Another One: Jeff Fehr

Just after the clock struck twelve on New Year's Day, Jeffrey Fehr hanged himself in the front entrance to his family's home. He was 18 years old.
As happens, Jeffrey's parents have been wondering why, and how, since that day. Their son was openly gay, and though he had recently ended a relationship, they think it was the years of bullying and taunts and teasing and harassment that caused their son to end his life.
Steve Fehr, Jeff's father: "We will second-guess ourselves forever. But we do know that for years and years, people knocked him down for being different. It damaged him. It wore on him. He could never fully believe how wonderful he was, and how many people loved him."
Jeff wasn't like his brothers. He wasn't interested in boy things like sports; Jeff hung around with the girls and climbed the jungle gym at school. And he didn't have a lot of friends, perhaps because he was different. His brother, Tyler, remembers, "He would come home from school and cry. He would say he felt alone, that he wasn't accepted for the things he liked."
It was in the sixth grade that people first started calling him "fag."
Patti Fehr, Jeff's mother: "It broke my heart that he was abused that way." But the Fehrs tried to help Jeff, tried to rebuild his confidence. They sent him to counseling, and they encouraged him to pursue his interests, including art, theater and dance. They hoped high school would be a place for Jeffrey Fehr to shine.
It wasn't. Steve Fehr: "He would literally hang his head when I dropped him off. It was just awful for him." One day as Jeff walked through the cafeteria, one student knocked his lunch tray out of his hand and other students stood by laughing. Someone painted a gay slur on their driveway. It never seemed to end. And, well, this part pisses me off. Granite Bay High principal Michael McGuire admits that he knew some of what Jeffery endured at school, but felt that none of it "rose to the level where school discipline was involved."
Knocking someones lunch from their hands and then laughing about it apparently requires no discipline.
Still, Jeff soldiered on. He came out to his parents, who "told him that it was OK, that we loved him unconditionally." He seemed to handle the bullying better, once he'd come out. He joined the high school cheerleading team--which had previously been an all girl squad--and finally found a community that adored him. 
Carly Flajole, Jeff's friend: "Jeff loved everyone with everything he had. He always wanted everyone to get along, without drama. He was a leader."
Bri Larson, who coached Jeff for four years: "Jeff was special. He was like a son to me."
Still, no matter how popular he became, or how welcomed he felt, the taunts continued. I mean, he was a guy, right, and a cheerleader. His friends remembered the ugly words shouted at Jeff during games, and the adults who said they wouldn't let their sons do something as "girly" as cheering. Yes, sometimes, it's the adults who bully.
And it weighed heavy on Jeff's mind. After graduation, he started college, but was unsure about his future. He never complained about bullying again, but he made few new friends.
Still, he seemed to be fine. He had a nice Christmas with his family, and then, a few days later, he drove to Los Angeles to see a boy he'd met. He called his parents while he was gone, and said everything was fine.
Steve and Patti Fehr were in Palm Desert that next weekend, when Jeff called. He said his relationship had ended, but "we are going to be good friends." Patti Fehr: "He wasn't happy, but he was accepting."
And he was heading back to Granite Bay.
His parents asked him to pick up the family dog from the kennel, and make plans with friends, but he did neither of those things. He was alone on New Year's Eve.
Patti Fehr called to wish him a Happy New Year. He didn't answer. The next morning she texted him; no response. For the next hour, the Fehrs called and texted; his brother checked Jeff's Facebook page; it said, "New Years is stupid."
Patti Fehr called Shayla. Could she and her mom swing by the house to check on Jeff? They did, and they found him hanging from a rope near the front door.
Steve Fehr: "We have so many questions that will never have answers. But I do know that something was taken away from Jeff because of all those years he was bullied. He carried around that pain. A bully might say something and forget about it in 10 seconds. But people like Jeff never forget those words."
And another one is gone. Another one who might have done so much, and been so much, and seen so much, is gone.


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