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The other day I took Carlos to an eye appointment with a
local doctor who specializes in low-vision eye problem. The appointment was set
for 9:30 and we arrived at 9AM because, as I told Carlos, that way if there was
paperwork to fill out we could get it done. Imagine my surprise when the nurse handed Carlos a stack of
papers to fill out and he handed her back a stack and told her he’d filled them
out ahead of time. Uh huh … we arrived early for … ? So, we sat, and waited,
until about fifteen minutes after his appointment time, when Carlos was called
back, and he actually muttered something about them making him wait. And then I waited for three hours while he saw the doctor.
But all was not lost, because an elderly woman came in and sat down about four
seats from me and began singing I’ll Be Loving You. The.Entire.Song. As
she finished, I looked at the lady across from me and asked why they weren’t
serving drinks during the cabaret portion of the wait. Next up, was her
rendition of On The Sunny Side of The Street to offer us a little
up-tempo number. And the old woman wasn’t through; she entered the Spoken
Word section of the show and proceeded to regale us with this story: “I’m missing my stories. I watch then every morning at 9AM and every night at midnight. I love my stories. Perry Mason. I love Perry Mason. Oh, he’s such handsome man. I wanna slather him in butter and sop him up with a biscuit.” I died. I also died when, again, on the way home Carlos whined about having to sit for fifteen minutes while I had a three-hour wait, a cocktail-free floor show, and gained some insight about who rocks an old woman’s boat. |
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But by all means, sit by and do nothing and let it happen,
or … CAST A GODDAMNED VOTE! |
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The European Union has recommended that all 27 of its member
nations reinstate restrictions on tourists from the U.S. because of rising
coronavirus infections there. This is what happens when you act the fool, America. |
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Normally I am really quick with a comeback, but when I get
stumped, I really get stumped. We had a woman come into the office and she and I were speaking
and laughing and joking. When I finished with her, she told me that I had been
very nice and could she ‘praise’ me. Praise me? I thought maybe she meant leave
a nice review of me on our website, but I wasn’t sure so I said: “Excuse me?” And she said: “Can I pray for you?” Now, I had always assumed that you pray for people who need
help. Edna’s husband is sick, so say a prayer for him. Bobby Dean lost his job down
at the Feed Store, pray for him. But pray for me because I was nice? I quickly thought
of something to say and this is what came out: “Nah, I’m good.” Now my co-workers wanna pray for me. |
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Down in Texas, the GQP has passed a new state law, signed by
asshat governor Greg Abbott, that bans abortion after as early as six weeks. Sorry, women, Texans and Republicans don’t think you can
make your own healthcare choices. |
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Vehement anti-vax rocker Eric Clapton has just dropped a
musical rant against pandemic restrictions and vaccines. Sorry, not buying the song or his ideas. |
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This week we had some business at City Hall and the bank in
Smallville. Like most banks during the height of the pandemic, ours was
drive-thru only, and though the lobby was open now I still drive-thru. As did the man in the monster truck who pulled in beside us.
His truck was so high off the ground that he had to get out of the truck to use
the drive-thru. As his door opened, I said to Carlos: “Big truck, little dick.” And out popped this Pocket Redneck who barely reached the
bottom of the driver’s seat, and he stood out there and did his banking and
then, hand to the Baby Jeebus, he jumped off the ground, grabbed his steering
wheel and hosted himself into the driver’s seat. Very little penis, I thought. |
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This is Chris Williamson, who hails from the Northeastern Great Britain and is host of the Modern Wisdom podcast where he discusses anything from fitness tips to relationship advice, to the five best books you’ve never read.  He’ sexy and smart and fit and opinionated and he’s giving me Liev Schreiber little brother realness and I’m good with that.  |
