It's Snarkurday!

Do not piss off Madonna; she holds a grudge longer than a mob boss. But, if you find that you have pissed off The Aging Diva she just might call you out in front of a packed arena.

Last week, during a concert in the Philippines, Madge shared a story of betrayal with the crowd:

“Once I had a Filipino trainer — this beautiful, beautiful girl. She was gorgeous and very talented as a trainer, but she f**ked my boyfriend, so I fired her.”

Now, the gorgeous trainer is no doubt Nicole Winhoffer, who worked with Madge for nearly five years before being put in a cement overcoat and sent to live with the fishes.

A source — and you know it’s Winhoffer — says Nicole helped Madonna launch eight branded gyms worldwide as creative director of Hard Candy Fitness but that she left Madonna of her own accord to be a businesswoman.

She is now the Global Ambassador for Stella McCartney’s line of Adidas workout gear and was once a backup dancer for Shakira.

Oh hell no. She went from being Madge’s personal bitch to dancing for Shakira? That’s worse than a Madge Hit … in both song and murder.

It appears that one needs hazard pay while working for Shonda Rhimes … ask Katherine Heigl, Patrick Dempsey and Isaiah Washington who were are ALLEGEDLY booted from a Rhimes’ show for making Mama mad. But now it appears the stars’ physical health is at risk and for that look no further than How To Get Away With Murder’s Viola Davis.

Viola ALLEGEDLY got hurt while shooting a Rhimes-written sex scene on HTGAWM with her on-screen man Nate, played by Billy Brown, and that she had to beg Shonda and the writers to tone it down while she recovered:

“I blew my back out. He threw me up against a wall. All I can say is I was totally committed to the scene. I just told them to slow it down for a minute. I’m going to get back into it. I have to. It’s Shondaland! You know, they’re gonna have me doing all kinds of stuff with all kinds of people.”

Um, Shonda? Honey? If you need a stand-in for Viola for those Billy Brown Sex Scenes, I’m available … no charge!

Is everyone losing millions? I mean, Kanye announced he was like fifty million in debt—though, to be fair, this was before checking Kim’s ass crack for coins—and now Oprah’s losing it, too!

According to CNBC, after a pike in stock prices for Weight Watchers when Oprah revealed that she eats bread, the stock has dropped some 20% in their fourth quarter revenue … meaning the Big O lost about $21 million.

Now, again to be fair, Winfrey has made about $75 million since investing in weight loss … again … and being that she’s Oprah and she can drop $21 million over breakfast at the Waffle House on waffles and sausages.

Sherri Shepherd just doesn’t learn.

Back story: she met a man and married him; he wanted a baby and so they found a surrogate; she paid all the expenses for the surrogate; just before the birth of that baby Sherri decided she didn’t want to be married; she divorced her husband and said the baby wasn’t hers; a judge disagreed but Sherri wanted nothing to do with it; a judge said, ‘Fine, but now, since you paid for everything else, you’ll pay child support for the child.’; Sherri went to court to get it overturned so she could save her coins.

Cut to today: a judge has ordered Sherri to keep those child support checks coming because a lower court in Pennsylvania court ruled that surrogacy contracts are binding.

As for Sherri’s relationship with the child she’s never seen him; the child she so desperately wanted that she opted for surrogacy when outer methods proved fruitless. The child she says she prayed to the Baby Jeebus to give her.

She.Hasn’t.Seen.Him.

PS Sherri’s a devout Christian, but she loves her money more than her child.

Trai Byers — or, as I call him, Trai Booty because, well, isn’t it obvious — ALLEGEDLY wants out off “Empire” because he’s a serious actor and not given enough to do or … maybe “Empire” wants Trai Byers gone because he might be a bit of a diva.

Trai ALLEGEDLY  threw a temper tantrum during filming a few weeks ago and howled, “I don’t get to do enough, I might leave.”

Producers called his bluff and said, “Fine, if you’re not happy, we don’t need you.”

But it isn’t just ‘Empire;’ Byers has also  fired all his reps for not getting him big movie roles.” He was ALLEGEDLY up for a new Muhammad Ali movie and when he didn’t get it, he fired his whole team from his manager on down to the Booty Masseur … and I needed that job!

Still, Fox says Byers is “not quitting nor is he being fired … for now.”

Ow.

“Little Richie” Rocco Ritchie’s custodial agreement blew up over Christmas after he’d been on tour with his mom, Madonna, for months and he just wanted time with his father, Guy Ritchie. He “ran away” to London and has been there ever since, refusing to return to New York for school and refusing to see his mom for Christmas.

A court date was set and it occurred this week, though without Rocco or Guy or Madge … just the attorneys and the judge who had little time for Madonna’s theatrics and Guy’s narcissism.

At the hearing both Madonna and Guy listened in on speaker-phone while the judge declared that Rocco will remain in London for the time being, living with his father and going to a school chosen by both Madonna and Ritchie.

And so Madge is trying to play the “Look! I’ve Changed” card; rather than bashing Guy to his son, or calling Ritchie a “c**t’ while performing onstage — she likes to air her dirty laundry in concert a lot these days — Madge is promising Rocco that things would be different … that she’ll be less strict and controlling. Uh huh. Madge less controlling? That’d be like Oprah quitting pastries.

Still, you gotta hand it to the judge who said this of Rocco’s parents:

“Frankly, both parties have chosen to live their lives in a very public way and may welcome the publicity, but the child has not. He would like this matter resolved and the issues concerning him and his family in the most private way possible.” 

That was right before Madge’s lawyer asked the judge to have Guy arrested for contempt of court.

Yeah … less controlling.

It's Snarkurday!

Cuba Gooding Jr is out and about promoting The People v OJ Simpson: American Crime Story. He’s good in it, but he looks nothing like OJ so I keep thinking: did Cuba Gooding Jr kill Nicole Brown Simpson?

But this isn’t about that; it’s about the impending $100 million lawsuit Cuba might be facing from Tiny Tom Cruise — with whom he worked in A Few Good Men and Jerry Maguire. You see, while talking up his new gig, someone had the nerve to ask Cuba about Tom Cruise and how his face hasn’t changed — though it seems to have turned to stone — and does Cuba think Tiny Tom went under the knife:

“Absolutely, yes!”

And cue lawsuit. But, wait, maybe Cuba has seen the actual evidence of a little Scientology Surgery on Tom:

"I don't know what he's had done, but I surprised him at his house one day and he had all these little red dots over his face. And I said, 'You alright?' and he said, 'I didn't know you were coming.' And I was like, 'I can see why!'"

A lawsuit and a hit put on him by Co$. Run, Cuba, run!

I love love and I love when people have been married for a while and then renew their vows and their commitment to one another, but … Daisy Fuentes and Richard Marx got married in Los Angeles last week, a mere 60 days from when they tied the knot the first time in Aspen in December.

Try hard much? Publicity seekers much? I see a St Patrick’s Day renewal coming up and maybe a July 4th reboot, too.

Beyoncé dropped her latest weave-whipping, gyrating, pelvic thrust “music” video over the weekend and already there are cried of plagiarism … like when she steals Michael Jackson’s drag for her Super Bowl performance, or rips off Britney Jean Spears’ — or some pole dancer’s — moves for her videos. But this time it’s documentary filmmakers Chris Black and Abteen Bagheri who say Beyoncé, um, lifted some scenes in her video directly from their 2013 film “That B.E.A.T.” and so Chris Black Tweeted:

“New Beyoncé video used hella clips from the doc I produced and directed by @abteem . . . but why!?!?”

And then said:

“I guess it’s flattering that people f - - k with the things you’ve created but also frustrating when they wanna use it like it’s theirs. The funny thing is that our doc is low key iconic so the audacity to rip and pass it off like we not gonna notice. You outta touch b!”

Naturally, Beyoncé released the Flying Monkeys, AKA her legal team, to say they had permission to use the documentary footage even though it appears no one bothered to tell the filmmakers that Beyoncé would be stealing from them. Well, except for Beyoncé’s director, Melina Matsoukas, who Tweeted back that she, um, yeah, had acquired the footage:

“Must give much love to the beautiful NOLA footage shot and directed by @abyewm and @lkeber to make #FORMATION whole.”

Look, Beyoncé is a hybrid of Brit and Michael and Janet and Willow Smith and a slew of pole dancers outta Vegas. Nothing new, nothing real. Nothing of her own.

I don’t know these people, but here goes … someone named  Ciara — real name Ciara Princess Harris — as filed a $15 million lawsuit against her former fiancé and current baby daddy, Future — real name Nayvadius DeMun Wilburn — for slander after he accused her of being a horrible mother to their 1-year-old son Future Zahir because Ciara allowed her current non-sexual life partner, Russell Wilson to be photographed pushing Little Future around in a stroller in  what he deems to be “publicity stunts.” He also went after Ciara on twitter, accusing her of taking $15,000 a month in child support while making him go though lawyers to see their son.

And so Ciara is responding to Future’s rant by coming for a lot more than $15,000 a month because she says she isn’t keeping Big Future from Little Future, and that she’s allowed some 19 visitations since December 2014, the most recent being last week. And she adds that Future — daddy, not son — is just stirring the pot to promote his flailing music career. 

She’s seeking, in addition to the coins, that Big Future erase all the nasty words he wrote about her on Twitter and wants him legally blocked from saying a word about her.

Keep Silent and Give Me More Coins.

A recent picture surfaced of Rocco Ritchie — spawn of Madonna and Guy … not some guy, but Guy Ritchie — smoking what may or may not have been a little joint at a skate park in London and Madonna is said to be using the picture to prove that Guy is Bad Daddy. She’s even hired a private investigator to follow Rocco around and photograph him whenever he does something bad so she can haul their son and her ex into court because she is not getting her way.

Multiple sources connected with Madge says she feels that Guy has set no rules for 15-year-old Rocco and he’s living dangerously … not enrolled in school, hanging out in skate parks, smoking and essentially doing anything he wants. And so she wants him back so she can control his every move.

In the meantime, I think Madonna will release another record, called Parenting and it will feature songs like ‘Stalking My Son,’ ‘Guy’s A Dick,’ and ‘No One, NO ONE, Ignores Me!’

A couple of weeks ago I shared the news that Khloe Kardastrophe has a new talk show, Kocktails With Khloe, a show that apparently no one in Hollywood with a scintilla of decency or integrity would appear on so … Tori Spelling has guested on the chat-show … and she brought the cray.

On the show, Tori admits that when Tori gets drunk, she turns into Terri — short for TerriTORI because the bitch brands everything — and Terri is a mess who apparently likes to pee anywhere and everywhere she wants.

Now, to be fair, Tori claims Terri doesn’t come out that often because Tori has kids and because it’s generally more likely that her husband Dean is the drunk one so he can stay at home with her and not be lead around town by his dick.

But, some say this might be a case of split personality, though I disagree because Tori would have to have a personality already for one to split off from it.

You know …

And speaking of Hollywood blondes who met their husband s because they schtupped them while they were both married to other people … LeAnn Rimes.

Apparently, Miss Adultery, er, LeAnn is miffed that the husband she screwed around on, one Dean Sheremet, keeps talking about her, and not always in a pleasant way because, well, lying adulterer.

And now Dean has the nerve to say the name LeAnn in his new cookbook, high-lariously entitled, Eat Your Heart Out and so LeAnn released the hounds — AKA a crack team of lawyers — on Dean’s ass to remind him that he’d signed a paper to never say “LeAnn” again. LeAnn is worried because it sounds like his cook book might spill some confidential information and violate the terms of their agreement. And they says that although LeAnn doesn’t want to come between Dean and his coins — lest he decide to come after her for more — she doesn’t like him making money off’a her whilst discussing his new recipe Cheating Chicken With Cibrian Sauce.

In response to LeAnn’s letter, Dean hissed that LeAnn was, as usual, making this all about herself.

“I just don’t get it. She already killed my happiness the first time around. [It’s like], ‘Move on already, LeAnn. I’ve moved on!' I’m on people’s radar because of my past with her. I can’t erase my past; I referred to it and was very respectful. I’m not the one who cheated.”

See LeAnn? He’s over it! Put a fork in his My Wife Banged Eddie Cibrian Meatloaf. He’s done.

Oh Shia LaBeouf is making enemies everywhere, even in his own family.

It seems that Shia’s aunt, Sharon Saide, might have to hit up Craig’s List for rooms to rent because Shia has taped an eviction notice to her door, saying he wants her out of her Manhattan apartment because he’s in the middle of a Bitchfest with Sharon’s husband, his uncle, Barry Saide.

See, back in 2014, Shia sued Barry over a 2009 $800,000 loan that Barry felt he shouldn’t have to repay because … Rich Nephew. Well, the courts didn’t like that argument and Barry lost the case. Now, it’s 2016, and Barry still hasn’t paid back the loan and it’s grown to $1 million, thanks to interest and lawyer fees, so Shia decided to take Aunt Sharon’s home.

But Sharon has an ace up her sleeve; she says she bought the apartment with inheritance money from her grandmother and that Barry’s name isn’t anywhere on the ownership papers. And, if that isn’t enough, she says the apartment is worth $2.5 million, far more than Barry owes Shia. Sharon has also accused Shia of trying to “intimidate and pressure” her into handing over her apartment.

How? By showing her one of his films? I know it’d make me run for the hills!

It's Snarkurday!

Last week we talked 15-year-old Rocco Ritchie and his refusal to spend Christmas with his mom, Madonna, but wanting to stay with his dad, Guy Ritchie, for a while. And he did, sharing the holidays with his dad and his dad’s family, including his step-mother, Jacqui Ainsley.

But the question is maybe why all of the sudden was Rocco over Madge. Maybe he’s just over her because he’s fifteen, or maybe, as rumor suggests, he and Madge had some kind falling out around Thanksgiving and that’s why he said ‘See ya’ to Mama and, ALLEGEDLY, “ran away in Stockholm” from Madge and her Rebel Heart Tour,

And then when the tour hit London the first week in December, Rocco took off for his dad’s house and hasn’t seen his mother since, which caused Madonna to go into hysterical mode and fire her fifteen-year-old son’s ‘manny’ — let’s not even talk about needing a manny for a teenager — and unleashed her attorneys on Rocco and Guy.

So … is this typical teenager and mom stuff? I mean, how many teenagers want to spend all their time with their moms? Rocco has been on tour with Madonna for at least the last six months, traveling the globe, and maybe he just wanted to go home. Or … as some say, maybe the rift started over Madonna’s habit of posting embarrassing photos of Rocco on social media like … that time she posted a slow-motion video of Rocco doing a back flip in his underwear and hashtagged it “#nosausage“.  Or the time cool mom Madonna posted a picture of Rocco boxing and again went hashtag crazy about her own son’s crotch.

For his part, Rocco used his now private Instagram to tell the world he wasn’t spending Christmas with Madonna, and then she retaliated by posting a Christmas Day picture of the two of them from August with the caption “Merry X-mas to the Sun-shine of my Life!”

At least she laid off his sausage. But, because it’s the holidays and because I’m feeling generous, here’s some advice for the sparring parent and child:

Lay off social media and have an actual conversation. Oh, and Madonna, howsabout laying off the creepy talk about your child’s crotch?? M’kay?

Wow. This is one Terrible Idea …

Rumor has it that ex-Kardastrophe Baby Daddy, and Celebrity Drunk, Scott Disick, in need of a sober companion, has taken to spending time with … wait for it … it's amazing … Girlfriend Beater, Chair Flipper, Vandal Chris Brown.

Sources — and you know it’s That Woman — claim the duo is joined at the hip in an effort to stay non-liquored up.

Yeah, I see this working out real well, or at least becoming a Very Special Episode of Keeping Up With The Kardastrophes.

Blame a slow holiday gossip cycle for this one because, how is this news ....

Back to the Future is real, y’all. I mean, it must be because the big news today is that 80s heartthrob Richard Marx and 90s video vixen Daisy Fuentes have gotten married.

Looks like next we’ll be buying Mom jeans and getting our hair piled higher on our heads?

It’s the second marriage for both, since Fuentes ended her first marriage to soap man Timothy Adams from Sunset Beach, and Marx divorced Cynthia Rhodes — Penny in Dirty Dancing — after twenty-five years of marriage.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I hear acid wash jeans are on sale and I need someone to trim my mullet.

Poor Russell Crowe. He thinks everyone should cater only to him.

See, it’s like this: Crowe was taking his sons on a trip aboard Virgin Australia flight just after Christmas. And Virgin Australia — like nearly every other airline and airport on the planet — has banned hoverboards because they have tendency to catch on fire.

Not good for air travel, you know. But Russell, because he’s a big star — in girth, actually, now, rather than career — expected someone from Virgin to personally call him and tell him not to bring the hoverboards. And so, naturally he Tweeted his dismay:

“Ridiculous @VirginAustralia. No Segway boards as luggage? Too late to tell us at airport. Kids and I offloaded. Goodbye Virgin. Never again.”

To which Virgin replied like this:

“@russellcrowe ...hope to see you on board again soon.”

And that sent Russell fuming in outrage:

“@VirginAustralia why did you not inform me when I booked my ticket? Where is your duty of responsibility in this?”

And then this:

“@VirginAustralia I'm awaiting your reply, where is your duty of responsibility in this? Why not tell me when I am booking my ticket?”

So then Virgin said this:

“Hi Russell, this information is outlined in the Dangerous Goods section in the booking confirmation and check in reminder emails you will have received. We have also communicated this on Facebook and Twitter, as well as through the media. We understand your frustration, however please appreciate that safety is our number one priority.”

C’mon, Virgin! You expect Russell to read, and follow, the rules like a normal person? He needs a major corporation to personally contact him with whatever information he might possibly need about whatever situation he might possibly encounter while using whatever service any major corporation anywhere on the planet provides!

Sheesh, Virgin, don’t you get that?

No doubt you read about the mix-up at the Miss Universe Pageant last week, when host Steve Harvey read the wrong name and Miss Columbia was declared Miss Universe for about ninety seconds, until the matter was cleared up and Miss Philippines was awarded the title.

At first it all seemed to go over quite smoothly, with Miss Colombia, Arianda Gutierrez, smiling sweetly and congratulating Miss Philippines on Instagram, but now she’s singing a different tune: conspiracy.

Miss Colombia recently spoke with Colombia’s W radio, and isn’t playing nice now:

“It was very humiliating for me, but also for the whole country and for all the people not only from Colombia but the other Latinos that were in the auditorium.”

She says that when Harvey first uttered the Oops Heard ‘Round The World, she thought it was a joke, because in the rehearsals Harvey played around a lot and she thought he was being funny. And now she thinks the whole event was staged as a publicity stunt.

Now, I love a good conspiracy theory, so I’m 100% on board with Miss Colombia side-eyeing the big-wigs at Miss Universe pageant except … why just a ninety-second stunt? Why not give her the crown, let her take the runway walk, let her tour the world for about six months and then let Harvey say, ‘Uh oh!’? That would be more of an escándalo.

Oh, and Miss Colombia shot down another conspiracy; the one that said she would be riding this mess all the way to Vivid Entertainment where she would pocket a cool million for a Miss Universe porn film.

And somewhere, That Woman is eyeing her daughter Kim, and thinking, ‘Where I Miss Columbia’s mother? I could have made a fortune off a beauty pageant porno. Miss Columbia will never be a star now.’

I Didn't Say It........

Rick Perry, going all oopsy again:

"Those of you that will be 21 by Nov. 12th, I ask for your support and your vote. Those of you who won't be -- just work hard -- because you are going to inherit this and you're counting on us to get this right. The idea that you're looking at a $15-trillion debt, that you're looking at entitlement programs that will not be there for you if we continue on this path, is not fair to you and it’s not right."

Um, three things here Ricky:

Number 1, the legal age to vote in America is 18, not 21.

Number 2, the election will be on November 6, not November 12,

Number 3....What was that one....um, 21 and 12, and, well, what';s number three, I can't seem to rememb--

Oh yeah

Number 3, you'll never be president.

Mitt Romney, on gay marriage and gay rights:

"The story on same-sex marriage is that I have the same position on that, that I had from the very beginning. I’m in favor of traditional marriage, I oppose same-sex marriage. At the same time, I don’t believe in discriminating in employment or opportunity for gay individuals. So I favor gay rights, I do not favor same-sex marriage. That has been my position all along."

Talk about the ultimate flip-flop.

He's all for gay rights except that one.

Yeah, that works Mittsy.

It's like being all for Civil Rights back in the sixties, except for that whole shared drinking fountain thing.

Asshat.

Michelangelo Signorile, on Mitt Romney's pandering: 

"He's done a stunning public turnaround on LGBT issues--as with many other issues--from claiming he was better than Ted Kennedy on gays and supporting partner rights back in the 90s (when he unsuccessfully challenged Kennedy in a Senate race) to signing a pledge written by the National Organization for Marriage this year 'to appoint federal judges who don't see a constitutional right to same-sex marriage.' But no matter how much Romney joins in the bullying of gays, he continues to get bullied himself by the same gang of thugs for being a Mormon."

Will the real Mittsy Romney please stand up?

Pro-life Mittsy or Pro-choice Mittsy?
Health care Mittsy? or repeal Obamacare Mittsy?
Gay rights Mittsy? Or homophobic bigot Mittsy?

Newt Gingrich, campaigning in South Carolina:

"There needs to be a solid conservative alternative to Mitt Romney, and I'm the one candidate that can bring together a national security conservative, and economic conservative, and social conservative, to make sure we have a conservative nominee...I wouldn't lie to the American people, I wouldn't switch my position for political reason. It's perfectly reasonable to change positions if you see new things you didn't see. Everybody does that, Ronald Reagan did that. If you go around and adopt radically different positions based on need for any one election, people will ask, 'What will you tell me next time?'"


He wouldn't lie to the American people, you know, like he lied to wives 1 and 2 when he was fucking around on them.

Talk about pandering.

he wouldn't switch his political position like he switched his religious position to Catholic so he could have his first two marriages annulled when he married his mistress.

Sorry, Newt, you're a cheat and a liar, not a president.

Barney Frank, on debating Newt "Serial Adulterer" Gingrich on the repeal of DOMA:

"I did not think I had lived a good enough life to be rewarded by Newt Gingrich being the Republican nominee. It still is unlikely, but I have hopes. Let me say, for example, I intend to continue to be an advocate of public policy. I look forward to debating, to take one important example, the Defense of Marriage Act with Mr. Gingrich. I think he is an ideal opponent for us, when we talk about just who it is, is threatening the sanctity of marriage."


Can you just imagine Newt Gingrich, of all people, defending DOMA, when he is the antithesis of the sanctity of marriage.
You can't write this stuff!

Newt Gingrich, [again] calling on Obama to 'repudiate' OWS:

"I repudiate, and I call on the President to repudiate, the concept of the 99 and the 1. It is un-American, it is divisive, it is historically false…You are not going to get job creation when you engage in class warfare because you have to attack the very people you hope will create jobs."


This coming from the $1.6 million dollar lobbyist.
This coming from the 1%.
Newt, seriously, just stop, before you become more of a laughingstock.

Daniel Craig, on famewhoring in general and the Kardashians in particular:

“I think there’s a lot to be said for keeping your own counsel. It’s not about being afraid to be public with your emotions or about who you are and what you stand for. But if you sell it off it’s gone. You can’t buy it back – you can’t buy your privacy back. ‘Ooh I want to be alone.’ F–k you. We’ve been in your living room. We were at your birth. You filmed it for us and showed us the placenta and now you want some privacy?....Look at the Kardashians, they’re worth millions. I don’t think they were that badly off to begin with but now look at them. You see that and you think ‘what, you mean all I have to do is behave like a f–king idiot on television and then you’ll pay me millions.’ I’m not judging it – well, I am obviously.”


Well played, Mister Craig. Well played.

Guy Ritchie, on being married to Madonna: 

“I enjoyed my first marriage. It’s definitely not something I regret. The experience was ultimately very positive. I love the kids that came out of it, and I could see no other route to take. But you move on, don’t you? You’re right, I stepped into a soap opera, and I lived in it for quite a long period of my life. I’ll probably be more eloquent on it 10 years from now. When you end up with a lot of the things you set out to chase and find that you’ve stumbled into all sorts of hollow victories, then you become deeply philosophical. I’m quite happy that that experience was accelerated for me. I’m glad I made money, in other words. And I’m glad I got married.”


He made mad money in that marriage.
Or, is it Madge money?


This one is a little different, a series of quotes from Michele Bachmann on LGBT rights and marriage equality:
Jane Schmidt: 

"One of my main concerns is government support for the LGBT community. So my question is what would you do to protect GSAs in high school and support the LGBT community."
Michele Bachmann: 
"Well, No. 1, all of us as Americans have the same rights. The same civil rights. And so that’s really what government’s role is, to protect our civil rights. There shouldn’t be any special rights or special set of criteria based upon people’s preferences. We all have the same civil rights."
Jane Schmidt: 
"Then, why can’t same-sex couples get married?"
Michele Bachmann: 
"They can get married, but they abide by the same law as everyone else. They can marry a man if they’re a woman. Or they can marry a woman if they’re a man."
Jane Schmidt: 
"Why can’t a man marry a man?"
Michele Bachmann: 
"Because that’s not the law of the land."
Jane Schmidt:
"So heterosexual couples have a privilege."
Michele Bachmann: 
"No, they have the same opportunity under the law. There is no right to same-sex marriage."
Jane Schmidt: 
"So you won’t support the LGBT community?"
Michele Bachmann: 
"No, I said that there are no special rights for people based upon your sex practices. There’s no special rights based upon what you do in your sex life. You’re an American citizen first and foremost and that’s it."


Michele Bachmann. A gay man, if he wants to get married, can marry a woman.
Is she, um, speaking firsthand?