Tuesday, September 29, 2009

One Night In Bangkok, Okay, Smallville

Carlos can sleep through anything.

When we lived in Miami and we're going through Hurricane Katrina, which tore our Chinese Orchid Tree to shreds, ripped down the fence, and took big pieces of our roof off, he slept.

I paced. I stayed in a closet, not because I'm a self-loathing homosexual, but because it seemed like the safest place to be as I listened to bits of tree and fence and roof hit the side of our house.

He slept.

And to make matters worse he can fall asleep almost instantaneously. We go to bed at around the same time each night, and we'll talk just before we doze off. If there's a lull in the conversation longer than thirty seconds, he's out. Way out.

So, last night, we go to sleep. I was a bit tired so I went to bed around 11:15; Carlos stayed up playing Spiders--what he calls Spider Solitaire--and came to bed around 11:45 or so.

At 11:55, it began.

I thought a buzz saw had entered the room, grinding and whirring, and cutting though the cool Smallville night air headed right for me.

I tap the pillow, wondering how long this might go on and whether or not I can fall asleep, and stay asleep. It stops.

But then the pump starts. He expels air like some kind of steam engine :::::pooof poooooof:::: and buzz saws in between. It's like ::::poof pooooof whirrrr grind chortle poof pooooooof::::::: on a continuous loop and I decide it is never going to end.

I nudge him, gently. Charlie? You're snoring.

No I'm not. He says.

No I'm not? WTF does that mean? Is he implying I'm losing my mind, because if this snoring keeps up, I most certainly will.

Yes, you are.

Maybe it's you.

Me? I wake myself up with my own snoring and yet, somehow, continue to snore while awake, readying by Blame Gun to fire on a sleeping prince? Is that what he's telling me?

No, Charlie, you're snoring.

He turns over.

::::poof grind whirrr snizzle pop pop grind poooooof::::::::::::::


He literally does not hear me, and I don't know it he can't because of the noise of the Snore Factory or the fact that he's trying to ignore me, or if he's actually, and I cannot believe it, sleeping through it! Now, I know it's a king-size bed, but I am not calling from a different time zone. I nudge; okay, maybe I shove. He rolls over again.

::::::::::::::poof snizzle grind whirrrrr arrrrgh pooooooof:::::

I move to the guest room. And so do the cats. Yes, his snoring keeps cats awake.

Over breakfast, I open my half-sleeping, bloodshot eyes, and tell him we're getting an alarm clock for the guest room so, if it happens again, he can ::::poof snap crackle pop snizzle whirrrrr grind arrrrrgh poof pooooof::::: to his heart's content.


frogponder said...

The Engineer is in New Hampshire right now. I slept wonderfully last night.

Larry Ohio said...

Bob, are you getting the emails I send to you, or are you just not responding?

Stephen said...

I sleepp in a bed with a snoring husband & 2 snoring terriers. I use earplugs.

truthspew said...

I know I snore, so too does Keyron but I can sleep through that.

I've gotten good too. If he stops snoring I sort of half wake and give him a nudge.

Now I have a cat that snores. It's a very quiet snore but you can hear it when she's sleeping.

I'm trying the 4x.5. Four half hour naps per day. Supposedly gives you more REM sleep than snogging through 8 hours a night.

Kyle said...

that sounds awful Bob.Luckily, Stan doesn't snore...yet.

Joy said...

Snoring makes me crazy. Those people who say they don't mind it or even like it because they know the other person is there with them are way too sweet for me.

Has Carlos been to a sleep clinic? They can get those machines for sleep apnea. How much would a sound-proof container cost to put him in at night? I totally know how this is, but then I have enough trouble getting and staying asleep alone. No one really questions why I'm not married.

Lou said...

Torture. It's a long time since I had to get to sleep beside a snorer but I remember it well. Now apparently according to my son I snore which is just fantastic news :-(

David Dust said...

OMG ... you crack me up!!!

"Maybe it's you" ... classic. :)


DuPree said...

I have a human buzzsaw at home, too. But after nearly 19 years, I can now sleep thru it and thru pretty much anything.

Heck, when we lived in San Francisco, I wouldn't wake up for any earthquake under a 5.0 magnitude.

Sam said...

Something that helped me, with Bill's snoring. Breathe Right Nose strips. They are fairly inexpensive too.
Good luck

Miss Ginger Grant said...

He may have sleep apnea, which really needs to be treated. He needs to tell his doctor that his smoring keeps his partner awake. Thats on of the first signs...

Anonymous said...



Dan said...

OMG! him ans luis are so much alike it frightens me.

Bob said...



Oh, but you do know what i'm talkin' about, Blanche; but ya do!

Micky said...

We all share the same problem!