Snarky Thoughts

Tori Spelling has been seen wearing an eye patch and wandering the streets of LA looking for paparazzi to snap a photo of her, ahem, injury. Now, if you’re like me, you’d think maybe it was a chemical peel too close to the eye, or a Botox overdose, but, no, it’s more Tori than that. Spelling says she has an ulcer on her eyeball from wearing, daily disposable contacts for too long.

My Thought: Tori Spelling doesn’t know what “daily disposable” means. Tori Spelling is dumb.

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Skip Judy Garland! Back Off Babs Streisand! Step Off Springsteen! Adios Madge! According to Ben Affleck, there’s a new “greatest performer in the history of the world,” and it’s his wife, Jennifer Lopez. Yes, Ben shared his completely unasked for opinion on the podcast Smartless, hosted by Sean Hayes, Will Arnett, and Jason Bateman, who Ben worked with on the new Nike movie, Air, and when Jason asked Ben if he knew all of JLo’s music, and Ben replied that, yes, not only does he know all her music, he loves it, and “it’s brilliant.”

My Thought: Alcohol really does affect the brain. And the ears. And the sense of taste. And let me ask you this: isn’t that the face of a man who thinks his wife is the greatest entertainer ever?

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Tom Cruise has stopped sending Brooke Shields a cake each Christmas — but she doesn’t know “what happened.” Shields says that she was “on the list for a while” and “had a good 10-year run” getting the $126 Bundt cake that Cruise sends his famous friends for the holidays. But then Brooke got even shadier, laughing about Cruise cutting his ex-wife Katie Holmes and  daughter, Suri, from his Christmas card.

“It was from them and Suri, so it was the three of them, and then soon it was no Suri and no Katie and just Tom. Then it went from just Tom for a while, but not every holiday. And then the cake stopped.”

Brooke doesn’t believe the change has nothing to do with her and Cruise’s past feud over her postpartum depression medication. In fact, she was a guest at the Cruise-Holmes wedding and her daughter and their daughter had a joint birthday one year.

My Thought: Tom Cruise is a tiny man, in every way possible.

PS Tom erased Suri because she's considered a Suppressive Person in the Cult of $cientology and he can have nothing to do with her.

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Ana Obregón, a 68-year-old Spanish actress has caused a ton of controversy after using her late son’s sperm and a surrogate to give birth to her granddaughter. Last week, Ana was seen outside a Miami hospital holding a newborn baby she named Ana Sandra Lequio Obregón. People assumed the baby was Ana’s daughter and ridiculed her use of a surrogate at her age—surrogacy is actually banned in Spain, where many refer to it as “womb renting.” 

My Thought: What will Baby Ana call Ana Obregón? MamaGrandMama?

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Speaking of escándalo … Steven Tyler is denying allegations that he sexually assaulted a 16-year-old in 1973 and then forced her to get an abortion. Tyler recently filed a lengthy response to the claims, which were made in a December 2022 lawsuit, arguing that Julia Misley, formerly known as Julia Holcomb, consented to their sexual relationship and that he had immunity as her legal guardian at the time. He says her parents liked him so much they made him their child's guardian so he wouldn’t be arrested traveling across state lines with a child.

My thought: He had sex with a sixteen-year-old girl when he was twenty-five but says it was fine because she consented and he was her guardian at the time?

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Let’s talk actor Lukas Gage—The White Lotus season 1, You season 4 and the next season of Fargo—getting engaged to Kim Kardastrophe and JLo’s hairstylist Chris Appleton. Lukas and Chris went Instagram official—that’s how it’s done these days—in February and shortly after that Chris took to the talk show circuit telling Drew Barrymore  that he’s “very happy and very much in love,” while Lukas ran over to Today, saying, “I feel very happy, very lucky and very much in love.” And then just last week the pair went ring shopping together after dating for like a second two seconds.

My Thought: The marriage will take place quickly, so that the divorce can happen right before Emmy season and Luke can use the Red Carpet to talk breakup. Okay, call me a cynic, but don’t forget about other celebrity couples who met at lunch, got engaged over dinner and divorced before the dessert came; think Kim and Kris; Khloe and Lamar; Tom and Katie; Pamela Anderson and almost all of her husbands.

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Snarky Thoughts

If you haven’t been seeing the snippets of the Paltrow v. Sanderson lawsuit from Park City, Utah, consider yourself lucky for having missed the smug performance of a Kim Kardastrophe wannabe and low rent Martha Stewart hopeful in Oscar bought-and-paid for by Harvey Weinstein, Gwyneth Paltrow. This week Paltrow won her case in which she says a large man rammed into her, fell, and he cracked and broke four ribs and suffered a head injury, while thin-a-s-a-rail, bone both drinking  Gwynnie skied down the slope, ate lunch and had a massage while complaining that she was robbed of a half day of skiing.

My Thought: She won because she’s Gwyneth Paltrow though she was only awarded a dollar. Still, for me, that .99-cents too much.

My Other Thought: That smug face; we know she’s a horrible actor so I guessing she had her entire mug and limp hair Botoxed to the Sad Clown Degree.

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While promoting the Dungeons & Dragons movie this week Hugh Grant complained about how these days actors no longer fall in love and screw like rabbits on film sets, but instead go home to their loved ones and their own lives. And he blames it all on cell phones:

“All of that stopped because of telephones. Everyone goes home and looks at Twitter. It’s so sad.”

My Thought: Maybe the women he works with know that Hugh Grant is a serial schtupper and the father of five children, overlapping in age, with two different women … meaning he was schtupping both at the same time. Ick.

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By 2008 Mike Myers’ career of playing corny, one-note unfunny people, and comic villains was just about over, though Myers apparently was the only one unaware. Which may explain why Canadian radio DJ named Jay Brody, who was hired to work as set security for The Love Guru but was fired after just four hours on the job because he broke one rule: he made eye contact with Myers.

My Thought: Was it just eye contact, or was it eye roll contact, as in, seriously, you aren’t funny Mike Myers.

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In 1996, Brooke Shields guest-starred on Friends as Joey’s obsessive fan, and during a date scene, she had to—and by that I mean ‘forced to’—lick Matt LeBlanc’s hand and fingers. In the audience was Brooke’s then-boyfriend Andre Agassi, who later became her husband and then ex-husband, and according to Shields Agassi lost it because he thought the two were flirting … on a TV set … in front of a camera … with an audience … and a full stage crew. Brooke says he ran out of the studio and later screamed at her for making a fool of him and broke all of his tennis trophies in a rage; what Brooke found out later was a meth-fueled rage.

My Thought: Andre clearly has never heard of acting, or else he thinks everything you see on TV is real.

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Khloé Kardastrophe has changed her face so much that she’s pretty much a living reboot of her former self. Now, in the past, Khloé has blasted people for suggesting she’s the product of scrapes and pills and injections and scalpels, oh my. But this week, on Instagram, a fan—do Kardastrophe’s have fans or people they pay to be fans—asked her, “Do you miss your old face?” and she replied, “No.”

My Thought: The answer should have been “Which old face,” because at the rate she keeps changing it I think that one day soon she’ll end up looking like Khloé Kardastrophe circa 2007.

2007 2009 2013 2015 2020 2021 2022 2023

Alexander Ludwig, from the Hunger Games, posted a stripped-down nekkid Polaroid to his Instagram this week, alongside one of his wife also posing nude; she was celebrating her 32nd week of pregnancy and he was celebrating being a hot nekkid soon-to-be Daddy.

My Thought: Alexander should pose nudie pics to Instagram all the time, not so blurry and not so dark, and then maybe I’ll look at my page more often than once every six months.

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I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

There’s nothing like a celebrity barfing up a forty-year-old story to get some fresh publicity. And I’m looking at you Brooke Shields.

We get into the Way Back Machine and head to 1980, when people lost their shiz at 15-year-old Brooke Shields’ Calvin Klein’s ad where she says:

“You want to know the only thing that comes between me and my Calvin’s? Nothing.”

It’s nothing compared to what we see today, but forty-one years ago it was escandalo! And so, to mark that four decades old mess, Brooke appeared on Dax Shepard’s Armchair Expert podcast and talked about a 1980 interview she did with Barbara Walters that she now calls … wait for it … “practically criminal” because Babs asked what her measurements were and if she was a virgin.

Call CPS! STAT! Except … five years earlier Brooke’s mother, Teri Shields, offered up her 10-year-old daughter, fully nude, dolled up and slathered in grease, as the subject of photos for a Playboy publication called Sugar and Spice so questions of virginity and measurements couldn’t have been that criminal.

Not like a mother having her prepubescent child pose nude. Take it down a notch, Brooke.

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Sarah Ferguson, AKA The Duchess of York, is back once again with another chapter for her ongoing life struggles in which she claims that she is “the most persecuted woman in the Royal Family.”

Oh, it didn’t just happen; The OG Fergie says she has been shunned and persecuted since she and her husband Andrew—with his own set of scandals—split up in 1992 and divorced in 1996. It’s like she’s pulling a Brooke Shields, dredging up decades old stories for some fresh publicity,

Referring to the negative media coverage she received following her separation from Prince Andrew, she says:

“I was maybe the most persecuted woman in the history of the royal family, but I’m still here.”

Now, she may have been the most dragged royal, but persecuted? Walk a minute in Diana’s shoes, hon, who was called insane and crazy by the royal family machine during her separation and divorce and was then hounded literally to death by the press.

Take a seat, Sarah. We’ll call you when wanna suck toes.

Google it.

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Now, onto to George Clooney, trying to prove he’s just like the rest of us.

Clooney did an interview with the Guardian to promote his new movie, The Tender Bar, and discussed fame, raising his twins during the pandemic, politics, his childhood, and the fact that he turned down $35 million for one day’s work in an airline commercial:

“Well, yeah. I was offered $35m for one day’s work for an airline commercial, but I talked to Amal [Clooney, the human rights lawyer he married in 2014] about it and we decided it’s not worth it. It was [associated with] a country that, although it’s an ally, is questionable at times, and so I thought: ‘Well, if it takes a minute’s sleep away from me, it’s not worth it.’”

Get a good night’s sleep, George. We remember the $30 million paycheck you got for those Nespresso commercials.

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Last week we discussed Madonna’s thirsty nipple and ass Instagram photos, and this week we discuss her attack on 50 Cent—whom she accused of “pretending” to be her friend—after he “talked smack” about those photos, posting to his social media:

“yo this is the funniest shit LOL. That’s Madonna under the bed trying to do like a virgin at 63. She shot out, if she don’t get her old ass up.”

And Madonna, never one to revert back to being a teenaged girl, posted a picture of she and Fiddy posing together on the red carpet saying.

“Here is 50 Cent pretending to be my friend. Now you have decided to talk smack about me. I guess your new career is getting attention by trying to humiliate others on social media. The least elevated choice you could make as an artist and an adult.”

And then she proves what a thirsty child she is by adding:

“You’r [sic] just jealous you won’t look as good as me or have as much fun when you are my age.”

I was kinda hoping for:

I’m rubber, you’r [sic] glue, whatever you say bounces on me and sticks to you.

But hers was enough because 50 Cent apologized, and the playground is safe again for the children.

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Y’all remember that Khloé Kardastrophe got together with athlete Tristan Thompson when he dumped his pregnant girlfriend to be with Khloé, only to dump Khloé for a hot minute when she got pregnant, and then they got back together because dumping pregnant Khloé is okay with Khloé? Remember that?

Well, it’s still going on because Thompson has knocked up another girl while he and Khloe were are were together, and Tristan is suggesting the woman is trying to extort money from him.

Um, no, Tristan, it’s called Child Support, and it’s what men have to pay because they can’t keep their dicks in their pants.

PS Tristan ALLEGEDLY tried to give this newest Baby Mama $75,000 if she dropped her paternity suit, which is something all men do when the baby in question isn’t theirs.

Keep.It.In.Your.Pants. If you can’t use a condom, dumbass.

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I Didn't Say It........

LeAnn Rimes, on how she and Eddie Cibrian, who began an affair with one another while both still married to other people, are not homewreckers:

"I take responsibility for everything I've done. I hate that people got hurt. But I don't regret the outcome. It was very emotionally driven. I never once thought what I was doing was OK. I was out of balance. My marriage was out of balance. There was something missing.
"The hardest thing to hear is someone call either of us a home wrecker because we didn't walk into a perfectly happy marriage and ruin it. I don't know what the future holds, but I know it holds Eddie. I'm really happy. I've moved on, and I hope there can be some forgiveness and acceptance."

Hawaii Congressman Charles Djou, on why he was one of five House GOP members to vote in favor repealing DADT:
"I have seen too many instances as an army reservist, soldiers would sign up for a re-enlistment bonus. Get this gigantic sum from the American taxpayer. And then as soon as the unit gets called up to mobilize to Iraq and Afghanistan, they suddenly claim they are gay, with no prior indication of that whatsoever. Get the discharge and keep the bonus. That’s wrong, that’s unfair and that’s why this policy should be changed."

California state Senator Roy Ashburn, on why, as a deeply closeted gay man, he often voted any gay rights legislation:

"My practice in my entire political career when it came to gay issues was to prevent any kind of spotlight from being shined my way, because I was in hiding. So casting any kind of vote might, could in some way, lead to my secret being revealed. That was terrifying to me. It was paralyzing. So I cast some votes that have denied gay people of their basic, equal treatment under the law, and I'm not proud of it. I'm not going to do that again."

Eugene Delgaudio, head of the Christianist group Public Advocate Of The U.S., on the Student Non-Discrimination Act:

"Our children...They’ve been the Radical Homosexuals’ target all along. Now they’re finally going after what they’ve always wanted. Just a few weeks ago, radicals in Congress led by openly homosexual Representative Jared Polis introduced H.R. 4530....a bill to turn America’s schools into indoctrination centers, its classrooms into social laboratories, its playgrounds into homosexual breeding grounds.

"Of course, they’ve disguised the bill’s wicked nature behind the innocent name 'The Student Non-Discrimination Act.' Sound harmless, right? Well, that’s key to their scheme. Honestly, I can hardly imagine a law more harmful. More appropriately, this bill should be called 'The Homosexual Classrooms Act.'

"You see, The Homosexual Classrooms Act was introduced quietly, and some insiders say Nancy Pelosi wants to 'fast-track' it before there is a public outcry. There’s even talk of burying it inside the must-pass Elementary and Secondary Education Act, commonly known as “No Child Left Behind” Reauthorization. If they succeed, they’ll only ensure that No Child is Left Uncorrupted by the poisonous influence of the Homosexual Agenda."

Kristen Stewart, on fame and how being photographed is just like being raped:
"It's so… The photos are so....I feel like I'm looking at someone being raped. A lot of the time I can't handle it. I never expected that this would be my life. What you don't see are the cameras shoved in my face and the bizarre intrusive questions being asked, or the people falling over themselves, screaming and taunting to get a reaction. All you see is an actor or a celebrity lit up but a flash. Your little persona is made up of all the places that people have seen you and what has been said about you. And usually the places that I am are so overwhelming in the moment and fleeting for me - like one second where I've said something stupid, that's me, forever."

UFC fighter Quinton "Rampage" Jackson, on acting--he's playing the role created by Mr. T. in the movie remake of The A Team:

"Acting is kind of gay. It makes you soft. You got all these people combing your hair and putting a coat over your shoulders when you're cold. I don't want a coat over my shoulders! I'm a tough-ass [individual]! Vancouver strikes me as a San Francisco-kind of place. And I don't want [individuals] getting ideas about me. I feel in my heart I'm the toughest [individual] on the planet. And I don't want nothing changing my train of thought."

PETA, on the news that Brooke Shields went to Denmark last March to design a mink coat:
"When I was a little girl, I dreamed about growing up to be a rock star. Or maybe a veterinarian. Or a roller derby queen. I didn't dream about anally electrocuting animals on fur farms, but apparently Brooke Shields did…We understand that when some actors' careers begin to fade, they'll do just about anything to stay in the limelight, including appearing in eyelash-growing commercials and starring in short-lived TV shows. But Brooke, did you really want the world to remember you as a 'fur pimp' who stares agog at rows of animal skins?"

Randomness

Is Brooke Shields broke?

I know she was on a TV show that got cancelled, so maybe she needs the money, because she is everywhere advertising everything these days.

I saw her do a spot for VW, for sunscreen, for toothpaste and for mascara. Is she that desperate for cash?

Do we have to have a telethon for her?

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Liza on the Tonys.

I know she's a legend. i know she's Judy's daughter.

But the old gal can't sing anymore and it pains me to watch her.

And then, when she won the Tony for Best Theatrical Special Event, and went up on stage with the producers, i said to Carlos, "Poor Liza has no idea where she is. She thinks she's on line at Starbucks."

And sure enough, when she took her turn at the microphone, she said, "I'd like a half-caf-half-decaf-vanilla-latte, please."

I jest..........a little.