Why Is It ...

… that no one ever told me rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive

… that people don’t realize the biggest joke on mankind is that computers are now asking us to prove we aren’t robots.

… that while money can’t buy happiness it’s easier to cry in a BMW than on a bicycle.

…that people need to know that if they have a problem with me they can always call me, but if you don’t have my number you clearly don’t know me well enough to have a problem

… that Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant but we’re trying for world peace.

… that when a co-worker muttered something about profanity being low class, all I could think to say was, “Apologies, my good bitch, but what seems to be the fuck?”

… that sometimes it blows my mind to realize that I was the most qualified sperm

… that sometimes you have to keep forgiving them while searching for someone to replace them; it’s called elimination by substitution

… that one minute you’re young and the next you have a favorite pharmacy

… that people should learn that self-care isn’t always chocolate and Netflix, sometimes it’s getting out of bed and doing more difficult tasks like summoning a demon to help with the dishes or finding the right number of chickens to appease the thing that lives in the attic

Why Is It ...

… that even though I can tell who is real and who is fake, I love watching a fake person’s acting skills.

… that everyone hates math until they get their paycheck and suddenly they all know calculus.

… that when people text me "Where you at” I always look around for a minute before I lie.

… that it doesn’t matter if you’re ugly or beautiful, at the end of the day it’s evening.

… that mind is like a web browser; 21 tabs are open, 3 are frozen and I have no idea where the music is coming from.

… that people need to learn that when I say “I’ll call you later,” I mean later in life, not later today.

… that while I know I swear a lot ... [A] I am sorry ... [B] I’ll watch my mouth from now on ... [C] A & B are lies ... [D] You can fuck off.

… that while I am trying to stop being mean, y’all need to stop being stupid first.

… thatI have been told that I am going to Hell for my excessive use of the F-word, but I have rented a bus if any of you fuckers want a ride.

Why Is It ...

... that these days I feel the need to move a lot of people from the VIP section of my life and put them in general admission?

… that when one door closes, another one opens, and then closes, and then opens … it’s the fridge. It’s me in front of the fridge.

… that I feel like I’d be a much better person if I didn’t have to do it every day?

… that most I’m like my computer. I don’t know if I should sleep, shut down, or restart?

… that I feel like my superpower is the ability to pick the grocery checkout line that immediately becomes the slowest line?

… that I think of my mouth as a filter … coffee goes in and sarcasm comes out.

… that when people ask if I am a cat person or a dog person, all I can say is that I am not a people person?

… that when I say “the other day” it can be anytime between yesterday and my birth?

… that nothing refreshes my memory about what I need from the grocery store more than coming home from the grocery store?

… that one day I was driving down the road and I saw my ex and suddenly the phrase “I’d hit that” took on an entirely different meaning?

Random Musings

Our computer is once again acting the fool, so they may be some glitches in posting and commenting … and forewarned is forearmed.

Yeah, I don’t know what that has to do with a computer crash, but I thought I’d say it anyway.

A couple of weeks back — as Spring-like weather, hell, almost Summer-like weather, hit Smallville — I got my first Winter cold. Yes, always a step behind, that’s me.

But I soldiered on and I got through it because that’s how I roll. Then Carlos got the Winter-Spring-Summer cold, and, well, as much as I love him, I have a hard time playing nurse to a sick Princess so …

I posted an ad on Facebook:

Free to a Good Home: My husband, Carlos … who has the sniffles, because, well, ain't nobody got time for that!

I got lots of ‘Likes’ but no ‘Takers,’ which, I guess is kinda good because he’s feeling better now.

I am over those ABC ads for the Diane Sawyer interview with Bruce Jenner where they photograph him in shadow like he’s some kind of corporate spy squealing on The Man.

It reeks of a Maury Povich “Are you the father” piece of crap and Sawyer and ABC should be, should be, better than that.

[photo source]

Speaking of better than that … Tennessee? WTF?

The state’s House of Representatives have just passed a bill making The Bible the “official” state book because, well, Tennessee likes to look as crazy as possible.

And we have one man, a Republican, of course, Jerry Sexton to thank for that:

"History's going to tell us where we stand on this. I'm grateful to have the opportunity to have the side that I'm on. It may be kind to me in the future and it may not be kind, and that's OK. I made a decision for today and I feel good about it."

Well, good for you Jerry, that you’re happy, but did you think once about any people in Tennessee who don’t believe in your Bible, or any Bible, or are you just giving a giant Middle Finger to anyone who doesn’t agree with you or thinks that Separation of Church and State means SEPARATION????

[photo source]

A couple of vacation notes …

We’re off … finally … for our trip to Miami the last week of April.

I was ready for some sun and surf and Cuban coffee and sammiches the last time … until the trip was cancelled at the last second. Fingers crossed.

Also, there is a chance we’ll be headed up to Cambridge over the summer. I have never been up that way before and am looking forward to that trip if all goes well. Fingers crossed again.

The GOP Clown Car just picked up another passenger …

Rumor has it that Ben Carson will announce on May 4th that he wants to be the next President of the United Sates of America.

Oh, and he doesn't like gay people, same-sex marriage, but he’s keen on using the Bible as a weapon of discrimination.

Add that to the fact that he’s never held political office anywhere and, well, he’s just about perfect … for the Clown Car.

[photo source]

I know … I know … there are lots of good, really good, police officers out there, but with this latest rash of police shootings, and of officers running down suspected criminals with their patrol cars, just makes me think we need to reboot what it means to be a member of law enforcement these days.

And it’s a good thing the GOP Clown Car has bench seating, because now it looks like New Jersey Governor Chris Christie is ready for his shot at the White House, too.

I cannot wait for the first time he goes off on a reporter or a constituent or a woman who cuts in front of him while in line at Chipotle.

Should be fun … especially considering that, right now, Krispy Kreme is polling in the single digits among likely Republican voters.

[photo source]

Oh, and one more …

When Marco Rubio was announcing that he was announcing an announcement that he would announce a run at the White House, his Twitter feed took on an air of an HOB show, Game of Thrones … because nothing says intelligent viable campaign start like ripping off a TV program.

Hillary Clinton has hired openly gay Robby Mook to be a campaign advisor as she makes her bid for the White House.

I like the idea, because I like Hillary, and Robby is totally adorable and I’m shallow like that. 

[photo source]

Weddings and Cocktails and Birthdays ... Oh My!

I’m back!

Gosh it seems like I was off-blog for two days! 

Two days! 

It felt like a stint in rehab, so now I know what Lohan goes through. And I also see that no one managed to pick up a broom and clean up while I was gone. Would it have killed anyone to run a vacuum through the place for me?

Okay … I’ll be fine. And happy, too, knowing that the computer issue that stopped me cold in my tracks was really not that big a problem at all, and fixed by the nice folks at PC Medic in a couple of hours. Then it was back home, fired up and ready for action …

So, what’s been happening around here since I’ve been gone? Well, first things first, today is my birthday — and, no, I don‘t mean my blog birthday I mean the actual days I came slip-sliding out into the world just phumpity-phump-phump short years ago.

And, seeing that I lived yet another year, Carlos made plans to wine me and dine me last Saturday night, until we got The News a week ago Sunday. The News was that our dear friends, and former Round-The-Way-Gays — they are now the Further-Round-The-Way-Gays — David and Neal had decided to get married on the 24th after :::gasp::: a mere 31 years as a couple. Why the rush, I wanted to say, but, thankfully kept my mouth shut.

We have a mutual friend, Chuck, who is a licenses minister and he longed to perform the marriage ceremony for David and Neal and those two crazy kids were just gonna dash up to Chuck and Jeannie’s house and tie the knot all secretive and such. Then another friend, John, heard about that and suggested David and Neal get married is his and his husband Toby’s — they married last October 24th — backyard. It would be just a handful of people, until John began calling friends and inviting people and keeping it a secret.

It turned out to be about twenty or so friends and family who witnessed the wedding — making it my second same-sex wedding, though I never actually believed I’d ever see even one. There was champagne and red wine and white wine and champagne and then thankfully food and fun and cake and pictures and just a fabulous, fun, friendly, family day.

Congratulations David and Neal.

After the party, Carlos and I headed off to dinner at a local restaurant with a view of downtown Columbia and the river, to pre-celebrate the Day Of My Birth. And there was more wine and more martinis and pastas and a killer stacked salads and a delish Key Lime Pie for dessert. And the company of the sweetest man I’ve ever met. We don’t get out to nice diners — just the two of us — very often—so it was just a great evening sitting with Carlos and chatting with Carlos and laughing with Carlos and drinking martoonies with Carlos.

Of course, as happens, Sunday came around and the first thing I did was put my slippers on the wrong feet, so either I am officially old — and who said thirty was old? — or I was still reeling from champ-wine-tooni night. Luckily the computer was still ill because I doubt I’d have been able to slap together a concise yet cogent sentence — as if I’ve ever done that — about anything at all.

So, that was the weekend, with fun, and fury, and fun, and now here I am, thinking of cutting myself open to count he rings and see how old I actually am …

… I think it’s somewhere between forty and death.

Uh Oh--UPDATE 1/25/2015 Updated 1/26/2015

Computer ills ... and y'all know that I know so much about computers.
Back soon.

1/25/2015: Tommorrow the computer gets checked into the Hospital to see what ails her.
Hopefully, it's an easy fix and then I'll be back.. Until then .... play nice!

1/26/2015: It's fixed. T'was nothing major, and I'll be back a'blogging in the AM!

Random Musings

This will be my last post.............

.....on this ridiculously obnoxious and slow-moving,m Fred Flintstone craptop, er, laptop. Our computer will be home today, hopefully better than ever and this craptop will be relegated back to the closet where it stays in case of emergency.

I am thrilled. I spent a few minutes on the phone with Carlos yesterday ranting about this thing, and going all Mario Cantone/Bette Davis on him:

"It's. A piece. Of. Crap."

And it is, but, well, i guess that, without it, I might not have been blogging at all this week, so......

Yeah, it's still a piece of crap.

I've been watching HGTV Design Star: All Stars, aka We Don't Have Any New Programming. I've only been watching because of Dan Vickery and Tom Vecchione. Dan was asked to pack his swatches and go home this week, so that made me mad. But then there was Tom in a nice pair of jeans and a tight sweater, and there he was again all suited up, so, all is good.

I'm shallow like that.

Joe Biden said the R/R's would "unchain" Wall Street and pout us all--the Middle Class--back in chains, and the GOP went nuts. See post from earlier today. But then Meghan McCain weighed in, too, and while I usually like her, this time she worked my last nerve. She called Joe Biden a "crazy grampa" and, well, I think Meghan ought to take a look at her family and spot the Crazy Grampa there before she goes name-calling.

In  Missouri, voters have approved of something they are calling "Right To Pray" because, you know, prayer is not allowed in this country. Or at least that's what the people of Missouri think, which makes me wanna pray that they get a chance to see the Wizard about a brain.

But I digress.

Part of this new "law" will allow students to refuse to be taught evolution.

I see Missouri's future and it doesn't evolve at all.

I love this.

A music group called the Silversun Pickups have issued a cease-and-desist order to the Mittsy campaign, asking them, well, ordering them, to stop using their song "Panic Switch" at Mittsy events. 

Their statement read, in part, "We don't like people going behind our backs, using our music without asking, and we don't like the Romney campaign."

Suh-nap.

Mittsy's spokesbot, of course, immediately responded that using the song was just an accident.

Sheesh, is everyone involved ion that campaign an unrepentant liar?

Kelsey Grammer is moaning that he didn't get an Emmy nomination for his roll on the Starz channel's "Boss" TV show. And he says it's because Emmy voters don't like the fact that he's a Republican.

I think maybe they don't know that Grammer has a new show. Starz? Really? Or, maybe, they just don't think as highly of Kelsey Grammer as Kelsey Grammer does.

Last week, when I was flying from Seattle to Charlotte, I got my usual window seat. I rarely get up from my seat while flying so I don't bother folks by climbing over them, and I hate having people climb over me, so a window seat is the best option. Plus, I can lay my head against the wall and take a nice long nap.

When my row-mates arrived I was looking out the window and heard this very, very rural accent saying to me, "Hi! We're in here, too. I hope ya don't mind a couple of fat people sitting next to you."

And because I inevitably pick the wrong thing to say, I answered, "I'm just glad I got a seat."

I know! Socially inept much?

But this woman began telling me all about her life in the hills of West Virginia, and her church, and her husband's stroke, and how they both wear hearing aids and doesn't that young girl look just like their granddaughter and how they're staying the night in Charlotte because it's a four-hour drive back to Butcher Holler and they didn't want to bother asking anyone from church to drive them to and from the airport and the Days Inn has a lovely Continental breakfast every morning and.....

You get the picture.

So, when she finally turned the  conversation from her to me, I was ready to snap. And when she asked what my wife did for a living I was ready to tell her all about my "wife."

"Well," I began, "HE just started a job at a counseling center that works with alcoholics and drug addicts and he works with the Hispanic community in our country as an HIV educator and an HIV/AIDS counselor."

And she looked at me and said, "Well that sound fascinating. How does he like it?"

I really need to stop judging a book by it's cover.

And it's accent.

What's on YOUR MIND?

Just For Giggles: So .... THAT'S How It's Done.....

Funny Link