Why Is It ...

… that when I look back at all the successes and failures in my life I cannot help but be proud that the potty training stuck

… that I wonder what life would be like if I didn’t overthink everything. I think about that all the time.

… that I am an adult the same way a lawn chair is furniture; I mean, it’s technically true but no one’s impressed and I’m not very stable

… that I lovelovelove when my mere presence pisses someone off

… that since gas has gotten so expensive I’ve decided I’m just gonna drink energy drinks and run everywhere

… that some of you have no idea that you aren’t worth the fuck that made you

… that in high school I could eat a Gordita Supreme and a dozen Krispy Kremes at midnight and lose three pounds but these days I go up an entire pant size every time I swallow my spit

… that when confronted with a problem my go-to mantra is, Whatever. Fuck it. I tried. Not worth it.

… that no one understands that I am happy to apologize for being a bitch as soon as they apologize for bringing the bitch out in me

… that I hate when people accuse me of lollygagging when I am quite clearly dilly dallying

Why Is It ...

… that one day, when my boss said to me, “You didn’t listen to a single thing I just said,” I replied, “That’s a weird way to start a conversation.”

… that nothing inspires the words “Fuck off” more than someone telling me to watch my language.

… that this getting old thing is taxing; I blacked out for twenty minutes this morning before I realized I’d put my hoodie on backwards.

… that another day has gone by and I have still never used (a + b)² = a² + 2ab + b²

… that the best way to hang up on someone is in the middle of your own sentence because that way they will never suspect you hung up on them

… that I am not much for seizing the day when you can just poke it with a stick!

… that when my mind goes quiet I instantly suspect that I am up to something I don’t want me to know about.

… that whenever one door closes I want to get a hammer and nails to make sure that bitch stays shut.

… that based on how I react when the toast pops out of the toaster, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.

… that today I found a new work recipe … 1 cup of cluster and 1 cup of fuck.

Meme Dump

Why Is It ...

… that I don’t think I’m old, but I have noticed that my dinner time and bedtime are getting dangerously close to one another.

… that the two worst feelings in the world are not having a job and having a job.

… that non-cat people don’t realize that cats are better than babies for many reasons, one of them being that when you’re done holding a cat you can just drop it to the floor.

… that if you speak to me in the morning and I’m mean, it’s your fault, not mine.

… that I take rumors about me as a compliment. Is it because I like the fact that you’re bringing my name to tables I don’t sit at shows your obsession with me? Stay bothered.

… that people don’t get that they can burn all the sage they want; I’ll still come back.

… that jobs are so clingy; why do you have to see me 8 hours a day, five days a week … or even 6 hours a day, four days a week.

… that I don’t get why everybody hates lazy people; we didn’t do anything.

… that October is my favorite time of year? I can finally turn off the ac and turn on the heat at 5AM then turn it off at 9AM and open the windows and then shut the windows at noon and turn on the AC, only to turn it off at 7PM and then turn …

… that if I blocked you on social media the block also applies to real life so if you see me, keep walking.

… that when my boss said my co-workers told him that I intimidate them, I stared at him until he apologized.

Why Is It ...

… that I need 10 incomes for the lifestyle I have in my head.

… that people who abhor swearing get angry with me because I can formulate an intelligent sentence and still throw a motherfucker in just for the Hell of it. Learn to juggle people.

… that people don’t get it when I say I can’t go out because the cats expect me home at a certain hour.

… that you may call them ‘Red Flags’ but I call them Ten Fun Facts you don’t know about me.

… that my car will be on Empty and I’ll drive past 4 gas stations and just go home.

… that I always see adults pour a glass of wine and fill it only halfway and I think, ‘One of us is doing this wrong and I think it’s you.’

… that holding back my sarcastic replies takes nearly all my inner strength.

… that I’ve been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I looked up my symptoms online. It’s adulthood … I have adulthood.

… that when people wonder if I can be any more annoying, I always say, “Oh god, yes!”

… that they say right before you die your life flashes before your eyes. If that’s true, I hope it includes the blackouts because that would be like bonus footage and deleted scenes on a DVD.

Why Is It ...

… that people keep reminding me to get my tires rotated? I’m pretty sue they rotate while I’m driving, but thanks anyway.

… that people don’t get that I laugh most stuff off because prision doesn’t cook the food I like.

… that life is like toilet paper; you’re either on a roll or you’re taking shiz from some asshole?

… that my first instinct when I see an animal is to say ‘Hello, and yet my first instinct when I see a human is to avoid eye contact and hope it goes away?

… that I can never be a good superhero? Is it because I know I would see the signal calling me in the sky and mutter: “I literally just poured a cup of coffee.”

… that I have shenanned before and I will shenanigan?

… that when I saw a hot man at McDonald’s spank his kid after the child threw his fries on the ground, that I also threw my fries on the ground?

… that sticks and stones may break my bones and words will also hurt me; compliments make me uncomfortable. I have social anxiety. I’m a wreck. Just go.

Why Is It ...

… that everyone needs to know that you don’t come to my house unannounced because I will just stare at you from my window.

… that when it’s nearly midnight and I remember that the sheets and duvet cover are still in the dryer, I think it’d be easier just to book a hotel for the night?

… that no one wants to rehome me. I mean, I’m tired of adulting and I’m housebroken, so what’s the issue?

… that I can be social for like three minutes but then I don’t wanna talk to anyone for four days?

… that people who tell me that I need to relax don’t know that the best I can do is dissociate?

… that my favorite colors are Black. Dark Black. Pitch Black. Pastel Black, Light Black. And Faded Black. Is it because they match my mood?

… that people often mistake me for an adult? Is it because of my age?

Why Is It ...

… that I often feel the stupidity of a Tweet is only exceeded by the stupidity of someone thinking it was a smart thing to Tweet?

… that when I learned that the average American drops about 80-90 cuss words a day, or about 5 per hour, I learned that I am above average in something?

… that some people visit my past more often than I do? Don’t they know that I sold the building and don’t live there anymore?

… that people don’t get it that my first language is talking sh*t?

… that every time I use self-checkout line the person in front of me has never used self-checkout, or touchscreens or money before?

… that I wasn’t so much born to hustle and grind, but to dilly and dally.

… that Mozart could write his first symphony at age seven, but I, as an adult, have to rehearse what I’m going to say at the drive-thru?

… that I want to be cuddled and yet I also want to be left the Hell alone? I mean, is being crazy this hard to understand?

Monday Mood

I feel like Rosita, a lump of flesh. It's been hot ... in the 90s with high humidity ... for several days and I am not in the mood for it. The only relief came in the form of laughter when I read that MAGAts crowds booed Miss Lindsey Graham for six straight minutes when she introduced Thing 45 at a rally here in South Carolina.

That's all I've got for y'all today, but it's the little things that bring me joy. I'll be sitting under a fan sippin. a Mint Julep and fannin' myself until the heat breaks.

Really? Food Tape? REALLY??!!?

As most of you know, I am in a Fuck Off Phase this week and have come to loathe most people, and the heat, and the GOP, and most people. I especially loathe how lazy and stupid and stupid and lazy people can be and then I saw this and my head popped off my shoulders and rolled around the floor until I could catch it.

Apparently, one of the newest food complaints by stupid and lazy people is trying to keep their burritos intact while they shovel it into their burrito-hole.

I kid you not, because a team of engineering students at Johns Hopkins University have invented Tastee Tape, an edible tape that helps hold together burritos, wraps, gyros, or any other kind of food thing that might fall apart as you eat it because you don’t know how to hold food or don’t have opposable thumbs or are just stupid and lazy.

Tastee Tape! The edible tape that can be used to hold food together so you don’t look like a simpering slob with food halfway down your chin and onto your shirt while you eat.

These “inventors” are not ready to share the exact ingredients of Tastee Tape just yet but want you to know that it’s made from additives already used in many foods and is completely safe to consume … until we learn it’s not and the lawsuits ensue.

Note: if you ever see me, or even hear of me, using something called Tastee Tape to hold my food together rather than eating like a civilized human being, you have the right to bitchslap me to your hearts content.

Really.

PS  I the photo above, doesn’t the Tastee Tape look like a moldy piece of masking tape? Yeah, really inviting.

PPS It's cooling off here in Smallville, so my mood may change ... oh, who am I kidding, I will always be a pissy bitch.

The Ego Cannot Land, So He Won't Go To The Mountain

There are all kinds of stories that when President-For-Now _____ visits London this fall, he’s demanded to ride in a royal, golden, carriage to his visit with the Queen.

He does like golden things, or so I’ve heard from Russian hookers.

See, _____ likes to think of himself as so extra special that he cannot do things like a normal person, or even a normal president, and now he’s showing that when he visits Israel.

President-For-Now _____ has opted out of visiting the ancient Israeli mountain fortress Masada because he couldn’t use a helicopter to get there, but would have to take a cable car like, you know, normal folks.

He was set to give a speech from Masada, but since he cannot make a grand entrance he’ll now speak at the Israel Museum in Jerusalem.

And why can’t he helicopter in? Well, there’s an Israeli Air Force regulation barring helicopters from landing at the summit of the Masada site because the wind from helicopters creates too much dust, making landing difficult, and perhaps causing damage the ancient ruins.

Former presidents George W. Bush and Bill Clinton landed helicopters at the base of the mountain and rode cable cars up but President-For-Now _____ has refused to do that.

Just sayin’.

Latest

Random Musings

Oh Mittsy! You stepped in it now and you're too ignorant to respond....

For some reason this bugs the bejeesus outta me. Maybe it’s because it’s yet another step toward us becoming the absolutely laziest people on Earth.

See, Ford is introducing a new kick-start sensor that lets owners open their rear liftgate without using their hands. When someone who has the car key in their pocket walks up to the vehicle, they can wave their foot under the bumper and the back liftgate opens; and they can close the door the same way.

Here’s the rub.

I carry packages to my car, but I have the foresight to take my keys out of my pocket beforehand. And if I don’t, I do a little something I like to call, Set The Package Down, Get My Keys, Unlock The Car, Pick My Packages Up, Load The Car, Close The Door, Lock It and Go.

Seriously. We really need to have a key sensor so I can wave my 'effing' foot like a magic wand under my bumper because it’s just too damn hard to do it any other way.

Hello? Lazy? Yeah, it’s me, Bob. Knock it off.

I am still into American Horror Story, mainly because of Jessica Lange and my love for horror. I still, however, feel the writers and producers are cramming too many stories into one season, and I am hoping that they all tie together somehow.

Satan. Serial killers. Human experimentation. Catholic Nuns. Mutants in the woods.

Please let it all come together in one cohesive nightmare.

I am also loving Dexter--is he gonna get caught?--and Homeland; and I am a sap for 666 Park Avenue and Nashville.

John  McTernan, who calls himself a “Christian religious leader,” which means he spouts nonsense in the name of God, has claimed Hurricane Sandy is proof that “God is systematically destroying America” as political judgment for the “homosexual agenda.”

He’s done this sort of Pat Roberston Jump The Shark bull shiz before, about Hurricane Katrina in 2005, and Hurricane Isaac in 2012.

Apparently, all those other hurricanes, before and after, were just bad weather and not God all mad at The Gays and stuff.

McTernan believes it worth mentioning that Hurricane Sandy is hitting 21 years after the “Perfect Storm,” because 3 is a “significant number with God”:

“Twenty-one years breaks down to 7 x 3, which is a significant number with God. Three is perfection as the Godhead is three in one while seven is perfection. It appears that God gave America 21 years to repent of interfering with His prophetic plan for Israel; however, it has gotten worse under all the presidents and especially Obama. Obama is 100 percent behind the Muslim Brotherhood which has vowed to destroy Israel and take Jerusalem. Both candidates are pro-homosexual and are behind the homosexual agenda. America is under political judgment and the church does not know it!”

Um, is it The Gays, or The Jews?

Or The Gay Jews?

Or maybe it’s just The Crazy.

Eric Bodenweiser, a Republican candidate for the Delaware State Senate, who brags about being a member of the anti-gay Delaware Family Policy Council, has been indicted on multiple charges of engaging in unlawful sex acts with a 13-year-old boy.

Yeah. The homophobe is a pedophile.

Where oh where have we’ve seen this before? It seems every time some anti-gay politician or preacher speaks up ad nauseum about the dangers of The Gays, it turns out they’re really only talking about themselves.

The Bodenweiser indictment includes 113 felony sex charges, including 39 counts of unlawful sexual intercourse—first-degree and 74 counts of unlawful sexual contact—second-degree.

Lovely. I guess by being pro-family, he means he’s pro-little boy f**king.

I often wonder Mike Huckabee decided to stop running for president. I mean, I’m sure he knew he didn’t have a snowballs chance in Hell of ever becoming president of anything higher than the PTA—and even that is a position for which he is unqualified—but all of the sudden he’s out.

Well, now I realize it’s because he was bitten by The Crazy.

See, Mike Huckleberry is the latest, ahem, for lack of a better word, politician, and talking head for FuxNews, to threaten voters’ very souls if they do not make the “right” choice at the polls this year:

“Many issues are at stake, but some issues are not negotiable: The right to life from conception to natural death. Marriage should be reinforced, not redefined. It is an egregious violation of our cherished principle of religious liberty for the government to force the Church to buy the kind of insurance that leads to the taking of innocent human life. Your vote will affect the future and be recorded in eternity. Will you vote the values that will stand the test of fire? This is Mike Huckabee asking you to join me November 6th and vote based on values that will stand the test of fire.”

I have a test for you, Mike, try pulling your head out of your ass.

Favorite Tweet:

Even though it's probably just Christie's attempt to distance himself from Mittsy--whom he knows will lose the election--and set himself up for a run in 2016, where he will be defeated by Hillary Clinton.

Oh yeah, another GOPer, family values politician getting caught with his pants down.

Arizona's attorney general, Tom Horne, caused more than $1,000 worth of damage when he side-swiped a car in a parking garage and then drove off, in order, according to FBI agents, to conceal an affair he was having with his passenger.

Who is not his wife.

Phoenix police records include detailed witness accounts by FBI agents who were following Horne as part of a campaign finance investigation.

So, when he cheats, he cheats all over the place.

The FBI says they watched him back his borrowed vehicle into a white Range Rover in the parking garage of a Phoenix residential complex. Then, Horne and the woman—identified as Carmen Chenal, who works for Horne—drove away.

Horne, trying to side-swipe the revelation of his affair with Chenal, first acknowledged the incident, but says he did not know there was any damage to the other vehicle.

Or, ahem, his marriage.

He maintains that the allegations that he didn't leave a note for the other driver in order to conceal an extramarital affair are "completely baseless": "If I thought there was damage, why wouldn't I have left a note? It's no big deal for me to pay somebody $1,000."

But, FBI reports say Horne had no way to know if the other vehicle was damaged because after the accident he and his passenger sat in their vehicle for about 10 seconds and then drove off.

Now Horne is pissy because he doesn’t know why the FBI is tailing him.

Or he’s pissy because he left the scene of an accident.

Or he’s pissy because he got caught schtupping the help.

Any way you look at it, Arizona really knows how to elect ‘em.

Horne. Jan Brewer.

Way to Go, AZ!

Douchebag Tweet:

Ronald McDonald Trump.

Anything to get his name in print.

Even if he has to look like an asshat to do it.

Oh Paulie!

Did you learn nothing from SoupKitchenGate, when you were nailed at a fake photo op, washing dishes that had already been washed, in an effort to make yourself appear human?

Apparently not, because Lyin’ Paul Ryan and his people have done it again.

At the scene of Ryan’s "storm relief" event in Wisconsin yesterday, where goods bound for victims of Hurricane Sandy were being loaded onto trucks, the packing was proceeding too quickly.

So, those supporters, wearing red "Team Wisconsin" t-shirts, were ordered to slow down and then to stop, so that some of the goods would still be there when Ryan arrived and he could be photographed “helping.”

See, the priority for the Romney-Ryan team isn’t about “helping” it’s about being “seen” helping.

Typical Mittsy/Lyin’ bull shiz.

Oh, and here's Michele Bachmann, being laughed at during a debate. She is on the verge of losing her Congressional seat and just might be trying out a new career as a comedian.