It's Snarkurday!

The E! channel; what a mess.

Less than a week ago, Suzie Hardy went public with her claim that Ryan Seacrest Harvey Weinstein’d—yes, it’s a verb now—her over the course of several years while she worked for him. Seacrest denied it and his lawyers claim Hardy is in it for the extortion coins, but … she never asked for money, and she first went to Seacrest’s bosses at E! to handle it quietly. She only made her story public when E! covered Seacrest’s ass.

Well, this led to a series of “crisis meetings” between Seacrest and E! on how to handle the E! Oscar Red Carpet show, and this is how they’ll work it out. Rob Silverstein, executive producer of the syndicated entertainment-news show “Access” will prep his hosts Scott Evans and Kit Hoover to ask the celebrities about the #MeToo movement and the politics surrounding it …

“And then, we will ask them whether or not they will talk to Ryan Seacrest.”

So, basically E! is still covering Ryan’s ass and not letting celebrities who have issues with men like Seacrest to speak to him?

But this is how E! rolls; remember one of their hosts, Catt Sadler, quit the network after they refused to pay her as much, or commensurate to, Jason Kennedy, so covering Seacrest’s ass.

And then this… Aileen Gram Moreno, veteran female producer on E!’s red carpet programming, claims she was fired after she “allowed” celebrities like Debra Messing, Eva Longoria and others to trash E! on the Golden Globes red carpet show about the Catt Sadler situation.

E! If you’re a woman, you’re paid less; if you’re a man, rub your little dick on a woman and stand on the red carpet.

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Looks like Tori Spelling and Dean McDermott are angling for a new realty show: Tori and Dean: Domestically Violent.

See, police were called twice to Tori and Dean’s house last week for two domestic incidents within 24 hours.

The first involved Tori mistaking Dean for a burglar as he came home late one night; so, she called the police. The second incident was just a few hours later but it seems that Tori had some kind of a “mental breakdown” as Dean told 911; it was later classified as a domestic violence incident and Tori was not arrested and, according to police, “didn’t meet the criteria to be held for mental evaluation.”

So, Dean came home late and Tori called police saying he was a thief in her house, and hours later Dean calls police to say his wife was very aggressive and going through some sort of mental breakdown.

I smell a reality show.

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Well, as it turns out, the Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux splitting story was a blip on the news cycle; oh, don’t get me wrong, they split, but it was news for a day and then it was fish wrap. So, how do the tabloids keep this story alive since people don’t really care about Poor Jen, Alone Again stories?

Dog custody. Yup; it seems like the once ALLEGEDLY happy couple are mostly fighting about their dogs and who gets them and when. Between them, the exes have four dogs: Dolly, a white shepherd mix, Clyde, a terrier, and Sophie, a pit bull mix, in LA, and Justin’s pit bull he keeps in NYC.

A source—and it’s probably Courtney Cox because what else has she got going on—says:

“They’ve always referred to them as their children, and it looks like Jen will keep the LA dogs with her and Justin will keep the pit bull in NYC. But it was the biggest bone of contention in the split. They’ve made an arrangement for visitation.”

Seriously. Dog custody is news?

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Lotsa folks think NBC is quietly erasing part of their deal with Megyn Kelly; the part that deals with her having a Sunday prime-time NBC News show.

Since her morning show is such a bust, it’s safe to assume America doesn’t wanna see her at night, so NBC will air Sunday Night With Megyn Kelly “periodically” this spring and summer. Meaning you probably won’t see it at all. Last summer, the news magazine was scheduled for a 10-week run but scrapped after a sharp drop in the ratings.

Poor NBC, they shelled out big bucks for Kelly and she’s barely worth nickels for the dollars they spent, and then add in the Matt Lauer mess and they are bleeding coins.

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This is a cute story … Gus Kenworthy and his boyfriend Matthew Wilkas went to an Oscar event and ran into Ricky Martin—hot again thanks to American Crime Story: The Assassination of Gianni Versace—and his husband, Jwan Yosef. The four chatted a bit and then were separated in the crowds so Gus took out a Craigslist ‘Missed Connection’ ad that went like this:

“Living La Vida Lonely - m4m (LA, California)

Us: We were wearing black Ralph Lauren tuxedos, mine had little cowboys on it. You: You were also both wearing tuxedos because... well, because it was the Oscar's and everybody does. You and your husband stood out though. Partly because you're both gorgeous but also because you're literally @ricky_martin & @jwanyosef. The four of us chatted and laughed but then, sadly, got separated in the chaos of the Oscar's. My bf and I searched for you both for the rest of the night but never found you again. In town for a week. Let's connect."

And then this week, when Ricky Martin was on The Talk, Julie Chen read Gus’ ad to Ricky, who seemed more than willing to hook-up meet:

“Of course we’re going to connect! I mean, he’s a national hero. Give me a break. Are we flattered? Yes, we’re flattered.”

And then Gus Tweeted:

*clears schedule for the rest of the week*

I think Ricky’s getting the better deal; Gus is totally adorable and so it his boyfriend.

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The divorce is final, so what can Mel B do to keep herself in the news now?

Fight over visitation rights … Mel B claims her ex-husband Stephen Belafonte showed her three daughters—Phoenix, her daughter with Jimmy Gulzar; Angel, her daughter with Eddie Murphy; and Madison, their daughter—videos of ISIS beheading individuals:

“When I was not present, Stephen thought it was funny or educational (I still do not know) to play videos of ISIS beheading individuals. This was entirely inappropriate for such young girls, who do not understand what is happening in the videos. Angel has repeatedly told me about these videos and that she was scared and frightened that Stephen would expose her to such gruesome images.”

Mel wants to end Stephen’s visitation with Angel and says he has ALLEGEDLY been trying to get in touch with her by slipping his phone number into a teddy bear he told Madison to give to her. But, he ALLEGEDLY wants no contact with Phoenix, who says he played a video of ISIS beheading men during her 16th birthday trip. Phoenix said in a declaration:

“I never bonded with Stephen because he would call me names such as: ‘retarded’ and ‘stupid.’ He would do things which upset me … He would be very aggressive with Angel and Maddie if they broke the ‘rules,’ like talking when he was on the phone. He would just yell really up close to them.”

Okay, I get it, but why does Belafonte get any visitation with two of the kids who aren’t even his? And why does Mel B always pick jerks to get her pregnant?

Back in the day, when she says Eddie Murphy knocked her up, he refused to recognize Angel as his own until there was a paternity test; and even after, Eddie was not much of a father, so Stephen took over. Now, however, Eddie is all #TeamMel in stopping Belafonte form seeing his daughter.

Like I said, Mel B’s life is, and was, and probably will always be, a mess.

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Oh, Beyoncé and Jay-Z are fun, right?

It seems they hosted an Oscar party and shockingly didn’t try to cash in on it even though they are all about the coins. But, no, but they decided to mess with their guest’s heads by keeping the details weird and vague.

A source—and it Beyoncé, let’s be clear—says the Carters “wanted to mind-fuck everyone and keep everything mysterious and exclusive” about their party, which was held in the garage …the garage … of the Chateau Marmont in L.A.

Close friends didn’t know ahead of time if they were even invited, but once they knew they were going to a party, Bey and Jay made their arrival difficult as hell. Guests were sent up a hill past the hotel, through the kitchen and down a back entrance to the garage. There were no photographers and no red carpet … nobody mentioned Beyoncé or Jay-Z by name, but instead referred to them as simply “the host and hostess.” There was no performance by either Carter, the group of 200 guests simply mingled and relaxed with no press.

Really? We’re to believe Beyoncé and Jay-Z held a party, kept their names out of it, and didn’t take the stage and pass the hat?

Apparently, they enjoyed their secret party so much they wanna do it again next year, clearly unaware that once you announce you’re gonna do another secret party it’s really no longer a secret.

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You knew Barbra Streisand would be pissed about the dog cloning story, right? Well, there’s that, too.

Streisand is annoyed with both Variety and The New York Times which ran features on her that didn’t exactly rise to Babs’ precise standards. The issues that irked her have all been corrected in the online versions, but Babs still put out a “New Truth Alert” on her website BarbraStreisand.com.

Streisand says Variety misquoted her and made it sound like she didn’t really want the role of Fanny Brice in Funny Girl! which is scandalous:

“I fought hard for that part! How could they make that mistake? I loved the character of Fanny Brice (they even misspelled her name Franny)”

Even worse:

“Also, they originally said I had an awards room. I have a den where if you look in the doorway, you don’t see any awards! They’re hidden in the corners.”

Damn you Variety. Still, their blunders are nothing compared to what The New York Times did when they ran a photo of Miss Violet and Miss Scarlet, the two clones of Barbra’s beloved Coton de Tulear Sammie in a feature titled Barbra Streisand Explains: Why I Cloned My Dog.

“P.S. Even though the New York Times didn’t change a word I wrote about my beloved Samantha, I was disappointed that they did change the picture I sent. It was cut in half in the actual Sunday paper (I guess for space purposes), but it destroyed the intent and specialness of the full picture that was shown online. The point is, my little girls were looking at their mother pictured on her tombstone! It’s an amazing photo, taken by my longtime and dear assistant, Renata.”

Yup, Babs is annoyed that the NYT cropped out the headstone shot of the cloned doggies “mother.”

Seriously.

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Last week we talked Heather Locklear’s latest arrest for beating up her boyfriend, and now there’s a bit more to the story … a gun.

It seems that police showed up at Heather’s house again with a search warrant to retrieve a gun because, if you remember, .as Heather was being arrested, she ALLEGEDLY struck three police officers and then told them:

“If you ever come back to my house I will shoot you.”

And so the police raided Heather’s home looking for a handgun that was registered in Heather’s name, and that she has owned since 1985, but they found no gun.

Luckily, for now, there is no threat of heather using that gun on anyone as she is currently in a medical treatment facility … again.

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It's Snarkurday!

Mel B and her soon-to-be ex-husband, Stephen Belafonte, were put on blast by an LA judge this week for “living beyond their means” ... like the fact that Mel B says she spends $9,000 a month on groceries and dining out, along with $1,300 on entertainment expenses, court documents show.

Judge Lawrence Riff says Mel B and Belafonte enjoyed a “high upper-class life” during their nearly 10-year marriage but that their expenses were not “entirely credible or reasonable.”

Ya think?  Mel claims her monthly expenses include $20,000 in “child care,” $5,000 in “groceries and household supplies” for a family of four, $4,493 for “eating out,” and $1,313 for “movies, shows, theme parks, etc.”

As for Belafonte, he claims to spend $2,300 a month on “groceries and household supplies,” $750 in cell phone expenses, $2,000 in clothes and $3,000 on “entertainment, gifts and vacation.” Riff says the pair should’ve kept their personal living expenses capped at $51,000 a month.

Fifty-one-thousand a month? How does a judge expect a family of six to live on $1700 a day? But wait, it gets better; on Friday, the judge ordered Mel B to pay Belafonte $40,000 per month in emergency spousal support and another $140,000 in legal fees. So he’ll have to get by on $1300 a day now that the Mel B Gravy Train has left the station.

Poor man.

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It was a little more than a week ago that Shia LaBeouf was arrested for being drunk and disorderly, and has-been boy bander Aaron Carter took to Twitter to mock Shia by saying he’s been a celebrity a lot longer and never been arrested.

Oops. Carter got into some serious trouble—in Georgia, too, just like Shia—after he was arrested for DUI and possession of weed and drug accessories.

And the drama is only beginning to grow ... like the fact that his mugshot makes him look less celebrated and more like the meth dealer who sells from a dumpster behind the Piggly Wiggly on Us 1 in Smallville.

Secondly, we have Aaron’s brother Nick, an expert in the art of mugshots after his own series of arrests, taking to Twitter to talk to his brother:

“To my brother: I love u no matter what & if u feel the need to reach for help, I am here and willing to help you get better.”

“Family isn't always easy, be we're all here for you.”

Aaron called out Nick for using his arrest “for his PR” instead of contacting him directly. But, according to Nick’s wife, Lauren, Nick would have called personally ... if he’d had his brother’s phone number.

Anyway, back to Aaron and the Excuses ... he claims that his arrest happened after he and his girlfriend stopped at an AutoZone to get a new tire for his car ... You know how that always leads to an arrest ... and he says he has a medical marijuana license for the weed ... because who doesn’t ... and finally Aaron believes he was “targeted” by the police because he is a ... wait for it ... celebrity.

And so now Aaron has threatened to sue the Habersham County cops who arrested him because he says they never saw him driving a car that night ... though he ALLEGEDLY refused a breathalyzer and urine test and says there was nothing in his system.

Still, I keep going back to that mugshot ... Just sayin’.

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I guess since he and his mistress have now come out in the open, Ben Affleck no longer needs Batman? Or Batman doesn’t need him?

Affleck‘s ties to the upcoming film The Batman are almost all gone ... starting with the fact that, after his first time in the cape fell flatter than his marriage, now it appears that the director of the upcoming second installment read the script that Ben wrote and scrawled “Pass” on it in red ink.

Yup, The Batman’s new director Matt Reeves revealed that he won’t be using the script Ben wrote and will, instead, be using a “new story” for his Batman movie. New as in without Affleck?

The only sad part of this story is that, in Ben’s script, now smoldering in a  trash can at Warner Brothers, Joe Manganiello was set to play Deathstroke, and so maybe we won’t see Joe’s Magnificent ass in tights any time soon.

Damn you, Ben Affleck, damn you.

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China gets a bad rap over a lot of things ... polluting the plant ... human rights violations ... the one-child policy ... but there are times when you gotta give ‘em a high five. See, this week China banned Justin Bieber for bad behavior.

Beijing's Culture Bureau responded to a fan's request asking why the Biebs' Purpose tour has scheduled dates in Japan, Indonesia, the Philippines, Singapore and Hong Kong but NOT China:

"Justin Bieber is a gifted singer, but he is also a controversial young foreign idol. As far as we are concerned, he has engaged in a series of bad behaviors, both in his social life and during a previous performance in China."

The bureau didn't give specifics but you may recall that back in 2013 Bieber was carried onto the Great Wall of China like royalty.

So, maybe it’s that or maybe it’s just that Bieber’s a spoiled little dick and China doesn’t want their kids getting any ideas.

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Back when Gwyneth Paltrow first started GOOP it was her attempt to train the peasants in better ways to live ... if they had $1500 for a t-shirt, or a doctor who would Stanley Steamer their vaginas.  But, over the years, GOOP has shifted from Advice For The Poverty Stricken From The Entitled Actress to straight up commerce.

And her advice ... like “earthing” AKA taking off your shoes and walking in the grass ... or the Paltrow Eight Day Goat Milk Only Cleanse Using GOOP Goat Milk ... and her push for women to slip a Jade Egg up their hoo-haws ... is causing at least one doctor to come for Gwynnie.

Many of GOOP’s latest medical recommendations have been refuted by actual doctors, and one of those, Dr. Jen Gunter, OBGYN, seems on a mission to discredit all things Paltrow.

Gunter has become a folk hero for the Anti-GOOP’s which really gets under Gwyneth’s thin skin ... as she showed recently when she devoted one of her GOOP letters to a Gunter Smackdown.

Paltrow, in that annoying condescending tone she uses, tried to explain that GOOP merely presents women with more information ... that costs ,,, and that GOOP’s critics aren’t merely trying to disseminate the correct medical information, they’re actually being “dismissive” of all of Gwyneth’s precious gurus and shamans.

Along with the editorial, Paltrow also published an editorial from Dr. Steven Gundry, who specifically addresses Gunter’s various takedowns, but seems more interested in the fact that Gunter uses the occasional f-bomb when talking GOOP. He also attacks her medical knowledge and is dismissive of the idea that Dr. Gunter might also be concerned about women’s health because, again, OBGYN.

Gunter responded:

“I must be affecting @goop's bottom line”

“Hey @GwynethPaltrow I give away my health info for free, you sure sell lots of stuff. Do you and your pals at @goop know about bias?”

Naturally, folks took Gunter's side and someone posted to the GOOP site:

“She made me laugh, a lot. But mostly I cheered for her, because she’s David and Goop is Goliath and Dr. Gunter is going to take that a–hole down.”

And I’d like a seat in the front row.

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This.Is.Rich.

Kim Kardastrophe is said to be “furious” over recent videos showing her partying hard; the video, taken when Kim was 23, comes on the heels of that "cocaine" picture she Instagrammed while on vacation ... "cocaine: that she later said was just candy.

A source—and clearly it’s Khloe who’s always been jealous—says:

“Kim feels incredibly humiliated by everything that has come out about her in these past couple of weeks. She’s in crisis mode.”

And so now That Woman is trying to do damage control in order to save Kim’s “career”.

I don’t know what’s funnier ... the idea that someone put the words “Kim Kardastrophe” and “career” in the same sentence, or that the woman who sold Kim’s sex-tape in order to make her daughter a “star”—and don’t get me started on that—is not trying to salvage her daughter’s reputation over another video.

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WWE wrestler John Cena shaves his balls. He also shaves his knuckles. And the crack of his ass.

Every. Day. He spends up to 30 minutes to an hour a day shaving.  And he’s perfectly comfortable sharing these details:

“I’m completely man-scaped from head to toe—from the ears down—so that takes a bit of time. I’m constantly trying to stay up on fine lines in my skin and that stuff, so I’m a lot more grooming-centric than you would realize. My routine is a lot more than you would think—I’d say it’s a strong 7 ½ out of 10.”

And, for what it’s worth, John, if you ever get too busy and need someone to take over the job ... call me.

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