I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

It looks like The COVID-19 Break-up is still a thing; you know, where couples end their marriages and relationships because of lockdown and the idea that they really don’t care for each other. Or maybe the idea that you just want some other dick.

Last week Zoe Kravitz filed for divorce from Karl Glusman after four years together, and eighteen months married. They had a dream wedding in Paris, at her dad, Lenny Kravitz’, luxurious apartment and seemed like a lovely couple. But Zoe, like her mother Lisa Bonet, has that kind of wild-child, flower-child free-spirited thing going on and, well, yeah, maybe wanted another dick, because as soon as the split was announced came news that Zoe was having a thang with Channing Tatum.

To be fair, as soon as that story broke, both sides issued denials which, you know, means nothing. I was kinda hoping they would become a couple, oh not because I like Zoe, though I do, and not because I adore Channing’s exceptionally fine ass, though I do, but because of the holidays.

Picture it … Thanksgiving Dinner at Zoe’s … with Channing Tatum, Lenny Kravitz and Jason Momoa.

The thirst is real.

photo

More Hilarious Baldwin stories? Okay! She is the Christmas Gift that keeps on giving, and the latest present from this wacknut—who blames the media  for her fake Spanish accent—is about the time Hilaria Hillary was confused about how to write her own name on a tax document.

You see, when it was time to put her Juanita Hancock on her 2009 W-4 document, Hilaria Hillary—who had spent 10 years pretending to be a Spanish-speaking native of Mallorca—wrote down two names, crossed them out, and finally wrote “Hillary L. Hayward-Thomas.”

The document is real, and is an exhibit in an old lawsuit against her Yoga Vida studio, and funnily enough, the court records also contain the code of conduct for the Hilarious’ studio instructors about honesty:

“Truth is defined to be when thoughts and words correspond directly to facts.”

Who wrote that? Hilaria or Hillary?

To be fair, she had to sign the document ‘Hillary’ because that is her real name and if she’d signed Hilaria, she would have been committing perjury,

It’s Hilarious. And kinda sad.

photo

Rumors are flying …again …  that Kim Kardastrophe West and Kanye Kardastrophe West are “essentially over” and living separate lives in California and Wyoming, and …

Oh, who really cares? This was a match made in media-whore heaven and we all knew it wouldn’t last.

PS Kimmy’s still wearing her wedding ring because she’s probably saving the announcement for a Very Special Keeping Up With The Kardastrophes. I mean, it’ll be good for ratings, right?

photo

It’s been a  rough week for Meghan “My Father is John” McCain. It was her first week back at The View after having  a baby and she was smacked down twice by Joy Behar and Whoopi Goldberg.

On Day One of The Return, Meghan got pissy with Joy’s opinion, and began interrupting her, as usual. Joy, who was talking about GOP infighting, was not having it, and after Meghan shrieked about there being as much fighting within the Democratic party, she added:

“Joy, you missed me so much when I was on maternity leave. You missed fighting with me.” 

And Joy snapped back:

“I did not. I did not miss you. Zero.”

Meghan began pouting about Joy being nasty because she was just teasing, but we all know Meghan doesn’t tease; she has the sense of humor of _____.

Then, on Day Three of The Return, when The View started and the hosts were onscreen at the same time, Meghan glared at the camera, unsmiling and bitter like a Republican just realizing that they lost the White House, the House, the Senate, and any semblance of being a viable national political party.

And when newly elected Democratic Senator from Georgia, Raphael Warnock, was on to discuss his historic—and Jon Ossoff’s historic—win, Meghan, like a Rabid ReTHUG with a bone, kept asking Warnock if he would join Democratic Joe Manchin in rejecting a bunch of progressive political actions … like a better minimum wage, or a Green New Deal … climate change. But Warnock wasn’t having Meghan’s childishness and simply responded that he would work for the people of Georgia on healthcare and a living wage, and so Meghan kept repeating and repeating and repeating and repeating and repeating her question until Whoopi was done; she clapped her hands and shouted:

“HEY! Listen! We are going to say thanks to the Senator-elect Reverend Raphael Warnock.”

To be fair, this was the day after Meghan was pushing traitorous Senator Josh Hawley, who would, later in the day, be an inciter of the chaos at the Capitol, and be seen outside the building raising a fist in the air to the protesters, as the best GOP candidate for president in 2024.

Joy clapped at her,

Whoopi smacked her down.

She promoted a traitor for president,

Not a good first week, eh?

photo

Speaking of Rightwingnuts, howsabout 90s TV Hercules, Kevin Sorbo?

Sorbo is a very vocal _____ supporter, and, of course, a COVID denier, and is now one of the lunatics who swears that the mob who stormed the Capito;, after leaving _____;s Insurrection Rally moments earlier, were, in fact, not _____ supporters, but left-wing “Antifa” members in right-wing MAGAt cosplay, attempting to instigate violence and make _____’s supporters look bad… like that’s possible.

That theory has been dispelled because most of those MAGAt idiots were dumb enough to post repeatedly on Facebook about the protest and the riot and where to meet up to discuss who got to wear what costumes. Still, Sorbo took to Twitter to say:

“ANTIFA led the charge into the capitol building dressed as Trump supporters. To all the people who actually believe that it was Trump supporters who started the riot today: Where was antifa and BLM to counter? They show up to every single event, so why not this one?”

Well, antifa and BLM knew to stay away because they knew what a shitshow this would be. But still, Kevin persisted, and so it took Xena: Princess Warrior AKA Lucy Lawless, to put Hercules in his place by Tweeting:

“No, Peanut. They are not Patriots. They are your flying monkeys, homegrown terrorists, QAnon actors. They are the douchebags that go out and do the evil bidding of people like you who like to wind them up like toys and let them do their worst.”

Yes, Xena took down Hercules, though it wasn’t a fair fight really, because how can Sorbo use a sword with one hand whilst keeping a tinfoil hat on his head at the same time?

photo

I Ain't One To Gossip, But ....

Well, someone finally said … well, at least someone kinda famous said it: Tommy Cruise is short.

Lee Child, the author of the Jack Reacher novels just announced that Tom is too much of a Tiny Tom to play the title character again.

Reacher is described in the books as being almost six-and-a-half feet tall, with hands the size of dinner plates and Tom stands about five-foot-seven soaking wet with lifts in his shoes and hands the size of _____ hands. And Child says:

“Cruise, for all his talent, didn’t have that physicality. I really enjoyed working with Cruise. He’s a really, really nice guy … but ultimately the readers are right. The size of Reacher is really, really important and it’s a big component of who he is. The idea is that when Reacher walks into a room, you’re all a little nervous just for that first minute. And Cruise, for all his talent, didn’t have that physicality.”

Lee adds that maybe if they reboot the Wizard of Oz Cruise could have a shot as the Mayor of Munchkin City.

Or maybe I said that.

photo

I do love shade, and actress Zoë Kravitz is my new Shadestress.

On an episode Watch What Happens Live to promote Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindewald a caller asked Zoë about her appearance in Lily Allen’s memoir My Thoughts Exactly in which Lily claimed she and Zoë partied one night in 2014 and ended up kissing; when the caller asked Zoë if she was warned by Lily about that story, Zoë Mariah Carey’d Lily by saying:

“Who’s Lily Allen?”

And then Zoë told her side of the kissing story:

“If by ‘kissing’ she means, like, attacking, then yes, she kissed me. She attacked me.”

Zoë then said it was portrayed in the book like she wanted Lily to kiss her and that wasn’t the case; and when Andy Cohen asked Zoë if she read Lily’s book, she said—and I love it:

“I don’t think anybody read the book.”

It.Was.Deliciously.Shady.

photo

According to multiple sources—Kellyanne, Huckleberry and Junior—_____’s favorite child, and Girlfriend-In-His-Head, Ivanka, and the third Missus _____ do not get along. And the drama ALLEGEDLY stems from who was going to get to take that fashion trip to Africa first.

Y’all recall that last month, Melanie took a solo trip to Africa to parade various outfits around the pyramids and small children. But when Melanie’s handlers presented the idea of the Africa trip months earlier, Ivanka’s minions informed them that the First Lady Daughter was planning her own trip, but just hadn’t announced it yet. And so Melanie said:

“I don’t care. I need to get away from Orange Baboon so I go now,”

And off she went, leaving Ivanka , her Chief Minion and Baggage Handler, Jared, and their Lapdog, Miss PittyPatFlippetyFlop Lindsey Graham to plan their own trip sometime next year where Ivanka will model clothes, Jared will play mute, and Miss Lindsey will try on Ivanka’s Manolos.

photo

It looks like Kardastrophe-adjacent Blac Chyna may just see less coins  now that Rob Kardastrophe is trying to pay less child support for their daughter, Kream …Dream.

After months of fighting over payments, Rob filed papers demanding that the20K he pays a month to Chyna be reduced because he “can no longer afford these orders” since, wait for it, Chyna filed domestic violence claims against him. Rob says.

“I have not participated in the filming of any episodes [of KUWTK] since this summer when [Chyna] filed a request for a restraining order against me. Her request was widely publicized and I was scrutinized by the media … It has been an extraordinarily difficult time for me emotionally and I have no desire to continue participating in the reality show. I would like to maintain my privacy, try to recover from the emotional damage of the past several months, and explore other business ventures.”

Wait; your Baby Mama says you’re violent, so you stop filming your reality show and then cry poor, so you can pay her even less? Bitch, please.

photo

And so now Blac Chyna and Rob Kardastrophe’s child support fight is headed into Round Three.

It seems Rob wants to pay less money to his baby and Baby Mama because he’s broke; oh, not broke like eating mayonnaise sandwiches without the bread broke, but broke as in even Kourtney has more money than Rob. Court documents show that when during the breakup with Chyna, Rob was forced to sell his lucrative—that makes me giggle just typing–sock line to That Woman.  

Yup, Mama bought the socks and now Rob is claiming poverty and even had to move back into the Koven with her.

And of course, That Woman confirmed all of this because it makes her look good to make her son look like a failure:

“I helped Robert with his sock line business, Arthur George. I infused the business with capital, purchased goods, and set up distribution and fulfillment centers amongst other tasks. In exchange for the work I did and the money I put in, I acquired 50% interest in the business.”

He cannot film his fake show and he cannot sell socks and he’s moved back in with the Devil who bought his business. And I think she got his soul, too.

photo

I love me some Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and am a particular fan of the spectacular Lisa Vanderpump.

Well, ALLEGEDLY there has been some tension this upcoming season between LVP and the other “wives,” and rumor has it she may be leaving the show. Vanderpump has been absent during much of the filming for the upcoming season—she did suffer a death in the family—and some say it’s because there was some spat involving Dorit Kemsley—whom I loathe—and a dog adopted from Lisa’s organization, VanderPups,  and later returned.

Bravo, knowing she is a fan favorite, is staying mum, saying only:

“Lisa will appear in the majority of episodes this season. She has not been filming at every event, but fans can expect to see her throughout. The show will return to Bravo in early 2019.”

But another source—and it could be Brandi Glanville stirring her witches’ cauldron—says:

“Lisa has only filmed on a few occasions during the beginning of filming this season and has been absent the remainder of the time. She has been refusing to film and … her interactions with the ladies have been solely negative. Lisa has still not returned to filming and as of now has no plan to. It’s too far gone, and Lisa agrees that she shouldn’t return at this point.”

I’m’a just say it, if she goes, I go, because I will be VanderBummed.

photo

For the past ten years, Gwyneth Paltrow has run a multi-million-dollar business saying thousand dollar t-shirts and vaginal eggs to gullible rich women with too much time on their hands and no limit on their AMEX.

But Gwynnie wants y’all to know show she struggled, struggled, to find investors for GOOP because no one wanted anything to do with her special brand of crazy because … wait for it …it’s as precious as anything she sells … she was too famous.

Seriously; she wants people to think that if she was Missus Betty Paltrow from Iowa who came up with an idea to sell shady medical cures and cheap threads jacked-up in price, investors would be clamoring for a piece of the pie, but because she’s an Oscar winner—having won the Oscar Harvey Weinstein bought for her—no one would help.

Siddown, snake-oil salesperson.

photo