Monday, August 24, 2009

Princess Jason Turns Into A Frog

Ah, Design Star. Designing for the most horrific client of all, the child. And then having to do the hosting tryout on top of that.

Dan. Beautiful Dan. Dan the man. He was given the green room of Helena. No, it wasn't actually green, but his client was the family recycler, so she wanted eco-friendly. And he gave her that with bamboo floors and repurposing her dresser and bubble gum machine. I liked his room, though it seemed a bit sparse, especially above the headboard with the recycled ironwork that Vern hated. Vern. Pffft! He's a design-by-the-numbers kinda gay--not a misspelling--who wouldn't know a good design if it smacked him in the head. And Genevieve hated the color; I hate Genevieve. Arrogant little pissant, smug, self-righteous, pompous, egotistical.....Huh? Oh yeah. but Candace's knickers got all a'twitter at the gumball machine lamp. I know how she feels. Dan does that to my knickers, too.

As a host Dan was a adorkable, all grins and giggles--the judges didn't like the giggles but they made me wanna hug Dan even more. Okay, so I would have hugged him anyway but the giggles were cute. He comes across as extremely likable, lovable, hug-able. Dan.

Antonio got Connor, the five-year-old dinosaur freak and so Antonio gave him a dinosaur freak room. It was all right, if you're a five-year-old dinosaur freak. But when you turn six and you're into Star Trek or fire trucks, or, as in my case, Malibu Barbie, will you still be in love with a dinosaur room? I think not. And that photo he took of Connor and then pasted on the wall to make it look like Connor was hoisting the TV above his head? Am I the only one who thought it weird that the PhotoConnor had no legs? Am I the only one who pictured Connor waking up from a nightmare to see his legless body walking toward him, aiming a flatscreen at his head?

And as a host, Antonio scared the Baby Jeebus outta me, with that accent and those tattoos. "I did da rock bed and made da cave and did da pitcher of da lil guy for da wall." Hmmmmmm.....nope.

Torie got Carina, the soon-to-be-Soho bound artiste! I liked the bed, although it was a tad too generic for me, and I loved the fact the she put Carina's name on the wall--though why she had to explain that the 'I' was a paintbrush shows just how much it wasn't. But those shower curtains of fabric seemingly stapled to the wall don't spell Carina or design, they spelled desperation!

As for her hosting skills, or lack thereof, it was a little I, Robot for me, like she was a Tin Woman off to Oz to see if she could get some personality.

Lonni got hold of Victor's room; Victor, a seventeen-year-old baseball player, who looked beyond thrilled ::::sarcasm:::: to have Lonni up in his crib. But she persevered and worried about finishing and painted a series of home plates for his wall--slightly reminiscent of the chevron pattern she did last week. Vern worried she might be a one-trick pony and she is, a pony with one .................horrible.........................trick.

Hostess Lonni came off as a bit too Miss Design America. I wanted to see her in a crown and doing that little wave with her hand. Then I wanted her to get off my TV.

Jason drew the luckiest number of all, or so he thought. The seventeen-year-old girl who wanted Princess Chic. He screamed like a seventeen-year-old girl when he found out; and she screamed like a seventeen-year-old girl who was a'scurred of the gay man screaming back at her. Jason cried because he got to do a princess room and he teared up because his carpenter was no good and he bawled when he couldn't find just the right rug. I know how he feels; I had myself committed for seventy-two hours once because I couldn't locate a teal bath mat for the guest bath. But he struggled and fought and screamed and cried, and then tacked placemats to the wall for the 'chic' headboard.

As a hostess, he reminded me of Gilda Radner, on SNL, jumping around the princess room. I fully expected him to slip a pair of white pajama bottoms on his head and show us what he'd look like as a blond.

Neeldess to say it was Bye Bye Jason....your show has been cancelled. Or, as Carlos might say, Pack your knives, the tribe has spoken, and you have been evicted from the race.


David Dust said...

Darling -

Excellent recap. You make your Blog Mama proud!

In fact, I'm gonna link to it over at my blog.


frogponder said...


Excellent word there!
And holy mackerel! I didn't notice the legless boy until you pointed it out. Painful.

Howard said...

Nice job! I am with you - Dan would not have been in my bottom 3 - though I would gladly offer myself as his... uhm, well - and Antonio scares me greatly. I need him to leave soon, or I will start getting nightmares.

Cuz_I'm_The_Mom said...

I'm a delurking Dust Bunny looking for my Design Star recap fix. Great job!
I concur on EVERYTHING. Especially so on the Vern Yip assessment. He's the smallest tool in the toolbox. One trick wonder? How about the ten different times you've hung a montage of votive candle shelves on a wall, knowwhutImean, Vern?

Genevieve was just being mean about that color. Pre-teen girls are wild about those colors along with zebra print. (Oy, my own daughter's room gives me retina burn.)

I immediately wondered what happened to Connor's legs in that photo, too! SCARY! Not to mention the fact that 5YOs grow so fast that he's totally going to hate that photo (and the dinosaurs, too) before he successfully completes Kindergarten. I really dig Antonio, though. He's gonna make one of the blondes cry before the end. Mark my words!

Joy said...

The no-legs Connor freaked me out, too. Bad idea! I have a son and decorated his room for years through the various stages. My granddaughters are 15 and 16, so I know how they've been through the years, too. You have to leave room for change while having the basics in place creatively.

Good recap! I'm so glad you did it. I agree with what you said. Candice is the only judge I like and the only one whose rooms wow me on HGTV. She knows what she's doing. I hope they keep her as a judge and replace the other two. Vern is accurately named and is yippy.

None of these rooms was that great.

RAD said...

Great ReCap! I thought they were all pretty boring and just ok...Dan did have the best room but the colors did kinda turned me off--Torie and those curtains behind the name--BAD BAD BAD and Jasons whole room was BAD...It was time for him to go..He was not good as a designer/decorator anyhow and was not even that good as a host---he was sorta a spaz so aloha....its kinda slim pickings this season eh? Great comments about the judges too...made me LOL!

Dan said...

LMAO!!!! love the recap and i love the ending! Bye Bye Jason!

that Carlos, he one funny man!

Mark in DE said...

Great recap, Bob. Funny!!

But yet again you forgot to mention Jason's repeated use of the non-word "functionable".