Thursday, December 31, 2009

Scandals: A Top Ten List

I loves to read about a good juicy scandal, unless it involves my internship under, and I do mean under, a certain president, and I loves loves loves to pass on a good juicy scandal. So, here's a top 10 from 2009:

NUMBER TEN: Rod Blagojevich, aka The Hair From Chicago. The year began with Illinois firing its governor for the first time in history. Bad enough, but that wasn't the end of "The Blago Show." Bad Roddy went on every talk show he could to deny rumors that he is a corrupt politician--corrupt's funny, 'cuz it's true. He denied to everyone from Barbara Walters to Harry Smith that he did not try to sell the U.S. Senate seat vacated by Barack Obama's election as president. He repeatedly denied that jimmy Hoffa is buried in his hair. And The Blago Show goes on when he faces off with that other Man Of The Mystery Hair, Donald Trump, on the next installment of "The Celebrity Apprentice."

NUMBER NINE: Michael David Barrett, aka The Erin Andrews Peeper, who used a peephole to videotape Miss Andrews showering in various hotel rooms. Talk about a boy with a mission. he is also accused of being a stalker, and to that I say, Duh! He followed her around the country to peephole tape her. That's the very definition of stalker! But he took it a step further and posted the Erin Andrews Shower Tapes on the Internet. His trial is far from over, but he could get up to five years in prison. He won't need a camera for those showers!

NUMBER EIGHT: Carrie Prejean. While Mark Sanford used state money to fly South Of The Border to get his rocks off, CarrieCarrieCarrie let her fingers travel south, and then taped the show for various, ahem, "boyfriends. The year started off good for her, I guess. After the Miss USA Hates Gay Marriage question she became became the darling of Christian conservatives. But things went south [pun intended] when racy photos of her hit the Internet, followed by news about her pageant-financed breast implants and finally that solo, so low [again, pun intended] sex tape. And Carrie disappeared, taking her video camera and her fingerless gloves with her.

NUMBER SEVEN: The Heenes, Richard and Mayumi, aka Mr. and Mrs. Do Anything To Get Our Lazy Asses On TV, were already reality TV veterans and were hoping for a new show when they staged a high-flying hoax that transfixed TV news viewers who were missing the slow speed chases of the last century. These asshats claimed their son Falcon was trapped inside a runaway balloon that soared for 50 miles above Colorado. Oh, but little Falcon was hiding in the house, because that's what his parents told him to do. The story would have been one for the books, were it not for Falcon's unplanned utterance on CNN, telling his parents: "You guys said we did this for the show."

NUMBER SIX: The Gosselins: 'Jon & Kate Plus 8' = hate, and apparently huge ratings for people with nothing better to do; I mean it's no Real Housewives franchise, now is it? But then came bad parenting, nanny booty calls, and ratings that fell flatter that Kate's personality. And a divorce and end to their "show." Buh-bye, and don't let the door hit you on the way out.

NUMBER FIVE: The Salahis, aka Ignorant Media Whores, became the most talked-about attendees at President Obama's first state dinner because, yeah, NO ONE INVITED THEM! Michaele and Tareq Salahi, two publicity-whoring-socialites angling for a reality TV show because their lives are empty and dull, crashed the party and became more famous than they could have imagined. Obama was pissed, the Secret Service took the blame, and the Salahis actually turned down an invitation: the one to be grilled by lawmakers on Capitol Hill.

NUMBER FOUR: Senator John Ensign, from Nevada, is a conservative Repugnant Republican Asshat who can't keeps his pants zipped; oh, and he also belongs to a secretive religious group called The Family. Ensign's indiscretion, oh hell, his fucking, of a former staffer--which he admitted in June--turned out to be part of a real family affair. His lover was the wife of his former top aide. Ensign had his parents pay the woman's family $96,000, then got her husband a job, allegedly in violation of ethics rules. His conservatives must have come as unbuckled as his belt.

NUMBER THREE: Governor Mark Sanford, my hometown fave, told his aides--who told reporters--that he was hiking the Appalachian Trail for a few days in June; that, we have learned, is slang, for "boning an Argentinean woman." See, Mark and his good friend Little Mark had gone South Of The Border for a little salsa and chippie--or as he calls her, his "soul mate"--sorry Jenny. Upon coming back t South Carolina, he was outed as just one more lying cheating hypocritical Republican adulterer who values all marriage except his own. He cried; he moved out of the house; Jenny filed for divorce. He was also officially rebuked--but not impeached--by idiotic south Carolina state lawmakers.

NUMBER TWO: David Letterman. Nope, not funny when the late-night talk show host admitted he'd had sex with women who worked for him. He made the on-air confession last fall after Joe Halderman, a producer for CBS's "48 Hours," allegedly tried to use information about the married comedian's affairs to extort $2 million from Letterman. Halderman was charged with attempted grand larceny. Letterman returned to getting laughs at the expense of others, like our next scandal, the Biggest Mother-Effer Of The Year!

NUMBER ONE: Tiger Woods, once called the "Athlete of the Decade," his new title is King Of The ManWhores. Tiger Woods' nice-guy image was drubbed with a Nine Iron--is that a golf club?--when he admitted to "infidelity" after a mysterious late-night SUV crash outside his Florida home. Now, more than a dozen alleged mistresses who are looking for their own reality TV show have materialized and some of Tiger's big-money endorsement deals evaporated.

1 comment:

froggy said...

ALL those in 2009!!! That has to be some kind of record.