The Funny Papers

Clay Bennett, Pedro X Molina, Lalo Alcaraz, Matt Wuerker, Trevor Irvin, Nick Anderson, Robert Unell, Tim Campbell, John Branch, Daniel Boris, Barry Blitt, Dennis Goris, Mike Luckovich, Michael de Adder, Jesse Duquette,

Meme Dump

Why Is It ...

… that people don’t realize that my emotional baggage is basically the tough life experiences that have made me into the hilariously twisted empathetic sexy fuck that I am today.

… that my morning routine, every morning, is just convincing myself not to go back to bed.

… that people forget that I have quite the ability to multitask … I can listen, ignore and forget all at the same time.

… that if you see me talking to myself, pay me no mind. I’m having a staff meeting.

… that when people tell me to take it down a notch it guarantees a five notch increase; do not ever try to de-notch me.

… that while I am not exactly sure what my spirit animal is, I’m confident it has rabies.

… that I wish I could Google search my own mind … ask it “what are my favorite movies” or “what’s the name of that place with the really good egg rolls.”

… that people need to know that, at this age, if I tell you I do not care, please believe me.

… that I feel the need to toot my own horn after making it through another day of not turning feelings into felonies.

… that people who aren’t from South Carolina don’t realize the average summertime temperature is a hundred-and-fuck-you.

Meme Dump

Why Is It ...

… that when my boss told me he was going to make a swear jar just for me I said I don’t have the kind of income to keep up with my mouth.

… that people around people who don’t swear makes me feel like I am in an unsafe environment.

… that what some people call multitasking, I call doing something else until I remember what I was going to do in the first place.

… that I am not actually funny, I’m just really mean and people think I’m joking.

… that people need to know that while I cannot change water into wine, I can turn tequila into bad decisions and total fucking mayhem.

… that I giggle before I go crazy because I gotta rev that engine.

… that I may not be the best looking, or the smartest, but I am am also not the nicest so please stop talking to me.

… that y’all don’t realize that I need a leaf blower … for people.

… that no one realizes that South Carolina has Winter, then Fake Spring, and then Spring, and when you’re in Fake Spring you must remember that Winter is just around the corner with a folding chair.

Bobservations

A friend of ours directs theater productions here in South Carolina and every so often does a little something for our local Fine Arts Center; Larry last produced and directed To Kill A Mockingbird which was wonderful.

Now he’s set to direct a production of Hairspray and he knew that Carlos played the trumpet and asked me if Carlos would be interested in playing with the orchestra for Hairspray.

Would he?

So I texted Carlos and told him I was giving his number to Larry so he could get in contact and discuss the opportunity and my husband, love of life, laugh of my heart, texted me back … wait for it, it’s totally Carlos … his phone number.

I showed the text to Larry and he said:

“Does he think you don’t have his phone number?”

“I don’t know, maybe he was too busy thinking about Hairspray curtain calls and how deep he should curtsy.”

That’s my Carlos.

This Tuxedo Says is from June 2020:

While he generally likes most people, and is not at all skittish, Tuxedo, like his daddy, has an extremely low tolerance for stupid.

Note: the people who are upset about Luigi Mangione being made into a folk hero seem to have forgotten that they made Kenosha Murderer Kyle Rittenhouse into one.

I am getting a Children of the Corn Cakes vibe this morning and I am not all that terrified.

There'll be a plethora of new faces in DC come January when the convicted felon takes the White House again. Well, not so much new faces as new faces on old bodies …

Many in the Felon’s inner circle appear to have gone under the plastic surgeons’ knife, creating what is now being dubbed the 'Mar-a-Lago' face, which is defined by copious use of Botox, a Miami-bronze tan, puffy lips and silky smooth skin.

Sorry folks, you can tighten and tuck and laser and nip and fill it and inject it but you’re still as hideous on the outside as you are on the inside.

The weather down here in South Carolina is nuts … 19 degrees one morning and 65 degrees the next, and then back down to twenty degrees and up to fifty-seven the next day.

My nipples are exhausted.

Jeff Kasser, model, actor, Only Fans star and a new addition to Would You Hit it … of note, on Only Fans Jeff apparently gets hit, a lot.