that people need to know that once I unfriend you I will go to your profile and unlike my likes, unlove my loves, unwow my wows, and I will even unhaha my hahas.

… that some people need to know that I am in the the studio writing a diss track about them. Be afraid.

Why Is It ...

… that I just found out that the neighborhood had a meeting about that crazy old man and I wasn’t invited.

… that I need to remind people to drink water and mind their own damn business.

… that when someone asks me how strong I like my coffee I always say, “I want it to show up in a drug test.”

… that I have to put on a seatbelt but the garbage man gets to hang off the back of the truck.

… that people don’t understand that due to not wanting to, I will not be.

… that if I offended you with any of my social media posts, I sincerely apologize. I did not think you could read.

… that I hate when people call my phone; surely they know I don’t use it for that.

… that my boss doesn’t understand that I should be getting paid extra at work just for being the funny one.

… that if I knew then what I know now, I would have stayed strangers with a lot of people.

Why Is It ...

… that my phone won't auto correct when I have caps lock on? Is it because it assumes I’m angry and doesn't want to get involved?

… that my boss doesn’t get it that I don’t listen. I just smile and nod and hope for the best?

… that sometimes I’ll read a text and think ‘What a psycho’ and then I press ‘Send.’

… that when I offered a friend a sincere compliment on their mustache, she suddenly decided not to be friends anymore?

… that when I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so those behind can see it’s not my fault.

… that exercise and extra fries sound so much alike. It’s a plot.

… that when I put thing away in the cupboards I forget where they are, but if I leave it all on the counter I get overwhelmed.

… that the first shot of liquor is so nasty and the next thing you know, so am I?