Bobservations

I don’t have a Carlos story this week because, to be honest, I haven’t been home an awful lot until Monday of this week, so I’ll share my first experience with an Airport Karen.

Flying home, I went from Portland to Atlanta—long flight—and arrived to find I had to take a train and a hike to my gate to catch the flight from Atlanta to Columbia. As I tend to book flights that have at least an hour layover I had the time and soon I was at the gate for my next flight. I sat down, took out a bottle of water and began to wait when a woman rushed up to the gate attendant shrieking that she’d missed her flight:

“They just closed the fucking gate! I was there and they closed the fucking gate! The plane is sitting right there and they won’t fucking let me on.”

When I say she was shrieking, think of what you believe to be shrieking and multiply it by a hundred. But the man at the gate simply said:

“Ma’am, go to the Delta counter and they will get you rebooked as quickly as possible. I cannot do anything right here.”

“NO! You are gonna give me a free flight. You’re gonna give me a free fucking shuttle to my house and get my luggage off that plane and onto the new flight—"

“Ma’am that plane is leaving. There’s no way I can get them—”

“Fuck that! Get me someone to talk to right now!”

“Ma’am. Go down to the Delta counter and they can get you on a flight and take care of your bags and any questions you may have. I cannot do that for you here.”

The woman looks around and sees me and shrieks:

“Do you hear this? He won’t even fucking help. Do you hear this?”

And I said:

“No, ma’am, all anyone can here is you screaming and cursing at him—”

“Fuck you, too.”

“Well, now, if I was interested in that, which I am not, I at least arrived at my gate in plenty of time to make my flight.”

“Fuck youuuuuuuuuuuu!!!”

And then she ran off through the airport.

This is a repost from August 2009:

“Trying to help with the laundry. He's such a good boy.”

I don’t know what it is about the laundry basket that made him crawl into; even if the clothes were still warm from the dryer or cool from sitting for hours, this was his spot.

Shout out to South Carolina Senators Katrina Shealy. Penry Gustafson, Sandy Senn, Margie Bright Matthews, and Mia McLeod—three Republicans, one Democrat and one Independent—for standing up for women and their RIGHT to make their own healthcare choices.

Not all of these women are pro-choice but all know that men should not be telling women what they can do with their bodies.

Speaking of South Carolina, GOP Senator Tim Scott says he will make a “major announcement” on May 22 about his presidential bid.

And on May 23 we will all become acutely aware that he has no chance of ever being President.

The other day a co-worker said to me:

“Everyone thinks you’re a grumpy old bitch.”

I smiled and replied:

“Odd, because I Googled ‘Who gives a fuck’ and my name wasn’t in the search results.”

Don’t come for me peasants.

Dwyane Wade spent years living in Florida and playing basketball for the Miami Heat before retiring back in 2019. But now, as a supportive dad and advocate for his trans daughter, Zaya, Wade and his family have decided that a Florida under the thumb of the likes of Ron DeSantis is no place to live, so the Wade’s have packed up and moved away.

Too bad more people don’t follow suit.

What’s good for the floral goose is good for the floral gander … Nashville’s FLWR Shop is refusing to serve a Republican National Committee [RNC] fundraiser featuring Thing 45 in protest over lack of action on gun control laws.

FLWR Shop said it hopes to encourage other Nashville businesses to refuse money from the RNC “until they begin to make the changes to gun laws that most Americans are calling for.”

To be completely fair the Met Gala isn’t about fashion, it’s about costume and showmanship, and this year the winner, for me, is Janelle Monae.

The theme this year was Karl Lagerfeld: A Line Of Beauty and some interpreted that nicely, and some took it to the Jetsons and beyond. Amirite, Janelle? Bitch looked like a dolled-up Rosie the Robot in a look that transformed itself on the carpet. At first glance, it looked like a very ornate overcoat designed to keep the wind chill away but then a pair of handlers stopped in and began removing the coat to reveal that she was wearing essentially a sheer wireframe gown with glittery bikini beneath.

I do hope there was a third look, otherwise Ms. Monae would have been standing the entire night.

Last week classical music lovers headed to the Walt Disney Concert Hall to hear the Los Angeles Philharmonic concert perform, among other things, Tchaikovsky’s Fifth Symphony and apparently one member of the audience was so overcome with, er, joy, by the performance that she experienced a full body orgasm.

Journalist Jocelyn Silver was the first to break the news on Twitter and even claimed that the orchestra stopped playing as the woman screamed and moaned, but others say that while the orgasm was loud, the band played on.

That must be some horny musical movement, eh?

This is French singer, songwriter, social media influencer and model Manu Noraced. And while he clearly has many talents this is a simpler question: Would You Hit it?

The Met Gala: The Good, The Bad, The Ugly

This year's Gala theme is American Independence which gave attendees a wide berth of ideas to play with from founding fathers in powdered wigs and star-spangled gowns, to Lady Liberty cosplay and, of course, all things red, white, and hideous.

Let’s rip …

THE MENS

First Row:

Adrien Brody in a boring tuxedo; he’s kinda odd sexy hot to me but the only way this works for me is if I’m next to him in a boring tuxedo on the top of a same-sex wedding cake.

Ben Platt. I wore this look when I went to a 70s Themed Party. I got mine at Goodwill. Ben looks like he did too.

Channing Tatum in an ill-fitting tuxedo is giving me cater waiter, while I’m still waiting for my cock-a-tale.

Dan Levy in WTFuckery is this. Except for the two men kissing on the front this screams hot mess and not in a good way.

Second Row:

Maluma. He’s giving me hot Latino sexy and I’m feeling all kinds of tingly … down there.

Pete Davidson. Drunk Nun in a dinner jacket realness.

Elliot Page. For god’s sake, get a tailor and a suit that fits. You’re already slight of stature and this makes you even smaller.

Dominic Cooper left his ice cream truck at the curb.

Third Row:

Timothée Chalamet was a co-chair of the event and worn dirty sneakers. Seriously. I’d call you by your name but your name is Unfortunate Choices.

Shawn Mendes fights do hard against rumors he’s gay and then comes dressed as a rent boy.

Simu Liu. This is how you do the dinner jacket. Points off for the facial scruff.

Henry Golding. Dazzling. I need this look for Easter Services at the Big Gay Church.

LADIES IN RED

Jennifer Hudson channeling Aretha in a fitted billowing number that screams DIVA!!!

Karlie Kloss used a designer that channeled American Beauty Rose to perfection.

Megan Fox wants to be Dita von Teese but never will be.

CALL THEM MISS ROSS

Keke Palmer channels both Diana and Angela Basset in this slithering sequined number.

Taraji P. Henson is pure Disco Diana.

WAITING ON A TRAIN

Billie Eilish looking very Marilyn. Much nicer than the usual two-toned hair and ill-fitting drag.

Teyana Taylor. They say that less is more, but sometimes less is whore.

Kim Kardastrophe again with the hood? This might have made a bigger statement had she not worn a similar look just yesterday.

Debbie Harry in tattered Old Glory Star Spangled Banner Yet Waves fabulosity.

SEPARATED AT JOANNE’S FABRICS

Emma Chamberlain looks like she took Troye Sivan’s sad little girl black sack dress, bedazzled it, cut it to ribbons and then headed out.

MEHS AND GOODS

First Row:

Anna Wintour chairs this thing and she things Floral Granny works? No, no …that’s all.

Barbie Ferreira dazzles in 1920s sculpted pearl flapper dress.

Emily Blunt looked regal in that gown and headpiece but was it cold because bitch put a sheet on too.

Gabrielle Union had an elaborate story about this gown but my story is simple: it’s a series of white plastic dinnerware hot glued together and it looks like it.

Second Row:

Ilana Glazer. From the neck down is glamour, from the  neck up is insane asylum matron.

Kim Petras. Someone told this bitch he was making a horse bustier and she went for it. Neigh, Neigh!

Kris Jenner looks like someone’s grandma got locked out of the house in one of grandpa’s old suits with a bathrobe tied to her waist,

Rebecca Hall is a cross between a Handmaid and a Sister Wife and neither look works.

Third Row:

Megan Thee Stallion looks full on glam 2021 Dorothy Dandridge and I’m here for it.

Sharon Stone. I know some people say she could wear a sack and still look beautiful, but they’d be wrong.

Olivia Rodrigo went to her first Met Gala and she thought feathers and lace and granny panties would do the trick. They do not.

Tracee Ellis Ross is giving me Black Anna Wintour Boss … hell, she’s just giving me Boss Bitch and I love it.

TOY TRAINS

First Row:

JLo. Tits out? Check. Jolie Leg? Check? Wearing that same hat you’ve been wearing for two years? Check. But why shouldn’t she recycle style when she clearly recycles boyfriends?

Ciara is married to football player Russell Wilson so I guess that explains this football jersey “thing”.

Second Row:

Irina Shayk. Nude with flower pasties. It’s pretty but this sort of naughty is-she-nude-or-not look has been done to death.

Yara Shahidi looks like a Silent Screen star waiting to shoot her scenes on Valentino’s The Sheik.

Third row:

Serena Williams is the Lost Muppet.

Mary J. Blige always looks the same. Gold, and cleavage. Try harder.

A LITTLE DRAMA

Lupita Nyong’o in a denim and diamonds look. On pint for the theme and that hair is a work of art.

Rihanna is giving me Cotton Club diva. I think there’s a derringer in her purse.

Maisie Williams is channeling Miss Clara Bow and she’s working it.

MJ Rodriguez is giving us sleeves and pleats for days, along with a fabulous shoe.

LEAGUE OF HER OWN

Iman owned it. This look is giving me Scarlett O’Hara on the African Savanna.

KING AND QUEEN OF THE NIGHT

Lil Nas X doesn’t play; he brings it. That first look says Queen, with underneath he’s R2D2 and under that he’s all disco skate.

What did YOU think?

Met Gala 2019: Category is ... Camp!

A lot of people are  confused about what the "camp" theme of this year's Met Gala means.

Camp is fabulousness, irony, over-the-top, in-your-face humor at being extra. And some brought it, some tried, and some failed.

Camp Fabulous for Girls

Lady Gaga, who appeared in a ginormous pink gown and with an entourage, only to disrobe and show off her simple black dress with a bustle. Another quick change and she’s in a strapless pink number again, and then, presto change-o, in her drawers.

Camp Gay Boys

Billy Porter arrives in Camp Gay style, being carried by shirtless beefcake. Once on the carpet, he dismounted and rocked the carpet in sequins and wings and just sheer fabulousness.

Camp Gender Fluid

Ezra Miller is a long white cape and face mask, until the cape disappears and he’s in a tuxedo and wire corset with a long train. The mask comes down and he’s all eyes, and so are we.

Camp Barbie Doll

Kacey Musgraves in pink leather and fur, and the perfect plastic Barbie doll make-up.

Camp Cher Wannabes

JLo, who came as herself until she slapped on a sequined bathing cap.

Ciara clearly broke into Cher’s house and took clothes and a wing.

Get your own style ladies!

Camp Drama

Cardi B brought the drama, the train, the skirt, the headpiece, the feathers and the ruffles. All covered up and she still oozes sex appeal.

Camp Didn’t Get the Memo

Demi looking like Demi, which ain’t all that these days, and then Gwyneth, who last year complained that she hated the Met Gala and yet here she is again, looking like a sad sack of heirloom potatoes.

Camp Headwear

Cara Delevingne whose outfit was so-so, but whose headpiece was amazing.

Camp LGBTQ Realness.

Laverne Cox is giving me Disney villainess realness. I’m surprised she wasn’t trying to steal puppies on the carpet.

Camp Men

—clockwise

Darrin Criss in a simple outfit, with a dazzling jacket and eye makeup for the gods.

Jared Leto giving me religious hypocrisy realness while carrying around his own head.

RuPaul is sequins and feathers and platforms. Ru-mazing.

Ryan Murphy, sadly, looks a little sad sack; the cape is everything, the suit is little boy.

Camp Mother Daughter Day

Sophie Von Haselberg and her mother, Bette Midler, proving that the family that camps together., slays together.

Camp Showgirls

Gwen Stefani—sans Blake—and Celine Dion looking like a couple of aging showgirls who stumbles onto the carpet.

Camp Trolls

Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen gave up their usual black caftan looks for black leather and kewpie doll make up., It never gets old … yes, it does.

Camp Whimsy

Janelle Monáe and Lupita Nyong'o brought the camp, the color, the fun, the whimsy and the spirit of the night.

Camp Katies

One, Katy Perry, is visiting from Camp Overkill, because she could barely stand up in her outfit.

The other, Katie Holmes, dropped by from Camp Big Gown Doesn’t say Camp.

Camp Marry Me

Alexander Skarsgård and Omari Hardwick may not have pushed the boundaries of camp, but, yeah, I’d like to be the neat in that sammich. Or even just opened-faced sammich with Omari!

The Met Gala: The Good, The Bad, The Ugly, The Meh, The Kardastrophes

Well, another year and another Met gala and some really great clothes and some hot men and some trashy social climbers... Kim, Kris, Kylie and Kendall.

While the Oscars may be a fashion show, the Met Gala is a FASHION show, and some bring and others fail, so let's dish, whilst remembering that the theme this year was "Heavenly Bodies: Fashion and the Catholic Imagination." 

I can't help but think that Blake Lively saw this in the window and just had to have it. Plus, she forgot her best accessory: Ryan Reynolds.

Brooke Shields is just so happy to be invited anywhere that she found this old gown from the 1980s and recycled it.

Cardi B paid attention to the theme, but is the secondary theme Scenes from Frozen.

Cindy Crawford, proving that a red sequined dress never goes out of style ,,,or proving that her style hasn't changed since last century?

Donatella Versace reminds us that you can never be too rich or too thin to design and wear an ugly outfit.

Emma Stone bringing Native American Catholicism to the red carpet. At least that's what i think she brought.

Ann Hathaway. Hideous red dress? Check. Chopsticks in the hair? Check. Let's go.

Janelle Monáe giving me Joan Crawford shoulders and a 1940s hat with chain mail hood realness. And I love it!

Jennifer Lopez. Cross your heart, she's still trying to rock that Angelina Jolie Leg™ all these years later.

Kay Perry. She looks like a squat fat Dunkin Donuts angel shrieking, Look at me! Over Here!! Look!At!Me!

I wondered what Susan Boyle was doing at the Met Gala until i realized it was Lena Dunham. Then I wondered WTF is this?

Lynda Carter, still riding that Did you know that I used to be Wonder Woman wave.

Madonna. I've got to give it to the old gal, she really brought it this year, and left the aging sleaze at home.

Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen look like they just flew in from an audition to play bridge trolls in a Lord of the Rings musical.

Miley Cyrus. Who knew Morticia Addams had a younger, more tattooed sister?

Nicki Minaj looks like the Devil in this outfit. If, you know, the Devil was a fierce, stylish black woman.

Rihanna. This is what he would wear if Pope Frankie Goes To Hollywood ever admitted he was a disco queen.

Sarah Paulson looks like a fragile angel, and I am loving it. She can do no wrong.

Sarah Jessica Parker. This is Katy Perry in forty years, or Donatella Versace ten years ago.

Solange Knowles bringing us Latex Dominatrix Jesus to the gala. Or, getting ready to rumble with Jay Z again.

Zendaya really stayed true to the theme and killed it with the Joan of Arc vibe. If Joan wore hooker heels.

Zoe Kravitz. Is it me, or do you also think part of her outfit was left back at the hotel?

Frances McDormand. I'd never expect her to be a Met Gala Girl, but she is killing me with this headpiece and the cape.

Andrew Garfield, auditioning for a James Bond film ... a twee, kinda fey James Bond who drinks Cosmos.

Chadwick Boseman. Looking at him, I always find religion. Just sayin.

Darren Criss get it simple, theme appropriate and chic, He's a little hottie.

Donald Glover is such a handsome man, but he didn't even try ... sigh.

Same with Michael B. Jordan, who did manage to slap a cross pin to his lapel.Still, he is purty.

Nick Jonas. We get it,m you have a rocking hard body, but maybe next time get a suit one size larger so you can at least move.

Justin Theroux looks a little lost without Jennifer Aniston hanging off his arm.

Jonah Hill came dress as one of the accountants from the Oscars.

Bradley Cooper and  Irina Shayk. He looks like he'd rather be anywhere but there.

Lana Del Rey and Jared Leto. I don't know what church they attend, but I smell cult.

Is that Scarlett Johansson and Colin Jost or is it Bob and Eileen Middleton attending the Mutual of Omaha awards dinner?

Lastly, the Kardastrophes, who clearly didn't read their invitation correctly, although Kim slapped a cross or two on her dress and left her crazy husband in the car. And That Woman, who, I'm guessing, is really that hairy from the waist down. Kylie brought Baby Daddy Travis Scott and he looks a little like an armed guard to keep her in check. Finally, Kendall ... go home.

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