Sunday Report

It was a chilly day in Smallville and we had errands to run, so, bundling up, off we went.

First stop, Office Max for a giant desk calender and work supplies. What's this? Closed! Oh, yeah, it was before noon. Well, scratch that one off our list and move on.

Next up, Lowe's--kinda like the Homo Depot if you don't have one. After the sky fell in on Leonora we decided to check out a new light fixture for the garage. [Sidenote: the insurance adjuster was here Saturday and could find no reason why the drywall took a tumble from the ceiling....he even said our roof was in excellent shape which was good news.] I wanted to look at track lighting and use the junction boxes [now, don't that make me sound butch? Junction boxes!] already in the ceiling to place two track lights with four lights on each one. Well, I'm explaining my philosophy and I turn around and Carlos has the most childish expression on his face. I was waiting for him to utter something pathetic like, I don't want track lighting I want florescent! only he'd do it in Spanish.

So I said Fine! and I stomped off to look at closet organizers. Ever since I came out I've been wanting to tidy up a closet, you know. I look at all sorts of systems and grab all the fliers and info, and then start looking for Carlos. I spot him at the end of an aisle and I give him our special whistle so he knows where I am; he sees me and motions,

Come here.
No. I say.
Come here. He points to the ground like I'm a dog and didn't understand.
You come here. I say.
No.You.Come.Here.
Repeat.

Finally, because he's less infantile than I, he wandered down to me and told me he'd found a light for the garage. Some hideous florescent mother-effer with no style at all, but, hey, it was seventeen dollars and I've spent less on that for beer when I wanted to get a straight guy to......

Where was I?

Oh, yeah, then it was off to groceries, without incident, although I did want to, well, if not kill, perhaps maim, a rather large, and by large I mean ginormous, man in a Clemson sweatpants ensemble, who doesn't know that he needn't cruise up the center of every aisle traveling two feet per minute! I hightailed it to the wine section and calmed myself down with the purchase of a lovely Sterling Sauvignon Blanc made from organic grapes and a nice Bogle Syrah.

Or as I call it Syr-aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

Next stop was PetsMart for cat food. Forty-one dollars for cat food. I got the stink eye from Carlos for that one. See, it works like this: if we have to spend money on the cats and it costs more than expected, they are my cats and I get the stink eye. My. Cats. Hmmmmmph. Just because they love me more........

Then it was back home. I settled into finish the newest Dan Brown book, The Lost Symbol, and, well, for you dear readers, I'll give it a one word review: Meh. Then I started in on My Trip Down The Pink Carper by Leslie Jordan--who you may recognize as having played Beverly Leslie on Will & Grace. Funny book about being gay, drug abuse, alcoholism, getting sober, crushing on Mark Harmon, etc.

One of my favorite parts of the book is when Leslie tells the story of shooting a commercial for Japanese television with Boy George, and what a bitch--and not in a good way--Boy George was while on-set. But, The Boy did provide me with one of my new favorite lines. Two of my other favorite lines you might recognize from the Real Housewives of fill in the blank. One is, when someone isn't paying attention to me, and I have to repeat myself, I say, a la Danielle, Two things are true, Teresa. Name change and I got arrested! Pay. Attention! and, the other I use whenever I see one of Tigers mistresses on TV complaining about how bad she felt screwing another woman's husband, even though she goes on every show to talk about it, and I scream, a la NeNe, Close your legs to married men! Close.Your.Legs.To.Married.Men.

Anyhwhore, back to Boy George. On the set of the commercial, he didn't like the costume he was given, and he kept saying it was like a cheap hotel.

Huh? What? Huh?

Oh yeah, It's like a cheap hotel. No ballroom.

I.Died.

Finally, two tidbits of info to end our day. I was in bed reading before heading off to snoozeville, and Carlos comes in and call me Princessa, as in, Ooooooh La Princessa is already in bed. Then he turned and promptly walked into a door. Teach him to call me La Princessa!

About 45 minutes later, I'm turning off my light and going to sleep, and I turn to Carlos, who is reading, and I say, in my sweetest la princessa voice, Did you turn off the Christmas lights?

He mumbles stutters stumbles and mutters something like I'll get it, and gets out of bed. Just as he reaches the bedroom door, I say again, in my sweetest la princessa tone, Because I already turned them off.

Hee.Hee.