Monday, March 08, 2010

Oscar Stream Of Consciousness.....Or Unconsciousness Because It Was So Effin' Long


What a stage....Glammed beyond belief....You know from the moment you see it that The Gays are in charge....It looks like one of Crawford's old dressing rooms....Without the wire hangers!....And then the music starts and we have Steve Martin and Alec....what?....N-freakin'-PH!....Brilliant!....NPH is opening the show with another fabulous dance number....Yes, Virginia, it will be especially gay!....NPH does The Oscars!....He does The Emmys!....He does The Tonys!....Whatsammatta' you, Grammys?....You ain't got no NPH love?....Big finish and then Steve and Alec descend from the rafters like Glinda the Good Witch coming to Oz....car....The jokes riff....Ba-da-bing....Ba-da-boom...They're like an old-time vaudeville act....This show needs to go on the road....There start on people in the crowd....George Clooney looks unamused, but then he can't help but smirk....Meryl Streep?....Is she "The Most Nominated Actor Ever?" Or merely "The Biggest Loser?.....Loved it....."There's that damn Helen Mirren."...."You mean, Dame Helen Mirren."....Steve tells us that he and Gabby Sidibie share something in common....In their first films they both played "poor black children."....Quentin Tarantino smirks from the crowd...Rumpled Pigskin, that man....Penelope Cruz does BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR....I will ask again...When the eff is she gonna stop with that whole "I don't speak English very well" crap....Seriously, Pen, you've been making movies for twenty years...You can speak English....The award goes to Christopher Waltz...Tucci was robbed....Flash forward his rambling speech to....HOT FLASH....Ryan Reynolds....HOT FLASH....Cameron Diaz, still looking clean'n'sober, and Steve Carrel, who's kinda cute....BEST ANIMATED FEATURE......UP!.....Pete Docter.....Blibbety Blah Blay Blue....Move on....Amanda Seyfried and Mylie Hooker Cyrus...Mylie flubs her lines because they aren't the kinds of lines she's used to doing...Then covers by saying she and Amanda are nervous...Note to Mylie: Amanda didn't flub her lines....You did....Hack....BEST ORIGINAL SONG....from Crazy Heart....T-Bone Burnett....One of the coolest dudes...HOT FLASH....Chris Pine....HOT FLASH.....Robert Downey Jr and Tina Fey....He's hot...She's funny....I'm intrigued....BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY....The Hurt Locker....Tarantino didn't win....That's kind of a win for me....Is that Jane Seymour in the audience?....How did she get in?....Molly Ringwald and Matthew Broderick intro a tribute to the late John Hughes...Then we have Molly, and Matthew....and Macauley Cuklin looking like a gown-up version of his nine-year old self....and Judd Nelson, taking over Cammie's rode-hard-and-put-away-wet style of awards show appearance....Anthony Michael Hall looking like he's a good twenty years older than his former co-stars....and Ally "What happened to my career?" Sheedy....Kristen Stewart and Taylor Lautner....those Twi-frights...intro a Horror retrospective....About Kristen Stewart...Could she have less class?....Cough Hack Spit....Could she look like she'd rather be anywhere else?....I know her acting style is sullen and morose, but judging by the way she looks and acts in public....She isn't acting....I have some advice for you, Kristen, dear....If getting dressed up and going to the Oscars is not your idea of a good time...And the look on your face, and you're "I'm so over this" demeanor, bears witness....Then go back to Dairy Queen and work the sprinkles.....Taylor?....Honey?....You're coming off gay....Not that you are....I'll give you two pings on the gaydar....:::pingping:::....But you're coming off gay.....You look scared to death to be standing by a girl....Carey Mulligan.....Little English Pixie and Zoe Saldana of the ISBL Hideous Dress Award.....BEST ANIMATED SHORT....Logorama....When did they stop saying "And the Oscar goes to...." and go back to "The winner is.....".....Meryl looks bored.....I get it.....BEST DOCUMENTARY SHORT....Music By Prudence....Roger Ross Williams....:::pingpingping:::....and Elinor Burkette who Kanye's the mic from his and starts blabbering....Apparently they're suing one another and couldn't decide on who would accept the awar....She says he used his 87-year-old mother to block her from the stage....Aaaaaah Hollywood....BEST LIVE ACTION SHORT....The New Tenants....Ben Stiller and The Most Obvious Joke Of Oscar 2010....Full-on Avatar make-up....Even he looked embarrassed to be up there, clicking and clacking in Avatar's made up language....Hey Ben?....That sound you hear is a joke dying....On some far off planet where the people are blue because they don't have a sense of humor....BEST MAKEUP....Star Trek....Apparently Spock ears and Klingons are still winning awards four decades later....Rachel McAdams and....HOT FLASH....Jake Gyllenhaal....HOT FLASH....BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY.....Precious: Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire, aka The Longest Title Ever When A single Word Would Have Sold The Movie Just As Well....Queen Latifah....BBW....But, c'mon, come out already.....No one cares.....Lauren Bacall.....She knows how to work the facelift....She still looks like Lauren Bacall.....Robin Williams presents BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS....Mo'Nique....Precious....This is great....The Great Tomato, aka Sigourney Weaver....BEST ART DIRECTION....Avatar...."Two world renowned clothes whores."...."Horses. Clothes. Horses."....."The plural of whores isn't horses.".....Tom Ford and SJP....BEST COSTUME.....The Young Victoria....Charlize and The Boob Dress....Zac Efron.....He's just hair, really, and not a lot more...There are a dozen of him in Smallville on any given day....and Anna Kendrick....BEST SOUND MIXING.....The Hurt Locker....Elizabeth Banks talks the Sci-Tech Awards....I go for more Iced tea....Travolta....:::pingpingping:::....and his bad rug....Tarantino is a fist pumping ass.....Sandra Bullock....Best Cinematography....For her, the cinematographer's Job One is to make Sandy look good.....Avatar....Demi Moore crawled from her Plastic Surgeon's Crypt to present the 2010 Death Watch....The career still working for you, Demi?...Tweet that....It was a good song, though....James Taylor.....Always welcome....But they left out Farrah Fawcett.....Bad gays....JLo and Sam Worthing-yum....ORIGINAL SCORE.....Oh god, a dance number....But those kids are good....In the audience, Penelope Cruz looks confused, because she doesn't speak English well so she can't understand The Dance....Up!...Gerard Butler and HOT FLASH....Bradley Cooper....HOT FLASH....BEST VISUAL EFFECTS....Avatar....HOT FLASH....Matt Damon....HOT FLASH....BEST DOCUMENTARY FEATURE....The Cove....About dolphin slaughter...One of the winners goes all political with a "Text Dolphin to 44..."....Quick cutaway.....To a couple who look like they thought they were attending the Goldman bar mitzvah.....Tyler....:::pingpingping::::....Perry....BEST FILM EDITIING....The Hurt Locker.....Keanu Reeves and that Damned Beard....HOT FLASH....Jeremy Renner....HOT FLASH....Pedro Almodovar and Quentin Tarantino....Almodovar speaks very rough English while Tarantino speaks only Pompous Ass....And he looks like he slept in his suit in an abandoned car on Hollywood Blvd....BEST FOREIGN FILM....The Secret In Their Eyes....BEST ACTOR.....They trot out five "friends" of the nominated actors to sing their praises....Michelle Pfeiffer...I'd like to say I'd go straight for her but who am I kidding.....She talks up....HOT FLASH....Jeff Bridges....HOT FLASH....Tim Robbins intro's Morgan Freeman....Julianne Moore gives us Colin Firth....Vera Farmiga goes all George Clooney....and HOT FLASH.....Colin Farrell....HOT FLASH.....Gives us Jeremy Renner and the story of the two of them sharing a bed in Mexico and how they got drunk and then they don't really remember......Okay....I'm back.....Kate Winslet going all Veronica Lake glam gives the award to Jeff Bridges.....Great speech....Keeps talking to his parents and their showbiz blood....Well deserved......BEST ACTRESS....Michael Sheen talks queens, and Helen Mirren and spider tattoos....The Tucci gives jabs to Meryl Streep....Something about making it a rule you can't be nominated again after sixteen times.....Peter Sarsgaard praises costar Carey Mulligan....Forest Whitaker recalls directing Hope Floats with Sandra Bullock...and Oprah talks about Oprah, and a little about Gabby Sidibie.....Sean Penn presents the award to Sandra Bullock....I'll admit I teared up.....It was weird to hear them say it was her first nomination and first win when she's been in movies for so long....Well deserved.....Barbra Streisand enters to trumpets and gives the BEST DIRECTOR to...Kathryn Bigelow...The Hurt Locker....Amazon and first woman to ever when a Best Director nod.....'bout effin' time......Then Tom Hanks walks out and....slam bam thank you ma'am....BEST PICTURE.....The Hurt Locker....James Cameron looks a little stunned....I look a lot happy....So.....Let's recap.....I didn't have too many high hopes for the DUO EMCEE nonsense, but Martin and Baldwin were fantastic.....NPH was genius.....All the people you thought would win, did win, but it was still nice to hear their speeches......Tarantino lost....Cameron lost.....Life is good.

5 comments:

Wonder Man said...

it was fun to watch

Larry Ohio said...

We watched the Hurt Locker on pay-per-view Saturday night. How it won Best Picture I'll never know. We did not like it.

A lot of the filming was in hand-held shaky-cam which made me nearly vomit.
They showed lots of people exploding, which made me nearly vomit.
They jumped through time at the end of the film with no transitions or other cues, which confused the shit out of me.
The "hero" was a mega-asshole that I prayed would be blown up the whole time.
The macho wrestling scene in the barracks would have been better if the three of them were naked.

Michael Rivers said...

Great recap!! There were so many Hot Flashes last night. I loved it!! Nothing like a sexy man in a tux!

LENORENEVERMORE said...

Loving the hot flashes...hope I'm not having early menopause! bahhh...
xo

Stephen said...

I love NPH... just have him host all award shows.

I take it that you didn't like my favortite movie of 2009: Inglorious Bastards?
Oh well, We are agree 98% of everything.
Nice way to do an event...but that was a lot of hot flashes. Are you OK?