It's Monday and I'm ...

Rumor has it the Republican asshat and self-loathing trans woman Caitlyn Jenner is writing a tell-all book to punish the Kardastrophe Klan for being mean to her as she transitioned. Jenner now claims she no longer speaks to ex-wife Kris Jenner and is no longer "close" to the reality TV family. An insider claims even Kendall and Kylie have "turned their backs" on Caitlyn:

"Caitlyn figures she has nothing to lose, so she's going to write the whole truth and make them sorry for shunning her."

So she’s gonna trash her ex-wife, her step-children, and her children because they didn’t help her launch her own reality show? Is she also gonna talk about how she thinks transwomen should not be allowed to participate in sports … unless it’s golf, which is Caitlyn’s favorite sport?

Nah, she’ll leave the hypocrisy out.

This has ick written all over it.

Y’all remember when Good Morning America news anchors TJ Holmes and Amy Robach got busted for cheating on their spouses and were fired from ABC? Yeah, well TJ and Amy are apparently still going strong so what’s the ick, you say?

That would be the news that TJ’s ex-wife, Marilee Fiebig, and Amy’s ex-husband, Andrew Shue, are now dating.

Ick.

Thirsty ex-actress Jada Pinkett Smith now says said Will Smith’s infamous 2022 Oscars slap saved their marriage after they had been separated and living apart for seven years:

“After all those years trying to figure out if I would leave Will’s side, it took that slap for me to see I will never leave him.”

Huh? What? All it takes to keep Jada by your side if for you to bitch-slap an Oscar host over a dumb joke? Is that her idea of love? Of that marriage saving slap Jada says:

“I call it the ‘holy slap’ now because so many positive things came after it.”

Her husband’s career crashed and burned, the academy shunned him Chris Rock turned him and Jada into punchlines … help me see the positive here.

Oh, Jada gets more attention.

And what does Will get? Well, from the looks of Mr. Smith in Miami without his wife, he gets  a new girlfriend.

Little Willie—his nickname from the guy who claims he walked in on Will on the receiving end of some anal sex with Duane Martin—was seen leaving Miami’s Art Basel with a woman who looks a little like Jada Pinkett Smith.

Maybe Will just wants a Jada who doesn’t use him to feed her ego, and her little Facebook talk show?

Snarky Thoughts

Mismatch. I mean, we all knew Ben Affleck and JLo were two very different people. She’s a thirst queen, media whore who never saw a spotlight she didn't want trained on her face, or ass,  and he’s a quiet recovering alcoholic who seems to shy away from the spotlight. But what might have seemed like a good coupling on paper might not actually work in real life, like when Mr. and Mrs. Affleck attended the Grammys and JLo jumped in front of a camera to present an award while Ben pivoted at their table. And while she danced and sang along with each act, Ben looked like a husband who worked all day and came home to crack a bottle of scotch and sit in the La-Z-Boy until he falls sleep.

My Thought: The Misery is real and the sell-by date on this marriage is getting closer every day.

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Did you ever think Chris Brown would ever do the right thing or, failing that, act like a decent human being? Short answer: No. At last week’s Grammys his album, Breezy (Deluxe) was nominated for Best R&B Album but he lost to Robert Glasper for his album, Black Radio III. And Chrissy brought the Breezy Bratty out after his loss and sped over to Instagram to come for Glasper. Chrissy’s been nominated for 20 Grammys but has just one win and felt robbed, robbed I say, by this latest loss and tried to rip Glasper a new one; sidenote: Robert Glasper has been nominated 12 times and has five trophies and is really what set Brownie off:

“BRO WHO THE F**K IS THIS? YALL PLAYING  WHO DA F**K IS THIS? WH THE F**K IS ROBERT GLASPER.”

I’m hoping it’s someone who can at least string together a coherent sentence, but then Twitter came for Brownie so I could sit this one out:

“Chris Brown not knowing who Robert Glasper is… is the reason all of Chris Brown songs sound the same.”

“Chris Brown has 20 nominations and 1 win. He taking out his frustrations on Robert Glasper but them 19 Ls are the real enemy.”

“The irony of Chris Brown not knowing who Robert Glasper is that he’d probably have at least two Grammys instead of one if he worked with Robert Glasper. Instead, he’s been doing the same Doublemint Gum steps since ‘ever.”

My Thought: If they were giving Grammys for felony convictions Chris Brown would have been a shoe-in over Glasper.

Extra Extra! After seeing that he’d made an epic ass of himself AGAIN, Brownie went back to social media to faux-pologize but only played the Petty Betty card harder:

“Congratulations my brother. I would like to apologize if you took offense to my reaction at the Grammys. After doing my research I actually think your [sic] amazing. THE ORGANIZATION ISNT DOING US BLACKS OUR DUE DILIGENCE. YOU AND I SHOULD never be in the same categor[y] … two totally different vibes and genres.”

Yeah, Brownie, not an apology, and then suggesting Glasper was in the wrong category and you would have won had the academy done the right thing proves the delusions are real.

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The best part of this GOP Congress’ antics is that they  produce ridiculousness rather than giving us anything substantive. Case in point: at a recent hearing about The Twitter the Republicans brought up the fact that a 2019 Tweet by Chrissy Teigen wasn’t removed from the platform after Thing 45 got his Depends in a snit because she called him, um, ahem, “Pussy ass bitch.”

My Thought: That will now and forever be the best part of the Official Congressional Record.

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Philanderers Amy Robach and T.J. Holmes are still going strong after their affair went public and the lovebirds ended up unemployed from the GMA and ABC. But love conquers all, doesn’t it? Or does it become less lovely when you learn that, while they both took the boot, Amy’s boot was a Louboutin compared to T.J.’s full-assed combat boot on his fine ass, since she left with a boatload more cash in her bank account than her lovah.

My Thought: One affair will get you the boot with a nice severance, but being a serial adulterer and using your job as your personal sex pool gets you coins and cab fare.

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Snarky Thoughts

Okay, so Shakira is the latest celebrity to find out that her boyfriend was dipping his wick into another lady’s pond … yes, mixed metaphor, but y’all know what I mean. But Shakira didn’t find out by hacking his phone or hiring a private detective, she used jam. Strawberry jam. Returning to the home she shared with her partner, Shakira saw that someone had been eating her jam, and the boyfriend don’t eat jam … which is a whole other thing … so she knew that the side piece was into the Smucker’s and dumped his sorry ass.

My Thought: Don’t let the side-pieces into the refrigerator if you wanna keep your dalliances a secret. Oh, and the jam don’t lie.

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It’s been a long week for anti-Semite, and future failed presidential candidate Kanye West, what with pissing off his first wife by taking her look-a-like as his second wife that he just didn’t have time to deal with the myriad of legal troubles surrounding him. Like, you know, changing your phone numbers and not telling your legal team, forcing his lawyers to take out ads in two Los Angeles newspapers to let him know they’re quitting him.

My Thought: Jacoby & Meyers, Ye, Jacoby & Meyers; you can probably still afford them.

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Clearly someone is still desperate for attention, and yet, no, this time it isn’t about Madge, though it is Madge adjacent. I guess that even though her last two movies were about weddings, filmed specifically so JLo could give interviews about how she and Ben Affleck fought their way back to one another, that source of media glare dried up so Jennifer Lopez Affleck had to come up with a new plan to get all eyes back on her: she’s claiming that the infamous Madonna, Britney and Christina lip-locks at the 2003 VMA’s was supposed to be Madonna, Britney and JLo, but she couldn’t get the day off of working on a movie to fly to New York and deep throat Madge’s horned tongue.

My Thought: Funny how this story slipped her mind for two decades but she’s just remembered it now that she needs more attention. JLo must be parched.

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ABC News hasn’t commented yet but it seems as if the dust has settled on the married anchors bumping uglies in their off hours and Amy Robach is still employed, but TJ Holmes is out. Now, before anyone says anything about why she gets to keep her job and his adulterous ass has to pound the pavement looking for another gig, know that T.J. has ALLEGEDLY had several affairs with a few other ladies at ABC and so his pattern of schtupping coworkers sent him packing.

 My Thought: wherever TJ lands, it’ll probably be on another woman.

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Last week the Critics’ Choice Awards aired on TV and while several nominees sat out the show after testing positive for COVID, one Cate Blanchett—who skipped the Golden Globes the previous—did appear to collect her trophy for Best Actress Tár. Cate used her time onstage, on TV, in public, accepting her award to tell the crowd that these shows, are a  “televised horse race” and should never happen again, then strode offstage, award in hand.

My Thought: I’m guessing Cate just wanted to go down in  history as the last winner of the Critics’ Choice Award for Best Actress and had she not won, she would have kept her mouth shut.

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Diddy might be trying to crash Nick Cannon’s Baby Daddy party since he just had a surprise baby to add to his already large family with a woman named Dana Tran while claiming to be both “single” and yet dating rapper Caresha “Yung Miami” Brownlee. And Diddy may wanna rethink this coupling since Yung Miami just revealed on her show Caresha Please that she loves a good old-fashioned Golden Shower.

My Thought: Is that why they call him Pee Diddy?

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Snarky Thoughts

I love a good cheating scandal as much as the next queen but I never thought I’d find it on Good Morning America with Amy Robach and T.J. Holmes. Now, the cheaters would like y’all to know that they are not cheaters because “sources” claim they actually started bumping uglies after leaving their respective spouses.

My Thought: But then why did Amy and T.J. just run the New York City Marathon with Amy’s husband. Former actor Andrew Shue,  just a month ago? Doesn’t sound like Shue knew.

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We all know Drake will never be friends with Taylor Swift or anti-Semitic future presidential loser Kanye West, but perhaps it has something to do with his choice of birthday gifts? To celebrate pal DJ Khaled’s 47th birthday, Drake gave his friend FOUR luxurious toilets.

My Thought: Either Drake thinks he and Khaled’s friendship is “in the crapper” or he thinks the two of them are “the shits.”

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I forgave Jennifer Hudson for stealing my vocal stylings and for robbing me of the one role I was born to play … Effie Melody White in Dreamgirls, and for getting a talk show first, but now Miss Thing has crossed a line. Rumor has it JHud and Common might be a thing after Common was seen picking JHud up after filming her talk show in Burbank.

My Thought: ♪ ♫ And I am telling you, I'm not going ♫ ♪ ... to forgive this one so easily.

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I think Madge is not feeling so thirsty this week, but thank the goddesses that Jennifer Lopez is still parched, and still selling her marriage to Ben Affleck as the stuff of which dreams are made. It seems JLo is doing a follow-up to her album This Is Me…Then called This Is Me…Now inspired by her love with Ben. And even better she is said to be desperate to reboot Gigli, that box office and critical disaster that basically ended their romance.

My Thought: Someone get JLo a juice box stat before she remakes this film and ends the love story for the ages ... again.

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I Didn't Say It ...

Cher, on [t]Rump’s RNC promise to protect the LGBTQ community from the “oppression of a hateful foreign ideology”:

“Oh come on. He says those letters like a child that is just learning the alphabet. And then pokes his finger in the air for ‘Q.’ He is the most disingenuous man I’ve ever seen. And I want to tell you: my people will not believe him for a minute.”

The Great and Powerful Cher has spoken.

We will not vote [t]Rump.

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Jerry Falwell Jr., coming out for [t]Rump:

“We are at a crossroads where our first priority must be saving our nation. We need a leader with qualities that resemble those of Winston Churchill, and I believe that leader is Donald Trump. As Churchill did, Trump possesses the resolve to put his country first and to never give up in a world that is increasingly hostile to our values. Despite our differences, Americans from all walks of life must unite behind Trump and Indiana Gov. Mike Pence or suffer dire consequences. If Clinton appoints the next few Supreme Court justices, not only will the Second Amendment right to bear arms be effectively lost, but also activist judges will rewrite our Constitution in ways that would make it unrecognizable to our founders.”

Wait. What? [t]Rump is the ‘new’ Churchill?

Oh, honey, sit down. And, seriously, enough with the ‘they’re coming for your guns’ bull shiz; in the last eight years exactly how many guns has Obama confiscated?

Uh, that would be zero, moron.

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Amy Robach, GMA newsreader on the casting of Zendaya as Mary-Jane Watson in another Spider-Man reboot:

“We all know Hollywood has received recent and quite a bit of criticism for casting white actors in what one might assume would be reserved for colored people, is this potentially the industry trying to right itself?” 

WTF? ‘Colored people’? Has GMA gone all Good Morning 1955 America?

Robach did issue an apology, saying she meant to say “people of color” and added that the incident is “not at all a reflection of how I feel or speak in my everyday life.” I’m’a ponder that for a minute because it seemed to come out of her mouth a little too easily.

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Tony Perkins, leader of the Hate Group Family Research Council, walking back his assertion that God smites the Earth because of The Gays after God sent a flood to his house:

“Deceptive claims are being circulated on the internet that put words in my mouth about God’s role in natural disasters and what causes them. Those claims are inaccurate. What I have said, which I repeated yesterday in a sermon at Greenwell Springs Baptist Church, is that I don’t know what was behind this flood or any other natural disaster. However, as a follower of Jesus Christ, I believe the Bible which makes clear that God is sovereign over the elements of nature and can and does use them for His purposes.”

See what he did there?

He says he didn’t say it, but then he actually says what he says he didn’t say.

In 2015, Perkins agreed with Pastor Jonathan Cahn’s assessment that Hurricane Joaquin, which devastated parts of the Bahamas, was a sign of God’s unhappiness over, among other things, abortions and same-sex marriage … “God is trying to send us a message.”

God’s message to Tony Perkins is, “Sit down, fool.”

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