It's Snarkurday!

He has a long list of, ahem, “accomplishments,” from singing, rapping, preaching, creating end-of-the-word apocalyptic fashion, but is Kanye West now headed to porn?

It seems the owner Blacked.com, Greg Lansky, has offered Kanye a job directing a porn video and having complete and utter artistic control—scary because, again, I’ve seen his fashion line—perhaps after hearing Kanye admit in a new song how much he’d like to bang those other K.K.’s other than the one he married:

"You got sick thoughts?

I got more of ’em,

You got a sister-in-law you would smash?

I got four of ’em.”

I can see it now, or better yet, I can’t … Kum Klan: Khloe, Kourtney, Kendall and Kylie Do Kanye.

I imagine That Woman will market this one, too.

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Oh Azealia Banks …you act as though you’re some kind of musician, but you’re all hot mess and no tunes.

Banks has been hanging out with Elon Musk]s girlfriend, Grimes,  trying to make “music” but is only causing trouble. See, Azealia claims she was left alone at Musk’s house and became bored … or delusional … or crazy … and took to Instagram to rail against Elon and Grimes for not around.

She brought up his looks; she accused him of Tweeting on acid; there was some stuff about racism, Down Syndrome, threesomes, and emerald mining in Africa during apartheid. You know, general stuff that tumbles out of Banks’ head; but it didn’t end there. Azealia decided she needed to say more about Elon and chose to say them to new gossip rag, Business Insider.

After Elon had Tweeted about taking Tesla private, saying that funding for the company was “secured” a reporter from Business Insider thought maybe Azealia had the deets and messaged her and, again because crazy, delusional, nothing better to do, she replied:

“Yeah I saw him in the kitchen tucking his tail in between his legs scrounging for investors to cover his ass after that tweet. He was stressed and red in the face. He’s not cute at all in person. I wasn’t trying to eavesdrop because I’m truly not that person. I didn’t hear any specifics but I could hear that he was scrambling because he in fact – didn’t have any funding secured.”

Seriously, Business Insider? Your source for scoop on Elon and Tesla is Azealia Banks? I mean, when she’s not getting thrown off airplanes, she’s getting bounced from Russell Crowe’s house, or squatting at Musk’s place, but you think she’s got some Tesla intel?

The best thing of all is that when Business Insider tried to get Elon Musk to comment on Banks’ news, he went all Mimi on JLo:

“I don’t know her.”

Love that!

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Last week, Sean Young, and a 30-year-old male accomplice, got caught stealing two Apple laptops from a production company in Queens. Young claimed that she wasn’t stealing, because she thought the laptops were hers except … after the story broke, and before the cuffs were locked on her wrists, she returned the computers.

The laptops belong to School of Old Productions, which had hired Sean Young …seriously? … to direct a film titled Charlie Boy, written by Greg Kritikos. But, quicker than you can say “Action” Young was, ahem, let go from the production and apparently so were the laptops.

Luckily for Sean, the charges will be dropped as Timothy Hines and the rest of the crew decided that Sean didn’t need to be punished, with Timothy adding:

“We wish Sean the best of luck.”

Greg Kritikos was just as diplomatic shady:

“I’m glad we can finally put this behind us. I wish her all the best. Pray she gets the help she needs.”

She should’a gotten help decades ago, after she appeared on the late Joan Rivers’ talk show dressed as Catwoman because she didn’t think Michelle Pfeiffer was the right choice.

No word on whether or not she donned the catsuit for her late-night laptop break-in.

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Tyrese Gibson, of the Fast and the Furious franchise, used to be hot, but lately you don’t see much about him and he says it’s because of the family drama he was involved in last year.

In 2017, Tyrese was locked in a custody battle with his ex-wife Norma Mitchell over their daughter Shayla that involved into him being investigated for ALLEGED child abuse Norma claimed he spanked Shayla so hard she “couldn’t sit” and that he would steal their daughter and move to Dubai.

And Tyrese didn’t help his case much because he began wearing sweatshirts with Shayla’s name on it, which might have been cute if he hadn’t hired a plane to fly a banner over the girl’s school that read:

“NO MATTER WHAT, DADDY LOVES YOU SHAYLA.”

He and his current wife also dressed all in black for custody hearings because Tyrese claimed it was like going to a funeral. And, ickiest of all is when Tyrese dedicated alive performance of a song to his daughter; the song? Let’s Get It On.

But now Tyrese is playing the poor card saying that because of this custody mess—and his own messiness—he cannot get work and that his income has fallen off by 75%. He only makes $51,000 a month now, y’all, and must pay $10,853 a month in child support. That leaves him with a little over $40,000 a month, or 10K a week and he cannot live on that because his own monthly expenses total $113,000 a month.

Take a seat Tyrese and talk to me when you only have cat food to eat for dinner. $40,000 a month. Time for a fundraiser!

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Isn’t Paris Hilton like 50 now? I mean, she’s been around since dinosaurs roamed the Earth, right?

But, the sad thing—one of the sad things—about Paris is that she’s postponing her marriage to Chris Zylka and she wants you to know that it’s not because they’re breaking up and not at all because she bought her own engagement ring, gave it to him to give to her, and then Instagrammed the “spontaneous” proposal.

And now their November wedding has been pushed back to May because Paris wants more time to plan.

Uh huh. An “escape” plan ... for Zylka.

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According to new revelations, Amber Heard and Johnny Depp’s marriage didn’t fall apart because he’s some wild-eyed addict and she’s a bisexual gold-digger but because of, well, crap.

Actual crap.

The end began when Johnny showed up 2 hours late for Amber’s 30th birthday party and then they each claim they were assaulted by the other. But it turns out it was the marital bed that was assaulted.

Johnny now claims that Amber and her friends “deliberately” soiled the sheets with someone’s face and he wasn’t having it. Amber claims the fecal sheets were an accident made by Boo, their Yorkie, but, and this is a real story, y’all, the housekeeper who cleaned the poo says it was far too big to have come from a little dog.

And now a source close to Johnny says there is “strong, photographic evidence that connected Amber to the feces” and it was left as a “prank”.

Gosh, these two kids were perfect for each other. Too bad they couldn’t have worked it out and crapped their sheets all over the world.

Seriously. These two need to sit down.

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It's Snarkurday!

Remember Sean Young?  Well, I do; she was on the fast track to be an A-list Hollywood star when she went all kinds of Catwoman cray.

She appeared on talk shows dressed as Catwoman; she stalked Batman director Tim Burton trying to get the job as Catwoman. Decades after she did not get the part of Catwoman she appeared on Late Night with David Letterman dressed as Catwoman — I guess no one told her that Michelle Pfeiffer got the job, and then gave it to Halle Berry who sucked at it and gave it to Anne Hathaway who finally killed the role for good. And so these days Sean Young doesn’t make movies; she’s too busy appearing in Celebrity Rehab and Skating with Celebrities.

Uh huh. But she did give an interview where she talked about … wanting to play Catwoman in that decade’s old Tim Burton movie:

“If these Warner Bros. executives now were really good businessmen, they’d let me play Catwoman today, and I’d make a smash amount of money. But they’re too stupid. You can lead people to water, but you can’t make them great artists.”

Wait? What? Do any of you know just how much a smash amount of money is? I don’t have my dollar-to-smash exchange rate calculator handy.

And that last metaphor? Even Batman couldn’t solve that one.

Awards season is over. What to do, what to do … we wait for the Met Gala in May; you know the Met Gala, where Kanye West made his then-pregnant, then-girlfriend, Kim Kardastrophe, dress up as a sofa, and where Beyoncé tries to wear less and less clothing each year.

The Met Gala! And Anna Wintour! For last year’s Met Gala, Anna Wintour allowed cameras to follow her and her team around as they prepared for the event and the result is the documentary called The First Monday In May.

Most of the juiciest quotes come from Stephanie Winston Wolkoff, Vogue’s head of events who says Anna Wintour picks up garbage … and by garbage I don’t mean a passed out Miley Cyrus under a table somewhere:

“We’d be in our gowns and picking up tables and sweeping the floors ... if there’s garbage on the floor. Anna does that, too.”

And she dishes on the biggest no-nos of the event: parsley! Wintour banned parsley from being served at the party “because you don’t want that stuck in your teeth.” She has also shunned onion and garlic … bad breath … and bruschetta because it can “fall easily on your gown.”

Quelle horrors! And then there are the seating arrangements which play out like Mean Girls Hosting The Prom because, at one point in the documentary, Anna complains about a particularly bad table because there’s “no celeb” at it and she’s told there’s only “Chloë Sevigny and Solange Knowles.”

Ouch. But later in the film, when Sevigny finds her table, she sighs and says to the camera:

“Just like high school.”

But with better clothes and bigger bitches.

On Friday we learned that Madonna, in a desperate attempt to win back Rocco, her runaway teenage son, had opted for a lawyer-free custody meeting with Rocco and his father Guy Ritchie.

But maybe Rocco isn’t too keen on meeting with Mama Madge anytime soon because he just took a not-so-subtle shot at her on Instagram by, first, turning his account Private and then, in the one part of his account that every can see, updated his profile to include the following description of himself:

“Son of a bitch”

Ow.

Taylor  Swift showed up at the iHeartRadio Awards in LA over the weekend after her people bought her several awards, and when she accepted the award for Best Tour she finally, publicly mentioned her on-camera, real life, not just for publicity boyfriend Adam Wilkes, AKA Calvin Harris:

“For the first time I had the most amazing person to come home to when the crowds were all gone and the spotlight went out so I’d like to thank my boyfriend Adam for that.”

And moments later when Calvin, er, Adam, er, gigolo, won some award he thanked everyone … but TayTay.

Ouch. I imagine it was cold in TayTay's Pink Palace that night.

A while ago I told the story of stoner actress Vanessa Hudgens and her boyfriend visiting Sedona National Park and carving their initials into the national monument and Instagramming their act of vandalism.

I’d hoped the authorities would search Skid Row and find her trying to score and arrest her for defacing nature but, alas, it seemed to go unnoticed.

Until now … authorities have told Hudgens that she can either pay a fine and restitution or appear in court for carving a heart into red rock in Sedona two months ago.

Damaging a natural feature on U.S. Forest Service land is a misdemeanor punishable by up to six months in jail and a maximum $5,000 fine.

But hey, she spends more than that on herb on a Friday afternoon.

When That Woman rises from her crypt today there is going to be a guttural wail so loud it could wake the dead … or at least revive Sean Young's career.

See, That Woman’s son, the one she never talks about, the one who doesn’t appear on their “reality” show, Keeping Up With The Kardastrophes, Rob Kardastrophe has gone and proposed marriage to Blac Chyna.

Blac and rob posed for a picture on Instagram and SnapChat with Blac casually showing off a $325,000 engagement ring — courtesy of ratings pimp and KUWTKardastophes producer, Ryan Seacrest.

Naturally, this is probably because Seacrest wants to film the wedding and the honeymoon and the subsequent divorce, and the day That Woman’s face caves in because she’s realized she has Blac Chyna for a daughter-in-law.

There won’t be enough Botox on the plant to save that mess.

PS When Rob and Blac hitch it up, he’ll become the stepfather to his littlest sister’s boyfriend’s baby. Just sayin’.

I have often said in this space here — I mean, I literally said it a few paragraphs ago — that I believe Taylor Swift doesn’t really win all those awards, but that she has her people buy them for her, and now, well, I kinda have proof.

Something called the BMI Pop Awards — Buy Me It Awards? — have come up with an award to give Taylor Swift:

The Taylor Swift Award.

On May 10th TayTay will accept the Taylor Swift Award at the 56th annual BMI Pop Awards in Beverly Hills. I haven’t seen the award but I’m guessing it’s shaped like a giant ego???

Taylor isn’t the first one to get a BMI award named after her. Michael Jackson got the Michael Jackson Award from BMI back in 1990.

Still, wouldn’t it be a hoot if Taylor Swift shows up at the awards and when the envelope is opened it says the award goes to Katy Perry?

I’d die.

Lastly, from the If You Don’t Have Enough Money Already, Beyoncé, Sue to Get More:

A company named Feyoncé [sounds like fiancée] Inc is being sued by Beyoncé because Bey has trademarked anything and everything that can be attached to her name, her career, her likeness or anything she likes, thinks she might like, hates now but wonders if someday she will like it, etc.

Feyoncé started selling stuff with the word “Feyoncé” on it in the same font Beyoncé uses—and I think Beyoncé owns that font—and so Beyoncé called her lawyers and slapped Feyoncé Inc with a lawsuit accusing them of selling illegal merch.

Not only does Beyoncé want Feyoncé Inc to stop making money off her name, she wants all of the money they’ve already made, plus damages for using her name.

Perhaps they should’a called it Bitchoncé? Fakeoncé? Getalifeoncé?

Still, I’m scared, because I planted something called Blue Ivy in my yard today and BAM I got a cease-and-desist letter …

I Ain't One To Gossip, But.....

I still remember when they were casting Catwoman--eons before Halle Berry destroyed the character--and wack-a-doodle actress Sean Young went on The Joan Rivers Show in full Catgirl regalia, practically begging the producers to hire her.
They didn't. 
And it seemed like Young was on the Cracktress Express to Crazy Town. Except she kinda disappeared for a spell, showing up to drunkenly yell at awards winners at awards shows.
Now Young, one of Hollywood's First Ladies Of Cray-Cray, also found herself arrested on Oscar night for attempting to Lohan her way into the Governor's ball; to Lohan means to sit pathetically outside the venue until some schnook takes pity on you and asks you in, or the security guard turns his head and you leap the Velvet Rope.
The Governors Ball security guard knew Ticketless Sean was trying to worm her way in, so he suggested she try the Chick-fil-A Oscar bash instead. Sean Young was not amused. She's a star, dammit, even if only in her own head. So she continued to try and sneak in until the guard had enough and the two got into it. The guard says that Sean slapped him in the face--which is also called Going ZsaZsa--and he promptly gave her the Citizen's Arrest.
Young was taken to a police station in Hollywood where she was kept for four hours. Upon her release, around 3AM, Young told the gathering horde--and that's not a misprint, it was just one photog--that it's the Academy's lawyer's fault, that she was at the party with friends when for no reason at all, the Academy's lawyer told the security guard to arrest her ass.
Of course, if she'd been at the party, how to explain how she was outside the ropes all night. Oh, in Sean Young's head, outside the ropes IS the party.

Remember last week when it was announced that Gerard Butler had checked himself into rehab for his addiction issues, which may, or may not, have included the Lohan Method--i.e. prescription meds--cocaine and alcohol?
Well, when word came that he was in rehab, he'd actually already been there for weeks and was just about to be released.
Hey Gerard, you just completed 28 days of rehab for substance abuse issues! How you gonna celebrate? Disney World? 
Nope, Gerard Butler's first post-rehab stop was at the Vanity Fair Oscar party, a room full of more drunken users and coked up wannabes than a Lohan Family Christmas.
Seriously, Gerard. Get a grip. If you've just gotten out of a 28 day spa retreat and lost 100 pounds, would your first stop be the Del Taco Drive-thru? 
No, honey, no.

Now that I've mentioned Lohan a couple of times, it's time for The Lohan Update.
And it's all about cracktress Lindsay and her wacknut lies.
It seems Lohan gave an interview to The Mail about her ALLEGED role in the upcoming Direct-To-Motel-6-Pay-Per-View Elizabeth Taylor Story, that the real Liz Taylor gifted Lindsay Lohan with a ring shortly before she died.
Which, I'm guessing, is Lohan-speak for I broke into her house and stole a ring.
According to the article, Lohan says the late Elizabeth Taylor sent her a ring before she died: "I treasure it....It came with this beautiful note, hand-written by Elizabeth Taylor, which was very encouraging about my work--and that work is something I should concentrate on."
I think Liz was trying to say, Pawn this cheap bauble I found in my underwear drawer and pay for rehab, bitch.
And then Lohan comes clean and says it really was just a junk piece of costume jewelry sent to her by pig farmer, Elizabeef Taylor, from ScratchNutz, Tennessee.
I'm guessing.
Oh Lindsay. Expecting anyone to believe that Liz Taylor knew you, much less took a moment out of her day to send you a piece of glass.
Bitch please.

So, Chris Brown is still on everyone's radar because of that whole I Beat Rihanna thing a few years back, and people are pissed that he performed at the Grammys and won a Grammy. That might be the least of his worries.
It seems that Brown, who is still legally “on probation” from his plea of felony battery on Rihanna, is now being accused of stealing a woman’s phone in Miami after she snapped a few photos of him.
The Florida State’s Attorney's Office began an investigation into Brown after the woman filed a police report claiming he stole her cell phone. A spokesperson for the Miami Police Department released this statement: “An incident report was filed against Mr. Brown, and the Florida State Attorney’s Office will be issuing a warrant for his arrest this afternoon, I can’t tell you what time, but it will be today.”
The accuser, Chrital Spann, says that she snapped a few photos of Chris as he sat in a Bentley outside of a Miami club, and when Brown saw her, he ALLEGEDLY "snatched the phone" and shouted, “Bitch, you ain’t giving this to no website.”
Um, Chris, that would actually be, "Bitch, you aren't giving this to any website."
At any rate, Browns lawyer, Mark Geragos, has ALLEGEDLY been in talks with the Florida State’s Attorney’s Office because, as a source--and by source, I think we can all agree that it's Lohan--says, “Chris has nothing to hide and is hopeful that he won’t be charged with stealing the phone.”
And it could get ugly for him. If Brown is arrested the Los Angeles District Attorney’s Office might seek to revoke his probation.
Maybe Chris Brown just needs to sit down, shut up, and keep his hands to himself.

And speaking of Brown, one of those folks most upset about Brown being on the Grammys is country singer Miranda Lambert, whose new album just so happens to feature a song about a girl seeking vengeance on a boy who beat her. Lambert has been using Chris Brown to hawk her album and rile up her fans in concerts all over the country.
But that's not the Lambert story of the week,
It’s pretty well known fact that Blake Shelton cheated on his first wife with fellow country singer Miranda Lambert, his current wife. I mean, she has as much as admitted to that in interviews. And, we've all heard the saying, Once a cheater.....
No, not her. Him,
It seems that Lambert's husband, Blake Shelton, hooked up with country singer Cady Groves, on Twitter some two years ago, and their cozy online banter is startin' to sizzle.
Cue fiddles.
A source--and by source I think we all know I mean Lohan--says, “Cady had a huge crush on Blake and followed him on Twitter for almost a year before they formally met. She was new to the country music scene and doing everything she could to get her boot in the door, so Cady sent Blake messages asking him to be in her new video."
And he did.
Soon Blake and Cady were ALLEGEDLY calling and texting each other every day, and our source, says,  “Oftentimes Cady would get a call in the middle of the day, then she’d suddenly pack her bags and fly to Oklahoma where Blake lives. Her trips were always very quick – usually 24 hours or less.” Well, this may be true, or may not be true, but even Lambert admits her husband is addicted to Tweeting, and is often a bit of a drunken Tweeter.

And IRONICALLY, the video that Shelton appeared in for this relatively unknown country newbie was a video for a song about cheating.
Just sayin'.