How To Tell If You're A Conservative By Ken Kupchik
Since almost no one is willing to identify with the GOP these days, it can be difficult to diagnose conservatism. Here are some tips to help determine if you are a conservative:
10) You refused to share your toys in kindergarten, saying it would put you on a dangerous path to socialism.
9) You get angry when there are choices for languages on an automated call because you still don't have a good grasp on English.
8) You hate those "elite Hollywood liberals" but refuse to cancel your Netflix account.
7) You go to tea bagger rallies because you have no job thanks to the recession that "started under Obama."
6) You watch Fox News, but unlike most people actually take it seriously.
5) You become absolutely livid about imaginary tax increases.
4) You are against wasteful programs like Medicare, but also against cutting waste from programs like Medicare.
3) You criticize Michael Moore for his weight, without being able to refute a single claim that he makes in his documentaries.
2) You can enter any collective noun into the following sentence "The ______ are screwing everything up" except for the correct ones.
1) You find yourself saying "no" even to things that you actually want, like ice cream, and health care.