I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

So, y’all remember last week when Disney stepped in a pile of Don’t Say Gay doo-doo when the Mouse House did nothing to condemn that hate-filled Florida bill? And then CEO Bob Chapek suggested the company was working behind the scenes to support the LGBTQ+ community, but a great many Pixar and Disney employees put Disney on blast, listing all the ways Disney has profited off the LGBTQ+ community but not really supported us.

Well, in stepped actor Gabrielle Union, who  stars in Disney’s reboot of Cheaper by the Dozen and is trans activist Zaya Wade’s stepmother. Union took no prisoners when she was asked if she was disappointed in Disney’s response to Don’t Say Gay, and said:

“Somebody asked me, ‘Are you disappointed?’ I’m disappointed when my order isn’t right at In-N-Out. I don’t even think that’s a word that you could use for something like this, where children’s lives are literally hanging in the balance. We need to own that if you truly are taking stands against hate and oppression, you should not fund hate and oppression. Period. The damage is done. There are so many states that are following suit [with Florida’s legislation], because there is no pushback, because no one in positions of power [or] corporations are taking a hard stance. Let’s look who’s donating to what and let’s call people out … I think a lot of people like to confuse accountability and consequences for cancel culture. And as long as you have a microphone and a stage that’s not cancel culture, honey… We have to campaign and fund for those people who stand for all of us.”

Suh-nap, as Anne Marie would have said, and I add a double suh-nap to Un ion’s statement because she worked for Disney and still took them on.

Brava, Mama.

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Kim Kardastrophe and Kanye West’s divorce looks like it might get even uglier.

In the new trailer for Hulu’s “The Kardastrophes,” Kim shares a displeasing comment her now-ex-husband made to her:

“He told me my career is over.”

Her ‘career’ as a reality show whore? As a wannabe lawyer? Her career as a former porn star turned underwear mogul?

Gurl bye.

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Wendy Williams has had a bad couple of years, what with her husband fathering a child with his lover and then divorcing Wendy; and that was followed up by health scares, a Graves Disease diagnosis, allegations of substance abuse and mental health issues, which culminated in Wendy leaving her talk show for most of last year and well into 2022.

But in a phone call to GMAS this week, Wendy proclaimed that she has the “mind and body of a 25-year-old”—on a high shelf in a dark closet?—and needs three more months to handle some shiz and then she’ll come back to her show, except …

The producers have cancelled the Wendy Williams Show and replaced it with Sherri! starring Sherri Shepherd, so unless Wendy changes her name, I don’t see her back on TV as the host … of Sherri!

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A few years ago a rumor came out that Jada Pinkett Smith had cheated on her husband Will with a twenty-something friend of their son, Jaden. Both Mr. and Mrs. Smith got on their high horses, panties in a twist and said no affair ever happened and how dare anyone ever say it happened.

Cut to a few years later, and Jada and Will, on her Facebook talk show, Red Table Talk, discussed her affair with the young man, but didn’t address their indignation at the public for discussing Jada’s affair. The couple then suggested that they have an open marriage and yada yada yada publicity.

Now, a couple of years past that, and Will Smith is campaigning for an Oscar for his role in King Richard—not  a Shakespeare play but a film about Venus and Serena Williams’ father Richard—and Will appeared on CBS with Gayle King who asked many questions, including this one:

“You both have talked very candidly—it’s a very famous story–infidelity in the marriage and how you navigated that that time …”

“Yeah, never. There’s never been infidelity in our marriage.”

“Never been infidelity in the marriage?”

“Never. Jada and I talk about everything. And we have never surprised one another with anything, ever.”

Oh. So, if you tell your spouse you’re cheating it isn’t infidelity? Yeah, I don’t think so, I think it’s still infidelity, because I guarantee your wedding vows said nothing about poking your dick in other women, or even men, or allowed Jada to flop on her back with her heels to Jesus.

Just own, it, Will, You and your wife cheat on one another but you both know the other does it and you’re both fine with that, but don’t expect anyone to believe this hogwash.

Infidelity won’t doesn’t bother either one of you unless the day comes when one of you keeps their cheating secret to themselves.

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Now, some of you may know that recovering alcoholic and Real Housewives of New York ‘star,’ Luann de Lesseps was arrested a couple of years ago for drunkenly breaking into someone else’s hotel room and then trying to assault a police officer, has fallen off the wagon … ALLEGEDLY.

Last week former Countess de Lesseps drunkenly took over the mic at a gay piano bar and began singing so badly that patrons began booing, causing de Lesseps to shout ‘Fuck you’ from the stage before she was kicked out of the club.

Apparently the Countess,  who performs her own “Countess Cabaret” show, arrived intoxicated at the Townhouse piano bar and took to the stage as if she were performing her act for the crowd who was not amused; one witness said:

“Luann thought she was doing her act. She tried to sing [her own song] ‘Money Can’t Buy You Class,’ but they didn’t know it, they know standards. The piano player was like, ‘I don’t know the song,’ and she responded, ‘It’s a hit!'”

SIDENTOE: the critically trashed song sold 19,000 digital copies.

And then it got worse. Luann began “belting out jumbled versions of songs,” which were so intolerable that “the crowd began booing her” and so she began yelling back:

“You don’t know me! I’m a cabaret star! Fuck you.”

Then she was thrown out of the club.

Luann told the press the next day that she was “at rehearsals all day … then went to dinner with Broadway producers. We were in a celebratory mood and drinking champagne.”

And making a drunken, belligerent fool of herself. Again.

You can see the video, and hear Luann singing caterwauling here:

The Sun

To cleanse my eyes and mind of things de Lesseps, let’s talk about country singer Jessie James Decker showing off her nekkid football player husband on his 35th birthday,

Decker shared that photo of Eric Decker on Instagram wearing only his "birthday suit" to celebrate his milestone, telling followers that he's "lookin like a statue from Greece" in the poolside picture from Mexico.

Thanks Jessie.

PS There was also the time Eric posed with Jessie’s new cookbook rather provocatively.

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I Didn't Say It

Gavin Newsom, governor of California, on the mass shooting in San Jose this week:

“What the hell's going on in the United States? What the hell's wrong with us? And when are we going to come to grips with this? When are going to put down our arms, literally and figuratively?"

As I said yesterday, we won’t do anything until our elected officials, who take blood money from gun groups, are run out of office.

But even then we need to demand that something be done, because the blood that fell this week in San Jose is on all of our hands.

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Michele Bachmann, former GOP representative and presidential candidate, and certifiable lunatic, on the Capitol riot:

“Jan. 6, we’re all told that that’s the worst day that ever happened, these were the worst riots in America. It absolutely wasn’t. It is my opinion that this was a theatrical event that the progressive left put on. The individuals who were the instigators, who brought this about, these were agitators brought in to create this problem. I believe it was specifically done to rebrand [the twice-impeached, one-term loser] as being an insurrectionist and a leader of a terrorist movement. I also believe that this was done to rebrand the Make America Great agenda, those of us who supported [the twice-impeached, one-term loser] and that agenda as evil and terrorists. That’s all a lie. In the last five months, you wouldn’t even know that [the twice-impeached, one-term loser] was ever the president. You wouldn’t even know that those four years of his presidency existed. George Orwell wrote a book, ‘1984.’ He talked about a concept called the memory hole; if the government in charge didn’t want you to remember someone, they put them in the memory hole. [the twice-impeached, one-term loser] has been put in a memory hole, Make America Great Again has been put in a memory hole.”

Oh, so much to choose from … the only theatrical production Bachmann knows is the role of heterosexual husband played by her oh-so-gay-a-purse-falls-from-his-lips-every-time-he-speaks husband.

And the reason the GOP is being branded as evil terrorist is because they won’t even hold hearings on this terror attack because they know it will reveal their complicity.

And if you think the twice-impeached, one-term loser is being shoved down a memory hole, good, though he’d be better off in the prison hole.

Now, go pretend you’re married to a straight man and are a sane human being.

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Jimmy Kimmel, tearing into “imbecile maskholes” like Marjorie Taylor Greene.

“The only reason you’re somewhat safe now is that other people got the shot. You’re the person who heads for the bathroom when the check comes at the restaurant. You’re the lady who takes home the centerpieces from a wedding you weren’t invited to. You’re the guy who brings five napkins to a potluck dinner. That’s you. You don’t think it’s you. But it’s you.”

Marjorie Taylor Greene is a dangerous woman because if even one person buys the bull shiz she spreads, that’s one person too many. I hope Georgia is watching and will be voting to send her back to Hell from whence she came.

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Gabrielle Union, who along with husband Dwyane Wade, on her transgender stepdaughter, Zaya Wade:

"Everyone responded [to us] with love, resources and information. We weren't coming into it like it's got to be our way. We're going to mess up. We're going to say the wrong thing. But we had to learn and be led. Our home will never be a safe space for bigots. I look at problematic language as violence and I'm never going to expose anyone I love to violence, whether that be verbal, physical, emotional or spiritual. Jerks exist in every area of life. And we function from a place of truth in our household. But if you come at us, oh, be very prepared. We want to make sure [our kids] feel strong and supported and free to be exactly who they are."

And isn’t that what parent should do?

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Ryan Russell, out NFL veteran and writer, on the wave of anti-trans legislation that seeks to prevent trans youth from participating in sports:

“Ninety-nine out of a hundred times the reason athletes of similar ability don’t go the same distance or don’t make the leap from amateur to professional is circumstance and opportunity, two things that in our day and age—unlike mastery of a sport—you are born into. After the past few weeks, most trans children including those who have immense potential to be great athletes or, at the very least, find love and joy in sports, can’t even pick up a ball without legislation telling them they don’t belong. Being born Black, queer, trans or of any marginalized community puts you behind the starting line of any race, even when you might need that love and community more than we imagine. I was given an opportunity in football. I found love there. All kids need this. I needed it as a Black teenager in the south from a low-income, single-parent home. My NFL peers all needed someone to give them a shot or they never would have made it. And trans kids need this, too. They need to be treated like kids, like they are worthy of the opportunity to play, to find love and community on the field. Everyone is worthy of this. To exclude trans athletes is to use sport in direct opposition of where its true power lies. When it comes to change, sport is one of the strongest conduits to help show society what it is capable of when we come together, but it has to be used for the better of all of us. Jackie Robinson understood that, Robbie Rogers knew that, Megan Rapinoe knows that, Chris Mosier knows that, and I hope you know it as well.”

Nice to see a male athlete come out strong for trans youth. We need more voices like his.

Russell came out as bisexual in 2019 after playing in the NFL for three seasons.

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I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

It appears that America’s Got Talent host, Terry Crews, has finally decided to make a statement about the ALLEGED racial and sexist goings on at the show; the ALLEGATIONS were that judge Gabrielle was fired from the show because her hairstyles were, ahem, “too black,” and because she complained about Jay Leno telling a joke about Koreans eating dogs.

And now Terry, after being called out by Gabrielle and others for saying nothing for months has burped up some rubbish about diversity on the show:

“That was never my experience on America’s Got Talent. In fact, it was the most diverse place I have ever been in my 20 years of entertainment. The top 10 acts were Asian, women, older, younger, Black, White. It was everything in the gamut … I can’t speak for sexism because I am not a woman, but I can speak on behalf of any racism comments.”

I guess Terry Crews forgot how Gabrielle Union came to his defense when people mocked him over his ALLEGATIONS of sexual assault; but Gabrielle remembers, and she’s dragging Crews because none of the ALLEGATIONS she made has ever been disputed by NBC:

“Why anyone would gleefully get up on TV and tell lies that NO ONE disputed [the story] … Can someone please ask [about] what happens to all that diversity folks are talking about BEHIND THE SCENES. Like ... where the hell is all that diversity in the production though … ? In the decision-making ranks who control the fate of the diversity in front of the camera? The policing, criticism, and all other forms of bullshit ass commentary about our hair... KEEP FIGHTING!!! They truly believe if you stay quiet, they've won. Don't be quiet. Do not let this stand.”

After getting called out as a liar, one might think Crews would close his mouth, but instead he spewed some real nonsense:

“I’m a hog.

You’re a chicken.

Just ‘cuz you gave me eggs—

Don’t mean I owe you bacon.”

- Ancient Flint Michigan proverb”

And when People were all WTF, Crews said he meant Gabrielle Union and every single woman who tries to educate him on facts over bull shiz. And, in doing so, Crews said his mom, sister, and daughters can also eff off because the only woman he has to please is his wife, who may, or may not be, a can of Red Bull:

“There is only one woman one earth I have to please. Her name is Rebecca. Not my mother, my sister, my daughters or co-workers. I will let their husbands/ boyfriends/ partners take care of them. Rebecca gives me WINGS.”

So, basically Terry Crews is saying that any woman who faces some kind of workplace discrimination or sexual harassment can just pound sand because he doesn’t care and it’s not his business.

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In keeping up with his brand of krap, Mister Kim Kardastrophe, AKA Kanye Kardastrophe, says if a movie is ever made of his life, he wants a white guy to play him; and the white guy is Danny McBride.

Talk about Hollywood Whitewashing. I mean, according to The Root, Kanye and Danny had an actual conversation about this shiz and Danny says:

“Kanye asked me to play him in a movie of his life. That was a pretty stunning phone call to get. I don’t know why he wanted me to do it. Maybe that sense of ego I’m able to portray? I have no clue.”

I think Kanye meant Danny Glover instead of Danny McBride; or else, Kanye is just nuts.

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It’s been three years since Michael Strahan, after taking the job as Kelly Ripa’s co-host, bounced from the show for greener—and by greener, I mean more coins—pastures at Good Morning America. Kelly was mad at the situation because neither ABC nor Michael told her he was leaving until a minute before the world found out. The world is angry because Kelly’s new co-host is Ryan Seacrest, that slice of talking White Bread.

Now, to be fair, both Kelly and Michael are doing just fine now, but in terms of liking one another, or being at peace with one another, yeah, that’s not happening. And Strahan seems to be the one stirring the pot, telling the New York Times:

“I didn’t wake up and say, ‘I want a job at GMA.’ I was asked to do it by the people who run the network. It was really not a choice. It was a request. But it was treated as if I was the guy who walked in and said, ‘I’m leaving.’ That part was totally misconstrued, mishandled in every way. People who should have handled it better have all apologized, but a lot of the damage had already been done. For me, it was like: Move on. Success is the best thing. Just keep on moving.”

Huh. Yeah, Michael, ABC is the Corleone Family of morning television and told you to bolt. You were offered the job, saw dollar signs, and packed your bags. And as proof, Strahan will now throw Kelly under the bus:

“One thing I tried to do is have a meeting every few weeks with her. We met a few times, and that was fine. But then eventually she said she didn’t need to meet. Can’t force somebody to do something they don’t want to do.”

Yeah, like you can’t force someone to honor their commitment and stay in the job they accepted a half minute earlier because there’s more coins at GMA.

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It appears that College Admissions Scam artists Lori Loughlin and Mossimo Giannulli are selling their Bel Air mansion.

I wonder why? I mean, either they need to money to pay for lawyers, or they already see themselves living in another Big House.

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Note to anyone planning on nominating Taylor Swift for any kind of award: if she’s not winning, she’s not coming.

And it must be true because Page Six says so. They say Swifty stayed away from this year’s Grammys because she wasn’t going to win anything. You see, Swifty don’t sit in the crowd without getting a statue.

Days before the Grammys, it was reported that Swift was going to perform The Man during the show but cancelled at the last minute over the controversy between the Recording Academy and their ex-CEO Deborah Dugan, who claims the awards are rigged. 

And Page Six is saying that in order to get Swifty there, she needed a guarantee that when the nominations were called, she’d be able to play she “aw, shucks, who me, gee whiz” face before taking to the stage for her award. Taylor, ALLEGEDLY, wanted to win Song of the Year award because, of her TEN Grammys, she doesn’t have that one yet. But since she couldn’t be guaranteed a win, Swifty strayed home and played with her cats.

However, Taylor’s people say these are lie:

“I am on the record: These statements by anonymous, unidentified ‘sources’ are absolutely 100 percent false and laughable. She just didn’t go to the Grammys. You guys need to calm down.”

See what they did there, though? They actually quoted a Swifty song in their statement. Makes me believe the story is true.

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Now, this might make Taylor happy, though there’s no statuette to go with it.

The Razzies are coming up and it’s a shoe in that Cats will be leading the pack, but … this week Cats was honored … honored … by PETA for not using actual cats in the film.

For the third year in a row, PETA has handed out their Oscat Awards to filmmakers and performers who showed “compassion” to animals and since Cats has no cats, they win!

I think this shows that PETA has no idea what’s best for animals. All Cats did was make actual cats look bad.

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I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

In 2005, Jamie Foxx was nominated for Best Actor for Ray, spoiler alert … he won … and also for Best Supporting Actor for Collateral, spoiler alert … he lost. And it appears that Foxx’s double nominations came as a surprise to Oliver Stone because in 1999, Stone thought Foxx couldn’t act his way out of a wet paper sack. And we know it’s true, because it’s Foxx telling the story:

“I remember Oliver Stone, when I first auditioned [for Any Given Sunday], he was like, “You’re horrible.” And I was like, “What?” He was like, “Just get the fuck out of here.” As I’m walking out, he said, “Jamie Foxx, slave to television.”

And yet Jamie seems to have appreciated Stone’s critique because he learned from it … though he doesn’t say how. But as we have learned from the past, Foxx received good reviews for Any Given Sunday and proved he could really act by spending five years acting like he wasn’t dating his Collateral co-star, Tom Cruise’s ex-wife Katie Holmes.

He should’a at least been nominated for something for that role.

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Mohamed Hadid, father of models Bella and Gigi Hadid, ex-husband of former RHoBH “star” Yolanda Hadid Foster, is ALLEGEDLY bankrupt.

Or not. Hadid  did file bankruptcy papers, but they were for his construction company, 901 Strada LLC, after he was ordered by an :A judge to tear down what he calls Starship Enterprise, a ridiculous half-built 30,000square foot mansion he’s been building in Bel Air for seven years because the multi-million dollar manse is not up to code, was illegally built and, according to neighbors, a “danger to the community.”

And it’s hideous. I would have ordered it torn down on looks alone.

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Gabrielle Union was recently fired from America’s Got Talent amid rumors that she had complained about workplace racial issues she witnessed, including racist jokes and sexist remarks.

Now, NBC, home of AGT, and former home of pervert Matt Lauer, is in  damage control mode, releasing a joint statement with AGT, Simon Cowell‘s Syco Entertainment and NBC’s Freemantle defending themselves which has only fanned the flames of ALLEGED stories.

There was a story about Jay Leno making a joke about Koreans eating dogs on camera, which was cut. There were stories about Gabrielle being told her hair was “too black”—whatever that means—and fellow AGT judge Julianne Hough getting notes about her looks. There was also a claim that Gabrielle was labeled “difficult” when she complained that Simon’s smoking inside bothered her since she’s allergic to cigarette smoke. The joint statement by Cowell and the show make no mention of any of this, but instead say that everyone involved in the show is “committed” to a “respectful workplace.” They also claim that they’re working with Gabrielle’s people about her complaints.

As in paying her off so she’ll stop talking? Hint: she won’t. And she shouldn’t.

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SNL comic, and standup comedian, Pete Davidson is asking his fans to sign a non-disclosure agreement before seeing his stand-up shows, and if an audience member breaks that signed NDA by Tweeting or Instagramming opinions about the show, they can be sued for $1 million.

Seriously? Pete Davidson thinks he can sue someone for posting an opinion? The idea that he thinks that is the funniest thing he’s ever done.

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Now, for those of you concerned with Tanning Your Butthole ...

Don’t. Apparently the sun doesn’t treat a naked sphincter too kindly. Just ask actor Josh Brolin who claimed he was butt fucked by the sun’s rays and now his hole is on fire. Josh wrote on Instagram last week that he spread his cheeks in the wild to sunbathe his asshole and it now felt he’d been fingered by a molten curling iron.

And I’ve officially heard everything …at least until next week?

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I Didn't Say It ...

_____, on his self-perceived popularity: 

"I could stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and shoot somebody and I wouldn't lose voters."

And that says more about your supporters, AKA wingnuts, than it says about you, AKA narcissistic tool.

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Cher, on class and economic status being at the root of Flint's water crisis and blaming both political parties for it:

"Poor people are just left to hang out in the wind. I'm the last person who can say I think a Republican government can do anything right because I just don't like them, OK? They don't give a flying whatever about poor people. They just don't. [But] it's the Democrats, too. There's so much rancor between the two [parties] that they spend more time trying to keep each other from getting anything done. Nothing really works in the country, and nothing works for poor people. There will never be any kind of equality until there's the ground-up kind from nurturing and schooling and just basic things — like water."

Is it just me or does Cher sound more like a viable presidential candidate than Donald [t]Rump?

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Danny DeVito, on the #OscarsSoWhite controversy:

“It’s unfortunate that the entire country is racist. This is one example of the fact that even though some people have given great performances in movies they weren’t even thought about. We are living in a country that discriminates and has certain racist tendencies, so sometimes it manifests itself something like this, and it’s illuminated, but just generally speaking we’re racists. We are a bunch of racists.”

Danny, Danny, Danny, How ignorant of you to say the entire country is racist. Way to step up with a solution or a cogent thought.

Now sit down, you’re not needed for an adult discussion.

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Kristen Stewart, on wage disparity in Hollywood:

“It’s hard for me to speak to that because it’s awkward. I’m so fucking lucky and so stimulated and driven like not bored and I have something in front of me all the time, so it sounds weird for me to sit around and be like, ‘It’s not fair!’ It’s like, well, guys make more money, because their movies make more money. It’s like, let’s start making…. It makes sense. Like, if you’re bored or if you feel like there’s a lack of something in front of you…. It’s silly for me to say but, ‘Go do something.’ My mom’s an artist, she’s like a painter, she’s a script supervisor as well. So like, when she wasn’t working she was making something. She was never bored. Instead of sitting around and complaining about that, do something, go write something, go do something for yourself. You know what I mean? And that’s easy to say, like fuck, it’s hard to get movies made. It’s a huge luxury. Who gets to just make movies? That subject is so prevalently everywhere right now and it’s boring.”

Obviously, this piece of driftwood called Kristen Stewart needs a scriptwriter to make herself understood because this is a word salad worthy of that wench from Wasilla.

Plus, she like says ‘like’ like about like ten like times.

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Gabrielle Union, actress, after being asked to comment on FoxNews' Stacey Dash's call to get rid of BET and the Image Awards:

“Who’s Stacey Dash? Is she like related to Dame Dash? Was she on Roc-A-Fella? I heard of a crazy lady once, but I don’t know what her name is.”

Snap.

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I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

Ariana Grande is a diva. She actually out-mariahs Mariah, y’all, especially if you say ‘Mariah’ in her presence. And more and more people are talking about her diva attitude, which kinda lends credence to every story that follows.

A source — and it could be Dina Lohan since Lindsay’s broke and selling “I Rolled Whitney Through The Morgue” stories for cash — says, “Having a preferred side is nothing new. Barbra Streisand, Mariah Carey and even Tina Fey have them. The difference is that normally a publicist will come up and politely ask that you shoot X from X side. With Ariana’s team, it is a demand from the beginning … Instead of coming off like an assertive woman who knows what she wants, it makes Ariana seem like a toddler throwing a tantrum and her parents handling the dirty work for her.”

This week, a behind-the-scenes video of Grande’s Marie Claire cover shoot surfaced, showing the pop starlet — who is currently dating Naya Rivera’s leftovers, AKA fiancé Big Sean —walking around the set during which time she is photographed Left Side Only.

When asked to confirm whether Grande prefers to be filmed from her left side only, a Marie Claire publicist says, “Ariana arrived on set wearing jeggings, a black Nadia Tarr tank top, black suede Louis Vuitton pumps, and a beige Prada tote, sporting her signature high ponytail. ‘It’s a natural face-lift,’ she joked.”

Uh huh. No comment would have been easier, and that’s just what Ariana’s people said … nothing.

I guess I called it wrong — I do that … sometimes — but the other night Lindsay Lohan actually made her stage debut in London’s West End revival of Speed-the-Plow. She didn’t call in sick; she wasn’t found passed out in the mini-bar of her hotel; she didn’t steal any jewels during intermission; she wasn’t rushed to hospital suffering exhaustion in the third act.

But the reviews; ah, the reviews. They range from “trainwreck” to “boring” — with “trainwreck” being American for “Lindsay Lohan,” I think.

According to some London papers, both Lindsay and her co-star, Richard Schiff — formerly of The West Wing­ — had serious problems remembering their lines: note to Dick Schiff, do not drink from Lindsay’s water” bottle backstage; note to Lohan: stop reading your lines from the inside of a prop book onstage because it didn’t fool the audience at all!

And, since Lohan was playing the part of a delusional, obsessive compulsive, many in the audience thought she was playing herself and actually laughed out loud during certain parts of the dramatic play. Such as when Lindsay missed her cue; now, to be fair, the audience waited patiently, but when she still said nothing, the tee-hee-ing began, which lead to actual laughter when Schiff’s character said to Lohan’s character, “You have done a fantastic job!”

Later, when Lohan’s Karen said, I know what it is to be bad, I’ve been bad,” the audience guffawed.

Guffawed! Ow.

After her Butter Palace melted last year when the world learned of her racist comments and racist policies at her restaurants, people began dropping Paula Deen like a bad racist habit. And so, with her wallet on the line, she began a media assault rivaled only by the storming of the beaches of Normandy in the Second World War.

She was everywhere, tears streaming down her face, the I’m sorry’s drizzling like molasses from her lips. She was wrong, she was misunderstood, it was a different time … you know, when racism was good and The Colored Folk knew their place; Paula’s utopia. And then she was gone and life was good and low-calorie again.

Only now Deen’s comes roaring back to sit with Matt Lauer on The today Show again and talk again and apologize again. Lauer started off by reminding us how many companies dropped Paula after she admitted to tossing the N-word around like she was dressing an endive salad, but he failed to talk about how Paula wanted the black employees at her restaurants to dress up like Mammies and Pappies in their cute little jackets and how they should jump through hoops and call her Miss Paula and kiss her feet when she deigned to acknowledge them,.

Then it was Paula’s turn to talk; she said she shouldn’t have been on Today last year, that she should’ve been at home under a doctor’s care — apparently there’s a medical reason for being a giant racist f%k — and then she started pimping out her latest project, an online recipe subscription page … for whites only … okay, maybe she didn’t say whites only, but it was implied, I’m sure.

Matt asked Paula what she’s learned about herself and the tears came, and the sad eyes came, and the drawl came out stronger than ever:

“I’ve learned so much over the year, it’s going to require another book. We are working on a documentary that’s going to air on [my] network because I feel like everybody needs to know the whole entire story.”

Ka-ching! I’m going to make a profit off my racism because those asshats that think I’ve been treated badly will pay to hear me whine some more … and whine some more she did:

“It’s the power of words, I don’t care how old they are, words are so powerful. They can hurt, they can make people happy. Well, my words hurt people. They disappointed people, frankly I disappointed myself. For that, I’m so sorry for the hurt, I caused people because it went deep. People lost their jobs, it went deep into corporate America. I’m here to make people happy, not to bring sadness.”

That’s southern for: “I’m sorry for all the money I lost.”

Bless her heart. That’s Southern for: “Shut up you ignorant bitch.”

Kim Kardashian got naked in front of some cameras. Again.

Apparently, someone hacked Kim’s iCloud — or, what I think happened, That Woman emailed the pictures for a pre-fixed amount — and found some nekkid pictures of The Kardastrophe that have now found their way into the public domain.

Show of hands … who’s surprised? Who’s surprised that a woman who made her name on being the star of a homemade porn tape that her own mother shopped around to garner some attention, would have nekkid pictures of herself stolen? Anyone?

That’s what I thought.

Now, on the other hand, actress Gabrielle Union also had some of her nude photos hacked and then leaked to the media, too.

I’m ambivalent about all of this and here’s why, Gabby: I’ve never taken a nude selfie because I know, yes, I know, that if you have those kinds of pictures on any kind of electronic device, they can be stolen. Now, I also know that no one wants to see my nude selfie because I’m not some famous person … like you, a basketball player’s wife.

But here’s what I also find odd; it’s been a few weeks since the first round of Nudie Hacking started and so why didn’t any of these new women think, Uh oh, I’ve got some nekkids out there I better delete ‘em and get my phone into a Silkwood scrubdown.

Well, because it’s publicity; the kind you can act all shocked about; the kind you can pretend you don’t want — like when all the starlets and hookers, from Britney to Paris to Lindsay were flashing they’re vaginas while getting out of cars — even though you took the pictures, and saved the pictures, and possibly even sent the pictures through the internet ether to whomever you thought wanted to see your ladybits.

You don’t want your nude selfies hacked and leaked then DON’T TAKE NUDE SELFIES.

Problem solved … and you’re welcome.

My ears! My ears!

I’m just practicing, but y’all better get ready, too, because Kylie Jenner has finally realized that she’ll never be a Big-Assed Porn Star married to a Big Headed Maniac, and she won’t be a Rail Thin Model, so she’s going into Ali Lohan Mode: she’s gonna sing, y’all!

A source—and you know it’s That Woman—says, “Kylie has found her calling in life — to be a singer! She is in training right now with vocal coach and producer, Tim Carter.”

Carter produced Willow Smith’s one-hit-wonder “Whip My Hair” and has worked with Kanye’s former BFFs Jay Z and Beyoncé, and nothing is too good for That Woman’s paycheck, er, daughter.  In fact, That Woman says, “Kylie is now working on her first single! She is telling everyone that she knows she is going to be the next Katy Perry.”

There isn’t enough money in the world to make that happen, but what I do see happening is a Kylie Jenner-Ali Lohan duet called “We’re Not Our Sisters But Our Mother’s Still Whore Us Out.”

I might buy that.

Gwyneth Paltrow keeps acting like she’s fine after consciously uncoupling with her husband and after schtupping Brad Falchuk, the married, but now headed for divorce, big-shot from Glee, but is she really okay now that Chris is dating the much younger, far more talented, far more fun loving, Oscar winner and triple nominee, Jennifer Lawrence?

The simple answer is No.

They might be “consciously uncoupled” but Paltrow still making sure she has a place in Chris Martin’s life … well, not in his life, but in his weekly schedule.

In fact, while she publicly says she’s happy he’s dating JLaw — and you know she’s not because JLaw is JLaw and Paltrow is a Martha Stewart-wannabe-not-gonna-happen — she’s created a set schedule for Chris on when, and how long, and possibly with whom, he can see his children.

A source — and it could be Martha still on the attack — says, “Gwyneth still has a lot of control over him, which isn’t exactly desirable to prospective girlfriends. The way things are at the moment, no sane person would want to be an accessory to their conscious uncoupling.”

Except for JLaw, who seems unfazed by the whole thing, even becoming a sort of Coldplay groupie and following Chris around the country while Goop sits at home and tried to fill in martin’s calendar with play-dates and Mommy and Me time.

Now, let’s end with more Ariana …

A man has posted a story of the time his young daughter — a former Grande fan but now not so much — met her idol.

One day, in 2011, before she was anything more than a Nickelodeon blip, Ariana tweeted that she would be visiting the Titanic exhibit at the Luxor in Las Vegas. A young girl begged her dad to drive her down to the hotel — they lived nearby — so she could sneak a peek at her idol.

They waited outside, hoping to see Ariana, and she finally made an appearance with her mother and two other people. Ariana, spotting her fan, said, “Hi. Do you want a picture?”

“Yes, please. I’m such a fan of yours. I saw your tweet and hoped I could come down and meet you.”

“Aww, that’s so cool,” replied Ariana, “What’s your name?”

They chatted for a minute or two, and then posed for a photo. Ariana said she thought she looked terrible in the photo — maybe it was a Rightie? — asked for a do-over, hugged her young fan and left.

Flash forward to August, 2014. Ariana is a superstar and MTV is running a contest for fans to meet her at the MTV Music Awards. This same young girl enters the contest by producing some artwork about Ariana and writing a letter about how much she loves the budding superdiva. The girl was interviewed via phone by an MTV rep and a few days later it was announced that she was one of two winners.

She went to Hollywood, stayed in a hotel, and was told to get to the L.A. Forum for a 5PM meeting with Ariana. MTV didn’t provide transportation, so she took a cab and made it to the Forum, but was not allowed inside or even permitted to wait in the parking lot.

At some point she was allowed into the parking lot — where the winners and guests stayed—but kept being pushed back as more “important” people came in; it was now past 7:30PM. Finally, someone from MTV told her that she and the other winner would be interviewed on camera, and were to talk about what it was like meeting Ariana— even though the interview was taped before Grande ever appeared; in addition, they were each told what to say.

After the fake interview, Ariana arrived to do her own interview, away from her fans; afterwards she approached them without so much as a smile, and was surrounded by 8 to 10 assistants who barked instructions to her fans:  “You are not to present Ariana with any type of gift or anything. Give them to security and they will get them to her. You can take a selfie with her, but nothing else.”

Then Mariana, er Ariana, came over. She spent 15 seconds with each winner, took the pre-approved photos and that was it. No talking, no smiling, no thank you. She never bothered to even ask their names. She didn’t inquire as to who the contest winners were, as opposed to their guests, or what they created to win the right to meet her, but the young girl walked up to her and said “Ari, here’s a photo we took together in Vegas at the Titanic…”

Grande glanced at the photo on the girl’s phone and said, “Let’s redo that picture.”

She said nothing else, so the girl retook the photo, and then gave Ariana one of the drawings that won the contest for her; when the girl’s sister began taking pictures of her sister and Grande, Ariana snapped: “Delete those pictures, please."

The sister asked if she could keep the one of her sister showing the drawing, and Ariana turned to her security and ordered, “Make sure she deleted those.” Then she walked away without a word leaving the MTV reps — shocked by what they’d seen — to say, “Sometimes celebrities are like that.”

Some celebrities are bitches, and their fans don’t forget.