Tuesday, January 12, 2016

A Golden Stream ....

So, another year, another Globes, and this time with Ricky Gervais back, after all the kerfuffle he caused a few years ago by getting up onstage and acting like … Ricky Gervais. Look, he is who he is; he’s politically incorrect, bawdy, bad taste and completely shocking, but that’s funny to some, when he isn’t aiming the jokes at you … “You disgusting, pill-popping, sexual deviant scum” … I am, however, over the tired Hey look! I’m drinking a beer schtick, but I guess that’s Ricky … I was also a little put off by the Bruce Jenner/Caitlyn Jenner anti-trans jokes because … PSA Alert: Anti-trans humor isn’t funny, when trans people are highly likely to be beaten of murdered simply for being trans … PSA over … Is that Rob Lowe? He looks like he’s made of plastic … Which, I’m assuming is better than looking like Sylvester Stallone and made out of orange clay … 


I did love the equal pay for equal work jokes about women in Hollywood … notably JLaw and her $52 million she made last year … But it hit home when he joked he was getting the same money as Tina Fey and Amy Poehler from last year … And The Martian is up for Best Comedy Movie? … No one told me it was a comedy when is aw it … Channing Tatum and Jonah Hill, inexplicably wearing a bear head, opened with the first award … Jonah Hill is not funny … And if swearing is the new comedy, count me out … I mean, I love a good curse word, but keep it off TV since the home audience can’t hear it … M’kay, Jonah? … 


BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN ANY MOTION PICTURE … Kate Winslet, Steve Jobs … I am stunned, but then I remind myself, and Carlos, that the Globes are basically a Kiss The Ass Of The Foreign Press And Get An Award Awards Show … How else do we explain Winslet—whom I love, don’t get me wrong—winning this one … The Rock, or do we call him Dwayne Johnson … I always forget where we stand on his name these days … present with JLo looking tightly drawn in mustard … I wonder if she killed Professor Plum in the Drawing Room with a candlestick … BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A SERIES, LIMITED SERIES, OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION … Maura Tierney, The Affair … Love her! … She is breathtakingly amazing in The Affair … so, maybe this isn’t a popularity contest after all? Who am I kidding? … Andy Samberg recapping the show as if it was over … Bill Cosby confessed … Patrick Stewart has been wearing a bald cap all these years … I need him to host the show, please … BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A TELEVISION SERIES, MUSICAL, OR COMEDY … Rachel Bloom, Crazy Ex-Girlfriend … Great speech … Saw the show once, thought it was awful, but her winning the Globe won’t lure me back … It.Was.Awful. … Taraji P. Henson and Terrence Howard … God is he smarmy? … I need to scrub down my set after he appeared on it … BEST TV SERIES, MUSICAL OR COMEDY … Mozart in the Jungle … One of those “streaming” shows all the kids are talking about, I guess … Viola Davis … love her, but she’s looking a little Lena Horne as Glinda the Good Witch in The Wiz starring Diana Ross … 


Ricky: “The next presenter is the star of the hilarious comedy The Martian and the only person Ben Affleck has never cheated on.” … Matt Damon … Bryce Dallas Howard looking more like Jessica Chastain every day and Orlando Bloom looking more “rode hard and put away wet” every day … BEST TELEVISION LIMITED SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION …  America Crime, loved it … American Horror Story, loved it … Flesh and Bone, loved it … Fargo, loved it … Wolf Hall, couldn’t get past the first episode … the winner is …Wolf Hall … of course … Amber Heard and Jamie Alexander … this is what happens when no-talent actresses present and try to be funny and then resort to swearing … awkward … unfunny … BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A LIMITED SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION … Oscar Isaac, Show Me a Hero … God, that man is so dreamy … I annoyed Carlos by saying that over and over and over again … and then trying to make up for it by saying, “You’re cute, too.” … Bob … Epic Fail … But Oscar Isaac is so dreamy … 


Melissa McCarthy, Jason Statham and Paul Feig — writer and director of Spy — introduce Spy and Statham steals the intro by claiming to have written and directed it and played Melissa’s part … then he puts Feig in a headlock … funny stuff … Tom Ford … and why is he there … and Lady Gaga, looking fabulously Monroe-esque-ish … BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A SERIES, LIMITED SERIES, OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION … Christian Slater, Mr. Robot … The best thing about seeing Slater win was the brief peck on the cheek he got from Rami Malek, oddly hot Rami Malek … 


Lily James and Jamie Foxx present best score … but naturally Jamie Foxx has to turn it into the Jamie Foxx Show … which is pathetically unfunny and kinda sad  and very try hard … he even tries to Steve Harvey the winner which went over like the real thing … BEST ORIGINAL SCORE, MOTION PICTURE … Ennio Morricone, The Hateful Eight … A haunting score, but then the award is accepted by Quentin Tarantino who looks like he hasn’t bathed or changed his suit since last year’ awards show … Eva Longoria and America Ferrera … good joke about Latino actresses being interchangeable … Eva is not Eva Mendes and America isn’t Gina Rodriguez … and neither one is Rosario Dawson .. Okay Selma, Let’s go, Charo … BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A TELEVISION SERIES, DRAMA … Jon Hamm, Mad Men  … Popularity contest  winner … but, yeah, he’s nice Eye Candy … Amy Schumer and Jennifer Lawrence … this is how you do funny … take notes Channing and Jonah … JLaw and … ASchu? … “Please turn your phone off.” … lovelovelove Amy … 


BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A MOTION PICTURE, MUSICAL, OR COMEDY … Matt Damon, The Martian … Gosh, that film was high-larious …especially the part where you thought Matt was dead on Mars … my sides! … Kate Hudson and Kurt Russell … Um, Kate? Cher wore that look better in the 70s, hon … BEST ANIMATED FILM … 
Inside Out … Ryan Gosling and Brad Pitt … new comedy stars … again, Channing and Jonah, this is how comedy presenting is done … Plus, both men are hot and both men were very funny … “Whatever” … “Is this like Montessori school where everyone gets an award” … 


JK Simmons and Patricia Arquette .. she learned how to comb her hair in the last year I guess … BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN ANY MOTION PICTURE … Sylvester Stallone, Creed … Popularity Contest Winner! … And Stallone talked mostly about himself and his career and winning for Rocky way way back in the last century … Will Ferrell and Mark Wahlberg … note to Channing and Jonah … This will be the two of you if you keep doing crap jokes … Will Ferrell is so try hard  and smug … Loathe.Him. … BEST SCREENPLAY, MOTION PICTURE … Aaron Sorkin, Steve Jobs … Sorkin is so nerdy cute … Supergirl and the Flash … Why bother learning their names … we won’t remember them next year … BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A TELEVISION SERIES, MUSICAL, OR COMEDY … Gael García Bernal, Mozart in the Jungle … Carlos said, as Bernal started speaking, Ís he Jewish?” … “No, he’s from Mexico, like you.” … “We saw him in Y Tu Mamá También!” … Oy! … The best thing about his win was that Rob Lowe didn’t … yes! … Helen Mirren …. Fabulous … and Gerard Butler … an STD in a tux … BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM … Son of Saul … Ken Jeong and Kevin Hart … Two of the tiniest men in show business … and not so funny … BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A LIMITED SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION … Lady Gaga,  American Horror Story: Hotel … Love her, love the show … Popularity Contest Winner … The look on DiCaprio’s face when she nudged him as she walked by was priceless … Award-winning Eye Roll ... and her speech? … 


And Gaga comparing herself to Cher … Oh … Hell … No … And then admitting she is so consumed by being Gaga that she has to have people to do everything for her … I guess I was right last week on It’s Snarkurday! … Katy Perry … Looking like a cheap knock-off version of Lisa Vanderpump in a lumpy too-tight dress and bad wig … I guess that’s what screwing John Mayer does to one … 


BEST ORIGINAL SONG, MOTION PICTURE … "Writing's on the Wall," Spectre …Is it just me or does Sam Smith talk exactly like Boy George? … Ricky Gervais and Mel Gibson almost kiss and make-up … then Ricky leaves him with this zinger …. “I’d rather have a drink with you in your hotel room tonight, than have a drink with Bill Cosby in his room.” … Mel struck back with … “I love seeing Ricky every three years because it reminds me to get a colonoscopy.” … Mel is trying to make a comeback from being a drunken anti-Semite … 


BEST TELEVISION SERIES, DRAMA … Mr. Robot … Again, a view of Rami Malek … he’s not everyone’s cup of tea, but he has something that I cannot quite put my finger on … though I’d love to try … Tom Hanks does a pretty good Denzel … Denzel gets the Humanitarian Award and accepts with his family … I was stunned by how many films he’s done, how many of them I’d seen, and how many of them I loved … plus, you know, he’s Denzel … Ricky Gervais … “Our next presenter is the most respected actor in the room … that isn’t saying much.” …. Morgan Freeman … BEST DIRECTOR, MOTION PICTURE … Alejandro G. Iñárritu, The Revenant … Sophia Bush and Kate Bosworth appear, meaning all the Big Names are drunk so break out the D-List … BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A TELEVISION SERIES, DRAMA … Taraji P. Henson, Empire … I may be wrong, but Taraji is an angry drunk … girl looked a mess and screamed at someone for stepping on her train … Maybe she thought she was playing Cookie at the Globes … 


BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A MOTION PICTURE, MUSICAL, OR COMEDY … Jennifer Lawrence, Joy … Popularity Contest Winner … At least she didn’t trip this year … And I’ll give it to her for channeling one of Hitchcock’s icy blond heroines … She was so Tippi in Marnie … Tobey Maguire introduced The Revenant and seemed so keen on looking at his BFF Leo … who, I think, because he did it, blew Tobey a kiss … M’kay … Jim Carrey … Lose the beard … and I don’t mean his date … I mean the actual facial hair … And again, this is how funny is done, people … BEST MOTION PICTURE, MUSICAL, OR COMEDY … The Martian … Gosh, wasn’t it funny how, when Matt launched himself into space he just had a plastic tarp on the cover of the rocket ship? … High … Larious … Ricky came out again to make yet another transphobic joke while introducing Eddie Redmayne, who plays a transgender woman in The Danish Girl … BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A MOTION PICTURE, DRAMA … Brie Larson, Room  Haven’t seen the film, but she makes me want to … Julianne Moore … stunning … 


BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A MOTION PICTURE, DRAMA … Leonardo DiCaprio, The Revenant … I kept thinking while he was speaking that he was thinking, “I really don’t want this, I want The Oscar.” … Long speech … he wants to share it with indigenous peoples and I’m guessing they’re thrilled about that, what with getting killed and having their land stolen from them, a Golden Globe is a priority … BEST MOTION PICTURE, DRAMA … The Revenant …Not a big surprise, I guess … It’s one of those films that looks good, sounds good, may be good, but I have no desire to see it … Leo and the Bear … So, there’s goes the Globes … Fun bawdy … censored … drunk and kinda transphobic … Like the drunk uncle at Thanksgiving, no?

5 comments:

the dogs' mother said...

As usual - excellent job recapping!!

Lidia Monahua said...

Excellent!, I didn't watch the event? thanks for share all of this information ☺♥

Toni said...

You're on a roll, Bob!

Raybeard said...

I was also bamboozled by 'The Martian' being up for 'Best Comedy'. It can only have been for the moment when Mr Damon found that to survive he'll have to use his self-produced manure as fertiliser. Oh, wasn't that just SO hilarious!

As we both share the hots for Mr Isaac I wonder if you ever saw him in the film in which I first took notice - 'Inside Llewyn Davis'? If he was hot then, while carrying his pussy around, he outdoes even that by quite a mile with his turn in 'Ex Machina' where's he's pumped up, but not so ridiculously as to be yukky - and is almost unrecognisable, big bushy beard and all, and the best I think I'm ever likely to see him.

Bob Slatten said...

@Raybeard
I did see 'Inside Llewyn Davis,' but the first time I saw Oscar was in a film called 'The Reunion,' with Channing Tatum, which I admit I watched because Channing usually bares his magnificent backside on film.
Sadly, he didn't in this one, but I couldn't take my eyes off Oscar Isaac who played Tatum's friend; his was the only real true original character and, yeah, scorching hot to boot!