The Funny Papers

Bill Day, Darrin Bell, Kevin Siers, Joe Heller, David Fitzsimmons, Ed Hall, Nick Anderson, Bill Bramhall, Jack Ohman, Clay Bennett

Bobservations

Well, this isn’t so much about Carlos this week, although in the vein of being fully transparent, it’s been a rough week for us at Casa Bob y Carlos, with tempers flaring and feelings hurt. And by a “week” I mean a day and a half because, though we rarely fight, when we do, it’s said and done and over rather quickly, and then we move on.

Still, as I said, this is about me; I’m a faller, in that I’m clumsy and I fall down, not a lot, but when I do …

Years back, living in Miami, I was taking our dog for a walk; we lived in a gated community, so the streets were safe and quiet. As I was returning home, and crossing the street in front of our house, I checked both ways …no cars, no people. I crossed, and in the middle of the road I stepped on a pebble …an actual pea-sized pebble, and down to the ground I went. Then, as I started to stand up, I noticed there were now three cars in the road, all stopping to see the oaf in the road, as well as several groupings of neighbors who’d appeared out of nowhere.

Cut to Smallville … I needed something from the garage, so I stepped down the two steps into the garage, got what I needed, and as I started back into the kitchen, I clearly forgot we had two steps, and hit the bottom one and started to fall through the open doorway. It was all very slo-mo, and I distinctly remember, as I was falling, the one thought that came into my head … God that kitchen floor is ugly.

And now this week, we had a couple of cold night, so I was bundled up in bed, with Tuxedo sleeping on my side as he likes to do. I wanted to turn over and so I gently nudged him off me, apologized for disturbing him, and turned over; but when I reached for my pillow, it wasn’t there. It must have fallen to the floor, so, eyes closed because, in addition to being a faller, I’m an idiot, I reached down to get my pillow not realizing I was lying right on the edge, and fell out of bed, dropping the three feet to the floor.

No harm, no foul, but it did wake Carlos—though how that happened I don’t know because the man sleeps through hurricanes—and he asked what happened and if I was okay. Luckily, I had just bruised my ego and as I got back into bed and was about to doze off, and just as Tuxedo perched himself on my back again, Carlos muttered sleepily:

“Should I get you a crib?”

I was too embarrassed to kill him.

Rightwingnut Brazilian President Jair Bolsonaro—which I believe is Spanish for Donald ____—said he believes that the crimes of the Holocaust can be forgiven, though not forgotten.

More than six million dead, but let’s forgive? Can we also forget that earlier this month, Bolsonaro visited the Holocaust memorial in Jerusalem alongside Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu and called Nazism a leftist ideology? Can we forget that, in 1998, as federal deputy in Brazil’s Congress, Bolsonaro defended students at a military school in Porto Alegre who voted for Adolf Hitler, among other figures, as the historic character they admired the most?

No, we can forget; and we won’t forgive.

Jessy Taylor, an Instagram “influencer”—whatever that means—with more than 100,000 followers, had her account reinstated by the site a week after it was removed in error after it kept getting reported as spam.

Taylor complained, with a straight face I imagine, that losing her account felt like “a murder” and because that’s how it felt, she reported the closure of her account to the police who told her she couldn’t compare what happened to a homicide.

Someone needs to lay hands on this girl, because this is a direct quote from Jessy Taylor:

“I’m nothing without my following.”

Oh honey, I have news for you …

And as if we needed proof that Republicans are dumb—some, to be fair, not all—let’s listen to Congressman Thomas Massie questioning John Kerry’s credentials, specifically his college degree, a Bachelor of Arts in Political Science.

Thomas Massie: “It sounds like you’re questioning the credentials of the president’s advisers currently, but I think we should question your credentials today. Isn’t it true you have a science degree from Yale?”

John Kerry: “Bachelor of Arts degree.”

Massie: “Is it a political science degree?”

Kerry: “Yes, political science.”

Massie: “So, how do you get a Bachelor of Arts in a science?”

Kerry: “Well, it’s a liberal arts education and degree … it’s a Bachelor—”

Massie: “OK, so it’s not really science. So, I think it’s somewhat appropriate that someone with a pseudoscience degree is here pushing pseudoscience in front of our committee today.”

Kerry, after a long pause: “Are you serious? I mean, this is really a serious happening here?”

It is, because Thomas Massie thinks a Bachelor of Arts in Political Science is some kind of scientific degree. And Thomas Massie is an elected official, y’all.

The fire that destroyed the roof and at least one spire of Notre Dame is out now, but embers of stupidity linger on …

As messages of support and donations to rebuild the iconic structure—nearly a billion dollars pledged so far—came in, our president sent out that Tweet:

“So horrible to watch the massive fire at Notre Dame Cathedral in Paris. Perhaps flying water tankers could be used to put it out. Must act quickly!”

In response, the official Twitter account of the Sécurité Civile—the French equivalent of FEMA—responded:

“Hundreds of firemen of the Paris Fire Brigade are doing everything they can to bring the terrible #NotreDame fire under control. All means are being used, except for water-bombing aircrafts. which, if used, could lead to the collapse of the entire structure of the cathedral.”

American Twitterers also responded, reminding the world, and _____, of his own idiotic responses to devastating fires in California—“Rake the forest”—and his failure to even mention the recent arsonist attacks on three black churches in Louisiana.

Luckily, a real President tweeted his thoughts; Barack Obama said:

“Notre Dame is one of the world’s great treasures, and we’re thinking of the people of France in your time of grief. It’s in our nature to mourn when we see history lost—but it’s also in our nature to rebuild for tomorrow, as strong as we can.”

And then Presidential hopeful, Pete Buttigieg offered his thoughts to the French people, by speaking French:

“Au peuple de France je voudrais dire que la cathédrale Notre Dame, c’était comme un cadeau à l’espèce humaine. Nous partageons la douleur mais nous vous remercions aussi de ce cadeau à la civilisation.”

"To the people of France, I would like to say that Notre-Dame Cathedral was like a gift to the human race. We share the pain, but we also thank you for this gift to civilization."

But hey, water tankers, you know, and thoughts and prayers.

Last week, _____ took on freshman Congresswoman Ilhan Omar over a couple of words in a much longer statement about 9/11; _____ tried to paint Omar as anti-American, and in doing so fanned the flames of his base, when then sent death threats to Omar and her family.

On the upside, though, and perhaps a sign of the times, in the days following _____’s hate speech, Omar raised some $832,000, most of it—$415,000—coming from people who gave less than $200.

People are growing tired of _____’s divisive hate speech … well, except for his racist base.

Remember disgraced former GOP Congressman Aaron Schock? Of the turquoise belt and the Downton Abbey office remodel?

Well, he apparently spent the weekend at Coachella partying with a bunch of hot shirtless gay men, and was ALLEGEDLY intimate with at least one; but here’s the rub … and not the kind of rub that most gay men might want.

While serving as the Illinois Representative, Schock’s voting record was decidedly anti-LGBTQ … he voted against adding ‘sexual orientation, gender identity, gender and disability’ to the federal hate crime protection groups, against the repeal of ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell,’ and for the Defense of Marriage Act, which defined marriage as between a man and a woman.

If he’s gay, he’s the worst kind of closeted, hypocritical, sell my community down the river, self-loathing kind of gay. So, when you finally come out Aaron, please note that many of us will remember your hate, for yourself and our community.

Speaking of hateful gays, it looks like Empire actor, and hate crime faker, Jussie Smollett is no longer under consideration for a role in the upcoming Broadway revival of Richard Greenberg’s 2003 play, Take Me Out, about a closeted baseball player.

The Daily Mail reported that producers were ready to announce the casting of Smollett and Zachary Quinto but plans changed following the late January incident in which Smollett ALLEGEDLY faked being attacked in a hate crime.

Again, we know Jussie lied because he said it was two white men; he said he could see the skin around their eyes in the masks they wore. But we also know it was two black men—ALLEGEDLY hired by Smollett-who actually beat him up.

So, Jussie …sorry, not sorry. Until you take responsibility for your actions and explain why two men who knew you attacked you, to me your career is over.

Bye Felicia,

Oh dear … Benjamin Poirier … model, dancer.

The body; the ass; the way he sits nekkid around the house, or perks up a window sill. The dance!

Uh huh.

Tuesday Thought #1

Resignation At Notre Dame

Following the outcry over a cartoon in the school paper, Kara King, the assistant managing editor of the University of Notre Dame’s Observer newspaper, resigned.

The cartoon strip has been canceled as well.

King resigned in a letter published in the paper Monday, in which she said:

To The Observer community,

I am writing to apologize for my actions, which led to the inexcusable publication of a “Mobile Party” comic strip on Jan. 13. This strip was offensive and inappropriate beyond measure, and printing it perpetuated a message of intolerance, discrimination and hate.

A miscommunication between another editor and myself led to the comic running without me first reading and approving the material. Regardless, no excuse can justify the comic even being considered for publication, and the duty to censor it fell to me. I failed to do so, and am solely responsible for providing a forum for this message of hate. I was the final one to check the paper that night, and am accountable for all of its content. I regret nothing more than the oversight that led to it and apologize for disgracing the paper with its printing. The comic does not reflect my views or those of The Observer in any way, and I cannot begin to quantify the humiliation in knowing that it is, ultimately, my fault.

To those whom my actions have offended, I’m sorry. I failed as both an editor and member of the Notre Dame community by allowing this strip to print. I cannot take my inaction back, but I can hope that some good will come from this. More than ever, we as a University need to fight against stereotypes and for the equal rights of all who consider our campus and community home. If nothing else, the administration needs to use this instance to acknowledge that discrimination against the LGBT community is a very real problem, and one that should not be tolerated. Adding sexuality to the non-discrimination clause and recognizing student groups who fight for these equal rights is overdue, and excuses for not doing so have been used for too long. This is not a problem that can be solved overnight, but the University can join The Observer in taking the first steps towards remedying it.

I have worked for The Observer for my entire undergraduate career and nothing embarrasses me more than to be the cause of such a negative spotlight for a product that I take great pride in helping produce. A daily paper requires the dedication of its staff and the competency of its editors. Everyone who works there understands the pressures, and has sacrificed schoolwork, sleep and sanity to ensure a paper is delivered every day.

Those with final say on what is printed need to be held accountable for their actions. As Assistant Managing Editor, I have failed in my duties to protect the quality and uphold the standards of The Observer, and because of this I am resigning the position, effective immediately. I understand the severity of my actions, and need to take responsibility for them. I would like to thank Shirley Grauel, our office manager, for preventing the paper from imploding and wish her the best of luck in her retirement, and the entire Editorial Board for allowing me the experience thus far. It has been an honor working with you and you have all taught me more in my four years than I ever could have learned in a classroom. I wish everyone on staff the best of luck in regaining the readers’ trust that I have violated.

Kara King

If you remember, the offending antigay editorial cartoon called a baseball bat the “quickest way to turn a fruit into a vegetable.”

Disgusting

And Prop H8 lawyers argue that there isn't any LGBT discrimination these days.

In the Notre Dame student paper, this cartoon:

'What’s the easiest way to turn a fruit into a vegetable?'

'No idea.'

'A baseball bat.'

Yeah, nothing to fear there.

Newt Newt Newt

Way back in January 2005, Newt Gingrich was set to deliver a speech at Catholic University, and a group of students rose up in protest, accusing the twice-divorced, admitted philanderer of violating the Catholic values upon which their school was founded.

Fast forward to March 24, 2009. Newt Gingrich blasts Notre Dame for inviting President Obama to give the commencement address, saying, “It is sad to see Notre Dame invite President Obama to give the commencement address since his policies are so anti-Catholic values.”

What gives, Newt?

Oh wait, here's what gives: on March 26, 2009, Newt Gingrich, the three-times-married adulterer, converted to Catholicism because wife three is Catholic. The ceremony wasn't given a lot of press because, well, how would it look, really? The man who tried to impeach President Clinton over a blow job, all the while cheating on his own wife? A man whom students protested against at a Catholic school, now doing the same thing against the president?

Let he who is without sin, Newt....yada yada yada.

Oh, but the new Newt is without sin, now.

Apparently, leading Catholic conservatives like Deal Hudson are thrilled to welcome Newt into the flock. Hudson, the most important Catholic political adviser to President Bush and Karl Rove, feels Gingrich’s conversion represents more than an effort to please the latest Mrs. Gingrich.

“From a Catholic point of view,” Hudson says, “Newt’s sins no longer exist—they’ve been absolved. He’s made a fresh start in life. So Newt will continue to sin and confess but there aren’t going to be a lot of Catholics who will hold that against him. They understand why being a Catholic makes a difference.”

Of course, Hudson knows whereof he speaks.

Although raised Southern Baptist, Hudson converted to Catholicism at age 34; he received his first communion and promptly had his first marriage annulled. He divorced wife # 2 four years later. After his conversion, Hudson began teaching philosophy at Fordham University. And like Newt, with marriages and divorces and infidelities, Hudson had his own issues.

In 1994, after a night of drinking at a West Village pub, during which he allegedly made out with two female students and took “body shots” with them, Hudson brought a drunk 18-year-old student named Cara Poppas back to his office and compelled her to perform oral sex on him. Poppas informed school authorities about the incident and Hudson resigned. Two years later he settled a sexual-harassment lawsuit out of court with Poppas for $30,000.

So, Hudson thinks Newt worthy of being cleansed of sin, worthy of being president, because his sins are erased? Well, Deal Hudson, those sins are not erased from the minds of people who don't vote hypocrisy; those sins aren't erased by the very people you castigate on a daily basis for doing the same things you've done, and do..

I have three words for Deal Hudson and Newt Gingrich: Pot. Kettle. Black.

Remember 'em; because I will.