It's Snarkurday!

I am not into footballer Cristiano Ronaldo. He’s a little too plucked and primped and gelled and lotioned for me, but, ALLEGEDLY, that’s just fine with Badr Hari, a Moroccan kickboxer, with whom it is ALLEGED that Cristiano is having an ALLEGED gay old time.

It all began with reports in Spain that claimed Madrid officials — and Madrid is a team, not just a city — were concerned about Ronaldo’s lifestyle affecting his performances. See, it seems Ronaldo frequently flies to North Africa after sessions with his team to spend time with Hari.  And, because of that, Daniel Riolo, host of France’s ‘Touche pas a mon sport’, hinted that pair were more than just friends:

“Ronaldo takes three or four jets a week to see a friend in Morocco to cuddle.”

And, well, the pictures Hari posts on social media do show a holiday vacation he took with Cristiano … with Cristiano being lifted up in Hari’s arms above the caption:

“Just married. Always there to pick you up, bro”.

And other pictures show a candle-lit image of a traditional Moroccan meal, as well as a picture of the “couple” pair post “wedding”.

Now, to be fair, Ronaldo has been linked with every hot female swimsuit model currently alive on the planet but … Ronaldo’s love of fashion, accessories and grooming have always led people to question his sexuality in the past, and he’s responded quite vaguely:

“I’m at ease with my sexuality so it’s not a problem for me.”

So maybe gay … maybe not?

Kim and Kanye named their new baby boy, Saint.

Saint West.

Again, this is what happens when Big Ego marries Big Ass.

Speaking of “maybe gay” … Tom Cruise and David Miscavige? I mean, they’re both single now that Katie Holmes Shawshanked Cruise and Miscavige’s wife has “disappeared.”

The Daily Mail has interviews with several former Scientologists who dish the dirt on how much quality time Cruise and his BFF, megalomaniac Scientology leader Miscavige spend together in Scientology compounds around the globe where the two men are waited on hand and foot by Scientology minions who work 24/7 for next to nothing.

Cruise stays for months in a luxurious Scientology-owned villa in Hemet, California, smack dab between a giant mansion built for L. Ron Hubbard’s return — Scientologists think L. Ron will come back in another body and will need a mansion in which to live — and his BFF Miscavige.

And Gary Morehead, former Co$ head of security, says this has lead to a “real bromance between [Cruise and Miscavige]. They do everything together – travel, exercise and cigar smoke together.” He even relates how Miscavige joined Tom and Katie on their honeymoon.

And Morehead says that Tommy is trapped in Scientology and will never ever leave the cult … of his BFF:

“I know people who have worked with Cruise and he’s in it for life. Imagine if you were Tom Cruise – to admit to yourself that you were wrong, it’s a huge blowout. To admit that you’d been hoaxed, that would be very hard to accept.”

Especially when you’re nuts.

There are some celebrities that seem like normal people and act like normal people, and then there’s Madonna … nothing normal about her.

After her show in London, Madge left the O2 Arena, but the streets were overflowing with people and cars also leaving the concert and so Madonna … Madonna … was forced to sit in traffic like regular people; and she was not having it.

Her driver pulled out a flashing red light, placed it on the dashboard and then cut right though traffic playing like he was a police officer; and The Sun, a London paper, has pictures of it, witnesses, who say that, in addition to the flashing lights, there was also a siren blaring from the car.

Well, that siren blaring could have been just Madonna “singing.”

At any rate, now Scotland Yard is investigating and if anyone is hit with charges, it would be Madge’s driver … and you know she’ll sell him down the river because that’s how that bitch rolls.

Let’s recap: Back in May, Johnny Depp was filming Pirates of Caribbean 5: Nobody Cares Anymore in Australia and his new wife, “actress” Amber Heard joined him in Queensland, along with their dogs, Pistol and Boo, via private plane. Heard never got the proper paperwork on the dogs and didn’t follow the proper protocols involved with bringing foreign animals into Australia.

It was all a big to-do with Aussie Agriculture Minister Barnaby Joyce going so far as to say he would have Boo and Pistol euthanized, and Amber calling Joyce a famewhore. But, she ended up taking the dogs out of the country, and both Amber and Johnny said they’d never be back … unless there is going to be a Pirates of Caribbean 6: Who The F**k Asked For This.

Still, she was charged with “illegally importing” the dogs and here’s the update: Heard plans to plead not guilty to charges of ALLEGEDLY and illegally sneaking the dogs into Australia and, through her lawyer, because Amber can’t speak without a script, she says she  will fight charges  although she respects “the importance of Australian laws.”

Guffaw. She’s just the spoiled wannabe actress wife of a spoiled fading film star who doesn’t think the rules apply to her.

If found guilty, Heard could face up to 10 years in prison and a $75,000 fine for the two counts of illegal importation as well as up to one year in prison and a $7,500 fine for the ALLEGED false documents.

The good news? Prison could keep her from, ahem, “acting” any more and that way we all win.

Mandy Moore likes her animals, and apparently she likes them so much she wants her soon-to-be ex-husband, Ryan Adams, to pay, um, pet support?

Ryan filed for divorce back in January, and 11 months later, nothing is finalized because they are The Bickersons over who will pay the mortgage on the house — in which she currently lives and yet he pays half the mortgage — and who will pay for their pets.  Yup, the divorce isn’t final because Moore and Adams can’t reach an agreement on money or what to do with their eight pets. 

Moore is whining that her annual income is just a quarter of his and so she needs cash money for the animals:

“I feel as if I have no alternative. Although I love our pets, it is overwhelming for me to take care of eight of them all of the time, even while I travel for work … Without Ryan’s help caring for the house and our pets, I have not been able to work as much as I would like.”

So, she wants the court to order Ryan to pay her $37,000 a month for her and their pets.

Oh yeah, he makes $151,000 a month and Moore makes a paltry $37,500 a month, not enough to care for herself and felines and canines, so she desperately needs that extra 35K a month.

Seriously, Mandy? It’s time to take a seat and think for a moment.

And, speaking of divorce settlements …

Melanie Griffith and Antonio Banderas — who have been split up for a looong time — have only just now completed the asset-splitting portion of their divorce, and Melanie will be getting a whopping $65,000 a month in spousal support.

Now, they do have a daughter together, but Stella in 19 so this 65K isn’t child support; it’s all Melanie.

According to final divorce docs, Antonio made a lot of coins on “The Mask of Zorro,” “Desperado,” and “Spy Kids” and he will keep all that cash; Melanie, likewise, will keep all her film earnings from … What? “Working Girl”? I mean, what else has she done since the 80s?

Still, the deal is that  Melanie and Antonio split money from every movie either of them did between 2004 and 2014, including “Shrek 2,” “Puss in Boots,” “Machete Kills,” “Expendables 3″ and all the others that Antonio did while Melanie sat at home taking a long soak.

Rich people problems; though it makes me wonder, how can I get Antonio to marry me so I can get 65K a month, too?

I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

Most of us have known for years that Justin Bieber is a douche, but it’s only been about a week since we also learned he's a racist douche after not one, but two, and some say many more, videos have dropped showing him to be a lover of the N-word and the KKK.

Well, his peeps have a plan to save Justin's career, and, of course, their paychecks: have him baptized in a bathtub.

Oh, but they did. Pastor Carl Lentz — who works with Bieber in NYC — spent a week doing intense Bible study with Justin last month, focusing on studying Bible passages and attending services … culminating in an actual baptism performed in the bathtub of a friend.

Why a bathtub?  JB previously checked out a bunch of churches for the dip — but his cover was blown every time and he wanted to keep the whole thing private. Plus, you know, he really needed a bath.

Jennifer Lopez and Casper Smart were never going to last, and after the latest rumors about Casper’s sexting affair with transsexual model Sofie Viss, there was no way it could continue.

But the funny thing is that, though the story of Casper's dalliances with transsexual model's broke just last week, JLo is trying to tell us that the couple broke up a month-and-a-half ago, you know, so it doesn't look like her Little Boy cheated on her. But, um, he went to a photo shoot with Jell-O just last week and is still living in the manse, so, yeah, lie.

I mean, how could anyone cheat on JLo when that's what she does? It's a shame, though, that her book on love will be coming out now that she's a single gal on the block.

Oops, i typed too soon, because it seems now that JLO might already be dating dancer Maksim Chmerkovskiy who is amazingly only ten years younger than Jell-O.

So, perhaps the Biggest Media Whore™ in the world isn't named Kardastrophe, or called That Woman, after all. No, the Biggest Media Whore™ of all time has to be Tori Spelling.

First we had the reality series about Tori and Dean cranking out babies after they met and banged in Canada while away from their respective spouses. Then we had Tori doing a reality show about opening a business, moving from LA, buying a house in LA, which all lead up to the inevitable Tori Spelling reality show about her cheating husband cheating on her and their subsequent attempts to stay together.

That series ended and not it appears that the Biggest Media Whore™ and her lapdog husband want to do a reality show about how they found their way back to one another and will renew their wedding vows on, where else, reality TV followed by another Reality TV Baby.

Biggest Media WhoriTori. Cue vomit.

So, those crazy kids Antonio Banderas and Melanie Griffith, who also met while cheating on their spouses some twenty years ago, have called an end to their eighteen-year marriage. 

Is it because Melanie spends more time in rehab and a plastic surgeons office than at home, or is it because Antonio suffers from WPS, Wandering Penis Syndrome?

Whatever .. they are both spinning the “We have thoughtfully and consensually decided to finalize our almost twenty years marriage in a loving and friendly manner honoring and respecting each other, our family and friends and the beautiful time we have spent together.”

If it's all so lovely and sweet and friendly, why divorce? Oh yeah, rehab, Botox, schtupping.

Halle Berry has been court-ordered to pay $16,000 a month in child support to her first Baby Daddy, Gabriel Aubry, and the world is going crazy.

Why? Because a woman is paying child support. But Halle makes much more money than Aubrey and if little Nahla is expected to continue to live the life of luxury her mama provides, then she needs that same lifestyle with daddy.

It's only fair; if Aubrey was the money man in that relationship, he'd be coughing up the dough and no one would care, so it’s only right that Halle write the checks until Nahla turns 19, or graduates high school.

And by then Halle will also be paying child support to ex-husband and baby Daddy Two, Olivier Martinez.

Remember watching Lindsay Lohan on her reality show docu-series and listening to her talk about how her family is the most important thing in her life? Well, I do, but apparently Lindsay herself has forgotten.

See, it seems Lindsay's youngest brother, Dakota, was graduating from high school recently and Lindsay couldn't be bothered to attend because she's busy filming her comeback appearing on a cheap sitcom partying in London.

In fact, rather than celebrate her brother's transition from high school to college--something Lindsay knows nothing about--she's been posting pictures of her London rampages from party to party, pipe to pipe.

Of course, Dakota's daddy, the patriarch of crazy, Michael Lohan, also skipped the event, though he had a better excuse; he needed to stay in Florida and babysit his kids because their mother is in jail.

Does Hallmark make a card for that?

Khloe Kardashian has been laying low since The Pre-Divorce Ceremony of Kim and Kanye, but one thing she has done is take to Instagram post a picture of brother Rob and herself as children and bemoan his absence from the family, saying:

 “I miss my best friend @robkardashian.”

Rob, though, will never see it, because right after he fled Italy, before The Pre-Divorce Ceremony, he either got into a fight with Kim because she said he's fat or got into a fight with That Woman because she thinks he's a disgrace to the family since he doesn't whore himself out at every turn.

I think he's looking like the only smart one in that whole Klan.

Michael Jackson‘s kids — Paris, Prince and Blanket — were never going to be short on cash, we all knew that. They were born rich and they’ll die rich, er, richer, because Jacko is now worth more dead than he ever was alive and his children reap the benefits by having an allowance of $8 million dollars a years, with an additional $20,000 per month of "walking around money."

Yes, that's what I said. And what do they spend it on?

Prince spent $50,000 on custom-made jewelry for three of his girlfriends, plus $40,000 on a new Ford pick-up truck. But he'S desperate to save money so he can buy back Daddy's Neverland Ranch, currently in control of creditors, for the asking price of $35 million.

Paris also spends money on hangers-on friends, but a large chunk of her money goes toward her continuing stay at a therapeutic boarding school, following last year’s suicide attempt. 

Blanket takes his cousins to expensive dinners and movies at a cost of $500-per-person-per-night plus tip; he also spends $200 an hour for karate lessons and a personal trainer.

All three offspring take three vacations a year, totaling $350,000 including first-class airfare and security; in Hawaii, they stay in a $5,500-per-night suite; in Vegas, they rent the Bellagio’s penthouse suite for 5K per night.

Sheesh. My allowance barely covered Gummy Bears, but you just know these three kids will turn out normal. I mean, they have the examples of LaToya and Jermaine to follow, right?

So, Lea Michele has moved on after the drug overdose of former co-star and boyfriend Cory Monteith. But has she chosen wisely? You be the judge.

She has been secretly dating a man named Matthew Paetz for a few months. He's rather good-looking and often works as a model, which Lea must like, but I wonder how much she knows about his other job as an escort?

On his Facebook profile, Paetz lists his occupation as a “certified life coach, dating expert and massage therapist” — whatever that means — but on his escort page on Cowboys 4 Angels, where he goes by the name of “Christian”, his occupation is listed as “Straight Male Escort For Women – Male Companion For Women”.

But maybe now that he's hooked himself a real star Paetz has taken a hiatus from being a Cowboy for an Angel.

So, it was only a month or so ago that serial gambler Ben Affleck was caught counting cards at the Hard Rock Casino in Vegas and ejected, though, to be fair, he was subsequently invited back.

But now he's in Detroit filming Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice and spends a great deal of time over the border at the Caesars Windsor Hotel and Casino in Windsor, Ontario and he's taken the card counting act on the road and was promptly kicked out again.

An eyewitness — and I'd say it was Lohan if she wasn't drunk and bobbing up and down on the Thames about now — says, “Ben walked in and went straight to the card games. His hair was a disaster, and he looked like a mess! He sat down and played for roughly 20 minutes before security heard he was there. They made the dealers stop what they were doing and asked him to leave. Ben seemed pretty mad.”

Mad? At being caught counting cards again? Affleck needs to find a new shtick, like, oh, I dunno, going home to his family after work?

There’s a saying that goes Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned and that appeared to be true this week when Kanye West, after Jay Z and Beyoncé skipped out on his Pre-Divorce Ceremony, omitted Jay Z’s name from all of his lyrics during his recent performance at Austin’s X Music festival.

It was first noted by a concert-goer, who goes by the tag ‘okstatetw,’ on an online forum Kanye to the (via Consequence of Sound) who noticed something peculiar about Kanye’s rap: “First time he [skipped Jay Z's name], I [thought], ‘Ehh that’s odd, maybe he’s just letting the crowd finish it whatever.’ Then [Kanye] skipped his name again … Definitely obvious and intentional.”

And Okstatetw posted two videos of Kanye onstage and the change in lyrics:  “Lucky I ain’t had Jay drop him from the team” was rapped as “Lucky I ain’t had … drop him from the team.”

In the song Blood on the Leaves, the recorded version says: “I don’t give a damn if you used to talk to Jay Z / He ain’t with you, he with Beyoncé, you need to stop actin’ lazy”.  In concert, though, Kanye again left out Jay Z’s name and revised that last line to say: “You need to stop actin’ crazy!”

Like I said, Hell hath no fury …