PR: All-Stars: Porcine Prêt-à-Porter

I was a little put off by the challenge this week. That whole, design a flamboyant cocktail dress for a, um, well, pig. To be fair, the pig in question, was the fabulous Miss Piggy of Muppet fame, but the whole show was played a little too cartoonish for me; all the designers oohing and aahing over the pig seemed contrived.
The challenge, however, seemed, interesting, if one remembers the word flamboyant.
Let's rip:

ANTHONY
First hearing about the challenge, Anthony once again channeled his inner Black Diva, and said, "They are pulling out the talent from our toenails, honey, I'm going to design a dress for a Muppet."
He also channeled his inner Gretchen when, while watching Michael work, called his creation amateurish. i wonder if Anthony thinks that by acting like Gretchen, he'll win like Gretchen.
Oh, honey, no. No.
Anthony wanted to play up the sex appeal quotient, while maintaining the ideal that a lady is always a lady, even when she's a, um, pig. But then, as his dress hit the runway, I thought, What woman wants to wear sheers, and shiny, and a feathered bust Not a feathered bustier, mind you, feathered breasts.
For a pig, no less.
Pass.

KARA
She was the Drama tonight. She started Glove Gate with Mondo...who politely said, Take the damn gloves." And then she entered Shoe Gate with Austin, who was less forgiving. But, hey, Kara's kids love Muppets and Miss Piggy is a, gulp, "21st century fashionista" so all bets are off, and all drama is on.
Her dress hit the runway and she said, "I'm happy." That's not a lot of conviction for a designer. Her dress was too tight for Miss Piggy, and too shiny, and too cut-out. It was, again, perfect for a human model, but less so for swine.
Kara was lucky that there were other, more hideous things strutting the catwalk, but I do think her days are numbered.
Pass.

MONDO
He decided to go 60s retro, too, like Mila, but he chose color and shine and print and life, over drab and prison garb-esque.
Still, he worried that his design was overworked, and perhaps a bit too much. But, it's for Miss Piggy; is there such a thing as too much?
I liked Mondo's dress. It didn't give me that Wow, but I liked the detail of the tiny triangles and the buttons. I didn't like the styling. The hair was a little too Joan Crawford Battles The Board of PepsiCo and that just threw me off. All I could hear was "Don't fuck with me fellas!" Not good.
And I think it missed the flamboyance. Miss Piggy is kinda showgirl, and this was a little understated showgirl.
This wasn't his challenge.
But he got a Pass.

JERELL
Jerell got the invisible edit this week. I mean, he even got snubbed by April!
Perhaps he was invisible because his clothes are not hitting the mark. I mean, we all know he's creative though he needs to push the edit button from time to time, but his clothes this season seem dysfunctional and disjointed.
Last week he sent down a dress with a  beautiful top, but weird bottom, and he did the same this week. The top half of the dress, sexy, sultry, didn't mesh with the bottom half, shockingly pink and flouncy.
I mean, it was good enough to get him a Pass, but I'm thinking Jerell isn't long for the show. His look was a hot mess, and hot messes don't win. At. The. Tents.

APRIL
Such a sad sack. While she has more oomph than Mila, that really isn't saying much. She doesn't smile much, doesn't seem to talk much; she even snubbed Jerell, but then, he's kinda working my nerves too, so I'll give her a pass on that.
I won't give her a pass on saying Miss Piggy has "that va-va-voom" and then designing one of her patented Gothic black dresses with weird colors, or hems, or cuffs.
After April dogged Kenley for creating the same dress week after week, April went back to her roots with purple and black and sheer and these kooky tentacle things sprouting from the shoulders.
This wasn't flamboyant.
It didn't say cocktail party as much as it said I need a drink so I can erase the image of this mess from my head.
Even she noted it was a Tim Burton dress, but she wasn't designing for Edward Scissorhands Two, she was creating for a Muppet.
Somehow, however, it passed.

AUSTIN
He was thrilled to be designing a "flamboyant cocktail frock for the legendary beauty, Miss Piggy" because he and the Muppet have so much in common. They both refer to themselves as 'moi'.
M'kay. That's a stretch. But then, while looking at Austin, in his every changing costumes--he changed clothes more than Cher on her last Farewell Tour--I realized that he does look like a Muppet. He has Muppet eyes, and I think a man puts his hand up Austin's bum to make him talk.
Joanna Coles is worried about Austin's design, because he wants to do a giant, structured bow at the back that sort of wraps around the pig belly; she thinks it's too gift wrappy. And, in the end, that idea is scrapped for two small bow seemingly stapled onto the model's waist. It doesn't scream gift wrap as much as it screams WTF are these things on  my hips.
I think, had Austin put Miss Piggy into his own Speedy Gonzalez As A Matador look that he wore on the runway, the results might have been different. But Austin, who said his "aesthetic is achieved" sent down this overwrought, crinkled, twisted mess.
Georgina noted that every wrinkle showed, and that the choice of gray and pink seemed just plain sad. Eric made mention of the fat-inducing hip bows, while Angela thought it pretty, though the construction was off and the colors weren't good--Note to Angela: then what did you like about it? Miss Piggy feared the bows would inhibit Hula Hooping--always a concern for pigs--but liked the shininess of the dress.
Austin scraped by, finishing Fourth.

MILA
Still a bitch.
First, she doesn't like the challenge because she doesn't do Muppets, or something like that. There is no joy in Mila, at any challenge, and there seems to be mostly pained expressions in this one.
Plus, she harps constantly because Kara and Kenley like each other and help each other, and, dammit, this is a competition, not a make friends show.
She went 60's mod, color-blocking.....what? Oh, I fell asleep for a moment because it's like a recurring nightmare with Mila.
Color-blocking and complaining, and uttering, "I want to win!"
Austin had it right when he called her look severe...and he was talking about her hair and make-up.  Her dress, for me, was odd and sad, and had no life. Mila said, and she'll get props for the Most Outlandish Line Of The Season: "I think it's a dress I could see on a lot of Hollywood A-listers on the red carpet."
Maybe. Perhaps. the red carpet at the Holiday Inn where they spend they declining days.
Angela noted the dress had no flamboyance--a key component of the challenge. Georgina wished there had been some color, while guest judge Eric Daman liked the stripe-y, jailhouse arms. Miss Piggy liked the retro vibe, but noted that the dress didn't scream pig.
Mila missed being Auf'd by that much.
Fifth place.

GORDANA
Her kids love the Muppets. I know this because she uttered it a hundred times. And she went pink, too, because, as only Gordana can say, "Why not wearing pink if she's pink?"
Pink is good; pink nightie, not so much. Joanna Coles warned her about the nightgown effect, but Gordana said someone about "stretching hems pretty" and paid Joanna no mind.
Gordana likened her dress to being chic and girly and flirty, as in 'she looks chic getting out of bed, she looks girly padding into the bathroom, she looks flirty scrambling some eggs.'
None of which say cocktail party. Or flamboyant. Or staying on the show.
Angela said the dress had no sophistication...ouch...while Georgina thought it pretty, but the fit unflattering. It's for a pig, pigs are curvy, show some pig curves.
Miss Piggy said, "It's not moi. It just sat there."
Until it was time to pack it's needles and go.
Bye Gordana. We miss you. We miss Moose and Squirrel.

KENLEY
"I love her! She's awesome! She reminds me of me!"
Typical Kenley, bring it all back to herself.
And then she creates yet another big skirt, over tulle, in a retro style, that she creates all the time. She's One Note Kenley. And the one note is ego: "This challenge is perfect for me! I will probably win."
Not so fast. The top seemed like it would wardrobe malfunction, and the scrubby on her head was like a giant pink brain tumor, growing larger as the model walked the runway. Still Kenley thought it the perfect party dress....like for a Tupperware Party....cleaning up after a Tupperware Party.
Georgina loved the color--pink giraffe is so in this year--but felt the top looked shaky and stuck on. Eric agreed, liking the shape, hating the construction. Miss Piggy mostly liked the hat....for doing dishes.
But still, it was fun and flamboyant and Piggy-ish, so Kenley finishes Third.

RAMI
Rami again plays nicely with others. No snark about this dress or that designer. His only complaint is the challenge, and the time constraints. And, maybe, the fact that he didn't win.
Rami wants to create a "happy dress" and goes dotty with the fabric. Michael dubs Rami's dress safe, and even Rami worries that it might be too simple. But, when it hit the runway, it was the Wow dress. The polka dots, and the feathery hat were fun and flirty and sexy; perfect for a pig, I, um, guess.
And Rami agreed with me, saying "She stands out....vibrant, flirty."
Angela said it might be a difficult dress for the average woman to pull off, but then Miss Piggy rightfully noted that she is far from average. She then called the dress garish, outlandish, ridiculous...."I love it!" It was like a candy store, and we all know what they say about a pig in a candy store. Or, a kid in a poke?
I forget. Georgina loved that Rami went for it, and stayed true to the fun, flirty, flamboyant aspects of the task. She liked that the dress gave a wink to the crowd, and was fun. Eric Daman--who looks like the lost gay Wahlberg brother--said the dress was fun, and perfectly hog couture.
The gays are good with a quip. But the judges weren't good with voting. Rami's dress hit all the marks. More fun than Michael's, more flirty, too. Better made than Kenley's.
Thus was another case of the wrong person winning.
Rami was robbed, but happily, graciously, took Second.

MICHAEL
I'm a little over Michael and his overly dramatic line readings, coupled with the bulging eyes and the gaping mouth. It's too much, as in, "I'm sooooo excited to meet her. She's a fashion dream client."
Wow. 
But he does make a mean dress, and makes some mean snark at Gordana, whose dress, he says, you can buy off the rack at any number of stores. And then he mutters that this challenge would be the last of Austin Scarlett; I think Michael wished for an Austin Scarlet mustache that he could twirl while uttering that line.
His dress was loopy, like his performance on the show. it seemed like a nice cocktail dress, for a human, but missed out on the fun and flirty part of the challenge. The fabric was rich, and the bow down the front seemed better suited to his dress than Austin's bows, but it didn't read pig to me. Michael, of course, thought otherwise, saying, while holding his hand over his mouth and staring wide-eyed at the model: "What a dress! Soooo beautiful."
Georgina thought it looked more sophisticated than the others, but that the styling was off. A pig, in leather gloves? Angela wasn't fond of the black for Miss Piggy, who did love that it looked like a present.
So, let's see: too sophisticated, styling off, wrong color. Michael gets the win.
Huh?