I Ain't One To Gossip, But.....

Oh, Lindsay Lohan. Crazy crackled wacktress. What would a week be without Lohan acting all cray-cray?

Lohan has an affinity for Marilyn Monroe. I think, in some way, she relates to MM--without the heart or the talent, I mean. Remember she took all those photos of her dolled up as MM, only hers seemed slutty and cheap. The apple don't fall far.....but I digress.
It seems that someone asked Lindsay to write an essay about Marilyn Monroe for a new coffee table book called Marilyn: Intimate Exposures. Well, they asked Lohan to ask someone to write it for her, and now some of the cracktresses' observations are coming out...like how they went to school together. I mean, they must have, right? Lindsay looks more MM's college roomie than she does a twenty-four year old girl. Again, I digress.
See, while Lohan was asked to write about Monroe, she actually spent most of her time mentioning Marilyn, and then writing about herself; case in point:
Lohan: "I was twelve and watching the film “Niagara” over and over again when I was shooting The Parent Trap. I didn’t refer to it as film noir then. I just thought it was dark and full of emotion. Marilyn was the beautiful bad girl in that tight, rose-colored dress. The character she played was strong and taking control, which I unconsciously knew at that young age was a necessary quality for a woman. I had seen what my mother, whom I love, had gone through with my father. She, I and my brother Michael, my sister Aliana, and my youngest brother Dakota were in a constant state of uncertainty. I would have to put myself between him and my siblings."
Um, isn't this supposed to be about Marilyn? Again, what are your thoughts on Marilyn?
Lohan: "People in their mind have created who I am and act as if there is no real person inside of me. Just like Marilyn, who created the blond sex goddess on camera…. Marilyn never wanted to be a celebrity. Neither do I. I started working in commercials, when I was three. I always wanted to be in great films. I had always thought that movie stars were in films that would last forever in your mind. But now the films don’t. I don’t want to be remembered as someone who just wanted to be photographed, who goes out at night, and gets in trouble."
Lohan never wanted to be a celebrity? Oh, that's high-larious, coming from someone who spends most of her days trolling LA with bottles of "water" in her hand looking for photographers. And, except for the fact that she looks as old as Marilyn would, had she lived, Lohan is no MM. And never will be.

A few weeks back it was Will and Jada who were splitting. But that didn't happen. This week, it might be Ashton Kutcher and his Mama-Wife, Demi Moore, calling it quits.

There has always been talk that Kutcher cheats on Moore, more and more, and now The Mail has a long article about what went down one night when Kutcher ALLEGEDLY cheated on his Mama-Wife with one Sara Leal. And, um, to poke an old gal, like Demi, even further, the ALLEGED schtupping took place just days before their sixth wedding anniversary.
And ALLEGEDLY involved three other naked girls, steaming in the hot tub with a naked Ashton. And ALLEGEDLY involved one of the girls having a boyfriend who had to collect his girl from Ashton’s hot tub. And ALLEGEDLY involved Ashton saying the words, “’Yo, where’s the vodka at” to the boyfriend. In a hot tub, with the girlfriend, and two other women. He's so Charlie Sheen that it makes me wonder if there's something on that show that makes the male lead turn into a manwhore.
Here's the story from The Mail:
Ashton Kutcher yelled for vodka as he languished naked in a hot tub with four similarly bare young women, according to a witness present at the actor’s lavish San Diego hotel suite on the night he is ALLEGED to have cheated on wife Demi Moore. The 33-year-old actor should’ve been preparing to celebrate his sixth wedding anniversary with Moore, 48. But instead he enjoyed the company of 23-year-old Texan Sara Leal, with whom he is ALLEGED to have had sex that night in his suite.
Jacques Du Toit, a South African yacht worker, described the sordid scene at the $2,500-a-night ‘top of the rock’ Diamond Suite at the Hard Rock Hotel, to a friend. Du Toit told close friend Gavin Naumoff, 23 , how he hot-footed to the 1,200 sq ft suite, which features an outdoor jacuzzi, after his girlfriend told him she was attending a party in Kutcher’s suite on September 23rd.
‘He was concerned,’ explained party promoter Naumoff to the Mail on Sunday. ‘Jacques is the boyfriend of one of the girls partying with Sara that night, Alexis. He wanted to make sure she was behaving herself.’
But, Alexis was safe that night. it seems that it was Sarah Leal, a pretty [dumb?] blonde from small town Texas, who stayed behind that night for a little one-on-one with Charlie2.0. A source--and by source, I mean fame-seeking Sara--is saying: "Sara is telling everyone 100 per cent that she and Ashton had sex."
Oh, her mama would be so proud. And so would Ashton's, though, of course, by Ashton's mama, I mean Demi.

I like Bethenny Frankel. She's bitchy and funny and snarky and loves tequila, just like me.
And Bravo must love her, because they spun her off of the Real housewives of New York into her own show, Bethenny Ever After.

Plus, the girl knows her business. She runs a multi-million dollar company, and recently sold part of it for over a $100 million. Funny, snarky, bitchy, loves tequila, and is a multi-million. Like I said, just like.....well, almost like me.
So, it’s no surprise that someone powerful out there in TV land, not to be confused with TVLand, decided Bethenny needed her own day-time platform, her own talk show. And that powerful person was Ellen DeGeneres, who wants to develop and produce a day-time show with Bethenny at the helm.
It's all working, eh?
Well, there is a snag. People seem to think she's a bitch. And pushy. And now Bethenny has hired a coach to help her shed her ALLEGED Big Apple attitude and “be nice” for all-American audiences in order to sell her syndicated talk show.
Frankel has filmed a pilot for an “advice-based” program produced by Telepictures, the company behind “The Ellen DeGeneres Show,” but sales were slow, sources say, so Frankel was taken to meet with station managers to personally pump the project.
And most weren't thrilled with abrasive Bethenny: “She came off as too aggressive,” a source--and by source, it could be her little baby girl--said, and so the coach, the Take-The-NYC-Outta-The-Girl coach, was brought in. And this modern day Henry Higgins is supposed to teach her simple things to appeal to Middle America, like speaking slowly and being nicer. That last part may be hard. Bitchy and snarky and tequila lovin' don't often come off as nice. i know this for a fact,
Still, DeGeneres has been boosting Frankel by booking her as a regular guest since she signed a deal with Warner Bros. to create reality, scripted and cable programming.
I think they may need more time with Higgins. Frankel, whose company is being sued in a $10 million class-action suit, ALLEGING that the drinks were incorrectly marketed by not listing ingredients, replied with: “We were bound to piss someone off and everyone loves to try to tear down a success.”
Back to class, Bethenny.

Maurice Sendak, author of the fabulous Where The Wild Things Are?, is my new best friend because, like me, he doesn't have that filter thing that keeps your brain from sending words to your mouth that maybe it shouldn't have, if you know what I mean.

Sendak, 83, gave an interview to The Guardian about writing children books--he has a new one coming out--and whom he hates and whom he hates more:

• E-books: "I hate them. It's like making believe there's another kind of sex. There isn't another kind of sex. There isn't another kind of book! A book is a book is a book."
• New York City: "You get pushed and harassed and people grope you. It's too tumultuous, it's too crazy!"
• Rupert Murdoch: "His name should be what everything is called now. (Reporter: But doesn't he publish your books?) Yes! Harpers. He owns Harpers and I guess the rest of the world, too. He represents how bad things have become. But I don't know a better house. They're all in trouble. They're all terrible."
• American politics: "These Republican schnooks would be comical if they weren't not funny."
• Salman Rushdie: "That flaccid fuckhead. He was detestable. I called up the Ayatollah, nobody knows that."
• Roald Dahl: "The cruelty in his books is off-putting. Scary guy. I know he's very popular but what's nice about this guy? He's dead, that's what's nice about him."
• Stephen King: "Bullshit."
• Gwyneth Paltrow: "I can't stand her."

Now, some things I may disagree with. I happen to find New York, and New Yorkers, lovely, for instance. But that last one?

Maurice, honey, call me. We'll do lunch.