 |
Jimmy Kimmel, in one
of his opening monologues this week: “The Great White Supremacist has until Monday to come up with a $464 million bond, or the state may seize and sell his property. [Thing 45] said nobody has ever heard of anything like this before. [Thing 45] needs cash and—we never heard of most of the crazy stuff he did before—I mean, nobody ever heard of the president changing the weather with a Sharpie before either. Something tells me over the weekend, [Thing 45]’s going to start talking about how strong Vladimir Putin is, and suddenly a dump truck full of rubles will pull up and cover this for him. But of course the real loser here is Melania. She may end up with half of the nothing he owns now. I hope she got an advance on that prenup, because if you think she hates him now, wait until he’s poor. [Thing 45] yesterday asked the Supreme Court to grant him absolute immunity in the case related to the events of January 6th, and he also wants immunity from chlamydia, just in case, you know. But his argument is that the threat of future imprisonment, not for him, it would prevent the president from doing potentially illegal things, which I think is the point of prison in the first place. But if [Thing 45] wants immunity, he should drink bleach like he told us to do when we wanted immunity.” Aaaaaaand scene! |
 |
Alina Habba, Thing 45’s trick, er, lawyer,
on a QAnon podcast saying “the real insurrection” was against Thing 45: “There have been people that have testified in front of Congress that have said that there were FBI assets put on the ground on January 6. I know that my client said, ‘Go peacefully and patriotically.’ I’m not sure how, when you add those two things up, that means there was an insurrection started by [Thing 45]. It sounds to me like there was a planned political movement, and it wasn’t by Republicans. And if you look at the footage that has come out where they try and make it sound horrific but you see people being guided with security, I mean—and I wasn’t there; I’m not—I wasn’t part of the administration, but I can tell you what I see on TV. I can tell you what I hear when people are testifying, and none of that amounts to this. They use these words, ‘fraud’ and ‘insurrectionist’—anything that they can—disgusting phrases about women and his treatment towards women that are just not true and have no factual basis. And I see it over and over again.” Alina, honey, he’s never going to pay you and
he’s never going to marry you; he may grab you by the pussy because, no matter
how many times you say he didn’t say that, he did say it, and he did do it. See you at Starbucks when this is all over
and try to get my order right. |
 |
Lev Parnas, former associate of Drunkle
Rudy Giuliani, this week’s Hunter Biden hearing, tearing the GOP to shreds: “The American people have been lied to, by [Thing 45], Rudy Giuliani, and various co-hosts of individuals in government and media positions. They created falsehoods to serve their own interests knowing it would undermine the strength of our nation. The only information ever pushed on the Bidens and Ukraine has come from one source and one source only: Russia and Russian agents predicated on false information spread by the Kremlin. Every person integral to this shadow diplomacy knew that the Biden corruption rumors were baseless. Then-Congressman Devin Nunes, Senator Ron Johnson, and many other individuals understood that they were pushing a false narrative. The same goes for John Solomon, Sean Hannity, and media personnel, particularly at Fox News, who used that narrative to manipulate the public ahead of the 2020 election. They are still doing this today, as we approach the 2024 election.” Ash yourselves a simple question: do you trust
Putin and Russia, and if you don’t, and you shouldn’t, ask yourselves why the
GOP trusts them so much. Criminals, all. |
 |
Michael Knowles, conservative
political commentator, on his podcast squawking about same-sex
marriage: “Whether we reverse the Obergefell decision or not, gay marriage has not been legal for 10 years. Gay marriage doesn’t exist because it’s not possible. It’s no knock—I got a lot of friends who are a little light in the loafers. You know, I went to a very gay university and I’m from New York and I lived in LA. So this has nothing to do with, you know, the icky gays or whatever. It’s just not possible. It’s just not what marriage is. As we just discussed, sexual difference, complementarity is part of the very definition of marriage. And that derives, not from some thought in that guy’s head, but from nature. So, yeah, we can pass a court decision or whatever, it’s not gonna change the—whatever word you wanna use for it—the union that creates and educates children and mutually supports the spouses. That’s just gonna be what it is.” Clearly this wingnut—and let me make this
perfectly queer: he has no gay friends because no open and proud gay man
or women would have a friend like this—hasn’t seen the facts, or read a
newspaper, or even spoken to anyone whose brain fires on more than one
cylinder. Same-sex marriage is here to stay, and
marriage is not just to produce children, but a commitment between two people
to the world, gay or straight. If marriage was only about children then
straight couples who choose not to procreate, or couples who cannot procreate,
would not have the right to marriage. Michael Knowles, who seems like a
self-loathing, closeted gay man who loves to brag about the gay places he’s
been and the gay schools he went to and the gay friends he has, is still living
in the last century. |
 |
Joan Jett, blasting MAGAt has-been Ted Nugent after
he blew a gasket because Rolling Stone put her on its list of “100 Greatest
Guitarists”: “Neither should he. Is that his implication, that he should be on the list instead of me? Well, that’s just typical—it’s what I’ve dealt with my whole life, being written off. Ted Nugent has to live with being Ted Nugent. He has to be in that body, so that’s punishment enough He’s not a tough guy. He plays tough guy, but this is the guy who sh*t his pants—literally—so he didn’t have to go in the Army. So this is the tough guy who’s running around America, stirring things up against each other.” Nugent is a talentless misogynistic pig and Joan Jett is a
rock icon with zero fucks to give. That’s all. |
