It's Snarkurday!

The other night, Mariah Carey was celebrating the launch of her new record label, Butterfly MC Records, at Catch LA, when a party on the roof took focus away from Mimi.

David Foster was at a separate party on the roof and began playing the piano while one of the waitresses sang ... live ... renditions of ‘At Last’ and ‘Respect’.

Carey, no longer the center of attention, and hearing someone sing live had to be airlifted from the venue and taken home where she was dipped in a vat of smelling salts.

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Johnny Depp just cannot stop suing people; first Amber Heard and now his former management company, The Management Group [TMG].

Depp claims TMG mismanaged his money, losing millions, and TMG counter-sued blaming Johnny for blowing through his money like a crack-whore on a spree. And when Johnny slapped back saying he can spend his money on whatever he wants, TMG replied that he suffers from “compulsive spending disorder” and needs a “mental examination.”

TMG alleges that Johnny, who admits to spending $35,000 for a bottle of wine, also paid hundreds of thousands of dollars to a sound engineer to feed him lines on set through an earpiece. TMG claims Johnny insisted his line helper be kept on a yearly retainer so that he doesn’t have to memorize his lines anymore.

Perhaps if he didn’t drink $35,000 worth of wine every night he might be able to remember his lines on his won?

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Since this is the week of the Met Gala, let’s dish.

Last year’s theme was fashion and technology, and the future of fashion, and most folks came as robots—or themselves in the case of Kim Kardastrophe—but fashion-slave, fashion-victim, fashionista, Sarah Jessica Parker wore what looked like Hamilton: The Musical costume cast-off. And so people at the Gala were all WTF and SJP tried to rationalize her decision but I guess it was too much because ...

This year SJP did not attend the Met Gala  :::gasp:::  and rumor has it that it was because SJP was so upset that no one “got” her fashion choice last year so she and her Gala date, Andy Cohen, skipped the event this year.

SJP says she was focusing on her HBO show, Divorce, but if you’ve seen it, you know no one is focusing on that mess at all.

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Speaking of the Met Gala ... four years ago, Goopy Paltrow sniffed haughtily at the event and said she found it so boring she would never return:

“I’m never going again. It was so un-fun. It was boiling. It was too crowded. I did not enjoy it at all.”

But someone must have had a newly steamed vagina to air out because Paltrow crawled the red carpet at the Met Gala this year.

Perhaps she’d forgotten how bored she was all those years ago or, more likely, since she recently signed a deal with the Devil who wears Prada, Anna Wintour, to create Goop: The Magazine, Paltrow was forced to attend and be bored and “un-fun.”

And she did it whilst wearing the knock-off version of that basic pink dress she wore to the Oscars the year Harvey Weinstein bought the award for her.

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And speaking or hypocrites ... gosh I love a good segue ... Amy Schumer and Lena Dunham both also appeared at the Met Gala this year though both vowed in the past to never, ever return.

Schumer crapped all over the Gala in 2016 when she said it was the first and last time she’d ever go; she called it a “punishment” and said everyone was dressed up like “a bunch of fucking assholes.”

But, you know, Amy has a new movie coming out, so she dressed up like an asshole to whore out her latest film.

As for Lena Dunham, she claimed to have had a crappy time last year because Odell Beckham Jr. failed to hit on her—a statement for which she was appropriately raked over the coals, and forced to apologize.

But she, too, was back this year because her HBO show Girls is over and she needs a new gig and so, yeah, whore yourself out at a party you hate.

Sit down, girls, and stay home next year.

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When we last left Carmelo and La La Anthony, their marriage was in the dust because Carmelo had ALLEGEDLY gotten a stripper pregnant and a lot of wives don’t like that very much.

Oops, it appears the stripper in question, while still pregnant, is not a stripper but works in, um, “education.” And, while Carmelo has said he will take care of his side-piece, and baby side-piece, he really wants to stay married to L La.

And he is doing everything he can to make sure La La knows how much he loves her and how much he wants to keep their bank account a joint bank account. And how is he showing La La his love? Get ready ... it’s the sweetest, most precious thing a man can do other than knocking up another woman ... he’s “liking” her social media posts.

Carmelo has been apologizing to La La and begging her to go on a date or a vacation via text, and also liking her Instagram posts.

Doesn’t that just scream “I’m sorry for fucking an educational stripper”?

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Oh, Katy Perry. She joked earlier this year that she was a bad haircut away from becoming Brittney Spears circa 2008 and, well, it looks like she was right.

During an odd livestream over the weekend, newly-blond Perry told her fan ... singular ... this:

“Someone says, ‘I miss your old black hair.' Oh, really? Do you miss Barack Obama as well? Oh, OK. Times change. Bye! See you guys later.”

A black joke? Why it gotta be black?

The moment went viral and here’s what some folks said:

“I’m sure we can all do without @katyperry right ??? #Loser.”

“Not Katy Perry pretending to be a woke activist then making an insensitive joke comparing her hair to Obama.”

Perry, who once boasted about being “woke as f**k” for supporting the Black Lives Matter movement, has yet to comment on the controversy, but it’s not the first time she’s been accused of racial insensitivity.

In 2015, ‘Hunger Games’ star Amandla Stenberg accused Perry of appropriating black culture in her “This Is How We Do” video and in 2013 Perry was criticized for her Japanese-themed performance of “Unconditionally” at the AMAs.

Also in 2013, Grammy-winning producer Mano called Perry out for ALLEGEDLY referring to him and his pals as “n***as” and he joined in the TweetStorm against Perry:

“While she was juke’n my cuz she started calling us her ‘n***as’ and we asked her 2 stop a few times … she couldn’t understand why and we had 2 explain 2 her that it wasn’t endering [sic] and it was really offensive.No 1 cared that my feelings were hurt as a person. a famous caucasian person thought it was ok 2 say that word 2 me 2 relate with me.”

Here’s the deal, Katy: you aren’t funny. And you are inching closer and closer to being Britney With An Umbrella By An SUV. 

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It's Snarkurday!

Oh Paltrow ... really? Rumor has it that Gwyneth Paltrow is trying to make GOOP appeal to, um, well, those of us who can’t afford a $2,000 t-shirt; those of us who live in what Paltrow once politely termed “flyover” states—as in states you’d never visit unless there was an emergency landing; those of us she considers “peasants.”

And so, if you aren’t into letting Stanley Steamer clean your hoo-haw, and you aren’t into Barefoot In The Dirt therapy, er, um, Earthing, she is now trying to make fast-food the In Thing.

If you go to Dairy Queen GOOP recommends the “50-calorie fudge bar” and not much else. Chipotle? GOOP says have a bowl, with some brown rice, or “if you’re hungry. Load up on the veggies, skip the dairy, add black beans, and you’re good to go.”

At Wendy’s you can eat “Power Mediterranean Chicken Salad” with no hummus, or, if having a burger—and the Shamers will come for you—at least switch the fries out for a baked potato ... with no sour cream EVER!!!! And try the veggie-heavy sandwich at Subway ... but don’t eat the bread! Throw it away!

Look, here’s the deal, Gwyneth Paltrow is a spoiled self-entitled rich bitch who thinks she knows what’s best for everyone ... at least everyone with a substantial bank account. She did not go to any one of these places and try the food; she no doubt had testers that were ordered to try the food but don’t swallow ... if you want to keep you job.

Paltrow and Fast Food is like _____ and the Truth; they have never met.

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That Woman is on a rampage to restore her crap-fest “reality” show to its former glory now that the ratings are in freefall. But what can she do? Kim cannot get robbed again? Kanye cannot get any crazier? Should the drunken ex-husband come back into the fold? Should one of the younger ones get pregnant? What does a FameWhoring Mother do when her children don’t make sex tapes she can sell?

She turns to her newest trainwreck, Rob and Blac Chyna, and tries to get them back together if only for the sake of the show; let ‘em crash and burn for ratings like a normal family.

And, in order to do that, That Woman is hurling some coins at Blac Chyna ... and since Chyna is used to having coins tossed her way, or dollar bills slipped into her g-string, she’s on-board.

See, now that the KUWTK ratings are down, That Woman needs ... neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeds ... Rob and Chyna’s show, Rob & Chyna, to be the hit she so desperately craves because, you know, she doesn’t have a job other than whoring out her kids; so she offered to cut Chyna a child support check.

Oh, not to support the child she had with Rob; no, silly, these coins are for the child Chyna had with Rob’s sister’s ex-boyfriend, Tyga, who, for some reason, cannot afford child support. And That Woman will cut the checks only as long as Chyna stays with Rob and works on their show.

Gosh, with Mother’s Day coming up, I now know who should get top honors ...

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Janet Jackson has always been secretive about her life; she even got married, and divorced, twice, with nary a word about it. Then, earlier this year, she announced she was with child, had the baby at fifty and then divorced her billionaire husband, Wissam Al Mana.

There were some who thought Janet waited to have that baby knowing that her coins from the prenup would double if she had a child, but that might not be true ... except it is. And so now Wissam is coming out to dish about the Missus.

Wissam went to his website, because that’s what one does, to give some snark about Janet in the form a few cryptic passages from the Quran:

“You shall most certainly be tried in your possessions and in your persons; and indeed you shall hear many hurtful things from those to whom revelation was granted before your time, as well as from those who have come to ascribe divinity to other beings beside Allah. But if you remain patient in adversity and conscious of Him—this, behold, is something to set one’s heart upon.”

Sounds like Wissam is coming for Janet.

Where is my bucket of popcorn?

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Apparently being the daughter of a multimillionaire media tycoon isn’t enough to save you from financial dire straits.

Tori Spelling.

It appears that the IRS—tired of waiting for a check—has emptied the bank accounts of Spelling and her adulterer husband Dean Something-Or-Other.

Last July, it was reported that the couple—who had their fifth child in March—were slammed with a federal tax lien for $707,487.30 in unpaid federal taxes for 2014. And then Something-Or-Other’s—quick Google search reveals the deadbeats last name is McDermott—ex-wife, Mary Jo Eustace, threatened him with jail over unpaid child support and Dean sobbed to the court that he and the Missus have, ahem, “fallen on hard times.”

And that might be true, because in November 2016, the couple was sued by American Express over an unpaid credit-card balance of $87,595.55; AMEX sued them earlier in year over a $37,981.97 bill.

So what do Tori and Dean do? Well, their tried to turn their lives, and this fifth child, the Band-Aid baby they created in the hopes of salvaging their marriage and their bank accounts, into a reality show but, yeah, no one is buying.

Perhaps when she goes to jail she can turn that into a show? Tori and Dean In The Big House While Their Children Live With Nana?

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Mel B’s huge bust-up with ex-husband Stephen Belafonte was ALLEGEDLY sparked by his accusation that she had slept with ... get ready to huuuuurl ...Simon Cowell.

And that’s what started the fight that ended their marriage because, after Belafonte made those allegations, as Mel prepared for the talent show’s final in December 2014, she ended up missing the first night of the two-parter due to an ALLEGED drug overdose. But she was back the next night—with bruises on her face and arms—and hiding the fact that she had been accused of having an affair with Cowell.

But it wasn’t just Cowell, Belafonte was jealous of, it was also fellow judge Cheryl Cole; Belafonte ALLEGEDLY lost his temper backstage after Mel playfully grabbed Cheryl’s rear-end and walked into her dressing room wearing next to nothing. Mel subsequently filed for divorce from Belafonte and won a restraining order against him.

I’ve a feeling it’s only going to get uglier, but can it get uglier than someone thinking you’re cheating with Simon Man-Boobs Cowell?

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Poor Tommy Mottola; he was married for a short time to  über diva Mariah Carey, and he probably thought that was insane. But his current wife, Mexican superstar Thalia, is ALLEGEDLY giving Carey a run for the title.

Thalia is being sued over a 20-year deal with EDF Brands to license products in her native country after the company accused her of skipping promotional duties and charged them $120,000 for travel, which is way beyond the bounds of their contract.

For a two-day trip for a product launch, Thalia ALLEGEDLY demanded a private plane from New York to Mexico City for $65,000, hotel rooms for $15,000, security for $25,000, hair and makeup for $6,000 and a stylist for $10,000.

However, unlike Carey, she didn’t ask for money to have someone carry her through the hotel lobby like a giant stripper rag-doll, so, yeah, there’s that.

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On Tuesday we learned that basketball player, and, well, player, Carmelo and La La Anthony’s marriage of seven years is over because, ALLEGEDLY, Carmelo got a stripper pregnant and, funny thing, a lot of wives don’t like that.

And so, even though the couple signed a prenup, get ready for Cash Battles when the pair files for divorce. He has a $124 million contract with the Knicks and has earned more than $200 million during his career; he also has contracts with Nike Jordan and Foot Locker.

Now, that’s some bank, right there and even though the couple has a prenup, rumor has it that, like most premarital contracts, there’s a cheating clause and so this pregnant stripper business could mean a big pay out for La La if she decides to challenge the prenup.

I see a lot of extra zeros on the check Carmelo will be writing to La La.

Just sayin’.

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Recently, at the premiere of Clive Davis’ documentary, “The Soundtrack of Our Lives,” legends like Aretha Franklin, Dionne Warwick and Barry Manilow took the stage to perform, but it was Carly Simon who was the standout ... though not in the way one might think.

It seems Carly performed a cringe-worthy  rendition of “Coming Around Again,” in a mash-up with ... wait for it ... it’s crazy ... “Itsy Bitsy Spider,” while flanked by a group of small children doing the nursery rhyme hand gestures.

One attendee wailed:

“Why is this happening?”

Someone else cried:

“This sounded a lot better when we were high in the ’70s.”

But apparently Simon has performed the song mash-up for years and no one has told her to stop ... so I will: Stop.

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You know, when you’re Lea Michele and you were once the It Girl on a hit show like Glee and then followed it up with the role of Not It girl on not hit show Scream Queens, you need to get some attention. And what better way to do that than to announce to the world which famous women you’d hook-up with:

“I was just talking to Brad Goreski, who I love the most, and I was like, ‘Brad, if you were gonna be with a girl, who would you be with?’ He said Scarlett Johansson, and I stopped for a minute and was like, ‘Oh my God, I think me too. Also, Penélope Cruz, but I’ve been told that she kind of looks like me, so I don’t know what that says about me — that I’m narcissistic?!”

Yes, that’s exactly what it says; it also says you have a giant ego is you think you look anything like Penélope Cruz. But then she goes further and compares herself to ... I can hardly say it ... my head is pounding ... Cher:

 “It’s just gonna be me in bed with gay people and I’m gonna be alone forever like Cher, and that’s totally fine by me. That’s just the story of my f—kin’ life, all right.”

Stop, Lea, sit down. You are not Cher; on your best day you are not Cher on her worst day.

Stop; then go away.

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