Why Is It ...

… that when I accidentally cut off a guy on the highway he pulled alongside me and shrieked out the window, “I am gonna make your life a living hell,” and all I could think of to say was, “Thanks but I’m not looking for a relationship right now.”

… that the older I get … No.

… that people hope to die gracefully when you can age like a fine old cheese … full of character and slightly offensive.

… that when people say their life is a walk in the park, I say, ‘Mine, too … Jurassic Park.’

… that I talk a lot of shit for someone who cannot function if the toe seam on my sock is in the wrong place.

… that sometimes people come into your life … and they need to stop doing that.

… that nothing brings neighbors together like a slew of police cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.

… that people forget that I used to be crazy but have recently upgraded to Premium Chaos.

… that when someone asks what my dream job is I always say I would like to simply not participate in society.

… that if I’m ever on life support, unplug me, and then plug me back in to see if that works.

Why Is It ...

… that all of the sudden my neighbor hates me. At her garage sale I asked her  “How much for the angry gnome?” How was I supposed to know that was her kid.

… that my ducks are absolutely not in a row; I don’t even know where some of them are and I’m pretty sure one of them is a pigeon.

… that people don’t understand that they should never ask me for advice. I will just give you a shot of tequila and tell you life’s a bitch.

… that no one told me that as I get older the weather app will become a part of my routine.

… that I just want to experience one full day without getting irritated … like a limited time offer of inner peace.

… that while I may not put the sparkle in your eye, I am responsible for those WTF wrinkles in your forehead.

… that I one time I said, ‘I’m never getting out of this horrendous escape room’ amd my boss said,’You really have to stop saying that every time you clock out.

… that whenever I pick the remote up off the floor with my feet while lying on the couch, I call it a Leg Day.

… that people should know that if they’ve ever felt that I don’t like them, for any reason, they should trust that feeling.

Why Is It ...

… that I just found out that the neighborhood had a meeting about that crazy old man and I wasn’t invited.

… that I need to remind people to drink water and mind their own damn business.

… that when someone asks me how strong I like my coffee I always say, “I want it to show up in a drug test.”

… that I have to put on a seatbelt but the garbage man gets to hang off the back of the truck.

… that people don’t understand that due to not wanting to, I will not be.

… that if I offended you with any of my social media posts, I sincerely apologize. I did not think you could read.

… that I hate when people call my phone; surely they know I don’t use it for that.

… that my boss doesn’t understand that I should be getting paid extra at work just for being the funny one.

… that if I knew then what I know now, I would have stayed strangers with a lot of people.

Why Is It ...

… that I feel the need to tell anyone that I offended this year that they need to work on themselves so I don’t have to repeat myself in 2025.

… that every time I complain about an escape room sucking, the nurses remind me that i'm in the psych ward.

… I feel the need to wear many hats at work … Chaos Coordinator, Mischief Manager and Supervisor of Shenanigans.

… that I realize not that I’ve reached that age where I appreciate a nice handrail.

… that I need y’all to know that if I die choking on a Gummy Bear please tell everyone I was killed by a bear and say no more.

… that when a neighbor says Hi to me I tell Carlos we need to move.

… that people look shocked when they ask me if I skateboard or snowboard and I tell them I charcuterie board.

… that my friends still don’t get it that you should never put me on speaker phone. EVER!

… that I keep looking for the Adult Elf on the Shelf that moves around the house at night mopping floors, doing laundry or taking out the trash.

… that before I Agree to 2025, I’d need to read the Terms and Conditions.

Meme Dump

When Nothing Else Works, Paint The Rainbow

Sherry Lau and her wife, Lisa Licata, bought a house in Penn hills, Pennsylvania, and almost as soon as they moved in their neighbors began harassing them because you know, Gay.

Sherry, a carpenter, and Lisa, a stay-at-home mom to her 13-year-old autistic son, say their neighbors, Ron Makay and his wife, Iolanda Wieczorkowki, made a bigoted comment to them when they first moved in because, you know, Gay. But Sherry and Lisa, hoping to avoid any trouble, told the neighbors they were actually mother and daughter, until a year went by and Ron Makay learned they were gay and :::gasp::: married.

And then the trouble started, though it was mainly Makay and Wieczorkowki shouting at the women, and Sherry and Lisa yelling back that they simply wanted to be left alone. And, to that end, they wanted to build a fence between themselves and the unneighborly neighbors.

Ron Makay took issue with the fence and took his complaints to a zoning hearing board meeting last July, noting an ordinance that doesn’t allow a fence taller than four feet to be built; Sherry and Lisa wanted a six-foot fence.

Makay also wanted the color of the fence to be limited but since there was no ordinance for that, the ladies erected their fence and painted it in Pride colors about two years ago, hoping, as they say, that fences make good neighbors.

It didn’t; after the fence went up, the confrontations continued, and things came to a head when Makay allegedly shot Lau’s 3-year-old pit bull mix, Niko, with a BB gun. Local police arrested Ron Makay and charged him with cruelty to animals and discharging air rifles in connection with the incident.

After that, Sherry and Lisa took another step … and painted the side of their house in Rainbow colors and that, and the fact that he was cited for cruelty to an animal, Ron Makay and Iolanda Wieczorkowki have, mercifully, kept quiet and to themselves.

And watching the Rainbow next door.

Trib Live

Random Musings

Donald _____’s son-in-law, the one with zero government experience, is set to lead a new White House department—so much for smaller government, eh?—called the White House Office of American Innovation.

Sounds phony to me, but Jared will be daddy-in-law’s little helper in a new office staffed by former business executives—_____-speak for “rich white men”—to “infuse fresh thinking into Washington, float above the daily political grind and create a lasting legacy for a president still searching for signature achievements.”

Achievements like healthcare? Um, no; a Muslim ban? Um, still a No; a wall paid for by Mexico? Another No.

Good luck looking for _____ achievements.

I’m a show queen and proud of it. One of my favorite shows was Miss Saigon, which is back on Broadway and features one of my favorite songs, and so here it is:

Harris Jackson, the Baltimore man who stabbed bottle-collector Timothy Caughman to death on a New York street has been charged with terrorism. Good; see Jackson came to the city with the intent to kill Black people, so let’s put him away for, um, oh, I don’t know, forever?

That said, one disgusting aspect of this story was the fact that many papers reported on the criminal history of the dead man, Timothy Caughman.

See how that works in America? A black man is stabbed to death on a public street by a racist white terrorist—and remember, that’s homegrown and white—and his past is dredged up. It shouldn’t matter what his history might have been; he was murdered in public, for being black.

That’s, and the fact that the media aired the dead man’s laundry, is a crime.

So, there’s a show called The Magicians, which is kinda fun, and kinda different, and features some hotties ... like, clockwise from upper left, Arlen Escarpeta, who plays Prince Ess ... Princess? ... and Hale Appleman, who plays Elliot Waugh, and Leonard Roberts, who is Prince Ess’s father, King Idri. In a sly move, Elliott and King Idri were set to duel, as leaders of rival kingdoms, but found a better way to solve their issues: the two men would marry and untie their lands; ain’t love grand.

Lastly, while I don’t watch Dancing With The Stars[?] I was passing through the TV dial and saw one Bonner Bolton, rodeo star, dancing, and, well, let’s just say that he has the ass for dancing.

That’s all.

I also enjoy Patrick Stewart’s Starz show Blunt Talk. And on a few occasions, Stewart’s character has dressed as a woman, and recently the internet became aware of a striking resemblance between Drag Stewart and a certain Minister of Propaganda.

I actually think Stewart looks hotter. And now some fans are asking SNL to have Stewart on the play Kellyanne Conway.

Could be high-larious!

President _____’s approval rating slipped even lower this week in the Gallup daily tracking poll; now barely a third of the country thinks he not a giant douchebag, while the majority knows he’s a dick out of water.

Fish? No, dick is right.

This past Monday my Dad’s dog Foxy died ... just a week after the tumor was discovered. She did go peacefully, and spent the last week sunning herself on the deck and watching life in Toledo, Oregon.

Looks like North Carolina has just found out that Hate is expensive! Their Bathroom Bill is set to cost the state some $3.76 billion—with a b—in lost revenue.

I think the state should sue the GOP and all the haters to recoup their lost coins.

Now, back in the day, during the OJ trial—I lived in California then and it was the story—I watched the trial and developed a small crush on Christopher Darden.

Then, last year, The People v OJ Simpson aired and I developed a crush on Sterling K. Brown, who played Christopher Darden. Later in the year Brown was cast on This Is Us, which is such a lovely show, funny, heartbreaking, life, and my crush built.

Then that happened ... Brown gave fans a sneak peek at his six-pack, saying:

“So, I’ve been working on @the_predator_movie with the wonderful @_trevante_  [Trevante Rhodes], & try as I might to believe otherwise…that brother reminds me everyday that I’m 40 years old!  Even still…thanks for the inspiration young man. It is greatly appreciated!.”

And I thought, “Damn!”

Oh, FoxNews ....

At the end of 2016, Bill O’Reilly had hosted the number one rated cable “news” show for 16 consecutive years, and loved to brag about it.

As the kids say, Not no more.

Reilly has succumbed to the _____ slump ... Last week the number one show in cable news belonged to Rachel Maddow on MSNBC, and Bill O’Reilly wasn’t even number one in his time period ... that was Chris Hayes on MSNBC.

Poor Bill, couldn’t have happened to a bigger blowhard.

Residents of a Washington neighborhood say the _____ clan doesn't make for very good neighbors, hogging parking on an already crowded street and leaving trash bags rotting on the curb, and their yuuuuuge security presence, with even a trip to the playground requiring three vans.

Not Donald, though; this time it’s “Complicit” _____ and her husband, also called “Complicit”, and their three children who have caused the sidewalks to be closed, public parking to disappear, and the fact that the _____-Kushner house can’t seem to remember when trash day is, and leave their garbage on the streets all week.

But hey, their daddy is president, for now, so what do they care?

Maybe after the impeachment, when they crawl back to NYC like the cockroaches they are, they feel the pain.

Oh, and get this: the home is owned by a company with ties to a Chilean billionaire and they had no right, and no license to rent the home to “Complicit” until just this week when they finally filed their paperwork.

You know, because rules are different for rich folk.

But neighbors complained to the city, and this week District transportation crews were outside the house removing "No Parking" signs because no permits had been issued to use the signs.

Again, 1% problems, eh?

So ... This Happened

As you may recall, during Hurricane Matthew last fall, one of our neighbor’s trees, a rather large tree, came down, landing in our backyard and taking with it about three of our trees and a thirty foot section of fence.

Our neighbors, who we’ve met briefly—they keep to themselves—actually came over during the storm to tell us about the tree and to make sure that we knew that they’d take care of the mess ... as they should, I thought. I also thought they came over because perhaps they assumed the two homos who lived next door might be pissy queens who would be furious about the damage.

We were not those queens.

In fact, we started some cleanup of the tree the very next day after the storm passed and the neighbors—Scott and Emily—then came over to remind us that they’d take care of; we just said we wanted to get rid of what we could without a chain saw since, as I explained, “We are not chainsaw people.”

So, Scott and his father, who has a small Bobcat, cleared away all of the downed trees, roots and all, in one day, and as soon as the ground began to dry, they repaired the fence between our two yards. It was very nice of them, to be sure, but it was what should have happened in a civilized world. And during the cleanup Emily asked if we could exchange phone numbers because the only neighbors they know are Carlos and me, and this way, if anything ever happened, we could get in touch with one another. I found it strange that they hadn’t met a single neighbor in the two years they lived here but, that’s just me.

Once the work was done, Carlos suggested we invite them over for cocktails and appetizers to thank them for the work. Being the cynic, I said we didn’t need to thank them for doing the right thing, but, yeah, we could have them over to maybe get to know them better.

Cue Julia Roberts’ quote in the boutique on Rodeo Drive in Pretty Woman ... big mistake, huge.

We settled on the Saturday before Thanksgiving and called Emily to ask if they were available, and we got the Oh I don’t know I think we have something to do let me check and I'll get back to you run on sentence. I told Carlos I thought they might not be keen on going to Homo House and Emily couldn’t think fast enough on her feet to come up with an excuse.

Still, we didn’t hear from them until five days later, on Friday night, when she called to say they’d love to come the next day. Well, Carlos explained that since we hadn’t heard from them the whole week, we’d made other plans and suggested we do it December 3rd.

It was settled. Now, as a couple of queers, we don’t just tear open a bag of Doritos and set out a six-pack of Bud Light for guests; we planned a menu, made sure we had beer and wine and booze, and then planned the food, everything from my Aunt Norma’s Fabulous Salsa to homemade Hummus, to baby pizzas and bruschetta and little desserts ... like I said, queers do it up right.

On December 3rd, we prepared all the food and cleaned the house and set everything up. Carlos said they were coming at 3PM but when that time arrived we had no guests; we waited. I asked Carlos if he’d said 3 o’clock or 4 o’clock and he wondered, too. So, we waited until 4PM and 4:15 and 4:30. Finally Carlos called and got Emily on her cell phone.

They weren’t coming because .... ahem ....

Emily had a migraine all week long and this was her first day to get out of the house.

Her children were at church.

Her father-in-law—we invited him, too, because of his help—was sick.

Her husband was out of town.

And the kicker ...

We hadn’t called to remind them.

So, apparently, the phone invitation isn't good enough, and the fact that, one day, when we saw Scott in the yard and invited them again, wasn't good enough, we should have called to remind them. But I digress ...

Now, as I said to Carlos, and I’m not exactly proud of this but it’s a fact: I am a fabulous liar. See, I know that Rule #1 of Liar Club is ... never talk about Liar Club ... I kid. Rule #1 is: Keep the lie simple. One lie, not five different lies any one of which, well, except that last one, would have worked.

So, there Carlos and I were, with drinks—oh, and I made Wassail!—and food and no guests. And there Carlos was, suggesting to Emily that we do something after the first of the year. Once he hung up I said to him ...

"We’re not getting together with them. If they want to do something let them suggest it and plan it. .... And then i might have a migraine!"

And that was that; we have not heard one peep from them since that day. No walking over to apologize for the “mix up;” not even a note left on the door. No Christmas card to plan a new date, nothing. So, as every single housewife on ever real single housewife show has said to her enemy at least once:

“We’re done.”

Cut to this past weekend, and we had gone down to Around-The-Way-Gays, David and Neal’s house for some drinks and such. We met a friend of theirs, John, a fellow homosexual, and a group of us were chatting and the story of the tree and the fence came up. As we told it, and recounted how Scott and Emily had come over during the storm to tell us about the tree and promised to fix it all, someone said ...

“They probably did that because they know The Gays are meticulous about their yards.”

And then we finished with the No Show and this quiet friend of David and Neal’s said ..

“I guess they also didn’t know that The Gays are just as meticulous about good manners.”

And a laugh was had by all.

That’s it ... carry on. 

Oh, except that, once the fence was done, Carlos and I bought some small fir trees that will grow rather large to shield our view into Scott and Emily's backyard; see, the thing we like best about our house is that you don't see into the neighbor's yards so it feels very private. But, after this kerfuffle, Carlos looked at the small firs and said:

"We should'a splurged on the large ones."

Now, carry on ...

Resist. Stand Up. Say Something. Do Something.

Iroquois Place, a peaceful little street in Ann Arbor, Michigan, is looking very festive this holiday season and it has nothing to do with Christmas lights or wreaths or Nativity scenes.

Out of the forty houses along the one-block street seventeen are flying the LGBTQ Rainbow Pride flag, while four others are flying Old Glory.

The neighborhood has come together since the presidential election and all because of an anonymous note left in the mailbox of Mark and Susan Pearlman.

The Pearlmans had put up a flag—a spin on the American flag with stars and rainbow-colored stripes—after the Pulse Nightclub mass shooting in June. They have a daughter who is gay, so that attack that killed 49 people and injured 53 others hit close to home.

"And then just the day after the election, there it was -- an anonymous letter in my mailbox, basically saying that they were uncomfortable with my flag. It was just a little disconcerting. There was something threatening about that. I found myself for two nights, I just kept looking out the window. Like, is someone watching me? There was no address."

The anonymous note read:

"I have great pride in being American. I love our country and am proud of our freedoms. I have great reverence for the men and women who have fought for those freedoms and for our flag itself and all it represents. I was troubled by the rainbow version of the American flag because it overlooks so many things the original American flag represents. The flag is missing the white stripes that represent purity and innocence. The missing red stripes overlook the valor and bravery of our soldiers and the American people.

Our flag is a sacred representation of our country's history that we are so blessed to be a part of. So, I ask you as your neighbor and fellow American to consider flying two flags, the American flag and the rainbow flag, side by side."

Susan Pearlman told her neighbors about the letter and their first response was, "Where do I get a flag?"

It spread as neighbors began telling other neighbors and now, well, it’s a very Rainbow Christmas on Iroquois Place because the Pearlmans spoke up and their neighbors stood up.

Up in North Carolina, the Loyal White Knights of the Ku Klux Klan [KKK] had planned a victory parade this past weekend to celebrate Donald _____’s but, well, things happen.

The white supremacist Hate Group was forced to relocate their little parade from Pelham to Roxboro because of the hundreds of counter-protesters showed up to express their displeasure.

And it’s unclear is a “parade” happened at all because, in Roxboro, that afternoon, there were simply a bunch of morons and miscreants and _____lodytes driving around in pick-up trucks, waving Confederate flags, and shouting “WHITE POWER” at passersby.

But, in Charlotte, Salisbury, and Raleigh, North Carolina hundreds of marchers turned out for a “love march” to show the Klan that their brand of hate was not welcome.

A Love March bested a Hate Parade because people stood up.

Mike Pence is set to become the most antigay Vice President in modern history, and some folks in his new, temporary, DC neighborhood want him to know that they don’t like that.

Ilse Heintzen lives just down the block from where Pence is currently staying and she didn’t like the idea of a known homophobe on the street so she and her neighbors stepped up.

And, as in Ann Arbor, the Rainbow Flag began flying on the street where Mike Pence lives.

 “A respectful message showing, in my case, my disagreement with some of his thinking.”— Ilse Heintzen

Pence is known for passing a law in Indiana allowing businesses to legally discriminate against LGBTQ people on religious grounds, but even more disturbing is that Mike Pence supports gay conversion therapy and, of course, is virulently anti-marriage equality.

And now, and until late January, every time Mike Pence leaves his home, he’ll find more than a dozen Rainbow Flags waving at him because Ilse Heintzen and her neighbors resisted.

While some Muslims—and the mosques where they worship—have been subjected to racism, bigotry and hate, a Texas man ... yes, a Texas man ... is taking a stand.

Justin Normand has been standing outside the Islamic Center of Irving, near Dallas, holding this sign:

“You Belong. Stay Strong. Be Blessed. We Are One America.”

Normand says he never wanted to draw nationwide attention to himself, he simply wanted to express support for his Muslim neighbors.  But his message went viral over social media, reaching thousands of people who say it gave them hope.

“It is the message — not me — that is transcendent. I just spoke what is on a lot of people’s minds. We are out here to help one another, and your community needs help. “I’m an American and — regardless of who’s here, Americans or immigrants — we’ve got to be here for one another. I’m just here because somebody’s got to speak up and say, ‘You’re valued. You’re okay. You’re part of what’s going on here.’ ” —Justin Normand

Normand’s husband—yes, he’s a gay man—Gary Cathey, said that after the election the two had been praying for a way to make a positive impact:

“This came from what Justin felt like someone following the teachings of Jesus would do. This came from a very spiritual place. Justin made the sign and God has done the rest.”

Actually, this came about because Justin Normand stood up to Hate.

In a strange twist, California Democratic Representative Xavier Becerra—a member of the House Democratic leadership—is leaving his post to become the new Attorney General of California and here’s why:

“We have policies in place [in California] that probably won’t pass at the federal level for another five, 10, 15 years. If you want to take on a forward-leaning state that is prepared to defend its rights and interests, then come at us.”

Becerra's new post is part of a larger picture of Democratic resistance at both the state and federal levels:

Senator Kirsten Gillibrand demonstrated the hurdles to confirming former Marine General James Mattis as Secretary of Defense: Unlike other cabinet nominees, his appointment could be subject to a 60-vote threshold if Democrats filibuster the waiver he'll need as former military to fill a civilian post.

Arizona Congressman Ruben Gallego outlined his own call to arms last month:

"Anything that makes _____ more powerful, makes him more dangerous, we must not lift a finger to help him scam our country. We must instead put every effort into stopping him." 

Senator Elizabeth Warren also called for Democrats to defy ____  at every turn:

"Republicans do not have majority support in this country. The majority of voters supported Democratic Senate candidates over Republicans ones, and the majority supported a Democratic presidential candidate over a Republican one."

These politicians are taking a stand; they are going to resist and speak up and do something to make sure America stays America under _____’s one-term in office.

Rosey Crotch is standing up to her homophobic neighbor with the help of thousands of Christmas lights.

After Crotch, took to the “front page of the internet” to describe how she had recently left the Mormon Church, making her the hot topic of the neighborhood, she told of how Church members kept coming to her home to try and get her and her husband to re-join the church.

One woman wouldn’t leave Crotch and her family alone; Crotch says:

“She came bouncing over and when my husband told her we no longer attended [the Church], she didn’t get the message. [S]he went on to tell us how horrified she was when her son got turned down for prom because the girl was already planning on going with her girlfriend.”

The neighbor then rained down all of her anti-LGBT views about how she disagreed with the local school raising awareness about transgender issues.

“That, coupled with the school’s justification for letting lesbians attend the prom together and doing an assembly that taught kids the facts about being transgender were just too much for her. She said that she had to move away because she was so sick of the gays and transgenders and everyone making their ‘lifestyle’ okay.”

So, Rosey Crotch decided to answer her neighbor’s views with one of her own, albeit with a much more colorful tone; she bought nearly ten thousand colored lights and created a Rainbow Flag on the shrubbery outside her home.

It’s a stand against homophobia, both by the neighbor and by the church; it's resistance to hatred; it’s a voice, in living color that says intolerance will not last.

Since April of this year, Native Americans have been protesting the planned construction of the 1,172-mile, four-state Dakota Access Pipeline [DAPL]. The movement has grown larger and the resistance from state and federal agencies has also grown equally stubborn.

Activists have been assaulted with all forms of abusive measures—water guns, for example, the kind used against black Americans protesting in the 1960s—that are never used when say, for example, criminal and racist white gun owners are “protecting” federal land. 

But a few days ago it was announced that 2,000 military veterans were going to Standing Rock to form a human shield for the water protectors, and now the National Nurses United [NNU] have announced a meaningful donation and show of support for those veterans forming the human shield they will donate $50,000 to support the veterans who are assembling this weekend as peaceful, unarmed defenders for the water protectors at the Standing Rock Sioux Reservation in North Dakota.

The veterans plan on protecting the protectors starting December 4, for three days at least. The weather conditions are freezing and these men and women will once again be putting their lives on the line to protect our country’s best and most inspiring values.

Standing up; speaking up; resisting; mobilizing.

That’s all it takes; maybe a few Rainbow flags, or some colored lights; maybe saying something; maybe offering a hand in a protest; perhaps starting a parade to counter hate; maybe telling people that no matter what those in power in Washington may say, they belong here.

Resist.

MLive

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