I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

Jenna Elfman, Scientology proud for over thirty years, wants y’all to know that she is over all the negativity surrounding her “religion” and took to that bastion to religious journalism, Us Weekly, to speak gibberish:

“The controversy is boring. It’s nothing to me. I know what I know, and how much it helps me.”

Boring; families being torn apart; children removed from their parents; rapes covered up; wives of prominent members “disappearing”; The Hole; the suicides.

Yes, Jenna, you know what you know, which is nothing. You’re just another brainwashed cult member.

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This story makes me feel two ways … saddened that former Friends and The Comeback and Web Therapy star is reduced to being a guest on the game show 25 Words or Less  … and thrilled that she publicly showed that she has no idea who Beyoncé is.

Appearing on 25 Words or Less, Lisa was to describe the clue “Beyoncé” to a pair of contestants, and instead of saying things like “whips her wave” or “takes credit for songs she didn’t write” or “pimps out her daughter” or even “tries to shut down small businesses who dare to use the word ‘ivy’” she chose to describe Beyoncé as … wait for it, it’s epic … I’m still seeing … married … to …Kanye … West.

Yes, Lisa Kudrow thought Beyoncé and Kim Kardastrophe were the same person.

And somewhere  the BeyHive is mobilizing.

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Having been drunk in public, at least once, though it was many years ago, I sometimes wonder why those drunk-in-public folks think no one notices.

Oh, maybe it’s the whole drunk thing? Anyway, this happened to one Post Malone who lit up the internet after a series of concert performances where he tripped and fell and stumbled and slurred and acted all kinds of the fool onstage. And when people who saw this show, and shared their videos of the hot mess began talking Malone decided his rep needed defending:

“I’m not on drugs! I feel the best I’ve ever fucking felt in my life. And that’s why I can bust my ass for these shows and fucking fall on the floor and do all that fun shit. But for anyone that’s concerned here, I appreciate the love and the support, but I feel fucking fantastic and I’m not doing drugs.”

I just act the fool, forget the lyrics and fall down. Nothing to see here.

True dat.

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Let’s be queer, I was never a fan of the Mama Grizzly Bore™ AKA Sarah Palin, but how does one go from being the GOP nominee for Vice President in 2008 to dressing up in a neon bear costume and rapping a gender-switched version of “Baby Got Back” on The Masked Singer?

I smell a desperate need for cash now that her husband left her. Maybe she’s got alimony to pay up, or maybe she’s still just that same media whore looking to extend her Fifteen Minutes into  half hour?

After MGB™ was unmasked, she said:

“This [show] is something that our country needs now.”

What? An excuse for a half-term, full-fledged, white-trash, dumb-ass, trailer-park-squatting asshat to get on TV?

Pass.

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It's Snarkurday!

Lisa Kudrow played my favorite character on Friends, Phoebe Buffay; I always like the slightly off-center, random characters because, yeah, they’re like me.

And though Kudrow has been working steadily since Friends ended forty years ago, she is still constantly asked about the show and the possibility of a reunion. But, while appearing on Watch What Happens Live with Andy Cohen, Andy asked her which guest star was the worst ...

“The worst behavior just off the top of my head? I rehearsed without makeup most of the week and then on show night I’m in hair and makeup and I was told [by the guest star], ‘Oh, wow, now you’re’ — can I say it? ― ‘now you’re f**kable.’ That’s bad behavior, I say.”

What she wouldn’t say was who it was, and the internet immediately jumped on Charlie Sheen until Kudrow later shot that down.

So ... who do you think it was ... Alec Baldwin comes to mind; but then there are so many more ... Jon Lovitz, Bruce Willis, Sean Penn, Jean-Claude Van Damme. And what about a woman—Kudrow never said it was a man—could it have been Susan Sarandon?

For me, because he played a character that dated both Phoebe and her “twin” Ursula, my money’s on Penn.

Plus ... he’s kind of a dick.

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So, the podcast Missing Richard Simmons was created by one of Simmons’ friends, filmmaker Dan Taberski, who is trying to find out what happened to Simmons, who seemingly vanished from public view.

It’s been over three years since Simmons has been seen or spoken to his friends, and so people began wondering; he and his reps have released statements saying he’s got a busted knee and is just trying to mend and heal in private, but even his famous exercise studio has closed because he’s not there to work out.

On a recent episode of MRS, Taberski talked to another Simmons’ friend, Mauro Oliveira, who believes Simmons’ longtime housekeeper, Teresa Reveles, is controlling him and his bank accounts. Last year, Oliveira told the New York Daily News that in April 2014, he went over to Simmons’ Hollywood Hills home and that Richard said they could no longer be friends. Mauro tried to talk to Richard, but housekeeper Reveles kicked him out of the house. 

Mauro now says that Reveles put a black magic spell on Simmons and also believes Reveles, Richard’s manager and his brother were all holding him hostage. After Mauro squealed to NYDN, Richard Simmons gave a phone interview to The Today Show and said that he’s not being held hostage and he really just wants to stay home and do nothing.

Seriously? Does that sound like Simmons? And then, after Mauro repeated those claims on MRS, Richard’s rep, Tom Estey, released a statement:

“Teresa has been working with him for ... [27 years]. So, holding him hostage is the biggest, I mean … Teresa is the housekeeper, she’s the caretaker, she is extraordinary, she is amazing, she takes impeccable care of Richard and she has for as long as I have been working with Richard, so that is a complete load of crap. Richard made a choice. To live a more private life. If he decides to come back, he’ll come back.”

That sounds plausible, because the black magic voodoo angle is just crazy, but still, who ever thought Richard Simmons would choose to disappear? So, maybe there is something there ... ?

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During her acceptance speech for Album of the Year at this year’s Grammys, Adele referred to Simon Konecki, the father of her son and partner of 5 years, as her “husband.” But then backstage, she threw the car in reverse and went back to calling him her “partner.”

So ... what the what?

It appears Konecki is actually Adele’s husband now, because she told the crowd at a concert in Brisbane last week while talking about the feelings of her song Someone Like You:

“I was trying to remember how it was I felt at the beginning of the relationship that inspired that record because as bad as a break up can be, as bitter and horrible and messy as it can be, that feeling when you first fall for someone is the best feeling on earth, and I am addicted to that feeling. Obviously I can’t go through with those feelings because I’m married now. I’ve found my next person.”

One thing she isn’t saying is how long she has been married, but, you know, I love that Adele is just Adele and doesn’t feel the need to release every single aspect of her life on social media and opts to keep some things private.

Just sayin’ ... Beyonce.

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So, we know that Paul Burrell, the former royal butler, who dubbed himself Diana’s “rock”, has come out as gay and engaged to his business partner lawyer, Graham Cooper.

What you may not know is that Burrell ALLEGEDLY once had an orgy with up to 10 other men aboard Royal Yacht Britannia ... though probably not when that other Queen was onboard.

But she found out about it and while the other men involved faced disciplinary repercussions for the sex, Burrell was let off after the Queen spoke to him and told him to settle down and find a wife.

What the what? Burrell’s agent—cuz he’s writing another tell-all—Adam Muddle says:

“[Paul] wants to talk about the scandal that happened on the Royal Yacht Britannia, which is where members of the navy were dismissed for being caught up in a gay orgy. Paul was there. But he wasn’t arrested or subjected to any sort of criminal charges, because he was the Queen’s right hand man at that point.”

I think maybe he was the right hand man to a lot of men.

Just sayin’. But seriously, how's that for a job? You get nailed—perhaps the wrong word choice but I’ll let it go—for having an all-male orgy on your boss’s boat and all the boss says is, “Find a wife.”

I need a job like that.

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Well, Scarlett Johansson just filed for divorce from her second husband, Frenchman Romain Dauriac, and there are already rumblings about a nasty custody battle.

Johansson sued Dauriac in Manhattan Supreme Court calling their marriage “irretrievably broken” and asking a judge to give her primary custody of their 3-year-old daughter, Rose Dorothy Dauriac.

Dauriac’s attorney, Harold Mayerson, said his client plans to fight the request because he “would like to move to France with his daughter” because Johansson does a lot of traveling.

It was just two months ago Johansson announced that the couple had split last summer because she decided she didn’t have that much in common with him; and after the breakup the couple worked very well in co—parenting, and each spent every other week with Rose.

Then Johansson temporarily moved to New Zealand last year to film “Ghost in the Shell” and wanted to switch to a shorter schedule where she had Rose for three days and then Dauriac took her for two days.

When Dauriac protested that his life was starting to revolve around Johansson’s schedule, he was told by her lawyer that “this is what they do in Hollywood” and he was like, “Oh l'enfer, no."

Oh hell no. 

And so it looks to turn nasty and grabby ... because this is what they do in Hollywood.

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Azealia Banks is ALLEGEDLY a rapper, but all I know of her is that she’s shrieks and screams at strangers, threatens to kill folks, and doesn’t show up to court when ordered.

In fact, a Manhattan judge just scolded Banks for failing to turn up for court and then because she tried to dismiss her absence as mere tardiness.

Justice Kathryn Paek issued a bench warrant for Banks’ arrest when she failed to show up to a hearing for ALLEGEDLY biting the boob of a female bouncer who tossed her from a West Village club.

And where was Banks? She was at Paris Fashion Week partying in denim thong shorts, though her lawyer, Jess Berkowitz, tried to say she was just “out of the country” and that she thought her court date was later in the week.

And when Banks finally appeared in court—wearing a black dress with a skeleton design, knee-high vinyl boots and a Chanel purse—she said:

“I just wanted to apologize for being tardy.”

Judge Paek was not playing:

“Not tardy! You missed your court date, your case is on for hearing and trial, and you did not appear. Do you understand the difference?”

Assistant District Attorney Andrea Kimmel reminded the judge that Banks had “failed to appear in this case multiple times, including the first trial date” and asked for $2,000 bail, but Paek went easy on Banks because ... well, I call it The Lohan Syndrome—celebrities have it easier than regular folk because they’re celebrities.

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Tom Hiddleston is doing the rounds to promote his new art project, Kong: Skull Island, and since he spilled his feelings about Taylor Swift in a GQ interview, he’s being asked about her over and over and over again, and getting all Tom Pissyton about it. When both The Telegraph and Savannah Guthrie of Today asked him about Taylor, he muttered that his private life is private.

Yes, he did; the guy who paraded around a beach last year with Swifty whist wearing a “I Heart TS” tank top is now asking for privacy.

Still, Guthrie brought up Tom’s GQ interview and asked him what it was like to go through a really public relationship and he giggled and said his work is public, but his private life is not. 

Now, when The Telegraph also asked if he regretted the attention of the Swifty Affair and Hiddles got piddled and snapped:

“What should I regret, in your mind?”

Then he calmed down and said:

 “I would rather not talk about this if that’s alright. I’m just thinking about this ... everyone is entitled to a private life. I love what I do and I dedicate myself with absolute commitment to making great art ...”

And we’ll stop; great art ... Kong: Skull Island. Seriously.

I used to think the man was hot and then he started dating Swifty and wearing that ridiculous shirt and dressing her up like the Queen Mum on a visit home and I thought he was a lunatic, but calling Kong: Skull Island great art proves the man is delusional as f**k.
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