A Golden Stream ....

So, another year, another Globes, and this time with Ricky Gervais back, after all the kerfuffle he caused a few years ago by getting up onstage and acting like … Ricky Gervais. Look, he is who he is; he’s politically incorrect, bawdy, bad taste and completely shocking, but that’s funny to some, when he isn’t aiming the jokes at you … “You disgusting, pill-popping, sexual deviant scum” … I am, however, over the tired Hey look! I’m drinking a beer schtick, but I guess that’s Ricky … I was also a little put off by the Bruce Jenner/Caitlyn Jenner anti-trans jokes because … PSA Alert: Anti-trans humor isn’t funny, when trans people are highly likely to be beaten of murdered simply for being trans … PSA over … Is that Rob Lowe? He looks like he’s made of plastic … Which, I’m assuming is better than looking like Sylvester Stallone and made out of orange clay … 

I did love the equal pay for equal work jokes about women in Hollywood … notably JLaw and her $52 million she made last year … But it hit home when he joked he was getting the same money as Tina Fey and Amy Poehler from last year … And The Martian is up for Best Comedy Movie? … No one told me it was a comedy when is aw it … Channing Tatum and Jonah Hill, inexplicably wearing a bear head, opened with the first award … Jonah Hill is not funny … And if swearing is the new comedy, count me out … I mean, I love a good curse word, but keep it off TV since the home audience can’t hear it … M’kay, Jonah? … 

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN ANY MOTION PICTURE … Kate Winslet, Steve Jobs … I am stunned, but then I remind myself, and Carlos, that the Globes are basically a Kiss The Ass Of The Foreign Press And Get An Award Awards Show … How else do we explain Winslet—whom I love, don’t get me wrong—winning this one … The Rock, or do we call him Dwayne Johnson … I always forget where we stand on his name these days … present with JLo looking tightly drawn in mustard … I wonder if she killed Professor Plum in the Drawing Room with a candlestick … BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A SERIES, LIMITED SERIES, OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION … Maura Tierney, The Affair … Love her! … She is breathtakingly amazing in The Affair … so, maybe this isn’t a popularity contest after all? Who am I kidding? … Andy Samberg recapping the show as if it was over … Bill Cosby confessed … Patrick Stewart has been wearing a bald cap all these years … I need him to host the show, please … BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A TELEVISION SERIES, MUSICAL, OR COMEDY … Rachel Bloom, Crazy Ex-Girlfriend … Great speech … Saw the show once, thought it was awful, but her winning the Globe won’t lure me back … It.Was.Awful. … Taraji P. Henson and Terrence Howard … God is he smarmy? … I need to scrub down my set after he appeared on it … BEST TV SERIES, MUSICAL OR COMEDY … Mozart in the Jungle … One of those “streaming” shows all the kids are talking about, I guess … Viola Davis … love her, but she’s looking a little Lena Horne as Glinda the Good Witch in The Wiz starring Diana Ross … 

Ricky: “The next presenter is the star of the hilarious comedy The Martian and the only person Ben Affleck has never cheated on.” … Matt Damon … Bryce Dallas Howard looking more like Jessica Chastain every day and Orlando Bloom looking more “rode hard and put away wet” every day … BEST TELEVISION LIMITED SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION …  America Crime, loved it … American Horror Story, loved it … Flesh and Bone, loved it … Fargo, loved it … Wolf Hall, couldn’t get past the first episode … the winner is …Wolf Hall … of course … Amber Heard and Jamie Alexander … this is what happens when no-talent actresses present and try to be funny and then resort to swearing … awkward … unfunny … BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A LIMITED SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION … Oscar Isaac, Show Me a Hero … God, that man is so dreamy … I annoyed Carlos by saying that over and over and over again … and then trying to make up for it by saying, “You’re cute, too.” … Bob … Epic Fail … But Oscar Isaac is so dreamy … 

Melissa McCarthy, Jason Statham and Paul Feig — writer and director of Spy — introduce Spy and Statham steals the intro by claiming to have written and directed it and played Melissa’s part … then he puts Feig in a headlock … funny stuff … Tom Ford … and why is he there … and Lady Gaga, looking fabulously Monroe-esque-ish … BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A SERIES, LIMITED SERIES, OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION … Christian Slater, Mr. Robot … The best thing about seeing Slater win was the brief peck on the cheek he got from Rami Malek, oddly hot Rami Malek … 

Lily James and Jamie Foxx present best score … but naturally Jamie Foxx has to turn it into the Jamie Foxx Show … which is pathetically unfunny and kinda sad  and very try hard … he even tries to Steve Harvey the winner which went over like the real thing … BEST ORIGINAL SCORE, MOTION PICTURE … Ennio Morricone, The Hateful Eight … A haunting score, but then the award is accepted by Quentin Tarantino who looks like he hasn’t bathed or changed his suit since last year’ awards show … Eva Longoria and America Ferrera … good joke about Latino actresses being interchangeable … Eva is not Eva Mendes and America isn’t Gina Rodriguez … and neither one is Rosario Dawson .. Okay Selma, Let’s go, Charo … BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A TELEVISION SERIES, DRAMA … Jon Hamm, Mad Men  … Popularity contest  winner … but, yeah, he’s nice Eye Candy … Amy Schumer and Jennifer Lawrence … this is how you do funny … take notes Channing and Jonah … JLaw and … ASchu? … “Please turn your phone off.” … lovelovelove Amy … 

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A MOTION PICTURE, MUSICAL, OR COMEDY … Matt Damon, The Martian … Gosh, that film was high-larious …especially the part where you thought Matt was dead on Mars … my sides! … Kate Hudson and Kurt Russell … Um, Kate? Cher wore that look better in the 70s, hon … BEST ANIMATED FILM … 
Inside Out … Ryan Gosling and Brad Pitt … new comedy stars … again, Channing and Jonah, this is how comedy presenting is done … Plus, both men are hot and both men were very funny … “Whatever” … “Is this like Montessori school where everyone gets an award” … 

JK Simmons and Patricia Arquette .. she learned how to comb her hair in the last year I guess … BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN ANY MOTION PICTURE … Sylvester Stallone, Creed … Popularity Contest Winner! … And Stallone talked mostly about himself and his career and winning for Rocky way way back in the last century … Will Ferrell and Mark Wahlberg … note to Channing and Jonah … This will be the two of you if you keep doing crap jokes … Will Ferrell is so try hard  and smug … Loathe.Him. … BEST SCREENPLAY, MOTION PICTURE … Aaron Sorkin, Steve Jobs … Sorkin is so nerdy cute … Supergirl and the Flash … Why bother learning their names … we won’t remember them next year … BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A TELEVISION SERIES, MUSICAL, OR COMEDY … Gael García Bernal, Mozart in the Jungle … Carlos said, as Bernal started speaking, Ís he Jewish?” … “No, he’s from Mexico, like you.” … “We saw him in Y Tu Mamá También!” … Oy! … The best thing about his win was that Rob Lowe didn’t … yes! … Helen Mirren …. Fabulous … and Gerard Butler … an STD in a tux … BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM … Son of Saul … Ken Jeong and Kevin Hart … Two of the tiniest men in show business … and not so funny … BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A LIMITED SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION … Lady Gaga,  American Horror Story: Hotel … Love her, love the show … Popularity Contest Winner … The look on DiCaprio’s face when she nudged him as she walked by was priceless … Award-winning Eye Roll ... and her speech? … 

And Gaga comparing herself to Cher … Oh … Hell … No … And then admitting she is so consumed by being Gaga that she has to have people to do everything for her … I guess I was right last week on It’s Snarkurday! … Katy Perry … Looking like a cheap knock-off version of Lisa Vanderpump in a lumpy too-tight dress and bad wig … I guess that’s what screwing John Mayer does to one … 

BEST ORIGINAL SONG, MOTION PICTURE … "Writing's on the Wall," Spectre …Is it just me or does Sam Smith talk exactly like Boy George? … Ricky Gervais and Mel Gibson almost kiss and make-up … then Ricky leaves him with this zinger …. “I’d rather have a drink with you in your hotel room tonight, than have a drink with Bill Cosby in his room.” … Mel struck back with … “I love seeing Ricky every three years because it reminds me to get a colonoscopy.” … Mel is trying to make a comeback from being a drunken anti-Semite … 

BEST TELEVISION SERIES, DRAMA … Mr. Robot … Again, a view of Rami Malek … he’s not everyone’s cup of tea, but he has something that I cannot quite put my finger on … though I’d love to try … Tom Hanks does a pretty good Denzel … Denzel gets the Humanitarian Award and accepts with his family … I was stunned by how many films he’s done, how many of them I’d seen, and how many of them I loved … plus, you know, he’s Denzel … Ricky Gervais … “Our next presenter is the most respected actor in the room … that isn’t saying much.” …. Morgan Freeman … BEST DIRECTOR, MOTION PICTURE … Alejandro G. Iñárritu, The Revenant … Sophia Bush and Kate Bosworth appear, meaning all the Big Names are drunk so break out the D-List … BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A TELEVISION SERIES, DRAMA … Taraji P. Henson, Empire … I may be wrong, but Taraji is an angry drunk … girl looked a mess and screamed at someone for stepping on her train … Maybe she thought she was playing Cookie at the Globes … 

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A MOTION PICTURE, MUSICAL, OR COMEDY … Jennifer Lawrence, Joy … Popularity Contest Winner … At least she didn’t trip this year … And I’ll give it to her for channeling one of Hitchcock’s icy blond heroines … She was so Tippi in Marnie … Tobey Maguire introduced The Revenant and seemed so keen on looking at his BFF Leo … who, I think, because he did it, blew Tobey a kiss … M’kay … Jim Carrey … Lose the beard … and I don’t mean his date … I mean the actual facial hair … And again, this is how funny is done, people … BEST MOTION PICTURE, MUSICAL, OR COMEDY … The Martian … Gosh, wasn’t it funny how, when Matt launched himself into space he just had a plastic tarp on the cover of the rocket ship? … High … Larious … Ricky came out again to make yet another transphobic joke while introducing Eddie Redmayne, who plays a transgender woman in The Danish Girl … BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A MOTION PICTURE, DRAMA … Brie Larson, Room … Haven’t seen the film, but she makes me want to … Julianne Moore … stunning … 

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A MOTION PICTURE, DRAMA … Leonardo DiCaprio, The Revenant … I kept thinking while he was speaking that he was thinking, “I really don’t want this, I want The Oscar.” … Long speech … he wants to share it with indigenous peoples and I’m guessing they’re thrilled about that, what with getting killed and having their land stolen from them, a Golden Globe is a priority … BEST MOTION PICTURE, DRAMA … The Revenant …Not a big surprise, I guess … It’s one of those films that looks good, sounds good, may be good, but I have no desire to see it … Leo and the Bear … So, there’s goes the Globes … Fun bawdy … censored … drunk and kinda transphobic … Like the drunk uncle at Thanksgiving, no?