Saturday, January 02, 2016

It's Snarkurday!

Last week we talked 15-year-old Rocco Ritchie and his refusal to spend Christmas with his mom, Madonna, but wanting to stay with his dad, Guy Ritchie, for a while. And he did, sharing the holidays with his dad and his dad’s family, including his step-mother, Jacqui Ainsley.

But the question is maybe why all of the sudden was Rocco over Madge. Maybe he’s just over her because he’s fifteen, or maybe, as rumor suggests, he and Madge had some kind falling out around Thanksgiving and that’s why he said ‘See ya’ to Mama and, ALLEGEDLY, “ran away in Stockholm” from Madge and her Rebel Heart Tour,

And then when the tour hit London the first week in December, Rocco took off for his dad’s house and hasn’t seen his mother since, which caused Madonna to go into hysterical mode and fire her fifteen-year-old son’s ‘manny’ — let’s not even talk about needing a manny for a teenager — and unleashed her attorneys on Rocco and Guy.

So … is this typical teenager and mom stuff? I mean, how many teenagers want to spend all their time with their moms? Rocco has been on tour with Madonna for at least the last six months, traveling the globe, and maybe he just wanted to go home. Or … as some say, maybe the rift started over Madonna’s habit of posting embarrassing photos of Rocco on social media like … that time she posted a slow-motion video of Rocco doing a back flip in his underwear and hashtagged it “#nosausage“.  Or the time cool mom Madonna posted a picture of Rocco boxing and again went hashtag crazy about her own son’s crotch.

For his part, Rocco used his now private Instagram to tell the world he wasn’t spending Christmas with Madonna, and then she retaliated by posting a Christmas Day picture of the two of them from August with the caption “Merry X-mas to the Sun-shine of my Life!

At least she laid off his sausage. But, because it’s the holidays and because I’m feeling generous, here’s some advice for the sparring parent and child:

Lay off social media and have an actual conversation. Oh, and Madonna, howsabout laying off the creepy talk about your child’s crotch?? M’kay?

Wow. This is one Terrible Idea …

Rumor has it that ex-Kardastrophe Baby Daddy, and Celebrity Drunk, Scott Disick, in need of a sober companion, has taken to spending time with … wait for it … it's amazing … Girlfriend Beater, Chair Flipper, Vandal Chris Brown.

Sources — and you know it’s That Woman — claim the duo is joined at the hip in an effort to stay non-liquored up.

Yeah, I see this working out real well, or at least becoming a Very Special Episode of Keeping Up With The Kardastrophes.

Blame a slow holiday gossip cycle for this one because, how is this news ....

Back to the Future is real, y’all. I mean, it must be because the big news today is that 80s heartthrob Richard Marx and 90s video vixen Daisy Fuentes have gotten married.

Looks like next we’ll be buying Mom jeans and getting our hair piled higher on our heads?

It’s the second marriage for both, since Fuentes ended her first marriage to soap man Timothy Adams from Sunset Beach, and Marx divorced Cynthia Rhodes — Penny in Dirty Dancing — after twenty-five years of marriage.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I hear acid wash jeans are on sale and I need someone to trim my mullet.

Poor Russell Crowe. He thinks everyone should cater only to him.

See, it’s like this: Crowe was taking his sons on a trip aboard Virgin Australia flight just after Christmas. And Virgin Australia — like nearly every other airline and airport on the planet — has banned hoverboards because they have tendency to catch on fire.

Not good for air travel, you know. But Russell, because he’s a big star — in girth, actually, now, rather than career — expected someone from Virgin to personally call him and tell him not to bring the hoverboards. And so, naturally he Tweeted his dismay:
“Ridiculous @VirginAustralia. No Segway boards as luggage? Too late to tell us at airport. Kids and I offloaded. Goodbye Virgin. Never again.”
To which Virgin replied like this:
@russellcrowe ...hope to see you on board again soon.”
And that sent Russell fuming in outrage:
@VirginAustralia why did you not inform me when I booked my ticket? Where is your duty of responsibility in this?”
And then this:
@VirginAustralia I'm awaiting your reply, where is your duty of responsibility in this? Why not tell me when I am booking my ticket?”
So then Virgin said this:
“Hi Russell, this information is outlined in the Dangerous Goods section in the booking confirmation and check in reminder emails you will have received. We have also communicated this on Facebook and Twitter, as well as through the media. We understand your frustration, however please appreciate that safety is our number one priority.”
C’mon, Virgin! You expect Russell to read, and follow, the rules like a normal person? He needs a major corporation to personally contact him with whatever information he might possibly need about whatever situation he might possibly encounter while using whatever service any major corporation anywhere on the planet provides!

Sheesh, Virgin, don’t you get that?

No doubt you read about the mix-up at the Miss universe Pageant last week, when host Steve Harvey read the wrong name and Miss Columbia was declared Miss Universe for about ninety seconds, until the matter was cleared up and Miss Philippines was awarded the title.

At first it all seemed to go over quite smoothly, with Miss ColombiaArianda Gutierrez, smiling sweetly and congratulating Miss Philippines on Instagram, but now she’s singing a different tune: conspiracy.

Miss Colombia recently spoke with Colombia’s W radio, and isn’t playing nice now:
“It was very humiliating for me, but also for the whole country and for all the people not only from Colombia but the other Latinos that were in the auditorium.”
She says that when Harvey first uttered the Oops Heard ‘Round The World, she thought it was a joke, because in the rehearsals Harvey played around a lot and she thought he was being funny. And now she thinks the whole event was staged as a publicity stunt.

Now, I love a good conspiracy theory, so I’m 100% on board with Miss Colombia side-eyeing the big-wigs at Miss Universe pageant except … why just a ninety-second stunt? Why not give her the crown, let her take the runway walk, let her tour the world for about six months and then let Harvey say, ‘Uh oh!’? That would be more of an escándalo.

Oh, and Miss Colombia shot down another conspiracy; the one that said she would be riding this mess all the way to Vivid Entertainment where she would pocket a cool million for a Miss Universe porn film.

And somewhere, That Woman is eyeing her daughter Kim, and thinking, ‘Where I Miss Columbia’s mother? I could have made a fortune off a beauty pageant porno. Miss Columbia will never be a star now.’


anne marie in philly said...

this year sees the same old same old has-beens trying to keep their "good name" in front of the public. dump 'em in the nearest trash can!

Jim said...

Happy New Year Bob! Look forward to another year of great posts here on your blog site.

mistress maddie said...

Can one really blame Rocco for not wanting to be around his mother? Guy Ritchie is probably a better parent, if Rocco wants for normal teenage years. Unless Madonna can sit down and finally act a mature age and normal. I can't believe there is still even a Miss Universe Pageant. Its like a roster for porn studios for hopeful new "stars"

Raybeard said...

Oh, goody! It's looking like it'll turn out to be another vintage year crammed full of quality-level snarks. If celebs started behaving like reasonable adults the world would be so much duller - and I'd be going 'cold turkey'. Keep up the good work, all you spoilt brats. We need your continued entertainment.

the dogs' mother said...

I loves the critter banner! :-)
Madonna's pictures and hashtags would cause me, as a mandated reporter, to pass my concerns on to my supervisor and, I expect, it would go up the line to the authorities.

Bob Slatten said...

Those are all our kids--save for an original pooch, Dengoso ... we had no photos of him--past and present!

Mitchell is Moving said...

I had enough of Madonna years before Rocco was born. As for Russell Crowe: Yeah, whenever I make a plane reservation I expect the airline to let me know that I can't travel with my hoverboard. Please!