I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

So, Katherine Heigl’s new political thriller — that I kind of think of as Homeland without great scripts or great acting — State of Affairs premiered last Monday to so-so reviews and so-so ratings; it was solidly bested by Gotham,  a much better show in my mind. But this isn’t about he soon to crash-and-burn Heigl experiment, but about Heigl herself.

During the press tour she had to answer all kinds of questions about her Grey’s Anatomy diva behavior — she left the show because she thought she was bigger than TV … cut to a few years later and look who’s back on the tube — and the fact that she talked smack about Shonda Rimes, creator of Grey's. Shonda hasn’t been a fan since Heigl removed herself from Emmy consideration in 2008 because she felt Shonda’s scripts weren’t good enough to be Emmy-worthy.

I know, bitch, right?

So, when the news broke that Heigl was back on TV Rimes was asked about the differences between Grey's Anatomy and Scandal, and she said:

“There are no Heigls in this situation… I don’t put up with bullshi–t or nasty people. I don’t have time for it.” 

Now Heigl is playing the Pity Card, though she’s not denying she was a raging diva, and she wants to make up with Shonda, so here’s her mea culpa:

“I am sorry that [Shonda] feels that way and I wish her nothing but greatness and I have nothing negative to say about [her]. I’m a big fan of her work. I watch Scandal every week and so I’m sorry she’s left with such a crappy impression of me. I wish I could do something to change that. Maybe I will be able to someday.”

Howsabout just stop being a diva and stop pissing people off with your holier-than-thou attitude and maybe then people will stop thinking ill of you.

Failing that, just keep quiet, and keep the want ads handy; you’re gonna need ‘em.

Jaden and Willow Smith. Is it any surprise that, with parents like theirs, who are less parents and more sidekick, these two aren’t more idiotic? See, it seems the Smith kids gave an interview to the New York Times’ T Magazine and were all kinds of crazy and delusional. Let’s listen in …

Willow says she’s reading Quantum Physics, while Jaden is reading “The Ancient Secret of the Flower of Life and ancient texts; to that end, they were asked what they think about time:

WILLOW: I mean, time for me, I can make it go slow or fast, however I please, and that’s how I know it doesn’t exist.

JADEN: It’s proven that how time moves for you depends on where you are in the universe. It’s relative to beings and other places. But on the level of being here on earth, if you are aware in a moment, one second can last a year. And if you are unaware, your whole childhood, your whole life can pass by in six seconds. But it’s also such a thing that you can get lost in.

Then T Magazine asked about their music and how they’ve gotten better over the years:

WILLOW: Caring less what everybody else thinks, but also caring less and less about what your own mind thinks, because what your own mind thinks, sometimes, is the thing that makes you sad.

JADEN: Exactly. Because your mind has a duality to it. So when one thought goes into your mind, it’s not just one thought, it has to bounce off both hemispheres of the brain. When you’re thinking about something happy, you’re thinking about something sad. When you think about an apple, you also think about the opposite of an apple. It’s a tool for understanding mathematics and things with two separate realities. But for creativity: That comes from a place of oneness. That’s not a duality consciousness. And you can’t listen to your mind in those times — it’ll tell you what you think and also what other people think

And that bit of gibberish lead to the topic of school and education—remember that Will and Jada built a Scientology-based school for their kids to attend but when it went broke, well, education over:

JADEN: Here’s the deal: School is not authentic because it ends. It’s not true, it’s not real. Our learning will never end. The school that we go to every single morning, we will continue to go to.

WILLOW: Forever, ‘til the day that we’re in our bed.

JADEN: Kids who go to normal school are so teenagery, so angsty.

WILLOW: They never want to do anything, they’re so tired.

And then Jaden, well, went all badly home-schooled:

JADEN: You never learn anything in school. Think about how many car accidents happen every day. Driver’s ed? What’s up? I still haven’t been to driver’s ed because if everybody I know has been in an accident, I can’t see how driver’s ed is really helping them out.

The one question that perhaps was never asked, and perhaps should have been the first question out of the interviewer’s mouth, is, “Where the hell are your parents?”

Off of stupid kids, and on to stupid adults … Gwyneth Paltrow.

She’s a cold bitch whose face is so heavily Botoxed — or whatever kumbaya poison she uses to keep her skin taut and plastic — that it's hard to tell exactly how she feels about her consciously uncoupled husband being with, not being with, and then being with Jennifer Lawrence, and how that makes Goop’s world crumble.

While Paltrow is known for her strict veggie diet and strict healthy lifestyle, it appears that those in the know say that when she discovered her ex-husband, Chris Martin had gotten back together with JLaw, she threw all that out the window and started chain-smoking like some 50s housewife scorned!

The “meltdown” happened on Halloween after Jennifer was spotted at Chris’ Malibu home, and, on her way to a photo shoot, Gwyneth was so on edge she started smoking and even begged her driver to stop for a drink so she could calm her nerves.

An insider — and it’s either Pomegranate or Bathsheba — says, “She was a mess all day.”

She even began maniacally texting Chris and making plans to single-white-female JLaw.

Cigarettes and booze is a slippery slope; next thing you know, Goopy will be snorting bath salts and drinking drain cleaner.

Just sayin’.

Kirk Cameron, beloved TV star from our childhood and now devout evangelical loon, has some important words for you women out there: Get in the kitchen because it’s where you belong.

“If you are a mom, if you are a wife, if you’re the keeper of your home, I want you to know that your joy is so important this Christmas. Because Christmas is about joy and if the joy of the Lord is your strength, remember, the joy of the mom is her children’s strength, so don’t let anything steal your joy. If you let your joy get stolen, it will sap your strength. Let your children, your family, see your joy in the way that you decorate your home this Christmas, in the food that you cook, the songs you sing, the stories you tell, and the traditions that you keep. Invite your whole neighborhood into your Christmas, and invite the world into our story of our king and his kingdom.”

Kirk Cameron steals my joy every time he opens his bassackwards yap.

Back to Goop and her suggestions for Christmas, and, no, I don’ think she wants y’all to buy a bottle of Jack and a carton of Marlboro’s; that’s her special gift to herself.

Here’s what she thinks are the hot, must-have Christmas buys:

$30 Furby

$10 friendship bracelet kit

$4,739 Easy Health Angel Juicer Gold—yes, it’s actually gold!

$4,545 Valentino Canvas Trolley—you know, one of those rolling suitcases

$12,000 Diamond Thickie Esque vase

$495 St. Louis Scully & Scully crystal glasses—they’re $95 each

$1,500 Hermes Avalon blanket

$2,614 Balenciaga New Classic Biker Jacket

$1,995 for a single Anita Ko safety pin earring

$7,600 Cartier bracelet

A Harry Winston diamond cluster ring—price on request

$1,495 Arthur Umanoff bar cart

$3,190 The Row Rina Fringed Cashmere Cape

You can head over to Goop — and why wouldn’t you — to read all about how Paltrow feels about these trinkets, place your order and then write your check for $43,678 — it’ll be more with the Harry Winston Ring of course — and have yourself a merry little Christmas.

I like that Paltrow wants to help out all the Moms with their Christmas shopping.

She’s one of us, you know.

Kendall Jenner was recently hired as the face of Estee Lauder and gave an interview about her fabulous career:

“I’m not trying to use a family name or anything. In reality I worked pretty hard for this … It wasn’t like I just got it magically and it just happened.”

Um, Kendall, I’m’a need you to take a seat and let me school you. No one would know you from Kendall Jackson if your older sister hadn’t laid on her back, pointed her heels to Jesus and let Ray J mount her like a rutting pig; without that there’s be no Keeping Up With The Kardastrophes, and without that there’s be no Kendall Jenner who got an Estee Lauder contract based on merit.

If you’re Kendall Jenner from Akron, Ohio, whose Mom was a teacher and whose dad worked in a bank, you’d be living in a fifth-floor walk-up trying to break into Model’s Inc.

Stop fronting.

Meanwhile, Anna Wintour has defended her decision to put Kendall’s sister, porn star, Kim Kardastrophe and her lunatic husband Kanye West on the cover of Vogue this year, but says it in the most typical Wintour fashion ... with a heavy does of shade.

While at the Metropolitan Museum of Art in New York this week she said:

“I think if we just remain deeply tasteful and just put deeply tasteful people on the cover, it would be a rather boring magazine!”

See, she’s a panderer, putting the scourge of the Earth on her magazine to sell copies and keep her on her perch above it all.

Kim Kardashian? Deeply tasteful? Maybe to Ray J.

This week on Today Matt Lauer sat down with boyband One Direction to discuss their upcoming album Four. And oddly enough, there were just four of them on the set that day because Zayn Malik was a no-show for their appearance and performance.

Of course, being the stealth journalist that he is, when he isn’t schtupping his co-workers or getting them fired, Lauer asked where Zayn was, and Liam Payne said his cohort had a, ahem, “tummy bug” and couldn’t make the trip.

Naturally that lead Lauer into investigative journalist mode, because he began asking about how “sick” Zayn actually is, and implying that he’s actually at home with a case of the drug problems.

Oh yes he did.

“There’s obviously a lot of concern, a lot of fans have been tweeting overnight. There’s been a lot of action on social media about him. Is it something more serious than just a minor illness? There have been rumors of substance abuse. What’s going on?”

Once again, Liam stressed that Zayn was at home sick while the rest of One Direction — all three of the Ones — sat there in awkward silence. And Zayn, who wasn’t too sick to turn on the telly, caught the interview and unleashed a torrent of Lauer Loathing of the, ahem, “news” man.

“I’m really angry and upset by what was said on the Today show. I was really ill at the weekend, that’s why I couldn’t fly to America. I was gutted to have to miss album release day, but I’m going to be back as soon as I can. As soon as I’m feeling better I’m going to join the guys and carry on with the promotion for the album.”

Who to believe? The pompous newsman looking for a ratings grab since GMA is regularly trouncing Today, or the wee pop star who may have been too high to fly … on a plane.

I fall into the ‘Who cares’ category but just posted this story for y’all.

More Kim K? M’kay.

This might not be true, but it’s funny and involves Dame Angelina Jolie — whom I adore — so I’m treating it as gospel.’

Angelina is doing a worldwide press tour for her upcoming film Unbroken and was in Sydney, Australia this week. It was a huge event, some of the actors were there, plus Brad, and Angelina even invited the Aussie crew plus Australian WWII veterans to attend.

Cut to Kim Kardashian, who was also in Australia to promote herself, her perfume, her ass, her fat ass on a magazine cover, something, and she wanted to go to the premiere because, well, Angelina and Brad, except … Angelina banned her!

According to the article Kim ‘begged for tickets to the Unbroken premiere’ and ‘desperately tried to arrange a get-together with Brad and Angie’ but that ‘Angie’s people told Kim to buzz off and that Angie didn’t want to socialise with Kim or do a photo op in Australia with her. Kim was crushed.’

Perhaps that’s what it would take to deflate that ass … and her giant butt.

Now, as I said, I don’t know if it’s true, but I’d like to believe it is, and if it is, I love Jolie even more.

I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

Johnny Weir and his husband Victor Voronov are back on … again.

Let's recap: they were together until February when they had a nasty split, and then they got back together in March, only to break up again in April and then find their way back to love again in May. Wonder what next month holds? 

Anyway, Johnny posted this to Twitter:

"My husband and I have reconciled. Please respect our privacy and integrity at this time.”

Integrity? Now that’s funny.

Stephen Baldwin, the craziest Baldwin brother, which is quite a feat unto itself, was arrested in Manhattan last week for driving with a suspended license and having an expired temporary registration sticker.

Baldwin was stopped last Friday morning by a cop who noticed the expired Texas registration on his vehicle; Texas registration on a car owned by a man who does not live in Texas? That's so Baldwin. But, when the police officer asked to see his license, he handed over the exact same suspended license that got him arrested two years ago!

Did I say he was the craziest Baldwin? I meant the dumbest, and again that’s saying something.

Last summer, Dawn Noel was hired as a dancer for Britney Spears. “Work Bitch” video which could have been a big deal had Britney not broken Dawn's nose. So, now she’s suing Brit and throwing shade, as well.

Noel is saying that when Spears arrived at rehearsal she was in a “disheveled and confused state” which I would think meant she was Britney looking like your regular every day Pork Rind Eatin’ Britney, but I digress; Noel also says Spears had “difficulty executing even basic moves” and that when they were dancing side-by-side, Britney twirled, tipped over and snacked Dawn in the face. Dawn says it was the Nose Crack Heard ‘Round the World but Britney only muttered an “I’m sorry” and went back to dancing.

Dawn, though, left rehearsal and went to the doctor who told her that Britney’s slap had fractured her nasal bone and she would need surgery, so, naturally, Dawn is now suing Spears because the Brit Team promised to pay for the nasal reconstruction but never did.

It all seems kinda weird, because everyone knows that since Britney’s meltdown, her dancing has mostly consisted of her gyrating in one place, moving to another place and gyrating some more. And, everyone knows Britney doesn’t talk unless one of her handlers tells her what to say, so that whole “I’m sorry” thing was probably from an assistant.

I wouldn’t know Avril Lavigne if she walked into my home right now, and I wouldn’t know her music  if someone popped in an 8-track of hers in my car, so I don’t get this story.

See, I just learned that this Avril person, when on tour with her ‘music’, charges her fans — and that part makes me giggle because, well, fans — some $400 for a meet-and-greet; now that 400 doesn’t include the price of the concert ticket, though I think the concert ticket is included with your Happy Meal so, yeah.

At any rate, the meet-and-greet comes with a stipulation: do not touch Avril Lavigne EVER! And those up there are pictures to prove it; the fans look thrilled to meet Avril who looks like a wax figure of Avril Lavigne.

Now, contrast this with a Kelly Clarkson post-concert meet-and-greet. Kelly loves to let her fans touch her and, in fact, it’s usually Kelly doing all the touching and having fun.

And you don’t shell out four C-notes for the privilege, either.

I was gonna post something about the latest Willow Smith controversy. You know, the one where the thirteen-year-old girl was photographed lying on a bed next to a shirtless twenty-year-old Moises Arias.

Now, it wasn't a promo for a TV show, or movie, or album; it was just this little girl lying on a bed with a grown-assed man while her parents were anywhere but where they might supervise her.

But that's the M.O. for her, for lack of a better word, ‘parents,’ Will and Jada Closeted Gays Pinkett Smith. They have made it clear that they have a hands-off parenting style that basically means their children get to do whatever they want whenever they want—which is similar to what they teach at the Church of Scientology of which Will swears he is not a member.

Arias, who posted the photo to Twitter and then instantly deleted it, says he thinks of Willow as his “little sister” and considers The Smiths his “second family.” And Willow isn’t talking, though her mother, who was nowhere near that, um photo shoot, Jada, is speaking:

“Here’s the deal. There was nothing sexual about that picture or that situation. You guys are projecting your trash onto it. And you’re acting like covert pedophiles and that’s not cool.”

In Jada’s mind, letting a thirteen-year-old girl lie in bed with a grown man is our problem, not hers, but then she was out of town while this was going on..

That Madonna, still begging for attention on Instagram.

You know, she flashed her hairy pits once, showed herself cleaning her bathroom with her tongue, calling vegetables gay or calling her son the n-word because, oh hell, because she’s desperate for attention.

But this week, when she was a no-show at the Met Ball, tongues began wagging as to why Madge didn’t show. I mean, no one loves being the center of attention more than an aging diva, so Madonna posted a kinda NSFW picture to her Instagram account showing her bare breasts all wrapped up in straps, with the caption:

“What i wanted to wear to Met Ball but Anna said Not this year! So I’m gonna work on music instead?#artforfreedom.”

That photo there is the censored version Madge also provided for the millions of people around the world have no interest in her nipples.

So, did Anna tell Madonna, who wiggled her bare ass at last year’s ball to tone it down and did Madonna retaliate by posting that picture or, as I said, is it just a case of Desperately Seeking Attention, Part 17?

More Brit? Well, actually Daddy Brit.

See, Britney’s daddy, Jamie Spears, had a real job before Britney became famous and he kept at it, even when his wife went all Hollywood as Brit’s momager. But Jamie stepped forward when Britney went crazy in 2007 and was named her conservator and that’s how it’s been for the last six years.

Rumor has it that Jamie is the one making all the decisions, and finagling ways to make her lifer seem normal. Apparently, the only reason Brit’s allowed to be alone with her children is because Jamie Spears and Kevin Federline have come to an agreement about custody, and the whole time Britney was engaged, well, both times, Jamie was running the show.

And now, after six years on the job Jamie wants a raise and has taken his case to court.

He has petitioned for more money as compensation for serving as his daughter’s conservator and the co-conservator of her estate. Right now he gets a $16,000 per month “allowance” plus an additional $2,000 a month to pay for an office space.

Now he wants money from Atara Tours, Inc. for the services he provides Britney during her stint at Planet Hollywood because he believes doing that work is above and beyond his 16k monthly allowance. And so he wants 1.5% of the gross revenues — tickets and merchandise — from each and every show because, yeah, Crazy Daughter said I could.

Boy, he kinda makes Will and Jada look like model parents.

Rumor has it that Mariah Carey is ready to pull the plug on her marriage to perennial joke Nick Cannon.

Things ALLEGEDLY went south after Nick released his controversial new “comedy” album White People Party Music and then talked about banging Kim Kardastrophe while promoting it; he also let slip some details of his — wait, I need to stop gagging — sex life with Mariah.

Still, the only thing holding Mariah back are her worries that Nick, who is best known as some second-rate Ryan Seacrest on a third-rate talent show, might want a hefty portion of Mariah’s $515 million dollar fortune as a payout for staying married to her for six years.

Yeah, I’d say $250 million is compensation enough for being Carey’s lackey.

Katherine Heigl hasn’t had a job in years, unless you count going on Kickstarter to ask people to donate to her new movie because she doesn’t make any money, or suing Duane Reade because they Tweeted a picture of her coming out of a Duane Reade.

But now, inexplicably, NBC has decided Heigl should return to television — the medium she left years ago because she was a star and TV was for losers.

NBC announced Tuesday that Heigl will star and executive produce a new CIA drama called State of Affairs which Heigl describes as Scandal meets The West Wing.

Funny, I thought Scandal was Scandal meets The West Wing.

Howsabout a little Miley?

It seems that little Miss Cyrus, still recovering from her allergic reaction to antibiotics and not a drug overdose, is refusing to go on The Voice because she hates Christina Aguilera. Hmm, I guess no one told Miley that Christina isn’t on the show this year, or, maybe, Miley had an allergic reaction to brain function.

Still, Miley says she will never do the show because, even with Christina away while she’s pregnant, the show is still Christina’s and Miley wants no part of it because, ALLEGEDLY, Miley didn’t like that Christina tweeted a shout-out about something she wore during a concert in January:

“Cheers from one dirrty girl to the next @MileyCyrus…wear em’ loud & proud, girl-yes!” with a picture of Cyrus wearing chaps.

Cyrus believes Aguilera really wanted to point out that SHE wore chaps to perform in first!

Oh, brother.

Star Magazine’s newest headline is “Ben Caught Cheating.”

Oh no, is this the end of Bennifer-Lite … Bennifer 2.0? No, it’s an article about how Affleck was kicked out of a Las Vegas casino for counting cards at a blackjack table. But, this latest mini-scandal has caused a rift in the Affleck-Garner merger, er, marriage because Jennifer was apparently humiliated at being asked to leave the casino with her gambling-addicted husband.

See, Jen demanded to go to Vegas with Ben because she doesn’t trust him, and he felt like he had no choice but to take her. But she mostly stayed in the room while he spent his nights in the casino winning and losing thousands of dollars and she’s annoyed because she’s Mommy all the time while he is Card Shark every night.

After he was caught cheating, and asked to leave the casino, apparently Jennifer threw the book at him, crying about how embarrassed she is by his antics.

I, however, look on the bright side. After Affleck gets done playing Batman, maybe he can do another film called Bet Man.

Just saying.

The world was all abuzz last weekend at the thought of the unholy matrimony that was supposed to go down between Giant Ego, AKA Kanye West, and Giant Ass, AKA Kim Kardastrophe. And we all waited breathlessly as the pair attended the Met Ball in hopes of hearing them talk about their pact with The Devil, AKA That Woman.

But … the wedding never happened. Famewhore say what?

See, even though Ego and Ass — sounds like a new cop comedy on Fox — got a wedding license last week they have yet to seal the deal because they are still hammering out the details of their prenup. And it won’t be signed — hopefully in That Woman’s blood — until sometime this week, and so there will be no tasteful and dignified wedding until the bloodstains are dry.

It totally makes sense, because he’s a Giant Ego who loves all things Italian, and she is a Giant Ass who loves the limelight, and since they both know this marriage won’t last, they want to protect the most important thing in their lives: the bank accounts.

Ah love … for money and a TV show.

I Didn't Say It......

Winona Ryder, on Mel Gibson:

"I remember, like, fifteen years ago, I was at one of those big Hollywood parties. And he was really drunk. I was with my friend, who's gay. He made a really horrible gay joke. And somehow it came up that I was Jewish. He said something about 'oven dodgers,' but I didn't get it. I'd never heard that before. It was just this weird, weird moment. I was like, 'He's anti-Semitic and he's homophobic.' No one believed me!"

Oh, we believe now.

All it takes is a drunken tirade against the cops, a DUI, and some rather nasty voice-mails to prove it.

President Jimmy Carter says America is ready for a gay President:
"Step-by-step, we have realized that this issue of homosexuality has the same adverse and progressive elements as when we dealt with the race issue 50 years ago, or 40 years ago. So I would say that the country is getting acclimated to a president who might be female, who might, obviously, now, be Black, and who might be as well a gay person."

From your moth to the goddes' ears, Jimmy.

I don't quite agree that we're ready just now, but, one day.

Some day.

Carrie Fisher, on John Travolta's ALLEGED homosexuality, and the idea that Travolta has sent his legal team after Gawker, a website which printed a post suggesting Travolta has given blow jobs:

"Wow! I mean, my feeling about John has always been that we know and we don’t care. Look, I’m sorry that he’s uncomfortable with it, and that’s all I can say. It only draws more attention to it when you make that kind of legal fuss. Just leave it be."

Oops.

He's outed.

Again!

And I wonder how long it will take him to send his lawyers after Carrie Fisher, who I cannot see apologizing for what she said.

Senator Carl Levin, on DADT and the President:

"The way I think the President needs to fight is to say that he is going to use all of the power he has of a bully pulpit and urge the Senate to stay in, right up to New Years….that’s the problem that I don’t see that kind of a willingness to fight that hard, where he will take that kind of a position and that’s what’s necessary. The Senate and the House, these are tests of wills."

I agree.

Obama needs to strap on some balls and get tough.

He's played the Nice Guy Game far too long now, and it hasn't worked.

Dina Lohan, media whore and enabler, On Gwyneth Paltrow's recent Glee guest shot where she cracked jokes about Lindsanity Lohan:

"Lindsay is so upset with Gwyneth. Lindsay was watching it while in Betty Ford, then she called me and was upset and said, 'Why did she have to do that? We are the first to make fun of ourselves in our family. And Lindsay has even done SNL a few times, but Gwyneth went overboard and it was unnecessary. Lindsay thought she was a friend and it was disappointing. It was really hard for her to watch... it was hurtful not funny."

Oh, Dina, you dumbass.

But you must have thought it was funny when Lindsay parodied herself on the MTV awards, right?

So, how come Lindsay can do it, and no one else can? Is it because you don't make any money off Gwyneth's jokes?

Willow Smith, on being a singer and not a student, because that's how her mommy and daddy want it:

"I never really get to go to school because I am always on tour or with my father. There is a tutor most of the time, but usually I am working so I never get to do the lessons. The worst thing about maths is all the kids are ahead of me because they go to school."

Nice way to teach your kids.

Maybe when Willow is about 50, and touring hotel lounges, whipping her hair, her mom and dad might have a different thought.

Doubtful.

Barbara Walters, on the View, discussing John Boehner's need for tears:

"This guy, I'm sorry, he's gonna be Speaker of the House, and he's not gonna invite me to his Christmas party, but this guy has an emotional problem that every time he talks about anything that's not 'raise taxes' he cries. If this were a woman, if you saw Nancy Pelosi, who's been villified, and I'm not taking sides, if you saw her getting up and crying... I hope he's a good Speaker of the House, but he's got a problem."

Seriously, I get emotional, too. But this guy makes me look like I'm made of steel.

Enough with the tears, Boner, you're starting to look even more crazy.

Chris Colfer, nominated for a Golden Globe, on his Glee role:

"I never thought I’d play a character who could inspire so many people. It’s a good thing I’ve gone through so many of the same things Kurt is going through—I definitely approach his character from a personal place."

I've said it before: Kurt is the heart of the show, and people of all orientations can see themselves in him.

And it's nice that he adds his own experiences to the mix.