Saturday, January 30, 2016

It's Snarkurday!

Charlie Sheen is back in the news, though this time it isn’t about hookers or porn or drugs or HIV or having sex with men and paying them off in hush money, it’s about his children and how he treats them …

First off, in 2014 Sheen kicked ex-wife Denise Richards and her three daughters — two of which are his — out of the mansion he’d bought for her down the street from his place because his then-fiancé, and former though probably now current, porn star, Brett Rossi told him to do it. At the same time he also stopped paying child support — some $55,000 a month — and had to be court ordered to pay up.

This year, Denise is suing because she says Charlie promised to buy her a home close to his since, after his revelation that he is HIV+, he’d hoped “to repair his relationship with his children” but now Charlie has sold the home and is pocketing the money rather than returning it to the trust for their daughters.

And, because this is Charlie and Denise, the shiz is all out there … with Denise reporting on the vile things Charlie has said to their daughter, Lola, just before Christmas 2013; yes, Denise is going back nearly two years now.

She says Charlie told their kids, “I’m giving all your gifts including the air hockey table to the homeless,” and claims to have seen texts from Charlie to 9-year-old daughter Lola in which he called her “a f***ing pig whore” and said, “I’m going to kill you and I’m going to kill your mom.”

Naturally, Denise released letters written, ALLEGEDLY, by her children to Charlie in which they ask him why he would want to kill them and their mother, and he ALLEGEDLY replied:
“Have a merry Xmas with your loser f***s**t mom … your dad is a rock star genius … your mom is a puss wart.”

But, get this … Charlie says he thought it was Denise texting to him on her daughter’s phone, so his nasty responses were meant for her and not the girls; that makes it totally acceptable, right? But then to get in the last dig, he attacks Denise’s acting, saying, “Bitch couldn’t act hot in a fire or wet in a pool.” And then he taunts Denise with rude comments about her deceased mother because … well, he’s Charlie Sheen and he’s a lunatic who should have been locked up in lifelong rehab decades ago.

Charlie’s lawyers call this “a desperate attempt to get more money” because Charlie has already paid almost $20 million, including $660k tax free money every year for the last 9 years to Denise, though he fails to mention it was court-ordered and part of their custody arrangement.

But it makes me wonder exactly how rich is Charlie Sheen that he could pay child support in the millions of dollars, buy mansions for everyone, pay porn stars thousands to live with him for a few days, buy all those drugs and sex workers, and still not be broke? He must be loaded, in both senses of the word.

Newly engaged couple Mariah Carey and James Packer have a teensy-weensy little problem to solve before they tie the knot … they have to get divorced from their current spouses.

Mariah is still not divorced from Nick Cannon because they have yet to finalize their financial issues, despite the fact there was a very specific prenup in which Nick gets to leave with the clothes on his back and nothing else.

As for James, he’s still married to Erica Packer, who is now dating Seal, who was married to Heidi Klum, who appears on that reality show with Nick Cannon. Everything is circular.

But here’s the dish on Billionaire James Packer: he and Erica were off-and-on for several years before they finally called it quits for good in 2013. He left her, though, and then he came back because suddenly she was pregnant with his child, and as soon as the child was born he was gone again … right into Mariah’s surgically enhanced bosoms.

Seriously, y’all, finish one marriage before you start another.

Real Housewives of New York “star” Bethenny Frankel has said she agrees with Donald [t]Rump about building that wall to keep those pesky Mexicans from coming to America and working in his hotels and in her house, but she stepped into deeper this week when she went shopping at K-Mart.

Wait, millionaires shop at The Big K?

Some folks are calling her racist after she Twitter complained — because that’s what you do — about K-Mart store workers who were speaking Spanish when she wanted to buy snow boots:
“Wow @Kmart has 2 registers open w 5 other employees standing around & speak no English whatsoever. Shoes are sapatos right?”
Well, shoes are zapatos, but that’s not the issue. Then she Tweeted:
“Not even attempting kids’ snow boots in Spanish”
And when Twitter folks called her out for what is perceived to be kind of racist, she Tweeted:
“No excuse for being at a retailer & not able to be directed to what u need. 0 to do w race. I’ll explain but can’t understand it for you.”
Wow, so she doesn’t like Spanish people speaking Spanish and thinks everyone who questions her is too stupid to understand her racism. I mean, let’s be clear, nowhere does she say she asked a question and the employees couldn’t answer because they spoke only Spanish. She just says she overheard people speaking Spanish and that’s too much for her to deal with.

But, since she was using her iPhone to Tweet her disgust at hearing people speak Spanish, couldn’t she have Google translated “snow boots for kids” into “botas de nieve para los ninos.” Or maybe she could have used her wonderfully illiterate Twit-speak to make herself understood.

Perhaps [t]Rump will ask her to build, a SkinnyGirl wall around K-Mart.

Both Beyoncé and Rihanna are working on new albums for release though neither one is saying when this will happen. I personally don’t care, except … Beyoncé.

The last time she dropped an album, it was a surprise release but this time she ain’t talking; she’s not going to do any advanced press for the album, and there is a rumor that she held up the release because she wanted to give Adele time to shine.

Bitch, please. While her last album sold half a million copies in 24 hours, sources — AKA Beyoncé — say she’s delayed the release in order to wait until the ‘hype’ around Adele’s comeback with 25 died down.

Bitch.Please. You held up release so your new album of mindless weave-waving, booty-shaking nonsense doesn’t have to compete with Adele, who, by the way, actually sings live.

Seriously, bitch. Please.

Perhaps B.o.B. and Sherri Shepherd are related?

B.o.B., a rapper, I think, known for a song called Airplanes has come out … not as gay, mind you, but as a flat-earther. He took to The Twitter to spill out the conspiracy theory that the Earth is flat because he took a picture of himself against the horizon and it doesn’t curve.

Seriously. Oh, and he also thinks NASA used fans to make the flag dance in the wind in their staged photo of the fake moon landing.

Seriously. If we learn anything from this, it isn’t that the earth is flat or that the moon landing is fake, it’s that semi-famous people can be stupid and that everyone should be forced to stay in school until they can prove they aren’t morons.

Oh how I feel for the heartache of being a celebrity and being forced to fly coach.

Last weekend “actress” — and yes, it deserves the quotes — Andie MacDowell took to The Twitter to complain that American Airlines bumped her from first class to coach … oh, the humanity … on the one-hour flight from Charlotte, North Carolina to Myrtle Beach, South Carolina.

Andie paid for a first class seat and pre-booked a space for her dog, but airline employees let her know that she couldn’t sit in 1A because there was nowhere to put her dog.  And when the employee wouldn’t let her switch seats with another person in first class, Andie cried on Twitter, with a picture, of being forced to ride in the cargo hold coach section of the plane … which she called “tourist” class.

Next time, American Airlines, strap the "star" to the wing and let the dog sit in first class. That would be a nicer bitch to have onboard.

Let’s dip our toes in the STD pond that is The Kardastrophes for a moment …

Black Chyna used to date Tyga. 

Tyga dates Kylie Jenner. 

Rob Kardastrophe, Kylie’s half-brother, is now dating Black Chyna. 

Black Chyna’s best friend, Amber Rose, used to date Kanye. 

Kanye is married to Kim Kardastrophe. 

Kim is Kourtney Kardastrophe’s sister. 

Kourtney used to be with Scott Disick. 

Scott Disick is dating Amber Rose.

Someone get me the bleach. STAT!!!

Last October, Oprah opened her vault — not the cake and pie vault, but the one with the cash — and took out $43 million to buy a 10% stake in Weight Watchers and then quickly became their newest spokesperson, Hunny Chile … which is what she called herself, or us, in her first ad.

But Oprah claims she’s doing the program and yesterday she said, in a Tweet, that she’s lost 26 pounds so far and has done it while eating … wait for it … BREAD!!!

Every.Day. Oprah eats bread every day, y’all. But, because she Tweeted about bread and lost weight, the stock in Weight Watchers went up and Oprah pocketed a cool 12 million back into the money vault — not the cake and pie vault — to spend, apparently, on bread.

Do we believe Oprah lost 26 pounds, or is that just because before she had her Weight Watchers Weighing Team come is, she took off that Imitation Diana Ross Weave™ she’s been wearing since last century?


the dogs' mother said...

good grief! my head is spinning!
I like the picture of a dog sitting in first class :-)

Mitchell is Moving said...

Jiminy Christmas or Holy F#$%@G shit!

jadedj said...

"...everyone should be forced to stay in school until they can prove they aren’t morons." Good idea, but the problem is, the schools would be bursting at the seams, in short order. I swear, it seems stoopid today is multiplying faster than coat hangers.

mistress maddie said...

Bethenny Frankel......I CAN NOT STAND THAT BITCH. I could go on a huge rant...I still would like to know how a woman with a face like a mud fence can be so popular. Oh wait, it's just reality tv. Now could someone pass me a bar of ivory and a bottle of bleach... listening to that regale of the Kardashian Family, I mean Sex Tree, story has me feeling dirty. Oh, and look...there's a dog lifting it's leg on it as we speak.....

anne marie in philly said...

a good trashy ending to a very long week. and what garbage it is!

Blobby said...

Yes, Oprah lost 26 lbs..........but what she never mentions with any of her diets is how much she actually gained back, which is usually two-fold.

Anonymous said...

I am surprised the whole Amber vs Kanye twitwar was not mentioned. She pretty much outed him, which had him delete about 25 tweets, one of which he even brought her son up in.

Marshall Honeycreek said...

I just hope that when Beyoncé drops her next album the music doesn't suck like the last two albums. I don't know what the hell happened to her music. Back in the 2000's she had one great song after another but not this decade. Her last really good song was Single Ladies which was 7 years ago. Lately she seems to be getting by on her name and reputation but certainly not her music.