Saturday, January 09, 2016

It's Snarkurday!

It looks like Chris Brown’s new sober coach, Scott Disick, wasn’t doing his job very well because over the weekend Chris Brown — best known for beating Rihanna — ALLEGEDLY slugged another woman.

Liziane Gutierrez says Brown went ballistic and punched her in the eye after she snapped a cellphone photo of him at a private party in his hotel suite at the Palms Casino Resort in Las Vegas. Gutierrez says Brown was furious because she managed to slip the phone past his security guards.

Brown says he called the police himself, though, for what, I wonder? Cellphone usage? Being smarter than a security guard? Gutierrez said she was not hurt badly enough to be hospitalized though the Las Vegas Metropolitan Police Department is investigating the ALLEGED punch.

As for Chris Brown, his people are already in spin mode, with his mouthpiece saying that “making false accusations seems to be a pattern of behavior of Ms. Gutierrez. Whatever her motives, her statements are unequivocally untrue.’’

Blame the victim again, Brownie.

I guess Miranda Lambert is really annoyed by all the social media attention her ex-husband, Blake Shelton, is getting with his new piece, Gwen Stefani.

Seriously, that couple posts more selfies of their ALLEGED relationship than a teenage girl with her first boyfriend. So, Miranda decided to get in on the action too. And that took a while because from the moment Shelton and Lambert split there were all kinds of stories about the singers and the roadies and the McDonald’s counterboys and the guys at the car wash that Miranda was doing.

And so Miranda threw up a picture of herself and her new man, 27-year-old R&B singer named Anderson East, in matching floppy hats to Instagram with the caption “The snuggle is real” a not-so-subtle dig at Bwen or Sheltani or Glake or Stefton or whatever that duo is calling themselves these days—I suggested Media Whores but nobody picked that one.

Still, I guess that’s how you get back at your ex… posting “real” snuggles pictures on the interwebz.

Grow up, people.

So, after the holiday Ricky Martin gave all his fans a treat: a photo of him strolling around the pool in a mankini. And it was kinda hot, but then Ricky spoiled because he suffers from EHS … Excessive Hashtag Sickness.

Seriously, a hot picture of a hot gay man rocking a hot bikini and then he adds thirteen … thirteen … hashtags:

#islander #beachbum #livemylifebarefoot #saltyhair #sandyfeet #speedo #sunga #up #early #earlybird #newweek #newyear #2016

And I get them all, well, except for that one, and so, while cruising the interwebz and stopping in at D-Listed, I got myself edumacated as to what #sunga means.

The Sunga is a Brazilian-style swimsuit for men. But … sunga is also the name for a male version of the Brazilian wax, involving hair being waxed off the man’s balls, his butt crack, his  butt cheeks and his pubic region.

#TMI #Ricky

Abstinence educator, hillbilly and unwed single mother to two children from two different baby daddies, Blister Palin is in a pickle.

Blister had a little girl — ALLEGEDLY around Christmas … I have a whole conspiracy theory about that coming up on Monday — whom she named Sailor Grace Palin.

PALIN. Not her daddy’s name because Blister does not discuss her daughter’s paternity, unlike the countless interviews she gave where she mentioned Levi’s name every other second after he spermed her up.

And so, Sailor’s daddy, Dakota Meyer, is suing mad. And he has filed legal documents in which he claims he’s the biological father of Sailor and he wants a judge to award him joint legal and physical custody. Oh, and he wants child support from Abstinence Mommy.

And it gets uglier and dumber because Sailor’s Illiterate Trailer Park Grandma, Sarah ‘I Can’t Finish This Job Because It’s Too Hard’ Palin, AKA Mamma Grizzly Bore issued a statement about Dakota’s filing:
“For many months we have been trying to reach out to Dakota Myers [she can’t even spell the man’s name] and he has wanted nothing to do with either Bristol’s pregnancy or the baby.”
And Blister released her own statement:
“My values are such that a real American hero doesn’t ask for child support.” 
Values? Like spreading her legs every couple seconds whenever the mood strikes while preaching abstinence?

Tune in Monday; it’s good!

This could be worse than The Sony Email Hack of last year, so brace yourself … The Personal Assistants Are Talking! And Star Magazine has it all, entitled “Personal Assistants Tell All: Outrageous Celebrity Demands!” 

Let’s rip …

Kim Kardashian. Kim gets secret liposuction, but then she stashes away the oodles of fat sucked from her head in case she needs to rejuvenate her face or ass — and sometimes it’s hard to tell the difference — in what is called “lipobanking.” She even has her own private lipobank facility … it’s called Kim’s Ass Vault.

Jennifer Aniston. She hates to sweat and absolutely refuses to ever be sweaty, so she makes her assistants carry fans at all times and often hold fans in front of her. She also has assistants press ice cubes against her forehead all the time.

Jamie Dornan. Que escandalo, but Jamie loves to … wait for it … it’s so shocking … I can almost not type the word … needlepoint. He loves to whip out his, er, tapestry and “get to work” on planes or when he’s at home.

Justin Bieber. He’s been known to sleep with his personal staff, even with his maids because when you’re The Help you need to help get the Little Mister’s rocks off.

Julia Roberts. She holds on to her old costumes — especially the Pretty Woman hooker ensemble — and will “put [it] on for Danny” once a year or so.  Wait, does she wear it or does she make Danny wear it?

Lady Gaga. Gaga expects her assistants to be on call 24-7, and expects them to do everything for her. She called up one assistant in the middle of the night to change DVDs, because Gaga was too lazy to walk across the room and change it herself. Well, it’s hard to walk in twelve-inch platforms … unless you’re Elton John circa 1984.

Jessica Simpson. She rarely pays her bar tabs because she feels like the bar should buy her drinks because she’s Jessica Simpson and the bars just think she’s a drunk blond hooker.

Elton John. He’s really lazy, and he loves to be pushed around in a wheelchair. Huh, maybe he really is Lady Gaga? Or maybe his feet were ruined by those twelve-inch platforms?

And so, worse than the Sony Hack are the peccadilloes of the stars.

I’m still freaked out that Jamie Dornan needlepoints. Fifty Shades Of Grandma? 


anne marie in philly said...

YO YO YO, football star rosie greer also did needlepoint; ain't nobody's granny there! like my knitting, needlework is a drug-free meditation/calming/relaxing aid. it helps you focus/reboot/balance in a fucked-up world.

can't wait for monday's blister report.

the dogs' mother said...

Bristol and Baby Daddy need to grow up and be
parents to this little girl! Put her interests
first, foremost and always.

Blobby said...

Finally someone said it about Gwen & Blake. Have you ever seen a couple who has tried THIS hard to be relevant?

As for Palin - I can't even.

Biki Honko said...

Needlepoint is one of the most Zen activities. Truly.

The Personal Assistant thing is really honestly true? How entitled do you have to be to call someone to change your DVD in the middle of the night? The largest downside to fame is the belief that you are somehow better than everyone else.

Bob Slatten said...

Okay, needlepointers. I was just saying that Jamie "Fifty Shades" didn't seem to be the needlepoint type.

Put down them needlepoint thingies ... I'm a'scurred'a y'all.

Will J said...


A tip: don't tick off the needlepoint/crewel/knitting/crochet community. They have an ability to focus intensely and are armed with many sharp and pointy instruments.

mistress maddie said...

I could never be a personal assistant. The first time Gaga would call me to change a cd, I'd be like, get you fat ass out of bed and do it yourself.

anne marie in philly said...

@will j - THANK YOU!

@bob - no need to be scared of my knitting needles...much! bwhahahahaha!

OSR said...

Maybe Jamie Dornan makes his own rope.