The Funny Papers

Michael de Adder, Rick McKee, Ella Baron, Mike Luckovich, Drew Sheneman, David Horsey, Pedro X Molina, Gary Huck, RJ Matson, Joep Bertrams, JD Crowe, Marc Murphy

Those Bitches: GOP

It seems that House Republicans are passing around a “menu” of more than $5 trillion in cuts they could use to bankroll The Felon’s top priorities this year—not the price of eggs and not the price of gas—like tax cuts for Elon and Bezos and Zuckerberg and deporting 11 million immigrants.

So, what is the GOP going to cut to pay to keep the rich getting rich and the brown people over the border?

They want to make changes to Medicare and end the Biden administration climate programs, along with slashing welfare and “reimagining” the Affordable Care Act.

Yup; they are coming for your healthcare and welfare and climate change policies that make help as hurricanes get stronger, tornadoes become more common and droughts and winds spawn massive wildfires.

But it’s okay, right, if Elon can build another rocket to explode and Bezos can buy another yacht and Zuckerberg can have more money that most countries could spend in hundreds of years.

To be fair, with the extremely narrow margins the GOP has in the House and Senate these cuts to the ACA and any anti-hunger program would spark opposition from Democrats and also face some GOP resistance. House Speaker Mike Johnson can’t afford any Republican defections if he wants to pass a package on party lines.

Even proposed cuts to green energy tax credits, worth as much as $500 billion, could be tricky  as 18 House Republicans—14 of whom won reelection in November—warned Johnson against prematurely repealing some of the Inflation Reduction Act’s energy tax credits, which are funding multiple manufacturing projects in GOP districts.

So, it’s not a done deal, but keep in mind, These Bitches, AKA the GOP, will come for programs that benefits many Americans in order to satisfy a few billionaires and corporations.

Bobservations

Since the pandemic began, the local band in which Carlos plays the trumpet has canceled all performances and rehearsals. But Carlos, for whom playing the trumpet is a kind of relaxation, has been practicing, still, every day. The other night, however, out of the blue, he asked if I minded him practicing, and I told him this was his house, and he could practice whenever he wanted.

“But I don’t want to disturb you.”

“You disturb me constantly, but you can do whatever you want in your house.”

“Our house.”

“Yes; our house; your house; my house. And I would never tell you that you can’t practice the trumpet even if it did bother me which it does not.”

Cut to a few nights later; I get home  about 7PM and he’s rehearsing. I head back to the office-rehearsal space and we chat for a moment. He continues to practice, and I began doing some things on the computer until he says:

“Do you mind if I play some more?”

“You can play whatever you like. If I can’t concentrate, I’ll leave the room.”

“Well, I’m trying to master this Haydn concerto.”

“Oh, that concerto.”

“You know it,”

“Yeah, it’s the one where when you start playin’, I start hidin’.”

I still got it.

Tuxedo, sadly, cannot vote, but he is growing ever more furious at the way this country works.

Tom Brady’s merchandise company, TB12 Inc., received nearly a million dollars from the Federal Paycheck Protection Program [PPP]—a $522B program designed to help small businesses cover things like rent and payroll. But with the GOP in charge, it was mostly larger companies that benefited while nearly half of all small businesses were denied PPP.

Now comes word that Brady, shortly after receiving his welfare check, bought himself a forty-foot yacht.

To be clear, it’s not illegal for Brady to accept PPP, and no one is suggesting that he used the money to buy a yacht, but it certainly looks terrible for a multi-millionaire accept a check for his business in a pandemic and then buy a luxury item.

The rich get richer …

The RNC has spent 300K purchasing Junior’s latest book. And, as criminals do, they’re trying to cover that expense up.

The payment—$303,892.47—didn’t go directly to Junior, but went to something called Pursuit Venture LLC., a company that was formed in late 2018 and lists Junior as its principal.

Grifters gonna grift, and the GOP is complicit.

PS No word if the GOP paid in cash or cocaine. ALLEGEDLY.

It looks like, while ______ refuses to accept he’s a loser, many in the White House are already plotting their exits and talking about the ‘toxic’ atmosphere.

So, yeah, cue the flood of books coming from those people, and cue me railing at anyone who buys one of those books written by people who stood by and let this murderer run rampant and did nothing.

Believe their stories, don’t buy their books, don’t put coins in their pockets.

I don’t know about y’all, but I loathe using the word ‘Xmas’ instead of Christmas. That’s all.

Steve Kornacki, MSNBC’s election wizard has landed his dream job: a slot on NBC’s signature NFL broadcast. Kornacki came out as gay in 2011, and his appearance proves that LGBTQ+ people belong everywhere in sports.

Now, let’s get a player to come out.

In other good gay news … California’s Supreme Court has its first openly gay justice with Martin Jenkins being sworn in by Governor Gavin Newsom. And more? Jenkins also is the third Black justice to serve on the court.

This is what America looks like.

Yes, a nice older man, a silver fox if you will. But he’s hot and sexy and smolders and he’s quite gay; and a bit of a renaissance man.

Eric Rutherford. He’s an actor, a model, an entrepreneur. He stopped modeling, for a while, in his early 30s, and became an event planner, a production assistant. He even worked for about five years with Oprah Winfrey, helping her open her girls’ school in South Africa.

I won’t hold that against him. I got other things in mind … and now he’s back modeling because hot, no matter the age, never goes out of style.

Bobservations

A few weeks ago, we went to our local Social Distancing Farmer’s Market to get some things. One lady was selling jars of homemade jams, jellies and marmalades; sauces and marinades and all kinds of other things. She had an orange marmalade—Carlos’ favorite—so we picked up a bottle and then got a couple of other jarred goodies.

Carlos, being a Bread Head, whipped through that orange marmalade in no time, so last Sunday, after preparing pancakes for breakfast, he went to the fridge and grabbed a jar and brought it to the table.

“What’s that for?”

“I’m going to put it on my pancakes instead of syrup.”

“You’re putting that on pancakes?”

“Yeah, why?”

“What is that?”

“Orange marmalade.”

“Is it?”

“Isn’t it?”

“No, honey, it’s spicy Hot Chow Chow.”

“Not for pancakes?”

“I think not.”

Sidenote: as the Resident Evil Bitch in the house I kinda wanted to see him do it, but then he would have wasted some perfectly fine pancakes.

Why some of y’all are out there bitching about being uncomfortable wearing masks think of what the government has done to some of us …

In Swimming in the Swamp News … at least seven members of Congress—some of whom who were directly involved in shaping regulations—or their spouses, received small business loans as part of ______’s pandemic stimulus response.

Among the loan recipients is KTAK Corp., a Tulsa-based operator of fast food franchises owned by GOP Congressman Kevin Hern; he received a bailout between $1 million and $2 million to support 220 jobs.

GOP Congressman Mike Kelly benefited when three of his Pittsburgh car dealerships, received a combined total of between $450,000 and $1.05 million to retain 97 jobs. Several plumbing businesses in Oklahoma, affiliated with GOP Congressman Rep. Markwayne Mullin, each received between $350,000 and $1 million.

And then Foremost Maritime, a shipping business controlled by the family of Elaine Chao, the Transportation Secretary and wife of Moscow Mitch, received between $350,000 and $1 million, according to the SBA data.

Note: all are Republicans using their positions to save their businesses first.

Fuck ‘em all; vote ‘em out.

Along those same lines … when the Treasury Department and Small Business Administration disclosed the names of every business that got $150,000 or more through _____’s COVID-19 stimulus program, one name popped up: Kanye West. West’s “fashion” company, Yeezy LLC., received a loan between $2 to $5 million to save 106 jobs. And after getting the money he decided to launch his presidential bid in the hopes of siphoning off Black voters for Biden.

I smell Quid Pro Quo.

Another lucky recipient of _____ Cash was one Jared Kushner, the son of tax cheat Charles Kushner , who received between $1 and $2 million for his family’s Joseph Kushner Hebrew Academy in New Jersey, which is named after Jared’s grandpa. Jared made $82 million last year, and his father is worth $1,8 billion, but they got a welfare check.

Swamp.

Kudos to my small town of Camden, South Carolina, becoming one of the first in the state to mandate the wearing of masks inside the city limits. Camden is a tiny slice of Blue in a Red state and so we’ve been acting responsibly during this time, even wearing masks when we weren’t asked to do so.

Last week, running errands, Carlos and I stopped into a grocery store and were pleasantly surprised to see that every person inside was masking. Sadly, the store had no cilantro, so we had to trek across the river into a neighboring town and, there, almost no one was masked. I think we’ll just stay inside Camden until we catch a break from this thing.

First came the Bolton book and I chose not to buy it or read it because Bolton is a money-grubbing traitor.

Next came the Mary _____ book, Too Much and Never Enough: How My Family Created the World's Most Dangerous Man, which I won’t buy or read because, in it, she says her Uncle Donald is a narcissistic sociopathic moron. Since I know that why put coins out for it?

But … Stephanie Winston Wolkoff—who was previously a loyal confidante of Melanie ____—has written, Melania and Me, which faced all kinds of legal hurdles but will be released in September.

Maybe we’ll learn more about Melanie’s “modeling” past and how she gained citizenship in this country and if she was one of the Russian hookers who ______ likes to watch pee on people.

Now, while I am loathe to talk about this, the ignorance and stupidity and sheer media whorishness of it all requires some words: Kanye West.

He says he’s running for President but hasn’t filed the paperwork yet. He’s not running as a member of any known political party, but under the newly formed—and I am serious y’all—Birthday Party.

He no longer supports _____, though he did host Ivanka and Jared and their little brats at his home recently—and got a welfare check from _____ for a company bailout. He’s oaky with siphoning off Black votes from Joe Biden even if it helps _____, whom he no longer supports. He has never voted in his life.

He had Covid-19 in February but said nothing until now … He’s suspicious of a coronavirus vaccine, terming vaccines “the mark of the beast.” He says “Planned Parenthoods have been placed inside cities by white supremacists to do the Devil’s work.”

He envisions a White House organizational model based on the secret country of Wakanda in Black Panther.

Seriously. Someone in That Family needs to do a 5150 hold on this lunatic.

San Francisco Supervisor Shamann Walton as introduced legislation that would outlaw racially-motivated 911 calls such as those made by the various “Karens” around the country.

The legislation is appropriately named the Caution Against Racially Exploitative Non-Emergencies Act, AKA the CAREN Act.

Perfection.

This is the delightfully delicious Valter Passos Silva, a twenty-six-year-old Portuguese model.

He’s quirky and cute and fun; he looks good in and out of clothes.

And, again, Portuguese.

Tuesday Thought #3

The Oklahoma Federation of Republican Women Apologize For Being Racist Liars

Republicans are stupid; they lie; they are, sometimes, racist. Mostly, though, they’re stupid.

Take, for instance the Oklahoma Federation of Republican Women, a “recognized … arm of the Republican Party [which] has a seat on the state executive committee and the state committee" and a membership of over 1300 Republican women, one of whom, Pam Pollard, is their president.

Pollard is apologizing this week for a Facebook post of a Black man hanging from a tree with this message:

"The KKK was formed by the Democrats to keep control over black Americans. The Democrats of today just traded ropes for welfare."

Pollard apologized only after a local TV station called her out on the group’s offensive and racist image, and Pollard, as the GOP is apt to do, also said she had no idea it was posted, and that she regrets it was posted, and that she took it down immediately after it was brought to her attention.

But that’s what the GOP does; they put out these little lies and racist images and then apologize because, well, they had no idea it was racist … I mean, it’s a Black man after being lynched …

But they apparently also had no idea it was a lie? See, that little picture implies that black people are the biggest recipients of welfare and that’s just plain wrong.

According to the NCRM, in 2013, over 40% of food stamp recipients were white, while about 25% were African American, so Pollard and her little band of GOP goosesteppers lied.

That’s what they do, until they’re caught, and then they claim ignorance when in fact they need to claim that they are liars and racists, too.

NCRM

Pam Pollard photo

Mama Grizzly Bore™: Perennial ISBL Asshat

Can you believe it’s been six years since we dodged that bullet, that Double-Barreled Shotgun Blast that could have sent the McCain/Palin ticket to the White House? I mean, bad enough that we’d have Grumpy Grampa McCain perched on the front porch of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue telling the world to get off his lawn, but we could have had the Mama grizzly Bore™ just a heartbeat away from not knowing a single thing she reads as it comes across her desk in the Oval Office.

Whoosh. I got chills just thinking of that American Horror Story!

And then we had the MGB™ hightail it back to Alaska, only to quit because people were asking questions and pointing fingers and, well, it’s too hard, dontcha know. And so I figured she’d go away, and we’d hear nary a peep out of her again, except the minions that follow her, that think she is the Second Coming of … Something, and she came back, tellin’ us that she was gonna work towards making sure Obama was a one-term President.

How’d that work out, Grizzly Bore? Uh huh.

So, then she “wrote” a book and let her single unwed mother of a daughter dance for her life on television, and she kept telling us that she would help every single Republican she could get elected; how’d that work out for you, Christine O’Donnell? Uh huh.

But still, the MGB™ formed a PAC — a Political Action Committee — to raise money for good God-fearing, America-loving, lame-stream media hatin’ Republicans all over the US of A, and, well, how’d that work out?

Well, I’m here to tell you it worked out really good, if your last name is Palin, but it worked out really bad if you’re a Republican running for office.

While the MGB™’s SarahPAC has performed sadly, badly — putting it mildly — as a fundraising machine for the GOP, it has lined the coffers at the Bank of Bore. A report filed with the Federal Election Committee [FEC] showed that, out of $1.4 million the PAC had available in the third quarter — $978,000 in the bank, with another $433,000 raised during that time — SarahPAC donated just $45,000 to fellow Republicans running in the midterms.

That’s 3% for y’all that are math challenged. Three percent. And that’s nothing new; for the two-year 2014 cycle, the former Alaska Quitter’s PAC raised $2.5 million on top of more than $1.1 million that was in the bank at the start of the cycle, and yet it spent some $2.7 million, with about $150,000 — or 5.5 percent — going to candidates.

What happened to all that other money, though, you may wonder.

Well, she paid consultants to advise her on whether she should run for president and possibly all of them told her No; she paid someone to consult on “coalitions” whatever that means. And she paid for travel, her own travel, because how else can she spread the crazy all over the country when she has to pay her own way, pay her own hotel bills, cover the mini-bar peanuts and whatnot.

And the PAC sent $10,885 to HarperCollins — publisher of all three MGB™ books — for “books for donor fulfillment”, though that wasn’t the only book purchase by the committee: $13,000 was listed as being spent for “lodging, SUV rental, books for donors.”

And by donors, we all know she means that brood, and that husband of hers, because why should any of them work when Mama’s got donors handing over cash right and left?

Now, it’s not illegal to create a PAC to raise money for Republicans and elections and then give pennies on the dollar to those causes; there are few rules when it comes to what PACs can spend money on.

It’s just like welfare, you know, for rich, needy, clingy, ex-governors who crash and burn on the political landscape and have no redeeming qualities that anyone needs or wants. It’s a way of living off America and not really working.

It’s everything the Mama Grizzly Bore™ is opposed to, unless it works to her advantage,

And I guess it’s a paltry sum knowing that she will never, ever, be in a political office again because even her minions are growing tired of her squeezing them for coins and giving them nothing back.

Mama Grizzly Bore™, the ISBL Asshat for All Time.

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