Top Chef DC: Lunch Boxing And The Bipartisandwich And Hot Bald Guy Sam Kass

We had the first knife pull on this week's Top Chef, but it wasn't Kenny threatening Angelo. It was the Quickfire. White House Chef, and Hot Bald Guy, Sam Kass, is the special guest judge this week--[note to Sam: you can heat up my frying pan any day.]--and he and Padma announce that eight teams of two, strapped together in a Siamese-twin aprons, making them essentially one-armed, two-brained chefs, would have thirty minutes to make a bipartisandwich.

Bipartisandwich? get it? DC? GOP and Dems. Okay, I know. Then I think, what's the big deal? I'm been there many a time, after a long night of drinking, bringing a hot date home, and getting hungry and horny and into some bondage, but I digress.

The Quickfire Teams:

Rosie O'Donnell and Random Hot Guy make a flounder--and by flounder, I mean, the fish not the mess--sandwich. Random Hot Guy says he owns a sandwich shop in New York, that he'd have to close if he loses, while Rosie is all hot'n'verklempt over hugging a hot guy. Right. Sam likes their sandwich; I like Sam.

The Brown-Haired-Sister-From-Insert Sitcom Name Here and Angela Bassett create a prosciutto masterpiece that goes nowhere except the middle.

The Reverend Jim from Taxi and Randy Jackson are tied up to build Lamb a la Française sandwich that doesn't impress; but, come on, it's French and all they're known for is their Fries.

Anne Heche and Cliff Claven from Cheers go all Chicken and avocado. It sounds simple, and Sam doesn't like it. And if Sam is unhappy, I'm unhappy. Couples do that, you know, kind of sync up in their likes and dislikes.

The Gay One and Meg Ryan, before the lip enhancement, opt for Curried Chicken, which Sam doesn't even bother to address; even Padma, lover of all things curry, isn't so impressed.

Veteran Character Actor James Earl Jones and Biff Tannen, from Back To The Future I, II, III, IV, V, VI, VII, VII not IX, but X do an ahi tuna that Sam adores, and before I can say I adore Sam, I must say that I adore ahi more. Still, the idea of me and Sam, and some ahi.....I'm in....if he's out.

Infomercial Mom and Tootie, from The Facts Of Life do a saltimbocca sandwich that you have to eat with a fork, which, to me, negates the fact that it's a sandwich. Sam agrees with me; we are so in tune with one another.

Joanna Kerns from TVs Growing Pains and Telemundo's Drew Carey do something called a Philly Cuban, which, if memory serves, was mostly just a Cuban. And if they can't even agree on where it's from, how do they expect it to win?

Sam....I love you....and Padma decalre that Rosie and Random Hot Guy are the winners, giving them immunity and the chance to pick their team for the next challenege.

The Elimination Challenge:

Create a lunch for 50 kids, of healthy foods kids will each, for $130 bucks. This is hard. When I was in school I spent more than $130 on wine to go with my grilled cheese. Hey, what can I say, it was a posh school.

The Teams:

Rosie and Random Hot Guy, Veteran character actor James Earl Jones and Biff Tannen build a lunch of Chicken Burgers, Sweet Potato Puree, Celery and Peanut Butter on a Twill--I know!--and Bread Pudding.

Joanna Kerns, Telemundo's Drew Carey, Randy Jackson and The Reverend Jim give the kids Yogurt Cole Slaw, BBQ Skinless chicken, Mac'n'Cheese, and Fruit Skewers with Whipped Yogurt.

Anne Heche, Cliff Claven, The Brown-Haired-Sister from Insert Sitcom Name Here and Angela Bassett feed the kids Chicken Thighs in Sherry Jus, Sweet Onion Rice, Green Bean and Tomato Salad, and Banana Pudding with Strawberries.

The Gay One, Meg Ryan, Tootie and Infomercial Mom go all colorful and Latino with Pork Carnita Tacos, Black Bean Cake, Roasted Pork and Salsa Salad and Caramelized Sweet Potato with Chocolate Sherbet.

The Judging:

In a twist, which sends the waiting room into a tizzy because the Top Picks are usually seen first, Team Rosie-Random Hot Guy-James Earl Jones-Biff Tannen, along with Team Anne Heche-Cliff Claven-The Brown Haired Sister from Insert Sitcom Name Here-Angela Bassett appear before the judges and are told they are the Bottom Two; or, in other words The Kids Don't Like You.

The Judges don't get Random Hot Guy's Peanut-Butter-and-Celery sabotage. They wonder if, because he has immunity, and by making something that's, well, stupid, maybe, just maybe, he can can throw James Earl Jones under a Crosstown DC bus. Random Hot Guy becomes Random Hot Bastard.

But, perhaps, Veteran Character Actor James Earl Jones seals his own doom when he told the judges they added a roasted tomato to their sandwich to make more veggies on the plate and Hot Guy White House Chef With The Impossibly Kissable Lips tells him that tomatoes are a fruit. My first thought was, Are you a fruit, too, Sam? If so, call me. Seriously.

The Judges turn their venom on Biff Tannen's soggy rice mess, and Anne Heche's overly-sweet-overly-starchy Banana Pudding, before setting their sites on The Brown Haired Sister from Insert Sitcom Name Here. Why oh why, they ask, would you use sherry to make a chicken dish for children, and she answers, I like sherry. To which Gail responds, I like vodka but I don't cook with it. Hmmm, maybe I could have Gail whip up a couple of martooni's for me and Sam. Just sayin'.

The losers are sent back to wait, and Team The Gay One, Meg Ryan, Tootie and Infomercial Mom are herded in like cattle and declared the winners. All of it, tacos to salsa to rice cakes to sherbet are winners, but Meg Ryan gets the win.

Anne Heche, The Brown-Haired-Sister From Insert Sitcom Name Here, Veteran Character Actor James Earl Jones and Biff Tannen, then come back as the Biggest Losers Of The Week.

But, as is Top Chef custom, the one that makes dessert takes the bullet, and Anne Heche, and her starchy sweet banana pudding are told to back their knives and calories and go.

And I was left with several thoughts:

The Gay One is funny....and aren't they always.

Why does the Random Hot Guy have to become a jerk.

Meg Ryan got the pseudo-bitch edit, but threw down the gauntlet.

And, of course, why can't Sam be on every week. I mean, I loves me some Eric Ripert, but, Sam oh Sam.................