The Dese, Dem and Dose Of Design Star

Are you blankety-blank kidding me? I'm gonna take this blankety-blank ball and shove it down your blankety-blank throat!

See, now I know how Serena Williams feels.

Watching the last episode of Design Star and seeing them heap praise on Dan for his whole house makeover and then take points away from Antonio for his space-planning and slightly offensive color choices, I knew it would happen.

Antonio. Design Star.

Blankety-blank. Let's break it down.

Antonio chopped a Balinese cabinet in half and nailed it over the fireplace. He painted the wall gray and hung green curtains, and then threw in a pink and white chair. He gave them, let's see, one-two...three places to sit to watch TV, not counting the round cheesy ottoman, which I guess is supposed to serve as a coffee table as well.

His kitchen was boring. He closed up a wall, and then opened up a wall to make room for the refrigerator and then, he put the refrigerator on a different wall. And by closing up one wall, the homeowners now have to travel into the living room and dining room just to get to the kitchen, when before they could get there from the hallway. Nice use of space, Asstonio.

The master bedroom was painted a soothing brilliant lime green....how restful. And the Antonio nailed boards above the bed as, I dunno, a piece of art? The owners wanted a cozy reading area in the master bedroom and he put in a leather and chrome couch more suitable to a dentist office waiting room. it's looks like one of the cheap rooms at the Hotel Lime.

In Da kid's room, and yes, he kept calling it "da kid's room," Antonio cut out stars and hung then up--the family's last name is Starr. Ho followed quickly by Hum. There are no chairs for Mom and Dad to use except for two more of those round ottoman-coffee table thingies, and, where does the Starr baby put all his toys? Yes, no storage, in da kid's room.

To recap, he opened and closed walls for the sake of opening and closing walls--although I give him credit for relocating the door to the master bath. He has no storage, his furniture choices are sometimes odd, from frou-frou to sterile. And his color choices ran the gamut from dark gray to hot pink to neon lime to baby blue. Talk about a house where a rainbow threw up, eh Vern?

Now, onto Dan, who sadly did not remove his shirt during this episode which makes his loss even greater.

I thought Dan's spaces were great. He solved his clients TV problem by hiding it behind the mirrored doors, and gave them, let's one-two-three...six places to sit in the living room. He also created a mirrored wall because the home owner's daughter practices dance in the living room. And, as a focal point, he used an old photo of the Mom and daughter the day the daughter was born. Beautiful.

He turned the kitchen from dull as dishwater to something elegant, with a cool bamboo tile backsplash--that Vern hated because Vern is design-, as well as height-challenged. He solved the washer-dryer problem, the storage problem, and the ugly floor problem. It's a beautiful kitchen now. I could get some cooking done in there...with Dan.

In the master bedroom he closed up the ugly window the homeowner hated and never used. And, because it was such a small room, he turned the headboard into storage, and then mirrored the closet doors to open up the space. The telling moment was when the homeowner fell to bed and said This feels like home. That is a winning compliment.

In the daughter's room he made a bed that is also a dresser and a desk. It's a perfect teenaged girl's room; not too girly, but still, well, girly. It looks a little grown up, but still kind of funky and trendy and cute.

So, Dan solved all their storage needs in their tiny, tiny house. I thought his redo was fantastic, save three things: [One] His shirt did not come off; [B] I am not a fan of purply-lavender, and [Three] I no likee mirrored walls.

But, hey, the homeowners wanted mirrors and purply-lavender, so who am I to judge? And the homeowner hugged him, the daughter hugged him, and they both said it felt like home. Antonio's clients kept saying Oh my God which is client speak for It's gonna cost a fortune to fix this mess.

And who is Vern Yip to judge. He said towards the end, that this was the hardest decision he's had to make in four years. I got news for you Vern, you little candle sprouting troll, you haven't made this decision in the last four years, the audience has always chosen the winner.

The biggest travesty of all, aside from seeing bad taste win out over good taste?

At the end, mere seconds after announcing Fred Flinstone as Design Star, they have a commercial for The Antonio Project where we can watch Antonio help a deserving person fix the wrongs in their home.

Who's the deserving person you ask? Antonio. He gets to redo his own house. I smell a fix. And I won't be watching dat show.

And Dan? if you need a hug, I'm here for you.

Seriously.