The Funny Papers

Dave Whamond, Ed Hall, Pedro X Molina, Mike Smith, Clay Bennett, Mike Luckovich, Michael Ramirez, Lalo Alcaraz, Adam Zyglis, Ed Wexler, Marc Murphy, Jack Ohman,

The Funny Papers

RJ Matson, John Branch, David Horsey, Mike Luckovich, JD Crowe, Deb Milbrath, Ed Hall, Darrin Bell, Liam Simonelli, Ann Telnaes, Jeffrey Koterba, Adam Zyglis, Nick Anderson, Kevin Siers, John Cole, Ed Wexler, Taylor Jones,

The Funny Papers

JD Crowe, Darrin Bell, Dave Whamond, Ed Hall, MacLeod, Ed Wexler, Lalo Alcaraz, RJ Matson, Bill Bramhall, Bill Day, Jack Ohman, Michael de Adder, Clay Bennett, Gary Huck,

Tuesday Thought #1

Bobservations

Well well well…yesterday one of the nation’s largest sports retailers, Dick’s Sporting Goods, announced it was immediately ending sales of all assault-style rifles in its stores and that they would no longer sell guns to anyone under 21 years of age, regardless of local laws.

And then Walmart announced the minimum age to buy guns in their stores would be raised to 21.

And so it begins …

For eight years we endured gun nuts and the NRA telling Americans that Obama was coming for their guns and yet that never happened.

And now the NRA’s $30 million man, _____, has said he favors taking guns away from people who might commit violence before going through legal due process.

And yet I’m not hearing outcry. Why?

And we all know _____ wants to arm teachers, but maybe he needs to give that some thought … or any thought.

Jesse Randal Davidson, a teacher from Dalton High School in Georgia was arrested yesterday after firing a handgun inside his classroom and sending panicked students running for their lives.

Armed teachers.

Donald Trump’s closest adviser, former model …. Yes, I said “model” …  Hope Hicks is resigning one day after she testified for eight hours before the House Intelligence Committee, telling them she had to tell white lies for Trump.

She admitted she lies for the president. Again, where’s the GOP outrage?

I remember a few weeks back when people, including myself, poked fun at Michele Bachmann for saying she was waiting for a sign from God to tell her if she should run for Al Franken’s former Senate seat,

God told her no. This week, Oprah, still pushing that ‘Will she or won’t she’ bullshit, says she is also asking God to tell her if she should run:

“I went into prayer… ‘God, if you think I’m supposed to run, you gotta tell me, and it has to be so clear that not even I can miss it.’ And I haven’t gotten that.”

Um, yeah, Oprah, cuz God doesn’t want you to run, so why not close your cakehole, because I’m sure it’s filled with cake, and be quiet.

In What The Hell Was He Thinking News … last week Illinois Governor Bruce Rauner drank a glass of chocolate milk to demonstrate his belief in diversity:

“It’s really, really good. Diversity!”

It all happened because of Hyatt Hotels diversity and inclusion executive Tyronne Stoudemire, who appeared with Rauner at Chicago’s Thompson Center to discuss workplace diversity at a Black History Month event. Stoudemire, who is black, poured a glass of milk to represent the white men who lead most organizations:

“This chocolate syrup represents diversity.”

Stoudemire squirted chocolate syrup into the glass and it instantly sank to the bottom.

“When you look at most organizations, diversity sits at the bottom of the organization. You don’t get inclusion until you actually stir it up.”

Rauner then stirred the syrup into the milk, turning it brown, and he took a sip and pronounced it good.

Seriously.

I like Dianne Feinstein, one of the nation’s best-known and longest-serving politicians, but let’s face it, even she needs to go sometime. She is 84-years-old and has been serving as the senator from California since 1992.

This week at their state convention, did not endorse Feinstein for reelection. Fifty-four% of delegates endorsed Feinstein’s opponent, state senator Kevin de León, a Democrat from Los Angeles, while just 37% supported Feinstein.

Feinstein has done a wonderful job, but if she wins reelection she’ll be 91 at the end of the next term. Don’t we need some new blood in the Senate?

So, Delta decided to no longer offer discounts to NRA members and the Georgia GOP—the same GOP that begs folks not to politicize gun deaths—has blocked a lucrative tax break bill that would benefit Delta Air Lines because Delta chose to say No to the NRA.

Georgia Lt. Gov. Casey Cagle says he will not support tax legislation that help the airline “unless the company changes its position and fully reinstates its relationship with the NRA.”

Huh, extortion much?

Delta, which has been based in Atlanta for nearly 80 years, is the state’s largest private employer, with 33,000 workers statewide and $300 million in state and local tax revenue annually.

And, if Democrats elsewhere have it their way, that could all end …. see, after the Georgia GOP threatened Delta, Democrats in other states responded by publicly wooing Delta.

Virginia Governor Ralph Northam Tweeted: 

“Virginia is for lovers and airline hubs.”

Kathy Hochul, the lieutenant governor of New York also Tweeted: 

“You’re welcome here any time. Move HQ to where you’re appreciated?”

Birmingham Mayor Randall Woodfin Tweeted at Delta:

“Let’s Chat.”

Careful who you threaten Georgia.

Sorry, not sorry, but former drug company executive and asshat Martin Shkreli will be held responsible for $10.4 million in financial losses when he is sentenced for defrauding investors.

U.S. District Judge Kiyo Matsumoto rejected his argument that he did not cause any losses because his investors eventually came out ahead. The ruling could mean more prison time for Shkreli, since the amount of financial loss plays a major role in federal sentencing guidelines.

Again, sorry, not sorry.

In Hypocrisy news … Kentucky Kounty Clerk Kim Davis has written a book—and I didn’t think she could even read—called Under God’s Authority: The Kim Davis Story in which Kimmy details her personal experience from the moment Kentucky’s governor ordered the state’s county clerks to issue same-sex marriage licenses, throughout her arrest and release from jail.

Former Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee calls it “a great read!”

Bigoted Franklin Graham says, “in a culture that demeans people who obediently follow Jesus, Kim Davis drew on His strength as she experienced—and endured—persecution from the culture, the court, and the crowds, and survived to tell about it all in her compelling book Under God’s Authority.”

God says “The fuck you talkin’ bout Kim? How many sanctified marriages have you had and how many spouses did you cheat on? Siddown.”

So, my boss’ son also works with us, and, well, you know how I am … the other day at work he was showing a picture of his mother to a co-worker who remarked how young Mama looked.

Son said, “When I was in high school people thought she was my girlfriend.”

I said, “Well, that’s because you went to prom with your mom.”

Son said, “I didn’t go to prom with my mom!”

I said, “Oh yeah, that was Homecoming, you went to prom with your sister.”

And I’m still employed.

Republicans are worried that former state Senator Steve Montenegro will “pull a Roy Moore” and lose a reliably red Arizona congressional seat if he wins Tuesday’s special primary election. Montenegro is running for a seat vacated by GOP Congressman Trent Franks who announced he was resigning t after the House Ethics Committee began investigating accusations of sexual harassment against him; Franks offered a staffer $5 million to carry his baby.

But Montenegro, a married minister, admitted that he had exchanged in a sexting relationship with a junior state legislative staffer for months, including receiving nude photos from the woman. The woman says those exchanges followed conversations during which Montenegro “groomed” her for an affair.

Arizona? Say No Moore to Montenegro.

Okay … to be completely honest, while I am no fan of cheating GOP ministers, Montenegro is hot.

And a palate cleanser … staring with Marcc Rose, playing Tupac in Unsolved: The Murders of Tupac and the Notorious B.I.G.. Then there’s the always adorable Chris Pine from Wonder Woman … yes, we just saw Wonder Woman. And lastly Lucien Laviscount, gosh, I love that name, it sounds like a vampire, who was the only good … shirtless … thing in a horror film called The Bye Bye Man.

Just sayin’.