The Funny Papers

Ed Wexler, RJ Matson, Jesse Duquette, Bill Bramhall, Jack Ohman, Matt Davies, Max Espinoza, Joh Ostrove, Kevin Kallaugher, Phil Hands, Pedro X Molina, Michael de Adder, Mike Luckovich, Clay Bennett

God and Mother Nature Have a Sense Of Irony

Some folks say ‘Karma is a bitch’; I like to think that sometimes Karma is a hoot and a half.

Let’s go back a moment …

In 2010, Tony Perkins, the Head Bigot-and-Homophobe of the Family Research Council, once praised Uganda’s Kill The Gays Bill, calling it an effort to “uphold moral conduct that protects others and in particular the most vulnerable.”

He also blamed the Boston marathon bombing on "sexual liberalism" in Massachusetts.

And last year when “Christian prophet” Jonathan Cahn was a guest on Perkin’s radio show and claimed that Hurricane Joaquin was a sign of God’s wrath for the legalization of same-sex marriage, Tony Perkins agreed, saying that while “those on the left like to mock these things,” many throughout history know “God is trying to send us a message” through natural disasters.

You don’t say, Tony. Then, please to explain how a massive flood destroyed your own home this past week in Southern Louisiana.

What was God saying, Tony?

Well, Tony, who called into his own radio show to describe the floods as being of “biblical proportions” and said that he and his family will have to live in a camper — actually a luxury RV — for 6 months until the damage is repaired, wants y’all to know that this flood wasn’t because of the gays, but rather an “incredible, encouraging spiritual exercise to take you to the next level in your walk with an almighty and gracious God who does all things well.”

Uh huh.

I like to think it was God looking down on Tony Perkins and his ilk and saying,

“Have a seat, Tony. You should be quiet now.”

DeadState

NCRM

Water Water Everywhere And ... For Many ... Not A Drop To Drink

As Yogi Berra once famously said, ‘It ain’t over til it’s over.’

And it ain’t over yet; we have more rain headed our way later in the day, though it’s dry now. We’ve had about two feet of rain here in our little corner of South Carolina, and we’ve had some flooding issues, though not nearly as bad or widespread as places like Columbia and Charleston.

But, if we get through today — with nearly everything closed in the state — it might just be all right; and give the state time to fix the damaged roads, and insurance adjusters to visit all their clients and assess the damages, and the water to just go away.

The ironic part, as always, with these kinds of floods anywhere, is that water mains in the city of Columbia have broken and so the city is without potable water, though there are inundated with the stuff.

We’re lucky, in that we live on a hill, even though it’s the downward side of the hill. We are about halfway down, so the water came off the road, around the house, and then into our backyard where the Bob & Carlos Creek formed and then that flowed down the hill toward the pond our neighbors have in their yard — an actual pond, not a storm-formed pond — that is quite full, though not spilling over.

And we had some water come down the chimney, and one of the skylights leaked a little, but that's nothing compared to so many people in the state so we'll take that, mop it up, get it fixed, and move on.

The upside is that Carlos, looking at our backyard, and the river running through it, said, ‘The rain sure made everything green.’

WYFF 4

WLTX
USA Today
CNN

It's All Our Fault! 10 Disasters "The Gays" Supposedly Caused

Well, while most of the East coast is still digging out from the Frankenstorm, I--and by 'I', I mean the good folks at The Advocate--decided to take a look back through time at the disasters which have been blamed on The Gays.

Because, you know, we have the power to send hurricanes flying through the skies, but passing marriage equality, or any kind of LGBT equality, is just out of our grasp.

So, without further ado, the Top Ten disasters that nutjobs blame on The Gays so they can get their names in the papers:

1. Hurricane Sally

So-called "chaplain," John McTernan, the founder of Defend and Proclaim the Faith ministries--shouldn't it be "proclaim" then "defend"--said of Hurricane Sandy, which caused billions in damages, and left many people dead: "God is systematically destroying America. Just look at what has happened this year."

Not to be outdone, America's Church of Hate and Stupidity, the Westboro Baptist Church, also jumped on the Praise Sally bandwagon. Shirley Phelps-Roper, the batshit crazy daughter of the WBC founder and leader Fred Phelps, Tweeted: "We bow in humble thanks 2 God 4 Sandy! Thank God for a plain message delivered to a puddle of states that proudly flip Him off! #FagMarriage"

2 Floods, Fires and Tornadoes Everywhere, 2012

Pam Olsen, the founder of the Florida Prayer Network and a member of Texas Governor Rick Perry's flailed election campaign, believes marriage equality and ordination of gay priests could lead to floods, fires, and tornadoes: "You know what, God is not one that is going to wink at sin. God is shaking. If anybody looks at the news and has just seen what's been happening recently with the floods, the fires, the tornadoes, God is shaking. Yeah I think you have God shaking, sure you have the enemy shaking, you have both and I don't want to say oh that's the judgment of God or that's the enemy. But the reality is God is judging us, and I think it's going to get worse."

3 Hurricane Katrina, August 2005

Shortly following the massive destruction of hurricanes Katrina and Rita on the Gulf Coast, Repent America director Michael Marcavage issued a statement blaming the massive disaster on New Orleans's annual gay party, Southern Decadence: "Although the loss of lives is deeply saddening, this act of God destroyed a wicked city."

A year later, Megachurch Pastor John Haggee of San Antonio, Texas, said “God caused Hurricane Katrina to wipe out New Orleans because it had a gay pride parade the week before and was filled with sexual sin.”

4 Eastern U.S. Earthquake, 2011

A tremor up the east coast undoubtedly rocked the typically solid region, but that didn't stop anti-LGBT notables from shaking things up. Archconservative Orthodox rabbi Yehuda Levin, after blaming Haiti's destructive 2010 earthquake on the island nation's high HIV/AIDS rates, blamed the earthquake that originated in Virginia last year on The Gays.

Not to be outdone in the dumbfuckery, Pat Robertson added that he believed that individuals "who act kind of gay" were behind the earthquake.

5 September 11, 2001

Following the life-changing terrorist attack, Jerry Falwell said, "I really believe that the pagans and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People for the American Way, all of them who have tried to secularized America. I point the finger in their face and say, 'you helped this happen.'"

6 Tsunami, 2011

Cindy Jacobs, of something called General International, said The Gays caused the 9.0 magnitude earthquake, which prompted a destructive tsunami in eastern Japan, causing 15,870 deaths and $235 billion in damage: "Everything that I said has happened. We have seen these disasters happen. We need to repent for turning away from God and saying that we can make any laws that we want, it doesn't matter... that God's laws don't count."

7 Mass Animal Deaths, 2011

Cindy Jacobs also comes in at #7, when she explained that the thousands of birds falling dead from the sky, or tons of dead fish were just floating around belly up, were the result of the repeal of DADT.

8 Hurricane Bonnie, 1988

Pat Robertson tried to preemptively blame gay revelers at Disney World's Gay Days Weekend for being the cause of the pending storm. However, when the storm approached the U.S. mainland, it completely missed Florida but hit the rest of the east coast, and one of those hardest-hit areas was Hampton Roads, Va., where Robertson's 700 Club is based.

9 Northridge Earthquake, 1994

King of Batshittery, Pat Robertson also said the 6.7 magnitude earthquake in Los Angeles County's San Fernando Valley, which caused about $25 billion in damage and 72 deaths, was attributed to God's displeasure with gays and lesbians, pro-choice activists, and "perversity."

10 Sodom and Gomorrah

Ah yes, where it all began. The Biblical tale of debauchery and mayhem in these two cities ends badly thanks to God's anger over all of that rape — in the form of, well, sodomy.

There you have it; proof, from every asshat and nutjob and wingnut that The Gays can send hurricanes, can kill birds in flight and fish in the seas, can cause the earth to rumble and tsunamis to roar.

And yet we don't have the power to create a little marriage equality?

Silly "Christians."