The Re-Emmys

The Emmys were on last night and I have just two words: Bo. Ring. I've never watched an awards show before where, when someone was introduced, or won, or walked the red carpet, my first thought was Who?

There was a lot of Who? last night; and a lot of hooey, too.

I could scarcely watch the E Red Carpet Show because of, well, let's face it, Ryan Seacrest pretending to be straight, Giuliana Rancic pretending to be smart, Jay Manuel pretending she's interesting, and Nene, of the Real Housewives Of Atlanta, pretending she's, well, just pretending. Plus, i am sick to death of Who are you wearing? The whole red carpet arrivals interview has turned into Plug This Designer! Buy These Shoes Here! I Am Dripping With Expensive Jewels And I Borrowed Them From fill in the blank.

On with the show.

NPH, Neil Patrick Harris, or as I call him, National Public Homo, is adorkable, and as a far as I'm concerned, can do no wrong. His opening song was cute, especially when he sang about some actress on Mad Men who could make a "gay man turn straight, except there's Jon Hamm." Jon Hamm. He could turn a straight man gay, or a gay man into a quivering mess.

Speaking of Jon Hamm, he gets to present the first award, Best, or do they say Outstanding, Supporting Actress. And I would prefer that he just stand on the stage and read, giving me a knowing wink every so often. I was taking notes as I watched the show and, this morning, looking them over, I noticed a full page where I'd written over and over again, Mister and Mister Jon Hamm.

And now, a Jon Hamm Moment.




A boy can dream, can't he?


Anyway, Kristen Chenoweth wins, from Pushing Daisies, a show that's been canceled. I liked it, but apparently I was the only one. Kristen is tiny; seriously, the Emmy in her hands was bigger than she. But she's no fool. Since she's unemployed she used her speech to search for work on everything from Mad Men--leave my husband alone--to 24 to 30 Rock. After her speech, Tina Fey slipped Kristen into her purse and offstage they went. She really is that tiny.

Supporting Actor in a comedy went to Jon Cryer. I know. This was the first, and nowhere near the last time, I thought the show was rigged. Jon Cryer? Puh-leeze. In a freakin' sweater vest yet! Oh lord, gay boy needs a little Rachel Zoe action. And then his speech was nothing more than a chance to plant his lips on Charlie Sheen's butt, along with begging for the academy to give Sheen an award because he's, and I quote, "brilliant." I have never thought the words Charlie Sheen and Brilliant should be used in the same sentence, unless it goes something like this: Charlie Sheen's career is over. Brilliant.Yeah, that works.


The Best Actress in a comedy went to Toni Collette for a show I've never heard of; ever. The United States of Tara. It was the first of many WTF moments. I mean, I love Toni, but I didn't know she was on TV and her show sounds like a post-Civil War account of life for Scarlett O'Hara.


Best Actor in a comedy went again to ::::yawn:::: Alec Baldwin. Sure, he's funny; he's really funny, whether on TV or leaving insane messages to his daughter. But really, can we move on from the Alec Baldwin Love now? Can we?


Jeff Probst wins as best Reality Show host because Survivor has been on the air since it was intro'd on a very special episode of Blossom back in the 60s. I mean, wasn't Nixon president when this show first came on? Jeff Probst. Nice dimples, and if you've seen 'The' Photo, nice meat and veg, too. But it was another WTF moment, for me.


The Amazing Race was Best reality show. Again. But I don't care if it wins every year because I think it should. It isn't about alliances and hating people and siding against people. You don't get the boot because no one likes you or thinks you're a threat or whatever lame excuse they have, you get the boot because you ran the race too slow. Yeah. The Amazing Race can win every year. And it does.


Outstanding Supporting Actress went to Shohreh Aghdashloo, for House of Saddam. I know. Who? What? I've never heard of her, but a quick IMdb search of her name reminds me that she was on the Will & Grace episode "Cowboys and Iranians." She should have won for that. I've heard of that. I've seen that.


Supporting Actor goes to Brendan Gleeson, who I know even less than Shohreh. Seriously, I began to wonder if these Emmys are the American TV Emmys or Emmys from some foreign country full of actors and shows I've never heard of before. Luckily when these types win I can make a bathroom break, so they do serve their purpose.


Best Actress. Finally! Jessica Lange! For Grey Gardens! Love.Her! Heard of her! And then Grey gardens wins best Movie and suddenly I feel as if the Emmy stars are aligning once again. I love her; she looks like she can be all kinds of crazy. She'd be fun to hang with.


Best Supporting Actor Drama: Michael Emerson for Lost. Brilliant choice because his character is so infuriatingly good and/or bad, or just plain bad. I loves me some Lost and I loves me some crazy Michael Emerson. He scares me, in a good way.


Best supporting Actress Drama: Cherry Jones for 24. I'm not a 24 fan but I am a fan of Cherry Jones. She is brilliant in everything--think about the five minutes she was in Erin Brockovich-- and she's a big old lesbian, so I gave a big whole gay hoot for Cherry. Plus, the name Cherry Jones sounds like something you'd get at a convenience store on a cross-country road trip. And I like that.


Best Actress in a Drama went to Glenn Close for Damages. I used to watch Damages but it turned from being a good show to being a watch Glenn Win An Emmy and, well, No. No. She wins every year so why don't they tell her to stay home and they'll FedEx the statuette to her. It'd save time on the show, and lord knows they could shave some minutes off the broadcast.


Best Actor. Heart pounds. Pulse races. Jon Hamm is up. Jon. Hamm. And then Bryan Cranston wins. Seriously! No Jon Hamm Goodness for my having to endure three hours of Bo-Ring--not you NPH, but the Who and the WTF Bo-Ring.

Then 30 Rock wins Best Comedy. Are they replaying last year's show, because Mad Men wins Best Drama. It's like deja vu all over again, although I did get one more Jon Hamm fix. For now.
So, that was the Emmys or, as I'll call it, The Re-Emmys. No great drama, no real comedy in a show that honors great drama and real comedy. It was safe and Bo-ring and so much like a retread of years past. But NPH in a white tux, singing and dancing is always a treat.
i loves me a cute dork.

Oh yeah, before I go, two more things:


Gay. Way gay. Come out already.
And:

This woman won for something called Little Doritos, or some such nonsense, but i couldn't even listen to her speak because I kept channeling Heidi Klum.
I wanted The Girls up and in place. I thought she had a couple of loose cats in her gown.

That's all.