Snarky Thoughts

50 Cent has stopped dogging Madonna for a moment, because his new target is a medical spa surgeon with whom he took a photograph that is now being used to advertise :::ahem:::: male enhancement procedures. The insinuation is that 50 Cent is maybe more like a Quarter and had a little work done, you know, down there. He insists :::foot stomp::: that he wasn’t a client but was just taking a picture with a fan, but the spa says that 50 received an undisclosed service and took the picture for promotional purposes in lieu of payment.

My Thought: 50 Cent couldn’t afford a Big Dick Surgery? I always thought he was a Big Dick.

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Last week Adam Levine, Maroon 5 squawker, and his wife Behati Prinsloo announced they were expecting their third child. But that news was overshadowed after Instagram model Sumner Stroh claims she had a year-long affair with Levine and then months after their affair ended Levine ALLEGEDLY DMed Sumner in June to ask that, if he and his wife had a boy, would she mind if he named the baby after her. Adam posted a denial/non-apology to his Instagram Story. He writes that he used “poor judgment” in flirting with Sumner but claims he never “crossed the line” with Sumner but he was “stupid” and “naïve.”

My Thought: Adam Levine is a mega-douche, who make not have crossed a line but I’m betting his penis did.

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As Tom Brady continues his never-ending quest to become the best quarterback the world has ever known his wife Gisele Bündchen has grown tired of waiting for him to come home to his family, and might be ready to retire as his Number One Fan and, according to sources, the two are seriously close to d-i-v-o-r-c-e.

My Thought: Tom probably doesn’t care because divorce doesn’t come with a ginormous ring and a trophy.

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Khloé Kardashian’s surrogate just gave birth to her second child with serial sperminator Tristan Thompson who also just had another baby with Maralee Nichols. And Khloé wants y’all to know that she would never “have a baby with someone who is having a baby with somebody else.” Except she did … she had her first child with Tristan whom she began dating at the same time he dumped one baby mama, and he then knocked Khloé up, and now he’s had a second child with Khloé and one with a new Baby Mama.

My Thought: There will be a Very Special Episode of Keeping Up with the Kardastrophes where Khloe explains how she had a baby with a man who was having a baby with another women … TWICE. She’s quite the example for her kids.

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And, to end on a happier note, it’s hard to believe it’s been ten years since we first saw The Hammaconda in Jon Hamm’s pants, but here we are, though now … NOW? … Hamm seems to want to dispel the myth yet again. While it has always been assumed that Jon likes to let it dangle, considering we’ve seen photographic proof of it, now Hamm is saying it ain’t so, that he has never gone out without underwear.

My Thought: If you can see that thing while he’s wearing underwear imagine what it’s like when it’s allowed to roam free!

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I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

You read about these celebrity divorces and the things they fight over … cars, homes, embryos, horse semen.

Wait, you didn’t know? It looks like William Shatner recently finalized his divorce from Emily,  his wife of eighteen years. Shatner had Emily sign a pre-nup to keep her hands off his Star Trek coins, but she’ll get some money, don’t you worry; what she won’t get, though, is the horse semen.

Shatner gets two of the former couple’s horses, Renaissance Man’s Medici and Powder River Shirley, along with two dogs, Macchiato and Double Espresso, and has asked for, and will receive, “all horse semen” and horse equipment used for breeding the animals. Elizabeth, meanwhile, got horses Belle Reve’s So Photogenic and Pebbles in the settlement, but no cum. She will get two homes, one in Malibu Cove and one is Versailles, Kentucky.

But again, the horse semen stays with Shatner.

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Over the weekend, Oprah Winfrey took her Oprah Presents Oprah’s 2020 Oprah Vision: Oprah Says Get Your Oprah Life in Oprah Focus …. Oprah, to LA and spoke to her minions about finding balance in your life––even when you are a billionaire—when it happened …

Oprah lost her balance and tumbled to the ground.

Karma, sitting in the back row, stood up and cheered.

Oprah then blamed it on her shoes, and then sent her flying monkeys out to buy a shoe factory so she could sell them at intermission and make some more coins.

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Maroon 5 performed at the Viña del Mar festival in Chile last week and it was ALLEGEDLY the worst concert ever performed by a bunch of aging wannabes. In fact, it was so awful Adam Levine, head wannabe, took to social media to apologize.

It all began when Maroon 5 was late to the performance, and two TV presenters had to kill time until they decided to show up; and then, while they, um, for lack of a better word, “performed” She Will Be Loved the audience started singing along and Adam got all pissy and shrieked, er, sang … I kid, I mean shrieked:

“Well, if you want to do my job, go ahead.”

After his tantrum and the pitiful performance, Levine apologized in an Instagram Story, blaming it all on sound issues—meaning, he knows the band sounds bad—saying:

“I’d really like to address reactions to the concert and kind of explain myself because I feel like you guys deserve that You know, being in a band you play a lot of shows and I am so passionate and excited about concerts and about being my best and about the band being our best, and being our best for you guys, honestly, you know. Performing I take so seriously. Sometimes too seriously. And to be totally frank, there were some things holding me back sonically last night. And I let them get to me, and it impacted how I was behaving on stage, which was unprofessional, and I apologize for that. I struggled a lot and sometimes it’s really hard for me to mask the struggle. For that, I did let you guys down and I apologize. Last night wasn’t our best and, for that, all I can say is that I’m really sorry.”

First off, be sorry for that haircut.

Second off, don’t be sorry, be gone.

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And speaking of old lady’s taking a tumble …

Madonna fell off a chair last week at Le Grand Rex in Paris and needed to be helped back up into her chair. And, because of that fall, Madonna cancelled one of her Paris shows.

Meanwhile, the chair has been sent to the rubbish bin where it sits mournfully next to Oprah’s old shoes.:

Seriously, these two broads better be careful. A broken hip is a dangerous thing.

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Model Paulina Porizkova was married to, but separated from, singer Ric Ocasek, when he passed away. And, apparently, because they were estranged, Ocasek left Paulina out of thee will and she is not taking this sitting down.

She wants his coins.

In an interview for CBS Sunday Morning, Paulina says that she felt “incredibly hurt” after being left out of Ric’s will following his sudden death in September 2019:

“I would love to be able to be sad and miss him. And not also feel this incredible hurt and betrayal. It made the grieving process really, really tricky.”

Wow. She wants to be sad and miss him, but she can’t do that without getting something in the will?

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I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

Adam Levine is leaving The Voice because he’s a pissy little loser.

There, I said it.

And despite Voice host Carson Daly trying to spin it any other way, it’s because of changes made in the show structure and how his whole team was eliminated before the finals.

Hence, pissy little loser.

The Voice introduced Live Cross Battles as a new competition feature and Adam ALLEGEDLY couldn’t handle it. In this new round, two coaches go head to head in a live song ‘battle’ by each selecting one artist from their team to go up against another team’s artist, with the singer’s decided by a viewer vote.

And so, being knocked out of the competition, Adam was forced to sit and pout while the other judge’s teams perform. And since he had no team, he let NBC know that he didn’t think he needed to be at that taping, but showed up nonetheless and was ALLEGEDLY so difficult that he wouldn’t even offer commentary on the other judges’ performers . it was all too much for the Pissy Tattooed Man and he took his ego and went home.

Bye Felicia. And goodbye to that $26 million a year you get from NBC.

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Nothing like a He Said, She Said that boils down to He having to apologize.

As is the case with singer Moby, who has had to apologize claiming in his recent memoir that he dated Natalie Portman after Portman called him out on the lie.

In his book Then It Fell Apart, Moby said he met Portman at one of his concerts when he was 33 and she was 20; he claims Portman flirted with him in his dressing room and a relationship later blossomed.

Portman, however, sees it differently; for one thing, she says she was 18 and he was a creepy 33-year-old man hitting on her:

“I was surprised to hear that he characterized the very short time that I knew him as dating because my recollection is a much older man being creepy with me when I just had graduated high school.”

At first Moby pushed back at Portman’s denial and even posted a shirtless photo of himself with his arm around her as proof, but days later, with the whole world laughing at the idea Mobman … Motalie … Portby … he backed down posted an apology.

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Kanye West is back and he’s still talking and still talking like a fool. He recently spoke with David Letterman for his Netflix series, My Next Guest Needs No Introduction With David Letterman, and talked about everything from _____ to creating his own church … or, because he’s really a Kardastrophe, it’s be Khurch … to living in a world where children can “float”.

Isn’t that the premise behind It? But I digress … after talking about all sorts of things, Kanye tells Letterman there is one thing of which he cannot speak: Drake.

See, Drake and Kanye have had social media snit fist with one another for a very long time.

Drake rapped that Kanye “flopped”. Kanye ALLEGEDLY leaked the story that Drake had a secret love child. Drake then ALLEGEDLY threatened Kanye. Kanye dragged Drake for wanting to sample a song. People say Drake said he once banged Kim Kardastrophe … and except for me, who hasn’t?

It’s all very high school girl you stole my boyfriend petty. But then Drake played the last card: he had a lawyer send Kanye a cease-and-desist letter.

Well, then, a big round of applause for Drake because he has educated us all that to shut Kanye up, just get a lawyer and send him a letter.

Now, if we could get Drake to pipe down …

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Could it be that Miranda Lambert has already burned through another husband? It looks like it …

According to sources—most likely a Nashville bartender—Lambert and her longtime husband of almost five months, Brendan McLoughlin, aren’t all newlyweds in love.

Now, it could be because the couple rarely spends any time together since Brendan is a cop in New York and Miranda does something in Nashville, and so they live “completely different lives.”

Or could it be that Miranda realized she rushed into this marriage, hot on the heels of her busting up the marriage between  Evan and Staci Felker before she dumped him?

Or is it because Miranda rushed to the altar after word spread that ex-husband Blake Shelton was close to getting married to Gwen Stefani, and so she quickly married her boyfriend of three months to beat them to the altar and now she’s all “that was dumb”.

Or maybe it’s that Miranda, who apparently wants a baby something awful, never thought that a long-distance marriage would impede getting pregnant. Does UPS ship sperm?

Whatever the reason, Miranda is now moving out of their $2 million apartment in New York and has told friends that marrying Brendan was the “biggest mistake” of her life.

And Miranda should know from mistakes; she makes them all the time. But this one may cost her a penny because rumor has it that there was no prenup.

Uh.Oh.

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Bobservations

I don’t really have a Carlos story this week, though I will say that I got him up early on a Sunday and we hit CostCo before the church crowd. That was the good news; the bad news is that “The Tasters” weren’t set up that early and Carlos couldn’t graze his way through the store.

The bestest news? We were in and out of CostCo in under twenty-five minutes—spending $368 … or $14.72 a minute—and that might have been a new World record.

As I said the other day, I didn’t watch that show, but I did see the Invention of the Fuck You Clap—as dubbed by Patton Oswalt—by Nancy Pelosi.

It made my day. But even better was Pelosi’s daughter’s explanation of the clap:

“Oh yes that clap took me back to the teen years. She knows. And she knows that you know. And frankly she’s disappointed that you thought this would work. But here’s a clap.”

And a clap back!

Sometimes heroes come in unexpected packages … like 10-year-old Cub Scout, Liam Holmes who made waves in his home town of Durham, North Carolina by taking a knee during the pledge of allegiance at a city council meeting:

“What I did was took a knee against racial discrimination, which is basically when people are mean to other people of different colors.”

And while some were angry that the boy taking a stand by taking a knee, both his father, Scott, and Durham Mayor, Steve Schewel, praised the boy:

“To the scout that expressed his conscience by kneeling, we will say we endorse and appreciate all expressions of conscience in Durham City Council.”

Liam isn’t concerned about those who disagree with his stance, and says he plans to kneel again in the future.

Funny, when the kids get it and the adults don’t, eh?

Ooh, I’m getting hot up in here … Gus Kenworthy is joining the cast of Season 9 of American Horror Story. AHS creator Ryan Murphy:

“That special moment when you realize you have an Olympic medal AND he will be playing Emma Roberts’ boyfriend on “American Horror Story” Season 9.”

Kenworthy responded on his own account:

“I guess the cat’s out of the bag … I’m  So  F**king  Shook  ILYSM [I love you so much] @mrrpmurphy ”

Gus will be a hot addition to the cast and, well, he does like to take his clothes off.

Melanie invited a little boy who shares her same last name to the Propaganda Speech the other night because the child is bullied over his name. But little Joshua Trump was unimpressed, as he fell asleep about halfway through the tossed salad of a speech.

Funny, though, that Melanie brings a bullied boy to a speech given by the biggest bully in the world.

PS Melanie doesn’t look happy …or the Botox is still that fresh.

In addition, this year marks the centenary anniversary of Congress submitting the 19th amendment—giving women the right to vote—for ratification by the states. Now, the 19th didn’t get added to the Constitution until 1920, so next year will be the big year, but … a great many Democratic women wore white to the Propaganda Speech.

Sadly, because the only white they wear is probably hoods and sheets, Melanie and Ivanka both wore black.

Note, however, that Tiffany wore white, which is why Daddy rarely speaks of her.

Maroon 5’s Adam Levine—or as I call it Moron 5—went shirtless at the Super Bowl yesterday in a thirsty attempt to use his nipples to get some attention for what was called the worst half-time show ever, viewers were quick to draw comparisons to Janet’s single nipple and the brouhaha that ensued.

Michael Powell, the Chair of the Federal Communications Commission [FCC], was called before the Senate to discuss the nipple; NFL Vice President Joe Browne said that his organization was “extremely disappointed” in the nipple; then-First Lady Laura Bush said children shouldn’t be subjected to seeing the nipple; CBS was fined $550,000 by the FCC, although a court later overturned that fine; and Janet apologized for the nipple … though Justin Timberlake did not.

Different rules for men, apparently.

PS The Chipotle bag wore it better.

The Sheridan School, a K-8 in Northwest  Washington, DC, recently sent a letter home to parents saying that its students will no longer be playing sports at Immanuel Christian, the school where second lady Karen “Mother” Pence teaches because of its anti-LGBTQ policies because some of its students felt unsafe visiting the other school:

“As  we talked more, we understood that some students did not feel safe entering a school that bans LGBTQ parents, students or even families that support LGBTQ rights. Forcing our children to choose between an environment in which they feel unsafe or staying home was not an option. So we decided that we would invite ICS to play all of the games at Sheridan. Since ICS declined our offer to host, we will only play our home games and will not go to ICS to play.”

Loverly!

And finally … steaming hot 23-year-old French model and fitness trainer Killian Belliard.

Killian studied Law but never really practiced, choosing instead to take off his shirt, among other articles of clothing, asleep with men, shop in the nude, and treat us to his body.

“Merci beaucoup, homme chaud. Puis-je vous emmener au lit et faire l'amour avec vous. Mes lombes sont en feu.”

Just sayin’ … er, Juste en disant.

Tuesday Thought # 2

Random Musings

First up ... congrats to Violet Chachki for winning RuPaul's Drag Race this season.

I was late to Team Violet, but after her lipsync, and strip show, on the finale, all I could say was ...

YASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.

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Here’s a little update on Steward Butler, the former running back for the Marshall University football team, who was arrested last month and charged with battery after beating a gay couple because they were :::gasp::: kissing in public—see my post HERE.

He was just indicted on felony state charges of violating the civil rights of the two victims … say it with me, Hate Crime. 

Right after his arrest Butler was dismissed from Marshall's football team, and now he faces jail time.

Let me make this queer: people kiss on the street, even gay people.

GET OVER IT!

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Speaking of men kissing … last week a video appeared of Justin Bieber riding his little skateboard aboard his private jet, and stopping for a moment to give a peck on the cheek to Mikey Arana, his male bodyguard. And, of course, people freaked: Is Justin gay?

Well, to his credit — and Hell must be getting a few degrees cooler if I’m complimenting The Biebs — Justin said:

“I’m not gay, but even if I was that’s not an insult.”

Oh, and the kiss? It was like a little boy kissing his father Good Night.

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Rick Perry is throwing his hat into the GOP Clown Car this week, and Bobby Jindal and Jeb Bush will be trying to climb in later this month; they ought to think about getting a GOP Clown Bus.

But, speaking of Perry,  under indictment as we speak, wouldn’t it be something if he won the GOP nomination the very same day he was found guilty of abuse of official capacity, a first-degree felony, for threatening to veto $7.5 million in funding for the Public Integrity Unit, a state public corruption prosecutors department, and found guilty of coercion of a public servant, a third-degree felony, for seeking the resignation of Travis County District Attorney Rosemary Lehmberg, after she was convicted of drunk driving, and incarcerated.

He could be the nominee and be sentenced to jail on the same day.

Now that’d be fun!

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Apparently Adam Levine bared his ass in a new video because the music isn’t good enough to stand on its own and he's extra thirsty.

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Pride month, or months, is here, and all kinds of folks are celebrating with us … like Maytag and Adidas and Converse.

Could you have imagined this even five years ago?

[Maytag, Adidas, Converse] 

So, we began watching Aquarius last week — though the reviews were unkind — and we found it kinda slow, but kinda interesting.

Of course, it doesn’t hurt that it stars a couple of hot guys — not Duchovny who could use a sit-up or 1,000 — but Grey Damon and Gethin Anthony. Man, even their names are hot … but I digress. 

Damon plays the new breed of cop, kinda Serpico-esque for my older readers, while Anthony plays Charles Manson. Hot hot hot.

I do have an issue with Anthony’s Manson because he’s more hot that psychopath, and they are playing up the gossip that Charlie Manson loved the dudes as much as he loved the ladies, and apparently liked having sex with a girl and her daddy … though not at the same time.

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Meanwhile, back at Pride … Indiana Governor Asshat, er, Mike Pence has issued his first ever LGBT Pride proclamation welcoming residents and visitors to Indianapolis' Pride Celebrations.

Strangely enough, though, Pence makes absolutely no mention of LGBT people, sexuality or gender identity in his letter; in fact, the words 'gay,' 'lesbian,' 'bisexual,' or 'transgender' aren't included anywhere.

Mike needs to rethink Pride. And then sit down and be quiet until his term in office in up.

Then go away.

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Hannibal returns tonight on NBC, and I am so ready. I love the operatic gruesomeness of the show, and the creepy, almost too-icky-for-TV quality. It really is like nothing that network TV has shown before.

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Diana Ross is on Twitter y’all. Diva. Icon. And, from my own personal experience, a lovely dance partner. Diana.Ross.Is.On.Twitter! That is all.

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