Fun Times

Usually on Saturdays I like to keep things lighthearted around here, so.....Let's talk Newt Gingrich, Sarah Palin, and the Repugs.

The GOP is still wallowing in a lack of direction, a lack of leadership, and a general lack of anything remotely resembling relevance.

I know! Great! Isn't it?

They've had their choices: Powell or Limbaugh? Limbaugh or Cheney? Gingrich or Palin? Palin? Really, GOP? Palin?

But I digress.

In March, the National Republican Senatorial Committee, which raises money to get Repugs in office, how cute, announced that Sarah Palin would be their featured speaker. Apparently, Susan Boyle was unable to attend and Ronald Reagan is still dead.

Repugs saw the booking as a huge, crowd-drawing 'get,' and a major statement by Palin that she would be a player on the Washington scene well after 2008.

But, just after the Repugs sounded the trumpets and spread the joyous news that Sarah was coming, she had changed her mind. She, um, does that a lot, you know, says one thing, and then does the side-step-flip-flop-change-up.

It's her 'thing.'

Since Palin was out, who do they get? W? Tee-hee. No one likes him, not even the Repugs. Cheney? No, too scary. Powell? There was still fury over his Obama endorsement. Limbaugh? I think he had a previous engagement at a pharmacy somewhere.

So, they searched down the list until Newt Gingrich's name popped up. The invite went out and Newt, having no sick wives to sue for divorce at the present time, and looking to light a fire under his dormant political career said, Uh....yeah.

But then Sarah changed her mind. Again. She was coming and she wanted to talk. Why let Newt steal the spotlight, she thought. Plus, she had all those Lord and Taylor suits she got for free, so why not doll herself up in her best Tina Fey outfit and head to DC!

Newt, however, was not pleased. Dinosaurs rarely are when a new species, although a more stupid species, comes forward. So Sarah was invited, and given a seat of honor at the big Repug's table, but was told she could not speak.

I could have told them that. Katie Couric, anyone?

The honor of speech stayed with Newt, who rambled on for almost an hour, laying out his plan for the country. I think he called it something other than his Contract For America, but you get where he was going.

"History teaches us that there is a road back to the majority, if we are prepared to be inclusive and not exclusive. I am happy that Dick Cheney is a Republican. I am also happy Colin Powell is a Republican."

Well, Newt, I'm happy, too. Because as long as Cheney's a Repug and keeps yapping like a rabid dog, the Repugs will be left out in the cold. Newt said that a majority party will always have debates about its direction, or lack thereof, but that is, by definition, the nature of a large, majority-holding party.

Repugs? Majority party? Someone wake Newt up and tell him Bush is gone. I think he must have forgotten.

He also reminded the crowd that Ronald Reagan could not have won in 1980 with conservative votes alone, and needed the support of moderates, independents and, yes, Democrats, to beat Jimmy Carter out of his second term. "Inclusion," he said, "does not mean lack of principles, and like Reagan, I am for first principles."

What, um, principles, Newt? The principles of having a temper tantrum because you couldn't catch a ride on Air Force one? Or the principles of multi-divorce? The principles of divorcing your third wife, or second, I don't know, while she was battling cancer? The principles of cheating on your wife?

Lies. Principles. Someone tell him the difference.

And with Sarah twitching in her seat, thinking that she'd be happier if she was in a helicopter and Newt was in a wolf suit, Gingrich laid out his plan to make Barack Obama a one-term president "in the liberal tradition of Jimmy Carter." Among his goals for the country:

• Making English the official language of government--you don't speak English you have no rights. So very inclusive.
• Teaching American history to all first- and second-generation immigrants--they need to know that we crossed the Delaware so Rapunzel could let down her hair and there would be six more weeks of winter.
• Drastically increasing military and homeland security funding to reverse the "decay of our readiness" happening under President Obama--not the terrorist ideas of the Bush/Cheney regime, when America was bomb first and question later.

Gingrich quoted liberally from Lincoln, and said that the Administration is full of "ideologues."

Pot. Kettle. Black.

He called Democrats in Congress Obama's "robots."

So, in summary, he name-called and blustered, and campaigned.

All for naught, Newt.

All for naught.