The Funny Papers

Clay Bennett, Michael de Adder, Adam Zyglis, JD Crowe, Darrin Bell, Kevin Siers, Jack Ohman, Deb Milbrath, Nick Anderson, John Cole, Walt Handelsman, Rick McKee, Marc Murphy, Ann Telnaes, Ed Hall

Random Musings

So, maybe New Jersey Governor Chris Christie is, as Britney used to say, “not so innocent.”

The prosecutors in the BridgeGate trial—where Christie is accused of closing lanes on the George Washington Bridge, backing up traffic for days, because a Democrat didn’t endorse him—say Christie knew all about it.

Maybe when he gets sent to prison he can try the Teresa Giudice Diet and come out of the slammer a new, slimmer version of his asshatted self?

Let me make this queer: if your idea of protesting the police shootings of black men is to bust into a store and steal something, you are not a protester, you are a thief.

M'kay? You are part of the problem. Take a seat while the grownups talk.

Hot Men … new TV Season.

We watched a movie last weekend called Common, a BBC film about England's controversial “joint enterprise doctrine” wherein someone can be jailed for, say, a murder, without having taken part in the crime at all. Interesting movie, but the hottie that starred as the teenager who was jailed for murder though he had nothing to do with it is one hot Nico Mirallegro, top right.

Then, whilst watching the Emmys, when Veep won as Outstanding Comedy, I spotted a hot man standing in the back ground. I had no idea who he was, perhaps a writer or producers or something, but the next day I saw a video and there he was, being interviewed. He’s Reid Scott, top middle, and he has some dreamy eyes!

Also winningly handsome at the Emmys was Sterling K. Brown, top right  — he was Chris Darden in The People v OJ  — and he’s starring in a new show called This Is Us. And, also in that show, man can I segue or what, is Milo Ventimiglia, bottom left, swarthy and sexy.  

Finally, in the last episode of the season for Major Crimes, we met Daniel Di Tomasso, bottom middle, as a new detective in the squad, and Jamie Martz, bottom right, as a white supremacist, drug dealing, gun running, real estate slumlord; his character was ugly on the inside but hot on the outside … where it counts.

I kid … ?

_____ believes that, in the wake of the recent bombings in New York and New Jersey, that we should be able to racially profile Muslims.

Okay then, let’s do it, but then let’s also racially profile the white guys, like the one who murdered nine people in a Charleston church, or the one who shot up a Planned parenthood in Colorado, or the one who blew up the Alfred P. Murrah Federal Building in Oklahoma City.

What’s good for the goose …

So, Mistress Maddie wanted the scoop on the Ceiling Fan Installation at Casa Bob y Carlos because she thought there might be more to the story …

Well, there isn’t; though Carlos and I have been snippy and snappy and pissy and bitchy whilst doing other home renovations projects, we each took the high road this time and even laughed about the mistakes we made.

Like … trying to assemble the first ceiling fan while standing on either side of the same ladder and holding the pieces in our hands. I suggested that, for the second one, we build it on the kitchen island, and then hold just one completed fan motor and bracket on the ladder.

Like … I told Carlos to read all the instructions, and then we did … except for page 7, which dealt with the remote control. I was all Holy $&^#, do we really need a remote control for a fan? So, we left it off, until we realized that this new modern version has just one way of controlling fan speed … via the remote control. So we had to remove the top cover and detach the wiring and then slip in the receiver and reattach the wires to that, and then replace the top cover, and, Voila!, adjustable fans via remote control.

But again, and I cannot stress this enough, no husbands were physically hurt, or got their feelings hurt, during the installation!

Hate costs, North Carolina, and it’s cost you almost $400 million dollars … most of it from sporting organizations like the NBA, NCAA AND ACC who have pulled their events from the state in light of your anti-LGBT Hate Bill.

You can thank your governor, the soon-to-be-run-out-of-office, Pat McCrory.

Speaking of North Carolina and Hate … Despite pressure from business leaders and Governor Hate, er, McCrory, Charlotte Mayor Jennifer Roberts, above at Charlotte Pride, says the city will not repeal its anti-LGBT ordinance, which led to HB2 because the state’s General Assembly doesn’t need Charlotte to rescind its ordinance in order to repeal HB2.

The ordinance, which was nullified by HB2, extended anti-discrimination protection to the LGBT community and would have allowed transgender people to use the bathroom or locker room of their gender identity.

Legislative leaders had made dropping the ordinance a condition for repealing HB2, and yet these same legislators accuse sports groups of using extortion to get the bill dropped?

Pot.Kettle.STFU.

In the You’ll Never Hear Of Me Doing This … apparently some men, some men, are having Botox injected into their … gimme a minute, this hurts … their scrotum, and the numbers are on the rise!

The operation, which can cost up to $3,600, eases sweaty balls, lessens the appearance of wrinkles, and makes the scrotum appear larger by helping the muscles relax.

Huh. My nut-sack could be smooth as a baby’s bottom, look much larger and not glisten?

Yeah, still not gonna do it.

Now for some bad news … apparently the “5 Second Rule” is not true!!

Professor Donald Schaffner, a food microbiologist at Rutgers said, following a two-year study, that no matter how fast you pick up food that falls on the floor, you will pick up bacteria with it.

It took them two years to figure that one out?

Rump Jr. sent out this Tweet in the wake of the New York and New Jersey bombings this week:

He was instantly castigated for being the dick that he is … cuz, you know, he was born in the Dick Tree:

And then Skittles weighed in to remind Little Junior that Skittles are candy, not people:

But here’s the sick part …this kind of analogy has been used for years by white supremacists to overgeneralize about various minority groups. It was used on message boards and as social media memes — originally used M&Ms was the candy in question — but that changed after George Zimmerman gunned down Trayvon Martin while he was walking home from buying a drink and … oh yes … some Skittles.

But the poisoned candy analogy goes back even further, to an anti-Semitic children’s book published by Julius Streicher, publisher of the Nazi newspaper Der Stürmer, who was executed in 1946 as a war criminal:

“Just as poisonous mushrooms spring up everywhere, so the Jew is found in every country in the world. Just as poisonous mushrooms often lead to the most dreadful calamity, so the Jew is the cause of misery and distress, illness and death.”

So Little Rump’s disgusting analogy isn’t just unoriginal and demeaning and stupid and hate-filled and xenophobic and asshatted — it’s also racist.

That’s The Rump Klan in a nutshell.