Snarky Thoughts

Oh the signs of Spring … the Cardinals have returned to Camden and the daffodils are blooming … flowers are sprouting and Mo’Nique is once again talking her loathing of Oprah and Tyler Perry. A refresher? Okay … Mo’Nique was hired by Lee Daniels to co-star in Precious fourteen years ago and she did. But when it came time to distribute the film, Daniels needed some coins and called in Perry and Winfrey to pay those costs. Now those two egos asked Mo’Nique to go on a press tour for the film and she demanded payment and they said ‘No, that’s not how it works,’ and thus started Mo’Nique’s Woe Is Me tour.

My Thoughts: It’s been almost fifteen years, Mo, give it up; there are no Oprah coins coming your way and you sound ridiculous burping up the same story every year.

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Grey’s Anatomy had Dr. McDreamy and Dr. McSteamy, but they also had Dr. Homophobe, AKA Isaiah Washington, who was fired from the show for a homophobic slur filled rant way back in Ott-Seven. Well, you know sometimes those who spew hate lose jobs and Washington’s mostly been working on joining the MAGAt cult and took to Twitter to announce his “early retirement from the entertainment industry.”

My Thought: Keep the hate to yourself, and you can keep your next job … at Starbucks.

PS You know what else is over, besides your career? Hats; seriously, why must I keep telling you people. Hats.Are.Over.

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Cher confused us all at the end of 2022 when she posted a picture of a diamond ring she received from her new man, Alexander “AE” Edwards. It seemed like the diva was engaged but most feel like that was not the case. But now those same sources are saying that Cher’s sons, Chaz Bono and Elijah Blue Allman are not at all pleased that mama may marry a man who is 17 years younger than Chaz and ten years younger than Elijah. They seem to think that Ae is after Cher’s coins and mama may just cut them out of the will if they continue this nonsense.

My Thought: By acting the fools over their mother’s relationship, the two sons might just be left with her coins, but it won’t because of AE it will be due to their own meddling.

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50 Cent seems consumed with being a terrible father, of trolling Madonna, and declaring he doesn’t like getting his salad tossed, but right now, today, he’s defending the honor of his, ahem, unretouched penis. A few months ago, 50 filed a lawsuit when a picture he took with plastic surgeon Angela Kogan was posted alongside an interview she did with The Shade Room about penis enhancement surgery; he sued the doctor, the med spa she owns, and The Shade Room for implying he had his ding-a-ling lengthened. He ALLEGEDLY settled with The Shade Room for an undisclosed amount.

My Thought: We all know Fiddy has old pictures of his dick, so why not just whip it out and prove he didn't add a little length to his Two-Bit Dick.

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That Woman, you know, the one who sold her daughter’s private sex tape to a porn company to make her demon spawn famous, has sparked rumors she’s engaged to longtime boyfriend Corey Gamble after flashing a massive diamond ring on social media. The ring, which featured a simple band with clear-cut stone sitting proudly in the center, is estimated to be worth over $1.2 million.

My Thought: How does That Woman’s boyfriend, who may or may not have a job other than being her sidepiece “bodyguard”, buy a $1.2 million ring?

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Snarky Thoughts

Reboots annoy me because I say why mess with the original unless it was a real piece of crap. And Naked Gun, and all its sequels, were far from crap. They were stupid humor and sight gag riots and very funny, yet Hollywood clearly thinks it’s time to revive them. So, who will they get to star, and take over the role made famous by Leslie Nielsen? It’s none other than comedy legend Liam Neeson, who is  in talks to take over the role as Nielsen’s character’s son, Frank Drebin Jr.

My Thought: I’ve seen Liam nekkid and perhaps they should call the film Naked Bazooka. But please don’t make Naked Gun: 5: Taken: 6.

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Kevin Spacey took the stand in his own defense to dispute allegations he sexually assaulted actor Anthony Rapp four decades ago, and promptly told the jury that his father was a neo-Nazi.

My Thought: Spacey’s first excuse for being an ALLEGED pedophile was that he’s a gay man because we all know gay men fuck children, but now he’s switched up to ‘Daddy was a Nazi.”? You’re a perv, Kevin, you’re a perv.

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I used to think Khloé Kardastrophe  was the Queen of Standing By Her Man Who Sticks His Peen Wherever He can, but it looks country singer and actor Jana Kramer—never heard of her? Me either—is stealing the crown. But now Kramer has decided to divorce former football player Mike Caussin—who told her he would dump her ass if she ever cheated—and ALLEGES that he cheated on her with thirteen different women.

My Thought: Do Tristan or Caussin have magic penises? I mean, why else would women put up with this?

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If you have always believed the Kardastrophe’s are a Koven, I have some proof for you. After years of running around pimping sex tapes of her daughter, and the lives of her other spawn, That Woman had to have hip-replacement surgery. But instead of showering her mother with good wishes and kindness, Kimmy asked for Mama’s hip bones so she could turn them into jewelry.

My Thought: I know That Woman is, as kd lang once famously sang, A Big Boned Gal, but seriously how many pairs of earrings can you get from her hip bones? 200? 300?

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I don’t know much about actor Megan Fox but I do know I love this story. Fox—who rarely shares public photos of her children—did share pictures of herself posing seductively on a swing at the home she shares with fiancé Machine Gun Kelly. And one troll decided to come for her by asking, “Where your kids at?” and Fox replied: 

“Wait wait wait. I…have kids?!? Oh my god I knew I forgot something!! Quick, someone call the valet at the Beverly Hills hotel. That’s the last place I remember seeing them. Maybe someone turned them into lost and found.”

My Thought: and that’s how the clap back is done.

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I loathe Tom Brady, and today, if possible, I loathe him even more. Brady was a guest on the Let’s Go podcast and decided to talk—which is clearly not his strong suit, but neither is staying married—about how he has a tough time focusing on his family during football season. And he compared himself, a pampered self-entitled multi-millionaire athlete plays a game and then goes home to his mansion every night to … wait for it, it’s epic … to service members; Brady actually said leaving for “football season [is] like you’re going away on deployment for the military. And it’s like, ‘Man, here I go again.’”

My Thought: Brady should shut the fuck up, but since we know he won’t, why not donate, oh I dunno, all of his salary to members of the military who put their lives on the line and come home disfigured and battered and suffering PTSD just so he can throw a football and win a ring.

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Snarky Thoughts

As if California doesn’t have a full court docket already, between the one-percenters and their thirst for watering their massive lawns in a drought, and Erika Girardi being sued again and again by almost everyone, Dancing With The Stars dancer, Cheryl Burke thought it would be the perfect time to take her ex-husband, Matthew Lawrence, to court and sue over custody of their French Bulldog, Ysabella.

My Thought: One-percenters are dumb.

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Rumor has it That Woman spent nearly $1,000 on edibles and got so high with daughter Khloé Kardastrophe and boyfriend caregiver Corey Gamble that she began playing peek-a-boo behind her napkin.

My Thought: The headline said That Woman Gets Stoned and it was the wrong kind of stoning for me.

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The ongoing saga of Tom Brady and Gisele Bündchen‘s crumbling marriage can now be solved: it’s over. After pleading with her ego-centric husband for years to quit football and stay home with the family, Brady agreed and retired, and then promptly unretired, and now Gisele has hired a divorce lawyer and Tom is pissy.

My Thought: Check your giant ego at the door and realize you have a wife and children who might like to see you.

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Since she took Katy Perry off her Hate List, Taylor Swift has a lot of free time on her hands so what’s a tacky, second-rate “singer” songwriter to do? Go back and reignite an old feud from 2013 with Kanye West, with a side of Kim Kardastrophe, and issue a diss record top clap back ten years.

My Thought: Taylor? Honey? You’re a grown ass woman, not a sophomore in high school, so please act like it and move on. IT’S BEEN ALMOST TEN YEARS!!!!

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The theme for the 2023 Met Gala has been announced—c’mon, you know you care—and it’s a doozy: Karl Lagerfeld: A Line of Beauty.

My Thought: I imagine Anna Wintour, since she has the power, will have Lagerfeld’s body exhumed and place him front and center and no one will notice since, even alive, he looked like a corpse.

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Sharon Osbourne, the former “The Talk” co-host who was, agrees with Kanye West about Black Lives Matter being a “scam” and said she gave “$900,000 to [BLM] and like my money back please.”

My Thought: For someone who was fired from “The Talk” for looking and sounding like a racist, Sharon hasn’t learned her lesson.

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Snarky Thoughts ... But First, Ian

Before we get to the Snarky Thoughts, we made through Ian quite nicely. Our weather turned cold which not only created less rain than expected—though we did get just under 4 inches on Friday—but also helped deflate the winds, so, for us, it was just a long day of steady rain and cool temperatures … and red wine, for me.

Now, onto the Snark:

Filed Under: Who Cares … Except the Kardastrophes. Apparently, after years of telling Khloé  she was, ahem, “too fat” for their brand, the Kardastrophe Koven is now said to be worried that Khloé  is too thin.

My Thought: Their real concern is that her new thin body makes the rest of them look fat.

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It was just last month that Jennifer Flavin filed to divorce Sylvester Stallone after 25 years of marriage, and it was a few days later when Sly actually covered up his tattoo of her face with a tattoo of his beloved late dog, and now we learn that the two are back together.

My Thought: is he gonna re-tattoo Jennifer’s face on the dog?

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While talking to Harper’s Bazaar about all sorts of things, Oscar-winner Charlize Theron talked about fame and said that even after twenty-five years in the business she still hasn’t reached the same level of fame that Kim Kardashian has, which is a fact she has finally learned to accept.

My Thought: Does Charlize really wanna be famous cuz her mother sold a sex tape? Cuz she has an enormous ass? Cuz she was married for 72 days? Talent, Charlize, wins out. People will forget Kimmy for everything other than her ass … and by ass I meant her caboose and her ex-husband.

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Filed Under: News I Never Wanted To Know … before her fan forgets, Kardastrophe Pimp, That Woman, decided to remind them that she has a tramp stamp  featuring a cross and daughters Kendall and Kylie’s names on either side of it. No reason why she didn’t bother with her other children’s names.

My Thought: I would have assumed she had one that said, “Servants Enter From The Rear.”

PS I could say words and words and words about that muffin top but I won’t … this time.

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I’ll leave you with some fun … 76-year-old pop icon, LGBTQ+-ally, and Grand Diva, Cher, made a surprise cameo during Paris Fashion Week 2022 by closing the Balmain runway show in a skintight marbled black bodysuit with bold shoulders, matching leggings, and a pair of black platform boots as her 1998 hit “Strong Enough” played in the background.

My Thought: all those wannabes out there who strut and fret their hour upon the stage? Not one of you will ever stop a runway show cold, while the crowd roars, when you’re seventy-six.

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Snarky Thoughts

Just when you think you’ve got Kim Kardastrophe’s biggest asset memorized, she ups and makes you forget all about by bleaching her eyebrows, and then posing for a magazine cover with her perfectly normal and totally all real ass out.

My Thought: Clearly Kimmy is desperate to out-thirst Madge. Let the games begin!

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Speaking of Madonna, the sixty-four-year-old, who were learned last week has the libido of a thirteen-year-old-boy has a new boy, 23-year-old actor/model/skateboarder Andrew Darnell, who is two years younger than Madge’s eldest child.

My Thought: As they used to say about Cher, Madonna’s next boyfriend has yet to be born.

Instagram Madge  Real Madge

Cher might be wishing she could actually turn back time after erring big time while paying tribute to the late Queen Elizabeth and referring to the monarch as  a, well, cow.

Sharing a message on heartfelt social media Cher might have meant to include a goat emoji—in reference to the acronym GOAT AKA Greatest Of All Time—but got mixed up and posted a cow emoji.

My Thought: Though Cher has not yet cleared up the confusion, people are saying the emoji was a bull, because both Betty Windsor and Cher were born under the sign of Taurus … or maybe her finger slipped on the emoji page?

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More Kimmy, cuz she’s extra thirsty this week, and wants y’all to know that, while she flies private for fifteen minutes trips she does care about climate change …

“I believe in climate change, and I believe that anything can help, but I also believe in being realistic.”

Yes, it’s realistic to fly your ego-centric ass around destroying the planet all the while you do “other things” that you cannot seem to mention, to combat the climate crisis.

My Thought: Don’t forget Kimmy is also one of those wealthy Californians who think water conservation doesn’t apply to them, so, again, Kim Kardastrophe is a self-entitled delusional bitch.

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We all know the only reason we knows the Kardastrophe's is because Kimmy fucked Ray J on video, and her mama, That Woman, who’d sell her soul for a minute of fame, sold the video to the highest bidder. Of course That Woman has always denied pimping out her daughter, but we know that she’s made a career of pimping her children, except Rob because, well, he’s Rob. Still, in an effort to put the rumor to rest, That Woman took a lie detector test on The Late Late Show with James Cordon to prove to everyone she had nothing to do with it.

My Thought: Having neither soul nor conscience makes it easy to pass a lie detector test, and we all know that no one, no one, makes money off a Kardastrophe unless it’s That Woman so, yes, she sold the tape..

PS What in The Joker hell is she wearing?

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King Charles III announced in his first public address since Queen Elizabeth II’s death that his heir Prince William is now the Prince of Wales and Kate Middleton has been named the Princess of Wales, a title previously held by the late Princess Diana.

My Thought: Sorry Kate, try as hard as you like but Diana will always be the Princess of Wales.

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I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

A few years ago, musician Phil Collins went through an ugly divorce with Orianne Cevey. He was granted a divorce but she refused to leave the marital home until he had her removed, and then they got back together, though they remained divorced.

But it was while they were living together as a couple, and while Phil was on tour, that Orianne met and secretly married Thomas Bates in Las Vegas. The happy couple then took over Phil’s Miami house “‘by a show of force’ with armed guards who surrounded the property” and tried to have Phil evicted. But, once again, after a year, Phil had the lovebirds removed from his home, and suddenly Orianne was no longer happy with Thomas—who says she threatened to chop off his dick—and she filed for divorce.

And it’s through those divorce papers that we learn Orianne “ordered” Thomas through an escort service where he was, ahem, advertised as a “sexy intellectual” according to the divorce paperwork:

“At the time the parties met, Husband was employed by an escort service …. The Wife selected Husband through the escort service and insisted on dating him. The parties’ relationship rapidly progressed into a meaningful romantic relationship. Wife persuaded Husband to leave the escort service to marry her.”

Sadly, after getting the boot from Phil, Orianne posted the news of her divorce from Thomas on Instagram:

“I am filing for divorce from my husband, Thomas Bates. I believe the emotional distress of the COVID quarantine caused me to act in ways and do things that were out of character. Fortunately, I have faced challenging situations before and like I always have, I will muster the strength I can, the best team I can find and the courage to do the right thing.”

Part of that strength is gathered from entering Phil’s home—dammit, man, change the locks already—to auction off things in her life that no longer “sparked joy” … like Phil’s gold records, Phil’s awards, and 5,000 pairs of Phil’s shoes.

But all is not lost for Thomas, as he still has his dick and his escort resume, and because he and Orianne married with no prenup, the money she earns from purging her less joyous possessions is half his.

Until he finds another wife.

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Yes, I know, The Slap was the big news at the 94th Academy Awards but the Second Biggest News was Liza In A Wheelchair pushed onstage by Lady Gaga. But was that all that we thought it was, or not? The appearance of Liza Minnelli in that state caused many to worry about her physical state, but maybe the wheelchair was a second choice.

According to Liza’s friend and frequent collaborator, Michael Feinstein, Liza wasn’t happy with her appearance. Appearing on SIriusXM’s Jess Cagle Show Feinstein says Liza’s back has been giving her problems and she asked to appear onstage in a director’s chair alongside Gaga when the curtain opened, but just five minutes before she was set to present the Pest Picture award, a stage manager told her she had to use a wheelchair.

Liza initially said, “Fuck That!” and was prepared to come out on her own but Feinstein says she was forced into the wheelchair:

“She was nervous. I mean, and it made her look like she was out of it. And she was just so shaken up that it was. Can you imagine being suddenly forced to be seen by millions of people the way you don’t wanna be seen? That’s what happened to her.”

Really, Michael? Liza Effing Minnelli asks for a director’s chair and they couldn’t find one in all of Hollywood, but they just happened to have a wheelchair at the ready?

Try again.

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In 2017, Blac Chyna, who had a baby and a TV show—Rob & Chyna—with Rob Kardastrophe filed a lawsuit against the entire Kardastrophe-Jenner family—The Woman, Kourtney, Kim, Khloé, Kendall, Kylie, and Rob—over claims of assault, battery, domestic violence, defamation and interference with prospective economic relations.

Chyna, whose real name is Angela White, ALLEGED that Rob is an abuser intent on destroying Angela White, the mother of his child, and she says that, in revenge, the Kardastrophe-Jenner family became media predators, slut-shaming her on social media and killing her hit television show [‘Rob & Chyna’] which had already begun filming a second season. And so now Chyna wants $40 million for loss of earning damages and $60 million in loss of future earning capacity damages.

But the best part is that, as the trial began, Kim, Khloé, Kylie and That Woman, appeared in the courtroom during jury selection; even better, they were left unprepared for what potential jurors think of them.

These Four Whores of the Apocalypse did not like it when their lawyer, Michael Rhodes, asked a group of potential jurors if they had strong positive or negative feelings toward reality television.

One man says he’d never watched Keeping Up with the Kardastrophes but:

“I have watched [Kim] Kardastrophe’s sex tape, and I don’t think I can be impartial on this case.”

The response elicited a roar of laughter from the other potential jurors, though the K’s were less than amused. Kim was ALLEGEDLY very upset, but then, you know, don’t lay flat on your back, heels to Jesus, letting your boyfriend ride you like a rodeo clown, and don’t drop to your knees to worship Dick, and film, and then let your mother sell that tape to a porn company to jumpstart your career, m’kay?

Several other people said they knew only about the K’s because their kids watch the show and follow them on social media, while one juror admitted it would be difficult to be impartial because he doesn’t like reality TV and wished the show “wasn’t on any longer.”

Here are more juror comments:

“Anything that has to do with their names is just a big no for me. I don’t think reality TV is good for society.”

“I sincerely hope none of these people get any wealthier because of this.”

“I don’t think they were the best role models. I wouldn’t let [my daughter] watch anything involving them.”

And it’s only going to worse for the K’s once the trial actually starts because Blac Chyna will say anything to get those 100 million coins.

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I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

Spring is about to be sprung, so what better time than this for Khloé Kardastrophe to unveil yet another new face?

This week Khloé showed off Face #3, er 5, um 8 in a series of Instagram selfies featuring her mother, That Woman—a woman also not afraid of any and every cosmetic procedure—and one Martha Stewart. Khloé  explained that her mother surprised her with lunch with “Queen Martha,” whom Khloé has always adored for her organization, her kitchen and landscaping skills, her love of animals and CBD, and the fact that she “ain’t no snitch.” 

Sounds like Khloé  threatened Martha not to look askance at the new face lest the public, well, the public with eyes, notice it, too. But then we have the group shot and while Khloé’s face has changed the most from what it was last year, and earlier, last year, and 2020, and then earlier in 2020, and in 2019, one cannot help but think of the procedures Marth and That Woman have endured.

It’s a veritable Botox-a-palooza!

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Ali Landry has been divorced from Mario Lopez since 2004, but I guess when you’ve got nothing else to talk about, you rehash a marriage that ended eighteen years ago. Oh, and the marriage that ended eighteen years ago lasted all of two weeks.

Ali claimed in a recent interview that Lopez started cheating on her just days after their wedding in a way, calling it a ‘Tiger Woods’ situation.” According to Landry’s interview on the Unfolding Leadership podcast, Lopez was a serial cheater, who was fooling around on her for the six years they dated, and then the fourteen days they were married.

Landry and Lopez met in 1998—two years after she won the 1996 Miss USA pageant—when she returned to commentate the 1998 pageant where Lopez was a presenter. The two began dating , and became engaged in 2003, and married in 2004. But a week into the marriage Landry says Mario’s Wandering Dick took over:

“Not even a week [after the wedding] I found out it was like a Tiger Woods situation. It was cheating across the board.”

Despite realizing shortly after their marriage that Lopez was cheating on her, Landry says she thanks God “every single day” for the revelation. But then why bring it up eighteen years later—which  is 468 times as long as the marriage—unless, … oh yeah, publicity.

Girl bye. Mario gets no pass for being a dog, but you gotta get over it.

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I love when Kirstie Alley Tweets because she is a hot mess. Now, I don’t get to actually see her Twitter feed because I once said something anti-Scientology to Kirstie, and she threw down her ham sandwich and blocked me.

So I need people like anti-Scientology warrior Leah Remini, whose Twitter feed I follow regularly, to keep me up on the Madness of Kirstie Alley, and with this war in Ukraine, well, Kirstie has stepped out of the shadows and into the shiz.

Last week Kirstie Tweeted, and then delete, about how she didn’t know “what’s real or what is fake in this war.” Seriously, that’s what she said, but when you consider what a ginormous MAGAt she is, it kinda makes perfect sense. But, in her Tweets, Kirstie said she would “pray” about this mess of which she knows nothing about, and Leah dragged her because Scientologists do not believe in gods and prayer and faith … unless it’s long-dead L. Ron Cult-Leader Hubbard. In a Twitter response, Remini shared a screenshot of Alley’s original Tweet and asked:

“So, [Kirstie Alley] can comment on things she knows nothing about like mental health, psychiatric drugs, and virology, but she won’t comment on Putin who is an evil tyrant? No comment about Russia invading Ukraine? The killing of innocent people? The displacement of Ukrainians? She has no comment on these crimes against humanity? But she’s going to pray. Scientologists aren’t allowed to believe in anything else other than Scientology. So who is she praying to?”

Remini then shared several screenshots that included Alley’s Tweets reacting to her former Dancing With the Stars partner Maks Chmerkovskiy, who also criticized her remarks. In the post, Remini said she doesn’t typically “like to make a habit of engaging with people like [Kirstie Alley],” she said that “Scientology banks on its horrific, criminal policies not being called out.” And that “Scientology thrives when people are silent. I won’t allow their threats to me or anyone else go un-answered.”

And then Leah, who has Less-Than-Zero Fucks to give Scientology and its cult members, Remini responded to Alley calling Chmerkovskiy a “punk ass” and then dubbed Alley and other “punk ass Scientology bitches” who play “brave on social media but can’t handle any real confrontation.” Remini noted that Chmerkovskiy was in Ukraine, “in a war zone and innocent people are dying. Pretending you pray to any God is sad. I wish you did. Stand by your own belief system which tells you there is no God.”

She ended by calling Alley “sophomoric, vitriolic, and all around hateful.”

Yeah, totally Team Ukraine and Team Leah here.

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After her comments regarding the Holocaust, Whoopi Goldberg came back to The View after her two-week suspension, and. Well, a lot of folks are wondering what Sharon Osbourne, booted from The Talk for her support of racist Piers Morgan, thinks about all this. And Sharon does not disappoint when asked if she’d ever return to The Talk: 

“I would never go back to that show because CBS sucks big time dick.”

Two things to note: The Talk will never have her back, and she’s no Whoopi Goldberg.

Take a seat, Sharon Karen.

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Kanye West Ye is continuing to do his best to make sure that divorcing Kim Kardastrophe is as brutal and unpleasant as being married to Kanye West Ye. Kim has filed twice to be declared officially single while she and Ye sort out their divorce issues, but he is continuing to deny her, tossing up roadblocks like asking for the transfer of assets to be frozen during the divorce. In one of Kim’s filings, she said that Ye’s batshit and obsessive social media posts, where he attacked her and her new boyfriend, Pete Davidson, caused her emotional pain but he wants her to prove he wrote those posts.

That might be hard because it’s not like there’s evidence of Ye rapping in his own voice about wanting to beat up Pete Davidson except, oh yeah, there is actual evidence of that! Still, Ye’s lawyer says that if Kim claims she read something online that was ALLEGEDLY written by Ye, and she calls it misinformation—AKA lies—then she needs to prove that.

Funnily enough, though, that Ye’s lawyer never says Ye didn’t write the posts, just that Kim needs to prove he did.

And if that isn’t bad enough, Ye is now coming for Kim’s Koins, because he claims their prenup may not be valid. Ye’s attorney says there’s a presumption in California that prenups signed after 2001 are invalid, and the only way they can be validated is either during a trial or if both parties agree, and Ye ain’t agreeing to anything Kim says these days.

Gosh, I hate when true love dies.

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I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

So Kathie Lee Gifford’s  daughter Cassidy Gifford is married to Ben Weirda, who is the nephew of Betsy DeVos, but this isn’t about that.

It’s about Kathie dragging her offspring and their spouses to take part in an episode of Celebrity Family Feud but it looks like the only feud was between Ben’s dick and his pants, as his not-so-little Ben fought to get free of the trousers.

Somewhere Jon Hamm is smiling now that the talk will turn from the Hammaconda to Ben’s Moose Knuckle performance on a gameshow.

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It’s sad when they turn desperate and thirsty, amirite GOOP?

For her 48th birthday Gwyneth Paltrow got naked for Instagram because there is no career and no interest in her so, drop the clothes and strike a pose. It’s sad, and pathetic and desperate and cringeworthy and looks like she has one of those thousand-dollar Jade Eggs stuck in her cooch.

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First they act like they’re quitting their show, until we learn that E! canceled it, and now the mother of that klan, That Woman, finds herself at the center of a lawsuit brought by Marc McWilliams, a former security guard, who says she was all kinds of handsy with him, even after he complained to his bosses. McWilliams claims he was the victim of “a pattern of unwanted and unwelcome advances and other harassing misconduct” at the hands of That Woman, and that her lesser known daughter, Kourtney, retaliated against him when he accused Mama of being touchy-feeley.

That Woman stands accused of “massaging [Marc McWilliams’] neck, shoulders, arms and back without consent, causing her hand to rest on [his] thigh and groin, causing her pelvis to rub against [his] back and/or rear-end without consent or approval, causing her hands to come into contact with [his] rear-end without consent or approval.” McWilliams also claims That Woman exposed “portions of her body to Plaintiff in a lewd or suggestive manner.”

I would call that assault with an ugly weapon.

McWilliams says he “expressly informed” That Woman that he didn’t consent to her advances, and ended up taking the issue to the security company’s HR department; he claims his bosses did nothing about the situation, but began to punish him for made-up infractions like being late and having a bad attitude. He was eventually fired on September 12th, 2018.

That Woman, through her attorneys, denies she ever did anything wrong, but, remember, this is the woman who found her daughter’s sex rape and sold it to a porn distributor to make a few coins and get her family a TV show, so I wouldn’t trust a word that slithers from her forked tongue.

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Maybe she really doesn’t know her?

Apparently Mariah Carey—who famously responded, “I don’t know her,” when asked about JLo—also has an aversion to even writing the other singer’s name, and instead refers to Lopez as “another female entertainer on [Sony] (whom I don’t know)'".

Wow.

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Well, after years of trying to make us forget her face, Khloé Kardashian—who has had more faces and more surgeries than Cher, Faye Dunaway, and Jocelyn Wildenstein combined—has unveiled her newest mug … and it’s Beyoncé.

Cue Beyoncé Lawsuit stat!

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